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Posted 10/15/2019 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

I'm sorry to report that I am still sad nearly all the time.
I don't know how to get out of this funk.
Me & my husband went away for a few days- a mini vacation so to speak.
I'm not saying there weren't some fun moments.
Another grieving mom had said that when she needs a break she talks to her daughter and says- I have to let you know, I need a break from grief, it's not that I don't love you or miss you but I'm not going to think of you for a few days. And then she doesn't.
Well I tried that but I think my son needed me. I kept getting signs like I rented one car but we got a Jeep which he drove. Waiter- his name. other things. Plus dreams of him every night we were there and I have had a hard time remembering dreams.
I can't tell you how sad and how worn out my soul feels.
I don't like to be the complainer- I know how tiresome it is to listen to someone who is always down.
I just don't know when my spirits will lift if ever. sad
Posted 10/15/2019 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
We are here to listen to you, whenever you want. I don't know how long it will take for you to feel better. When my father died, it sent me into a deep depression right in the middle of a very stressful time in my schooling. I didn't come out of that for a couple of years. I think underlying depression can make things worse. But I did come out of it. I'm not over it, and I still cry about it sometimes, but I did stop thinking about his death and my loss all the time and remembered more of the good times and fun we had. My father died 35 years ago this week. I am trying to say, but not very well I'm afraid, that you WILL feel better, but I don't know when. You will always miss your son. It just gets to be less of a constant thing. And when you do have times that you are not thinking about him, it doesn't mean that you are abandoning him or love him any less.
Posted 10/15/2019 3:25 AM (GMT 0)
You're not a complainer. It's understandable what you're going through. Losing your child is beyond horrible and painful.

It's going to take some time for you to heal. Also, would your son what you to feel so sad and down? I would venture to say no. What would he want you to do? How would he what you to feel?

I hope the grief lifts from you soon and that you find peace. Have you found another grief counselor?

Post Edited (ForeverPositive) : 10/14/2019 9:28:40 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/15/2019 8:28 AM (GMT 0)
Continued healing thoughts i send ya. HT
Posted 10/15/2019 1:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hi weary - I'm sorry you're having more bad days than good. Just remind yourself you're allowed to feel what you're feeling and it is normal. I lost my mom coming up on 6 years and there are some days where I just can't seem to think about anything else. I try to remember to tell myself that I was so lucky so have something to miss so dearly.

Have you had any success with a counselor yet?

Keep looking for those little pockets of joy. Sending light and love your way.
Posted 10/15/2019 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
HI Weary,

I am curious too if you have had any luck finding a counselor? Maybe you can talk to the one who was going to do you and your hubby. I think you owe yourself that much. I think it would help you to move on so to speak. I know it isn't easy. Be good to yourself and do keep posting.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/15/2019 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Weary I am sorry for your pain, I can not imgaine jt.

I met a Mom that had 3 children and lost 2, one in their teens and one at 28. She had started therapy but it was making her worse, so she stopped. Before she left at the last session the therapist asked her to try one thing and to text him in 3 months to let him know how she was. She agreed to this.

The one thing was, to get a book, journal, anything, composition book, and write to her children, she could even have 2 separate books for each child.

She decided on 1 because they had a good relationship. She said it was hard at first, anger came out, grief was hard, crying as she wrote. However, this was cathartic and she arrived at a place where she started to share here feelings with them. Her love, memories, hopes and dreams that would not come to be.

And late in the third month, she was writing to them everyday, letting them now, what the family and her were doing.

When she talked to her therapist she agreed to see him once a month. within 2 years she was writing only occasionally. She realized that unconsciously she was letting go. She then had therapy on an on call basis.

I was memorized by this lady, we both have devastating histories, but I think her joy and loss, then rebound slowly back into the presence is beyond what I could do. She sad no, it was not any different than what my journaling does for me.

So weary, I urge you to try this. Or ask your doctor about this. I can't remember, if you are in therapy if you are ask about it.

I wish you peace, comfort, compassion and strength
Trina
Posted 10/16/2019 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your kind responses and you have given me a lot of food for thought.
I stopped looking for a counselor after that bad experience where she forgot we had an appointment and didn’t show.
However I think it’s time to look again
I had another day of tears
I don’t think my son would want me to feel this way and if he knows it would make him upset but I can’t seem to help myself
I miss him so much and we’ve been apart far too long for me to handle
My children have always been my #1 purpose in life and have always had trouble being apart from them like when they went away to college, moved out on their own, my one child lived abroad for a few years
I never acted neurotic about it - didn’t bring it to their attention to the uneasiness I had
My father in law who has passed on was famous for talking about how my three little ducks were in a row
I have had a journal off and on since he died.
I did once write him a letter
I sit outside in the dark and cry and talk to him sometimes
My friend told me she had a dream that I was at a book signing at Barnes and Noble for a book about my son
She said maybe it’s a sign of what you should do
I didn’t tell her I had been thinking of writing such a book
So I tried to start writing but I was writing about the police coming to notify me and the description I was told about how he was found and I started getting panic attacks due to painful memories so I stopped
I’m still being refused the police report and I’ve filed right to know requests and I keep getting denied and right now I’ve called them on the fact that I’m getting the run around since filing an appeal and now I’m being ignored.
Probably why I’m having this grief surge.
Feel like my son wants me to have the answers and I keep failing to get the truth I need.
Thanks for listening and wishing you all peace in your lives .... Lord knows we all have troubles
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