another first

Today he would have turned 28....but he's forever 27.
I miss him so much and it's still....not unbelievable that I'll never see him again...more like it's unacceptable to me that I can't see him again.
Besides the loss of my son and all the sadness that has brought- the rest of my life sucks too.
I lost my job in August and although I didn't start pursuing work until February I'm still not working and I have no medical benefits now.
I had 2 GREAT interviews with a company recently and it appeared it was a shoe in. Then they told me that they had planned on creating a position for me but alas....it was just not in the budget. I feel crushed. I was so excited to get back to work, it was a job that was very appealing to me, the hours were great, the location was close, the people were nice.
I keep getting job alerts from all those sites I've posted my resume to but they are out of my skill set, or selling things I have no knowledge about and would be too difficult for me to learn or far away.
My mother in law is very old and the family members who she was living with texted us (me) back in September saying they wanted us to take her in that they had stepped up to the plate for five yearsand it was our turn. They never even asked how we were doing with the loss of our son or how we were doing with me being out of work. I talked to my husband about it. I told him I was willing but he said he was able to deal with more death and dying. I didn't answer immediately and then we found out that within a day they got other family members to take her in. We are estranged from them but we swallowed that and have been picking her up on a regular basis and bringing her to visit. Now she has had 2 hospitalizations and is on the decline. We went to the hospital to see her and she was being released. It was inconvenient for the people and we were asked to take her home with us for the night but our vehicle on has two seats and our downstairs bathroom was inaccessible due to a construction project and we said we were sorry but we could not. I think it was a ploy to get her here and then have her stay. They are tired of dealing with it too. I again told my husband I was willing but he was not. I then got another text from the original people who kicked her out telling me we are heartless people that are going to rot in hell and a lot of other very hurtful and cruel things. They said how dare we put the burden on their daughter to take care of her- she is our mother not hers. I told my husband that this was very unfair to me. He called them but they didn't pick up and he told them off and said don't text my wife.
I feel really bad about it. Even tho I don't feel up to it I would do it...but my husband doesn't feel he can bear it. It's not my call, it's his.
so everything is just bearing down on me and I feel very sad, hopeless and anxiety ridden.

Weary, what you & your husband are going through is every parents nightmare. Grief has so many different faces. Be kind to yourself & to each other. Time is the only thing the helps heal, how much time, no one knows, we are all different. Don't try to put a time limit on your grief. Some friends of ours lost their only son too. Those of us that were close to them did the best we could, but in all honesty unless a parent loses a child no one really knows what it's like.

Keep putting your resume out there. When the time is right you will find a job. You have qualifications & skills which is a plus. It will happen.

I think your husband made the right decision about his mother. Make peace with the fact that you let him know you would be willing to take care of her. Neither of you are in a good place, taking on the responsibility of his mother would have been hard on both of you. From the way it sounds, had you all taken her in & it didn't work out, odds sound pretty high they would not be willing to take her back. Things often happen for a reason.

I think it is very selfish & cruel of how they have treated you & your husband. Never once asking how either of you are doing says a lot. Be willing to accept your husband made the right decision. Don't go down the what if path over this. A good sensitive caring family would have never asked to begin with.

Take care.

I can only say hugs, hold on to one another
Go through this together
Don't let it tear you about.

As for the aging parent, not everyone is capable of caring for them
A tragic.loss is one reason, diagnosis of aging parent another
Combined it can be a hurricane

I want to say, with out knowing family dynamics, that you and your spouse have to sit and talk about all the choices and outcomes. Make notes maybe do a little research, take into consideration the relationship you both have with the parent
You mom right?

There is a lot of guilt here, especially when other family is looking at it as
[They lost a son, they have room, it will keep them busy]
Try hard TOGETHER not to be railroaded.

In the end all you have to say you are not abke to do it. It is nobody's buisness why
If they approach like your family did.

I wish you peace comfort and strength
🤗😘

Weary - I am so sorry. All you can do is take it day by day and know we are here any time you need to let it out. You've been dealing with so much and for them to throw that in your face and not even ask how you are says so much about THEM. Just keep being true to yourself and do what you need to do to heal. Sending love.

Thanks JR and ocean, it means so much to mean that you understand.

Ocean- the thing of it is mom is the kind of person I would aspire to be. We had her here last year for a few months to give them a break and she was not a problem at all. She is kind, patient, and can roll with all the punches. The only thing was they didn't alert us to her lack of balance and she had a fall. Also she had a TIA while she and I were out in a store which was not the first time when I questioned them about it. It scared the hell out of me.
These people who say they need a break after 5 years forced her to put her house up for sale and move out of state with them. At the time she was in perfect health, able to care for herself on her own and sharp as a tack. Don't want to assume things but I know when she was with us she was always pushing grocery money on us and wanting to pay for the meals if we took her out to eat. We always told her no thank you and when she'd put up a fuss we'd joke- sorry your money is no good here.
It is very recent that she has gone into a quick decline and is exhibiting what would be normal health events and soon to be the end of her life for someone 96 years of age.
We have committed to taking her to her doctor appointments and pick her up and take her out of the house weekly or bi-weekly if she doesn't feel up to it.
Having lost our son almost 1 year ago- my husband just can't handle the day to day and the thought of his mom passing away in our home. The upcoming "angelversary" is weighing on us and causing me to relive that awful day the police notified me of his death. Frankly I can't either although if push came to shove I would do it probably at my own expense.
So we are doing what we can and I still feel guilty because I wish we had it in us to take her in.
I hear you about your wife's dad and will pray for your strength and patience to deal with it.

Sending much peaceful healing compassion. HT

OF58,

Did you and your wife ever start therapy? I think it would help to have an objective eye in your situation. A mediator of sorts. I think it would make you and your wife's life much easier.

Hang in there everybody.

Hugs, Karen...

You will be blessed for taking care of your father in law. And your wife. I do imagine it is hard for her. Kudos to your doctor for helping you.

Hugs, Karen...

I hope you all are experiencing sunshine today.