Many years, many antidepressants and still not content.

I’m a 60 year old woman who has suffered with anxiety/depression for 25+ years at least. The only friends I have are 2 from HS that I rarely keep in touch with. I can’t follow them on FB bc I get too sad seeing all they do with family and other friends that I don’t know. I’m on disability due to numerous conditions so I don’t have a job to be social at. I did volunteer for about 1 year but everyone was 80+ and after a while that became too much. We had nothing in common and frankly I think it made my depression worse. I moved with my husband to a 55+ housing development when I was 52 and pretty much everyone is 75+. Again not much in common. I don’t dislike older people but I need more contemporaries. I’m friendly and kind to my neighbors. My husband is a saint. He is very understanding and tries to be supportive. I just don’t know what to tell him when he wants to help. I don’t know what I need so I can’t tell him. I have 3 children, all grown and 4 grandchildren ages 10-16 yrs. They all have their own thing going on and grandma isn’t really a part of that. I understand. I think that’s normal for them. We lived 150 miles from them for the baby, toddler years and even though we tried to visit at least 2x a month I feel I missed out on so much. Their other gma lived with them and has a closer relationship with them. I understand that too but it still makes me sad that I missed out. I love my children and their spouses(only 2 have partners) and I love my grandchildren and my husband very much. I know they love me but I still feel so empty and like a failure.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 30 years ago, depression/anxiety soon followed, then Lyme. I’ve had many surgeries (13) and the last one was very difficult for me. It failed and needed to be redone which devastated me. I can’t seem to climb out of the hole I’ve gotten myself in.
I have siblings, they live close but are much younger and we’re not emotionally close. I wish we were but I think that ship may have sailed. I feel like they find me a sad case and don’t really want to be around me. I think they resent that I receive disability. They don’t know all the details of my life/health and don’t need to. On the occasion that I am included I do my best to show happiness and be upbeat. I put on an act but IDK maybe they see through it. IDK if I did something to alienate them without realizing it or not. I always bring food, treats etc when included, never broach the topic of our estrangement and act as if all is well. As a result I have no relationship with my nieces and nephews. Which makes me sad too.
I sometimes spend days in bed due to a chronic pain issue or depression. They pretty much take turns. I’ve been on antidepressants for years. Currently Wellbutrin, cymbalta, lamictal, Xanax and to get myself going vyvanse. I suppose I’m better now than last year at this time but certainly not good. I cry everyday for just a bit 10-15 minutes but I used to cry for hours.
I feel empty and helpless. I’m unable to do many physical things and that is upsetting. I never know how my pain condition will be so it’s difficult to make plans. We have to cancel if it’s not a good pain day and that is upsetting to me, even though I should be used to it by now. I see a therapist and a psych dr. I feel as if I try and try but don’t get anywhere. I’ve different drs and therapists and this has been my best combo so far.
I don’t know what to do. Previously (15 years ago) I was thinking of suicide. I don’t feel that way now but I don’t know how to keep going.
Covid-19 has of course made everything worse. I haven’t seen my mother, who lives 1 mile from me, bc she is immune compromised. She wouldn’t let me visit outside in her yard with me wearing a mask and gloves. Then I found out she’s been having the cleaning lady come in. That hurt. I haven’t seen her in person since February. I also feel she finds me somewhat pathetic. I guess I find myself somewhat pathetic. But I don’t want to be. Chronic pain is a ***** and takes a lot out of me. I don’t think my family realizes that and IDK how to make them understand. We got a puppy last year and I turn to him when I’m in a really bad place. Just petting his soft fur is helpful sometimes.
If anyone has any suggestions or ideas that might help me I would be happy to hear them. Thank for reading. Be well and safe.

Welcome Kramersmom

I found that having hobbies help.

I have no family and few friends

I sew, which has stopped since Alzheimers units are not taking donations and there is no longer a shortage of masks

I dabble at art, piano I have a 200.00 keyboard, I have a dog that lives me
Embroidery
Jigsaw puzzles while listening to music

Here is a link to a free sight that has lots of good stuff to help

https://mindful.org

Inspiredby3,

I understand the fatigue. I take 30mg adderall and it helps. Talk to your doc or psychiatrist.

I have had fibromyalgia for about 18 years. Constant pain and fatigue. I can handle the pain but not the fatigue. The adderall I am taking isn't the best as it is a generic, but if I didn't have it I probably wouldn't get out of bed.

If you can get out for a walk, a short one, during the day that would probably help. It clears your head and gives you some energy.

I hope you find what works for you. Remember one day at a time. That is the best we can do.

Hugs, Karen...

Yes, none if us are alone in this battle...

Chronic pain
Lack of sleep
Negative thought loops

We all battle against these and more....

Posting here helps alot!!
Peacr