I’m hurting

HELLO, EVERYONE

I HAVEN’T BEEN ON IN A LONG TIME, IM SORRY. RIGHT NOW, I’M SO SAD AND LOST, THIS IS ALL I COULD THINK OF TO DO.

I’M HOME AT THIS TIME FROM THE HOSPITAL, I’M STILL BEING TREATED FOR C19. I’VE HAD IT FOR MORE THAN A MONTH. I’VE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT AND MUSCLE DUE TO NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT ANY FOODS OR HOLD DOWN LIQUIDS. THIS I COULD DEAL WITH, BUT IT’S THIS MOST HORRIBLE THING THAT IS JUST KILLING ME.

THIS TOOK THE LIFE OF MY DARLING HUSBAND! WE DIDN’T KNOW EITHER OF US HAD IT, TILL I SENT MY DH TO THE ER ON MAR 23. HE JUST COMPLAINED OF CHILLS THAT EVENING AND THAT NIGHT HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. HE WAS IN INTENSIVE CARE FROM THE GET GO. HE HAD SEVERAL OTHER CONDITIONS THAT MADE THIS A TOUGH BATTLE. T1 DIABETES, HEART, COPD, ETC. WE WEREN’T ALLOWED TO VISIT IN THE HOSPITAL, JUST CALL THE PATIENT OR THE RN.

I SPOKE WITH HIM SEVERAL TIMES PER DAY. OUR 3 CHILDREN TRIED TO CALL HIM, USUALLY GOT THE RN’S. THE NEXT TO LAST DAY, OUR DD WAS ABLE TO ARRANGE A CONFERENCE CALL AND WE ALL GOT A CHANCE TO SPEAK TO EACH OTHER, TOGETHER. MY YOUNGER SON AND DH WERE THE GOOFY ONES IN THE FAMILY, SO THEY WERE TRYING TO KEEP THINGS UPBEAT. MY DARLING HAD TO GET BACK UNDER THE OXYGEN AFTER A FEW MINUTES, SO WE HAD TO CLOSE THIS LAST FAMILY CALL.

THE DRS TOLD ME HE PROBABLY WOULDN’T SURVIVE THE VENTILATOR, I TOLD THEM HE PROBABLY WOULDN’T GO THAT ROUTE. I WAS RIGHT, HE DIDN’T WANT HEROIC MEASURES. EACH TIME I SPOKE WITH HIM, I ASKED HOW HE WAS DOING. HIS RESPONSE WAS ‘PRETTY GOOD, ACTUALLY’. HIS OXYGEN WAS DOWN BTW 50 - 60. THAT AFTERNOON, OUR PCP WAS WITH HIM AT THE HOSPITAL AND HE STAYED WITH HIM TO THE END. HE CALLED TO TELL ME MY SWEET BABY WAS GONE. IT HAS BEEN 18 DAYS THAT HE IS GONE, AND I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT.

I NEVER GOT TO SEE HIM ONE LAST TIME, NEVER GOT TO HOLD HIM ONE LAST TIME, NEVER GOT TO SAY I LOVE YOU AS HE LEFT.

WE WERE MARRIED 42 1/2 YRS., I CANT BELIEVE IT ENDS THIS WAY. WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER.

I FEEL LIKE I WAS DROPPED ON A NEW PLANET, WHERE NOTHING IS NORMAL OR REAL.

THERE IS MORE I’M FEELING, BUT I THINK I’VE DUMPED MORE THAN ENOUGH ON EVERYONE RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS LONG POST, I DO APPRECIATE IT.

KAREN, IF YOU FEEL ANY OR ALL NEEDS TO BE DELETED, I UNDERSTAND.

GOD BLESS. ALICE

So sorry Alice....

Please try to look after yourself, and nurture yourself. As you get stronger you will be able to deal better with such a huge change. At least your darling is at peace, and no doubt will be hugging you in spirit.

Take care

Alice,

You are not alone, we are hear for you. I can not give you an actual hug but I can tell you I want to give you one.

I give you compassion and empathy. If you need some one to talk to, please email me. I would be glad to be there for you.

Peace, compassion, hugs
Trina

My heart goes out to you. Blessings on you and your family as you travel through this difficult time.

FIRST, LET ME THANK EACH OF YOU FOR TREMENDOUS KINDNESS. SOME OF YOU ARE OLD - I MEAN THAT IN THE NICEST WAY - AND VERY DEAR FRIENDS. SOME OF YOU, I’VE MET ON A FEW OCCASIONS. SOME OF YOU, I’VE NEVER MET BEFORE. YOU EACH RESPONDED AS AN OLD FRIEND WOULD RESPOND. THANK YOU, IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

MIKE AND RAT, I WAS BLESSED TO HAVE MY DH FOR OVER 40 YRS. MY CHILDREN, AND MY EXTENDED FAMILY ARE MY BLESSINGS. THEY HAVE ALL RALLIED AROUND ME AND EACH OTHER. THE FORUM HAS ALWAYS BEEN A GODSEND.

LUVZ, I ALSO REMEMBER YOU VERY WELL. YOU ARE ONE OF THE DEAREST PEOPLE I’VE EVER MET! I TRY VERY HARD TO STAY IN THE PRESENT, THE FUTURE IS TOO HARD TO IMAGINE RIGHT NOW. I GRATEFULLY ACCEPT ANY AND ALL PRAYERS. YOU ARE ONE OF GOD’S ANGELS HERE ON EARTH. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS, TOO!

TRINA, THANK YOU FOR THE HUG! I CAN FEEL IT AND THE FRIENDSHIP THAT COMES WITH IT! IT MEANS A LOT TO ME!

KAREN, YOU AND I GO WAY BACK. WHEN WE FIRST MET, I THOUGHT ‘THIS LADY’ HAS SUCH A GOOD AND TRUE HEART! ALL THESE YRS LATER, I STAND BY THOSE WORDS!! I’M TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF - WITH THE HELP OF MY OLDER SON IN THE HOUSE. HE COOKS, PREPS, ETC WHATEVER I NEED. I DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO FOR MYSELF. HE HAS BEEN TERRIFIC. I’D BE IN A NURSING HOME RIGHT NOW IF HE WASN’T ABLE TO HELP ME. MY MUSCLES ARE BASICALLY WASTED AT THIS POINT. LOVE YOU, TOO, DEAR FRIEND.

AMBLING, THANK YOU. IT’S FUNNY, YOU MENTIONED about MY DH HUGGING ME. I HAD A DREAM IN THE HOSPITAL THAT MY DH WAS HUGGING ME. I FELT SO SAFE, THEN I FELT HIM LET GO. I WOKE UP CHILLED AND SHAKING. I WANT THAT HUGGING DREAM BACK AGAIN.

MY DEAR JAMIE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONDOLENCES. I KNOW THE HW FAMILY IS HERE FOR ME. MY BRAIN WAS TRYING TO REGISTER A SAFE PLACE AND THIS IS WHERE MY BRAIN LEAD ME. I DO APPRECIATE THAT YOU ARE HERE FOR ME. YOU KNOW THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

IF IT’S YOUR BEDTIME, SLEEP WELL. IF IT’S THE START OF YOUR DAY, I HOPE IT’S FILLED WITH ONLY GOOD AND HAPPY THINGS. GOOD NIGHT, DEAR FRIENDS.

GOD BLESS. ALICE.

Alice,

You are so loved here. We do go back a long way. Since 2007. I see you joined before me. It has been a long time. I am so glad you posted. Yet so sorry for your loss. And for all you have been through.

I like what you said about that dream. That would be so comforting.

My dog got me up at 4:45 this morning to do out and did nothing. That is why I am here so early. She a little stinker. I will try again.

I hope your day goes well Alice. Know we all care so much about you.

Love and hugs,

Karen...

HI Alice,

We are suppose to get a warm up soon. I think Saturday it is suppose to be nice. I am looking forward to that.

One thing my dog has always loved is belly scratches. Her name is Luna. She is a black German Shepherd. She let me sleep until 5:00 this morning. I would rather sleep until six. Ha...

I am glad you are getting color in your garden. My stuff is just now pushing up. I had a crocus bloom though. It was white and a little yellow.

I love Bruce. His songs are so real.

Thanks for posting Alice. Soon it will be summer. I, myself can't wait.

Have a wonderful day...

Hugs, Karen...

HI KAREN,

LUNA SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL! SHE IS A GOOD GIRL, AT LEAST SHE LET YOU SLEEP TILL 5. ONE DAY SHE’LL LET YOU SLEEP TILL 6, MAYBE ;)

THROUGH MY FRONT DOOR I COULD SEE ONE OF MY AZALEAS IN BLOOM, THAT HAS TO BE ALMOST 39 YRS OLD. A NEIGHBOR OF MINE USED TO DIG UP LITTLE OFF SHOOTS AND ASK IF I WANTED THEM. I HAVE NEVER REFUSED AN AZALEA IN MY LIFE. ONE SIDE OF MY YARD DOES GREAT WITH AZALEAS, THE OTHER SIDE, NOT SO MUCH. WE HAD A SLEW OF CROCUSES COME IN JANUARY AND FEBRUARY, WHITE, YELLOW AND SHADES OF PURPLE, SO LOVELY.

SATURDAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE NICE THIS WEEKEND, MY SON WILL MOW THE YARD FOR ME. I’M STILL NOT ALLOWED OUT AND TBT I REALLY DON’T HAVE THE URGE TO GO OUT. ONE DAY, JUST NOT NOW.

HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT AND A GREAT FRIDAY - WE ARE EXPECTING A DELUGE OF RAIN TONIGHT INTO TOMORROW. CAN NOT WAIT! YEP, THAT’S SARCASM.

JAMIE, I HEAR YOU ON THE WINDS FROM THE BAY. THE RIVER IS AT THE END OF MY STREET, WE ARE ONLY BLOCKS FROM THE BAY, AND THE OCEAN IS BLOCKS FROM THE BAY. I LIKE WHEN YOU CAN SMELL THE OCEAN FROM HERE, ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER, BUT WHEN IT BLOWING COLD, IT NOT AS COMFORTING AS I WOULD LIKE IT. YET, MOST OF THE TIME, I LOVE WHERE I LIVE. I’VE ALWAYS LIVED BY THE WATER AND I HOPE I ALWAYS DO. JUST WISH THE WEATHER WAS THAT PERFECT TEMPERATURE- ‘JUST RIGHT’. I AM GOLDILOCKS!

I DO HOPE THE DELIVERY COMES VERY SOON FOR YOU, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL! I’M SORRY THAT IT IS NECESSARY FOR YOU, BUT IF IT WOULD MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER, LESS STRESS GETTING AROUND, THEN I DO HOPE IT COMES SOON. MY OLDER BROTHER HAD ONE AND IT MADE A BIG DIFFERENCE IN HIS INDEPENDENCE. HE STILL HAS IT, BUT DOESN’T USE IT AS OFTEN NOW. IT HELPED HIM OVER THE HURDLE. WHEN HE NEEDS IT, IT IS STILL THERE.

I THINK OF IT LIKE MY HANDICAP PARKING PLACARD, ON GOOD DAYS, I PARK IN REGULAR SPOTS. ON NOT SO GOOD DAYS, I NEED THE HELP. I PARK IN HANDICAP SPOTS.

I HOPE YOU’RE WRONG about YOUR WINTER AND ITS RATHER MILD. THAT IS MY WISH FOR YOU. AND, YES, WE DON’T WANT YOU HOMELESS. TURTLES NEED THEIR SAFE SHELL TO KEEP THEM WARM AND DRY. ESPECIALLY, OUR FAVORITE TURTLE. 🐢

MY LOVE BACK TO YOU BOTH.

GOD BLESS. ALICE.

DEAR KAREN,

SO SAD TO HEAR LUNA HAS THE PROBLEM WITH HER TAIL. I HAD A SCOTTIE YRS AGO WHO HAD THAT SPOT JUST ABOVE HER TAIL FOR about THE LAST TWO YRS OF HER LIFE. SHE LIVED TO BE 14 1/2 YRS OLD AND NOTHING WE DID NOR THE VET SEEMED TO HELP. SHE WAS SUCH A MELLOW DOG, IT WAS TOUGH TO WATCH HER SUFFER.

I’VE HAD FIBRO ALL MY LIFE, DIDN’T KNOW IT TILL I WAS MIDDLE AGED. I ALWAYS FOUND THE RIVER WATER TO BE SO COLD. I LOVED TO GO TO THE BEACH AS A CHILD, I WOULD JUMP IN, FREEZE, SWIM FOR A FEW, GO UP ON THE BEACH, WRAP IN MY LG TOWEL AND SHIVER. WARM UP AND REPEAT. NEVER FOUND HEATED POOLS TO BE WARM ENOUGH. I JUST AVOID THE POOLS AND THE RIVER NOW. MY TEMP RUNS BTW 94.6 - 96.7, SO I NEED VERY WARM TEMPS, NOT LUKE WARM TEMPS.

HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY, AND TOMORROW IS EVEN BETTER FOR YOU.

GOD BLESS. ALICE.

Oh my gosh, Alice!!! This is such a horrible story. My heart goes out to you. I’m so glad you have your children to lean on and, as time passes, you will start living again.

I’m glad your gardens are starting to bloom and so will you. When things warm up, you will be able to get out and enjoy the flowers and this will help with your depression. It sure did with mine after I lost my husband suddenly. Meanwhile, please walk around your home, maybe try marching in place while watching TV...things like that. Your illness as well as your depression are making you feel weak. You need to keep your muscles as strong as you can. Remember...if you don’t use it you will loose it.

Live one day at a time and plan on a better tomorrow. It will happen. Take it from someone who knows.

Be sure to check your email later. I’m sending you an email. Take care and know I love you and will be praying for you.

Sherrine

HI KAREN,

IF LUNA WILL BE TWO IN SEPTEMBER THEN SHE REALLY IS STILL A BABY, I BELIEVE I’VE READ THAT LARGE DOGS DON’T MATURE AS QUICKLY AS SMALLER DOGS. SHE WILL HOPEFULLY OUT GROW THE TAIL BITING W/I THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. FOR BOTH YOUR SAKES!!

I DO HOPE TODAY WAS AS LOVELY AS YOU WERE EXPECTING IT TO BE. THE SUN SHONE ALL DAY HERE ON THE COAST. TOMORROW WE ARE EXPECTING RAIN THRU MONDAY. I DIDN’T GO OUT.

HOPE YOU ARE STARTING TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE EVENING, HAVE A WONDERFUL EVENING AND A TERRIFIC DAY TOMORROW.

HI SHERRINE,

THANK YOU, I DO APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH. I’M TRYING TO DO THE NORMAL THINGS, I SHOULD DO. I TOOK A SHOWER THIS MORNING, 1/2 HR LATER DRIED MY HAIR. I HAD MY BREAKFAST AND MEDS. DID MY ROUTINE OF WEIGHT, BP, OXYGEN FOR VIRTUAL VISITING NURSES. I HAVE A SMALL PROGRAM OF EXERCISES I HAVE TO DO EACH DAY - IN BED OR OUT OF IT. IT INCLUDES MARCHING. MY DOGS THINK IT’S A GAME. HOPE NO ONE LOSES HIS NOSE ;) MY DDIL’S DM KEEPS MAKING ME HOMEMADE CHICKEN SOUP - IT IS DELICIOUS!!

MY OLDER SON IS WITH ME AND DOES WHATEVER NEEDS TO BE DONE. I’VE TRIED TO DO THE SMALL AND LIGHT THINGS I CAN HANDLE. BUT HE IS RIGHT THERE WATCHING TO MAKE SURE I’M OK. THE OTHER TWO DO OUR GROCERY SHOPPING. WHATEVER WE NEED THEY GET FOR US. INCLUDING DOG FOOD, SAID TWO HAPPY BOYS.

I LIKE LOOKING OUT AT THE COLOR OF THINGS COMING UP, MY DH AND I WERE EXCITED TO SEE THE START OF THE SPRING GARDEN. WE HAVE A LITTLE BISTRO SET WE PUT UP ON THE SMALL BACK DECK. WE WOULD HAVE OUR BREAKFAST OUT THERE AND WATCH ALL THE LITTLE CREATURES SCURRYING AROUND THE YD. DELIGHTFUL TIME OF DAY, US IN THE SHADE WATCHING THEM LIVING THEIR BUSY LITTLE LIVES. I WILL PROBABLY SIT OUT THERE OVER THE SUMMER, BUT I DON’T THINK I’M UP FOR MUCH GARDENING. NOT THIS YEAR, MAYBE NEXT YEAR.
I SENT YOU AN EMAIL ON HW.

HI TRINA,

NORMALLY, I LOVE GARDENING. I ALSO AM LIMITED IN MY PHYSICAL ABILITIES. I USED TO BE ON MY HANDS AND KNEES. THESE PAST YRS. I’VE USED A LITTLE WAGON AND ROLLED MYSELF AROUND THE AREA AND JUST LEAN OVER AND DIG WITH HAND TOOLS OR IN A CHAIR AND DIG WITH THE BIG SHOVEL. JUST NOT AS INSPIRED THIS YR. I HEAR YOU about THE CHANGE IN MANY HRS IN THE GARDEN.

I HAD MANY HOUSE PLANTS, LOST SEVERAL WHILE I WAS SICK BEFOR AND DURING HOSPITAL STAY. I FEEL BAD BUT CAN’T BE HELPED. ONE WAS A LEMON TREE MY DDIL GAVE MY DH FOR FATHER’S DAY IN 2018.

YOUR BABY AZALEAS SOUND WONDERFUL AND TUES AND WED SHOULD BE NICE, IT WOULD BE A GREAT TIME FOR THEM TO BLOOM. I LIKE YOUR PLANS FOR THE GROUND COVER, GOOD BYE WEEDS!! YES. I HAVE MANY AZALEAS IN MY YD, BUT SEVERAL ARE MY FAVS, A TALL ORANGE ONE W A SMALLER PURPLE ONE UNDER IT, THEY USUALLY BLOOM TOGETHER. LOVELY! ON THE SIDE OF MY HOUSE IS A LITTLE DELICATE LAVENDER AZALEA THAT CAPTURED MY HEART ALMOST 40 YRS AGO AND REFUSES TO LET GO. AND I’M OK WITH THAT.

THANK YOU LADIES, FOR MAKING ME THINK OF SOMETHING SWEET AND BEAUTIFUL FOR A LITTLE WHILE. IT WAS A NICE BREAK FOR THE BRAIN.

GOD BLESS EACH OF YOU. LOVE, ALICE.

Hi Alice,

Feel free to email me too. I didn't see an email address in your profile.

Luna hopefully will grow out of the tail chasing. She is still very puppyish at this time. You are right it takes a couple of years to grow out of things.

I hope you have a lovely day. I am glad your son is with you. God Bless.

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Alice,

I thought we had emailed before but I can't seem to find an address. I have changed to gmail from two others so that could be it.

It was a beautiful day yesterday weather wise here. Sunny and in the 60's. I was outside a lot. Today it is suppose to rain but we need it. We are mostly sand so it gets dry fast. I hope to get outside this morning before the rain starts though for a few minutes. I take Luna out and sit in a chair.

Your dogs sound awesome. I hope you can be with them soon.

I can hear the birds outside. I love the sound of that. Especially in the morning and evening. When everything else is quiet.

I hope you have a good day too. I need to feed Luna. I make her an egg with her food in the mornings. She loves that.

Take care. I hope to get an email soon. My address is in my profile.

Hugs, Karen...