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Still can’t deal with sons death

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Posted 5/4/2019 10:59 AM (GMT 0)
Congrats on the account. This may be just the ticket to keep your mind occupied. I hope it goes well. You should be so proud of yourself...

I hope things continue to go well. Keep hanging in there Weary. And as always, we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/4/2019 7:49 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Weary I'm so proud and so happy for u , show them what you have got , but remember 1 day at a time don't be too hard on yourself God be with u
xxx
Posted 5/4/2019 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
I knew you had it in you - congratulations!. I still think you could write an instruction manual for your job.

I am continuing to send peaceful vibes your way

Kathy
Posted 5/7/2019 2:17 AM (GMT 0)
Went to grief counseling tonight
A lot of sad stories
Children of all ages lost
Don’t know that I got much out of it but the leader thanked me for bringing a lot to the table
Connected somewhat with 2 moms who lost sons around the same age as mine
They both died from substance abuse
One was an only child that’s sad
His father was there and he spoke that he came home and found him
That’s sad
Both families thought the addiction was over
One couple lost a young baby
At first they took their other child away from them how awful is that?!
One mans son was missing for a month and found drowned
I remember reading it about it in the paper
Most of us were first time members with fresh grief
I don’t know
Think maybe I need a one on one counselor
I need my own hr to talk about me
The other stories made me sad and impatient to not talk and I definitely did not want to monopolize the meeting
Husband had to work so couldn’t go
Don’t think he would have liked it but there were a lot of dads there so who knows
He didn’t even ask me how it was and I didn’t have the energy to talk about it anyway
Posted 5/7/2019 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe one on one counseling would be a good thing for you, especially since the group only meets once a month. Since I am in a caregiving profession and a mom, whenever I was in a group therapy setting, I always found that I spent my time taking care of others and not much time for me, or I felt guilty about talking about myself. So I didn't get much out of it.

I hope it is warming up enough where you are so you can get outdoors and get some sunshine therapy.

Sending warm thoughts

Kathy
Posted 5/7/2019 10:54 AM (GMT 0)
I am glad you went to grief counseling Weary. I too think one on one would be good. Maybe you can do both...

I am sorry your hubby didn't attend. But I am glad you went.

Hopefully things will start to get a little easier for you. Keep hanging in there and thanks for checking in.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/9/2019 1:16 AM (GMT 0)
Coroners report was inaccurate and based on assumptions
Does anyone know what type of person I should contact to pursue an investigation for lack of a true investigation of accidental vs suicide or possible homicide?
It’s not the Police
They refuse to give me the report
Posted 5/9/2019 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe a lawyer? They have private investigators they use for cases. Or at least they may be able to direct you in the way to go.
I am so sorry this is happening. It must just be one more burden for you.

Kathy
Posted 5/9/2019 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
I’m beside myself Kathy
Don’t know how I’m going on every day as if everything is fine
Inside everything is not fine
Thanks for your support
Posted 5/9/2019 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
Of course everything is not fine, but it sounds like you have an inner core of strength you did not know about until put to the test. I wish I was there to just hold your hand while you cry. Is there anybody who can do that for you?
Posted 5/9/2019 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Kathy, a lawyer or private investigator. You need closure for this. Therefore you need to know what exactly happened.

Saying prayers and good vibes for you.

Peace and comfort.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/10/2019 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for caring!
Kathy you are so kind to say you would hold my hand while I cry.
I cry alone but only because that’s how I am.
I have a couple of good friends who are more than willing to listen when I open up. It’s easier for me to write and not have to have back and forth. When I’m done writing I’ve let it out and I can’t talk anymore for the time being. It’s good to read a response the next day and I am ready to talk a little more
Tonight I just feel physically ill
Sick to my stomach
Posted 5/10/2019 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
I am glad you have good friends who are there when you need them. I hope you stomach feels better. Maybe it's just time to go to bed.
Posted 5/11/2019 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
Gearing up for Mother’s Day
Already miss that by now there would be a gift bag on the dining room table from my beloved son
My other kids and grandson will be coming to cook and clean up so it will still be nice....but different
Posted 5/11/2019 10:51 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you have a nice Mother's Day Weary. Enjoy the day with your family.

Thinking of you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/11/2019 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad you found a bit of comfort from that song. Another that I make use of is "Homesick" by Mercy Me.

The 'year of firsts' is the most difficult. Let yourself go ahead and feel whatever the days bring. Everyone knows it isn't easy.
Posted 5/12/2019 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
I’ll look for that song Pitmom
Uggh tried to sleep without medication last night
Didn’t work out
Up at 3:17 with disturbing thoughts
Replaying sons last moments that I really don’t know what they were
Got up and went in living room
Really wanted a Xanax but needed to get up early because I had a lot of tasks
After much suffering I took a half
Tried to sit and say I’ll feel better in 15 mins
Suddenly our power went out for no apparent reason
It wasn’t storming
I waited like 5 mins then went online to notify the power company
As I tried to navigate the site within 6 mins it came back on
I’ve heard spirits try to reach you or tell you they are around with electricity
Was very sad today
My son always had a gift bag on the table for me by this time
The good thing is my older son, wife and grandson are spending the night here (also their dog- our cat is not happy he is hiding)
Once they got here I perked up
Everyone is in bed now except for the dog
He’s a good boy
I took 2 Advil Pm a few mins ago to promote a good nights rest
My daughter and her husband will be here tomorrow
They will cook and HOPEFULLY clean up dinner tomorrow
Happy Mother’s Day to all it applies to!
Hope you have a wonderful day!
Posted 5/12/2019 11:08 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you have a good Mother's Day Weary.

I hope you enjoy your family.

Many gentle hugs to you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/12/2019 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Gentle hugs from the turtle too. HT.
Posted 5/16/2019 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
So depressed
Just can’t deal with this
Posted 5/16/2019 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
You must feel so overwhelmed right now. Did you find a one on one counselor to see in addition to the grief group?

Kathy
Posted 5/16/2019 12:15 PM (GMT 0)
You have suffered a huge loss Weary. It is understandable that you would be very depressed. I agree with Kathy, some one on one would be good for you at this time.

Try to hang in there. We are here for you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/18/2019 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
Haven't found a counselor yet. The one I'm interested in is kind of long distance.
Talked to a lawyer today about a thorough investigation not being done. He said there is nothing he can do- I have to deal with the police and if they won't co-operate contact the District Attorney.
It's too late I fear. If they didn't do the investigation...his body is cremated.
Bad day
Posted 5/18/2019 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
Big virtual hug. I hope today was a little better than yesterday.
Posted 5/19/2019 8:55 AM (GMT 0)
I don’t know why I try to sleep without aid
Been up and down all night
Anxiety and disturbing dreams
Its nearly 5 am now and I think I give up
Having a cup of tea and sitting in the dark
Had the cigarette I’ve been craving all night
My right foot is flaring
Doesn’t want any weigh on it
Always try this on the weekend so it doesn’t affect me at work
I want to get back to normal but I just can’t
Friday night we had 4 little bucks in our yard
One kept looking in my car and smelling the stepping stones from it to my sidewalk and looking towards the back door
I felt like maybe it was a sign from my son
But who were the other three
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