I feel robbed

I just need to vent...

My birthday is next week. I turn 42 and can't believe how time has flied. It's so strange to look in the mirror and see a middle age face, with graying hair staring back. Even my body, which use to be so flexible and somewhat in shape, has change.

One thing that has always remained constant is my depression and anxiety which has gotten worse. When I reflect, I can't remember a time when I was truly happy and worry free. Yes, I had short fleeting moments of happiness and peace of mind, but overall my emotional state has been marked by my illness. I feel so robbed.

I know other people have gone through much worse than me and that I should be grateful for the things I have; however, it's hard to feel grateful when I feel so empty in life and am plagued by worrying thoughts and depression.

I don't what to spend anymore time feeling anxious and depressed, and I am working on it, but I'm scared. Maybe, I'm just scared of changed or things not changing-I don't know. One thing I know is that life is truly fleeting, and I don't want to look back at the end of my life, and realized that I never truly lived it to the fullest.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to vent. I have no one to truly speak to.

Thank you.

My greys are coming so fast that I even have a few grey hair in my eyebrows. YIKES! I so envy people that let their hair go completely grey. I don't think I'm ready for that yet...

I am practicing living in the moment and monitoring my thoughts; I don't know if that counts as mindfulness though.

I'm making plans to travel. I would love to go to London and am going to start saving for the trip. Travelling and being in different countries helps me with my depression and anxiety. I guess because I'm so focus on exploring that country that I don't have time to think.

Dear FP
Welcome! Currently, at age 66 I do not feel as you do now. However, I remember being your age and thinking the worst. I would call people up on the phone and cry. Eventually, they shut me down. I am here to tell you things will get better. they will!

The eyebrows leave alone (they have stuff for that) the hair (don't go gray). If possible plan to go somewhere! It helps to have something to look forward to. I am not a doctor. I do remember how it felt though when everything was falling down around me. Remember it's one step at a time. also, if there is anything you can do physically to feel better for even 30 minutes do it. It really does help. I have to reallyt psych myself up to do it though, lol.
I wish you the best! One good thing ~ you can always come here.

Best
Marina

Hey forever positive, haven’t logged in,in a whileee. But urs is what caught my attention.
Just wanted to say i know what you mean,i feel it, understand it, almost like the words could have been written by me. (Minus the gray hair, cause i shave it all off )
I hope there’s one small thing that u can find happiness about around ur bday... maybe just that people wrote back ?? ! That’s something, isn’t it ?! Someone cares ! (I’ll try using my own advice too hahah but that hardly works )
Hang in there and hope ur bday is what u need it to be !

- Oranged-

I get in the shower on a fairly regular basis. Most of the time, it's 'all business'. In, out, done.

What I've been trying to do lately is to stop and just feel the water. Get my head under it and feel it on my scalp. Try to focus on one drop of water as I feel it.

The point of this practice is to be completely in the moment. To make the other thoughts go away and just focus on one experience.

I have yet to feel just one drop...but the practice of being fully present in one moment is working in other areas of my life.

Last year, a hummingbird came to my garden...stopped directly in front of me as I sat in my usual chair. I was able to shut out all other thoughts and just enjoy the experience of this little bird, furiously flapping its tiny wings, hovering, directly in front of me! Such joy!

It brings to my mind other such instances...the first time I held my newborn daughter in my arms...the first time I held my newborn son in my arms...the first time with each of my grandchildren...sunrises...sunsets...twilight. These little glimpses of joy...that I can, with practice...bring to mind to combat the thoughts of despair and depression. To bring the force of joy into a moment that is far from joyful...it takes practice and effort on my part, but it is possible...and it works!

Thank you all for your replies.

I am trying to live in the moment, but I must admit that I struggle. Today I found myself with 'what if' thoughts. My anxiety is up as well as my emotional eating.

Grrr...one day at a time. Right?

I agree Forvever Positive-
The anxiety and depression are, or can, be so much stronger than anything else.

Pitmom- it’s great you have those moments and experiences, happy for u.