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Posted 1/29/2019 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi folks,

Long-term, long-distance relationship ended.  She has moved on.  I have not been able to (Rumination OCD).  It has affected every aspect of my life.  Lost my job, lay in bed til 4pm, lost interests in former interests.  Only eating 1.5 meals a day.  Take a walk every day.  I should have treated her as top priority and I did not - too self-absorbed.  I don't blame her for staying away.  I was too critical.  I should have connected to her: essence-to-essence and I did not, not enough.  I have apologized to her.  But I feel I do not deserve happiness, love, kindness etc... My life has imploded.  I'm on the canvas and can't get up.  TKO.  Any advice?
Posted 1/30/2019 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Brian,

Ending a long relationship is hard. But you learn from it. You learn not what to do in the future. The best thing you can do is acknowledge it as a learning experience and try to get on with your life.

Have you seen a doctor for your depression? You may need medication or therapy. It helps us to move on. A therapist would guide you through it.

You can't dwell on what you should of done or shouldn't have done. It just keeps you in a hole.

Remember it isn't the end of the world. Just a lesson learned. I hope you find some new interests and work on getting better. Life is short, and it goes on with or without us. Hang in there. Welcome to the forum...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 1/30/2019 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply. I am in therapy and on medication. I did learn from it... but a) I hurt her (not intended) emotionally at times, for which I've apologized, though am having a hard time forgiving myself. b) If I knew then what I know now (growth after stunted emotional/relationship development), I would have proposed. She knew my father and my mother's 2 sisters - the 3 of whom have passed since. Anyone I may date now, will not have known those 3 people. I'm not saying that is a reason to marry someone, but family is very important to me. Without a relationship, without a job/career currently has me very very down. Any other suggestions?
Thanks,
Brian
Posted 1/30/2019 1:53 AM (GMT 0)
Brian,
I am so sorry that your long term relationship has ended. Unfortunately, from my experience, there is no way around the "heart break" and "grief." Let yourself cry it out. Seriously. However, also make sure you have someone that you can talk to. Good to hear that you are in therapy. I commend you for the tremendous "self awareness" you have now. Try to focus on the fact that you're a better man today. Have you asked her to forgive you without asking her to return to you? Have you shared the feelings in your post with her? There is a saying, your next relationship is only as good as the one last ended. In other words, how one ends things does matter. It sounds like the hard part for you is going to be obsessive-ruminating thoughts. One idea is to imagine a red STOP sign. Others here have suggested to me in the past to set an egg timer for 20 minutes. Allow myself to obsess and journal but then force myself to do something else. Even if it is walking to the mail box. Do you have a pet? I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through heart break without my fur-kids.
Posted 1/30/2019 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kelly,

Thanks so much for your caring reply. I have talked to so many close family and friends - I ruminate and they, understandably, know what to say to me anymore. Yes, I'm a more aware person now, but feel horrible that she had to deal with the less mature me. I just turned 56, never married (came close with her), not lots of long term relationship experience. I emailed her recently apologizing and just including that "I hope you can forgive me." I do have a dog and I take him for a walk every day - which helps momentarily. I cannot stop thinking about her. I think the obsessive thoughts are a combination between her and the fact that I was 'married to the job' (which I don't have anymore) and now at age 56, no spouse, no house, no family - makes me feel like a loser.

Brian
Posted 1/30/2019 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry this happened to you. I've gone through something similar and can say that only time seems to bring the pain to a manageable level. But if you can reach out to friends, that helps to cope in the short term. Other than, I'm afraid I'm short on suggestions, as I could've used some myself at the time... Nonetheless, we're here for you.
Posted 1/30/2019 2:12 AM (GMT 0)
Brian,
The first thing that came to mind after reading your last sentence is, FIND YOUR NEW NORMAL. It sounds like you have a high standard for living. You are hard on yourself. I can relate to this. Change how you talk to yourself. Just do it. Catch yourself in the negative cycle and say "this is temporary. It will not always be this way. I have learned a lot and I can do better. I have grown. I believe that I am still lovable." And don't expect to actually "believe this" right away. Just know that it is true. It sounds like you have support and a good head on your shoulders. I know that you are going to get through this strong and able to find love again.
Posted 1/30/2019 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for your reply again. To fill you in some more, the two of us met at an international conference way back in Jan. 2011... dated on-again-off-again for 5 years. We've been in touch on the phone since, but I have not seen her in 3 years. She'll take my calls but it's a one way street. Can you imagine, haven't seen her in 3 years and I'm still a mess. ALWAYS feeling anxious or depressed. I've always been very hard on myself. But at age 56 without a significant other and not a job (though I have severance), I feel I have it coming to me. She treated me great and would have done anything with/for me and what did I do? Screw it up. If I haven't gotten through it by now... I'm not very hopeful.

Brian
Posted 1/30/2019 3:57 AM (GMT 0)
Brian,
Never - ever - give up! There is always HOPE!
am 54 and I am on Disability. I always make my partner a priority but I'm limited in what I can do (stamina). I had to learn a "new normal." It sounds like you are going to have to grieve the loss of this relationship. May I suggest journaling? Beyond that, it's going to be a challenge for your to change your "thought life" (how you talk to yourself). I am very hard on myself too and I can't live up to my own standards - ever. Sometimes, the lesson is "acceptance." I admit that I haven't mastered it and I really really try.
Let yourself feel your feelings but try to limit the amount of time you spend obsessing. It is a discipline and not an easy one. I wish you the best in your recovery of a broken heart.
Posted 1/30/2019 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kelly - one of the biggest challenges for me is that I hurt her emotionally (due to my stunted social development) and I can't take that back... I'll take it to my grave. I don't even feel the desire to socialize, or stamina to do much of anything.
Posted 1/30/2019 3:37 PM (GMT 0)
Don't keep beating yourself up over it. It just isn't worth it.

Time heals. Sadly it can take awhile. Hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We are here for you Brian.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 1/30/2019 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

Thank you for your reply. But every day that goes by just gets worse. I was immature and ended up hurting her emotionally and I just feel I can never forgive myself for that.

Brian
Posted 2/2/2019 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
You sound like you feel a tremendous amount of guilt and I can identify with that. A friend of mine died a couple of years ago. It was an unexpected death and at the time we weren't on speaking terms. I blamed myself for our acrimonious split. Plus I lost another friend who I do not wish to talk about. But yeah, I was wracked with guilt over the first friend and tortured by the loss of the second one. I also lost a brother to suicide a few months after the first friend died.

Like you I was in a deep depression. Had nothing to get up for, lost all interest in everything that I had previously enjoyed. Every waking moment was torture. I was ruminating on the same angry, dreary thoughts constantly. Had zero hope of ever getting better.

And then it happened. Slowly. Without even realising it at first. I'm not out of the woods completely and may never be. But at least life is bearable now and occasionally even pleasant. The guilt hasn't gone, but I think about it much less. Truth is, guilt is a really pointless emotion. It can't bring back the past - that's gone forever. You can try to be a better person in the future, but you don't need to feel constantly guilty to be a better person. If anything it may make it harder.

I also suspect the girlfriend you lost probably wasn't as perfect as all that. If she had never left would you be blissfully happy with her today? Your guilt and grief is telling you would but would you really?

Anyway I do feel for you and I hope you can get through this ghastly period. I think it could help to look for another job, even if it's voluntary or part time. However, if you don't feel you can manage that at the moment please don't feel guilty about it. Severe depression is as disabling as physical illness - something not enough people appreciate.
Posted 2/2/2019 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nice,

Thanks for sharing your challenges with guilt. May I ask... what did you find lifted it slightly? Time?
You're right, we both made mistakes in the relationship - though I feel mine triggered her to 'respond in kind.'
She treated me very very well. Just feel so alone, so much of my adult years wasted by being married to the job without a healthy life balance - and correct, one cannot get that time back which is debilitating to me.

Brian
Posted 2/3/2019 5:46 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum Brian,

First I would like to that long distant relationships rarely take hold. Difficult at best to maintain romance without physical contact such as holding hands, in person eye to contact, sitting next to each other.

I once read about a study done at a major university for sociology. Apparently, without perfumes or cologne, marriages and relationship were stronger. There is a scientific name for the biologic smell we emit, and that draws us to another person.

This is true, my husband left almost a year ago, left some clothes and comes over once ever 2 weeks or so, does not wear cologne. Smelling him, depresses me. But not so much anymore.

The break up WAS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT. Takes 2 to make things work, and like I said LD is rough.

You are not alone here. Many of our members have been where you are.

You are doing great self-kindness by walking everyday.

If a friend of yours was going through what is happening to you, what would you say to that person?
Don't you deserve the same compassion? I say you do, if not more.

Here is a link to a wonderful site. I searched for self-compassion so there is a list of articles already
for you to read. I found the information helpful.. I have been practicing SC for almost 2yrs now and my negative self thoughts rarely last more than a couple hours now.

I hope this helps you. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think.. It took a lot of courage to find us and post.

https://www.mindful.org/?s=self-compassion

Peace and strength
Trina
Posted 2/3/2019 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Trina,

Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply. You're right, long distance relationships are hard. Some of the things I can't shake: when we were able to be together, she treated me soooo well. We were on-again-off-again for 5 years. Within the first couple years, there were 3 instances where I felt it in my gut, in my soul to propose but my anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and rumination ocd (have been diagnosed with both), got in the way. Plus, now at age 56 never married and not lots of close intimate romantic experience, my relationship level/growth was stunted.

I think, in your response, you were referring to pheromones. She is of a different ethnicity, something new for me and I do think our pheromones were different. But what I'm learning is what's really important in a relationship and it's: essence-to-essence... do you have the same values, core beliefs, some common interests. I let "little things" get in the way too much. I was too critical (rumination ocd) and shallow.

You are also right that it does take 2 to make things work. We both admit that we made mistakes but mine were more impactful: I should have treated her as much more of a priority and I did not know how to best communicate. So, quite candidly, though at one point she loved me very much, objectively speaking I can't blame her for leaving.

I used to be married to the job, then took my foot off the gas pedal to focus or try to balance with the relationship - went on medication, into therapy, and went into 24/7 rumination about the relationship. It affected my job performance... I was not fired though some colleagues, in writing, complained to the boss... the letters were very hurtful and I negotiated an exit with the company (i.e. I could no longer work with such people). So now, I have no relationship and no job (though did get a good severance package). I used to be passionate about my job/field - now not only am I depressed about the field, I don't have any interests in my former interests. Why? In significant part because if I were do to them I would go to them and back from them alone. I used to covet my alone time, but I don't anymore. I now firmly believe life is best shared with a significant other. My ex gf knew my whole family. Since, my father has passed, 2 aunts, 1 first cousin. Anyone I may meet now will not know any of those people and family is huge to me. I'm not saying that is a reason to marry someone, but I just feel I really blew it. I had emotional stunted development which I am very ashamed of at my age.

Thanks for sharing the link on self-compassion. I don't feel I deserve it because I hurt her/emotionally. I know one cannot go back in time and turn the clock back etc... but to be honest, I don't feel I deserve self-compassion, happiness, joy, or to be loved by another woman (ever).

I don't feel strong. I feel weak, lazy, unproductive, immature, irresponsible. I am in therapy and have been for years, especially since the relationship. I applied to enter a treatment program for the issues/disorders I have - I'll find out Tuesday if I'm accepted - though part of me feels, I'm just running to another place for more talk therapy.

The irony? She teaches yoga (part-time) including mindfulness, meditation etc... Just what the doctor and God ordered for me, and what did I do? Stay on the dock and just watch the ship sail on by - how Stupid is that?

Again, thank you for taking time to reply. If you have any other words of wisdom.... I'm all ears.

With deep appreciation,
Brian

Post Edited (Brian56) : 2/3/2019 11:44:09 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/4/2019 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
Brian. Long distance... yeah done it...painful, two seperate countries. The twenty he plane ride. Did not work. She abandoned...cheated grossly I got ghosted.

Am in some darkness at the moment. My experience although painful was still a lovely thing....no use in bad feelings.

I too am recently approved for extra support funding. I skim read the big posts as I use a small pH and have a vision impairment. I walk too, very short, for pain. I live with anxiety and bi polar...and chronic pain other stuff.

I know this will pass, as yours will. It's the tape in our head on permanent negative looping. Made good proactive strides, walk, out if house, talk therapy, here, doc, professional is better than none. Holding onto pain is far safer than releasing it for it makes us vulnerable and emotive, etc.

What you are experiencing is life, sometimes it sucks, but it is a test, and you are showing more guts than you realise. Going thru the actual process of healing is a painful ball breaker.

You are worthy of all things, a precious human being of gifts and talents unique only to you. Keep being gutsy, it promotes healing, and I get ya don't care much about it at this time, but I also believe you really do give yourself compassion, hard I know, but helps. This will pass. HT
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