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Comforting my friend after her relative passed

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Posted 9/11/2019 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
My friend's brother recently died, by his own choice. (I'm not mentioning the specific word as I don't know if it is allowed). I have no idea how to comfort my friend. I don't even know if I can.

I'm so sorry for what her and her family are going through, especially her mother. They are a very tight knit family. Although I didn't personally know her brother, I felt like I knew him through my friend. He was a young guy with a good career. I don't know what pushed him to that point of no return, but I wished that he would have sought help.

A part of me feels that he was selfish to do what he did as his family is devastated. I know it's hypocritical of me to say that as I have had the same thoughts although I never acted on them. Another part of me, however, know how depression affects the mind and how it clouds your judgment.

I don't know how to help my friend.
Posted 9/11/2019 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Forever
The best thing you can do is listen
Let her know that you have no words but you feel for her and that you are there for her to talk it all out if that's what she needs.
Or be willing to sit with her if she just feels like being quiet or wants to cry.I don't know if you are in the US but even if not The Compassionate Friends group is online and very helpful for those who have lost a child, grandchild or sibling. In the US they have chapters in almost all states where they have group counseling.
There is also guidance for those who need to comfort someone they know in that situation.
They are what's keeping me going....
Posted 9/12/2019 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Weary. I'm on the U.S.

I'll let her know about the sites.

I don't know if I should call her or give her
Posted 9/12/2019 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, the best thing you can do it just be there as support. A friend of mine in high school lost his brother the same way. He would just come over and we'd hang out. Sometimes we'd talk, sometimes it'd be silent. There no real way to know what that person is needing at any given time so just letting them know you're there is a big thing.
Posted 9/12/2019 1:23 PM (GMT 0)
FP... You are a good friend. I agree with the others, just be there. It is a difficult situation, but just being there for her may be all that she needs at this time.

Blessings to you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/13/2019 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi FP. Losing a family member, especially a young one, is very difficult. Others have already offered you some suggestions. The thing I would like to suggest is to reach out to your friend on a regular basis - every day or every few days. Some people need to talk and others are not ready. But being available is the best thing you can do. I lost a partner when I was 30. One friend just called and said he was taking me out to dinner. So I would encourage you to make plans with your friend, whether it be just for a walk, for coffee, or something else you think she might enjoy. Ask her if she wants to talk about the death. She'll let you know if she needs someone to listen. Best of luck!
Posted 9/14/2019 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
I reached out to her and let her know that I'm there for her if she need anything; she has not responded.

I'm going to give her space and maybe reach out to her next week.

I can't help but think about her mother. I know the whole family is grieving, but I can't even imaging the pain that her mother is going through, especially the way her child died. It's so horrible and hope my friend and her family will eventually find some sort of peace.
Posted 9/14/2019 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
As a mother who has recently lost a son I can tell you the pain and loss is like no other.
It is excruciating
There are so many unanswered questions
You replay your life asking what if you did this or didn't do that would things have worked out differently
You feel like you died along with them-when you look in the mirror your eyes look dead
You go through the motions of life but nothing is the same-food has no flavor, the world is devoid of color and the beauty is gone
Your nights are full of terror. You fear you might lose another child or grandchild or spouse.
You don't fear your own death because although you wouldn't take it yourself because you still have loved ones who need you if God called you home you would welcome the peace that you no longer have.

You think of them all day long and cry cry cry
Posted 9/14/2019 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
Weary,

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I can't even begin to understand the pain you and my friend's mother are going through.

When my uncle lost his daughter, he completely shut down. He lost so much weight and looked old beyond his years. He, however, eventually regain his strength, with time, and seems to be a little at peace.

I don't know if the huge hole in our hearts ever closes when we lose a love one; however, it may get a little smaller.

Maybe it's my faith, but I truly believe that our souls don't die, even though our physical bodies does. I also believe our love ones are in a different dimension, waiting for us, and that we'll be reunited one day.

I know it's probably little consolation, when your emotions and pain are so raw, but I do believe one day the pain will lessen and that you will be able to find some joy again.
Posted 9/14/2019 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
She is most likely numb at this point, blocking most things out.

Just be there for her whenever she comes round.

If you live close enough, consider cooking a meal once and while and taking it over.

People do things like this initially, then it quiets down and people move with their lives. But the family still is dealing with the horror of the loss.

Peace and strength
Posted 9/14/2019 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
When helping a friend grieve over the loss of a loved one, you don't have to have a lot of answers. Instead, being a good listener can help. It shows that you care, which is therapeutic in of itself.
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