HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Get depressed about mother figure attachments. Anyone relate?

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 5/16/2016 5:24 AM (GMT 0)
I get really attached to older women that I guess are kind of authority figures, so they kind of seem motherly, and I guess I want them to adopt me or something. For example, the first time I remember this happening it was with my high school English teacher. We were close, and I cried so much when I graduated, and it took me a long time to get over that. We emailed for a while, but as usual those things have a way of fading out. But now I'm in my 30s, and I'm still doing it. Except now instead of teachers, it's doctors or therapists. It's like I have a hole in my heart where the connection with my mom should be, and when someone listens to me and understands and takes my concerns seriously, they fill that in for me. And then I'm off on my obsessive overly attached journey with them. And then I live in fear of losing them, and if I do lose them, it pulls me into a depression so deep. I'm inconsolable. Sometimes if I even think they're mad at me or I did something wrong, I panic and want to make it right, and I feel sick until it's resolved. I've googled this, and I've seen older posts about this on other forums. But I'd really love to talk to someone that understands this feeling. I think there's a lot of overlap with depression and people whose mother and/or father didn't listen to their feelings and take them seriously and then trying to fill that void with other mother or father figures.
Posted 5/16/2016 2:41 PM (GMT 0)
Can't relate to the mother thing, Museinc - my mother issues are generally centered around how weird my mom is. I can see where this would be a tough row to hoe though. Brains are strange things, and often create neuronal wiring that, while once productive, is now sort of vestigial. Hopefully you can talk therapy your way to the bottom of it.

Best of luck, Museinc. :)
Posted 5/16/2016 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
Can kind of relate, my mother was out there.

Never did the replacement thing though, one was enough for me.

Are you being 100% honest with the professionals as the feelings come up? Right away? This way the emotionals can be tackeled and examined and you can process before they manifest.

Just a thought.

Peace
Trina
Posted 5/17/2016 5:52 AM (GMT 0)
I get where you are coming from. I had a therapist that became like a mother to me... I didn't really have a mother, she was there but not emotionally available and she was abusive. I never really weaned off my therapist like I should have. I moved suddenly due to a break up in my relationship. I long for a relationship that a mother has with their child. I just figure I will never really have that. I tend to keep women who care about me at bay. That is something I really need to work on.

On the other hand.. my real father died before I was born. My first stepdad was good but my second stepdad sexually abused me. I was also raped at a young age by a stranger and then gang raped at the age of 13. So, I really never had a father either. My way of filling the void was using sex. I'm not proud of that at all.. it's all I knew. My first "boyfriend" was in his late 20's when I was 14... the way I was raised it was like sex was an obligation not an option but yet it filled a void that nothing else could.

So... needless to say... I've been in therapy most of my life and I'm still working on things. My story isn't exactly like yours but I can understand why you would react the way you have.
Posted 5/17/2016 6:16 AM (GMT 0)
I can relate in a way. My Momma died over 30 years ago and my stepmother never liked me. Like K above me, I went through a lot of abuse as a young child. I find myself being attached to therapists because many of my best friends have passed away tragically. Between Mom and my friends, I think I am scared of working hard to build another friendship only to have it end in loss.

It's important to have someone you can talk to who cares and listens to you. It makes sense to me that you would want to fill the void your mother didn't fulfill for you. Teachers and therapists would be the obvious people you would be drawn to because they would have those feelings.

I would talk to your therapist about it. They would know better how much is healthy for you to depend on them. I asked mine about that once, and she said they watch for that in their clients and it is their responsibility to keep the client from having an unhealthy attachment. My guess is that there are behaviors they see in those who are too attached that are easily identified by them.

Keep sharing here - even though we may not be experiencing the same things, we still care and are here to support one another!
Posted 5/18/2016 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
F27 I should be in talk therapy. I had a few disappointments with therapists, and I had to take a break, but I'm realizing I need this.

Trina I have only told my past therapist about it. I feel more comfortable with a therapist cause your supposed to share those kind of things. I'd feel weird telling my dr that. I was doing some research, and I think therapists call it transference. But I don't know if that's what im doing or not.

KChrispKat I'm so sorry you had to endure the loss of your father and such horrific abuse. I hope you have been helped by the years of therapy. Do you have a good therapist now where you feel like youre improving? I think sometimes therapy just has to be maintenance. Like you can't stop going for very long because if you're not moving forward with them, sometimes you're slipping back and we can't be hard on ourselves for taking longer than we'd like. What you've been through isn't something anyone could get over at all quickly or easily. I had a friend who was abused by her father and her mother died, and she said you have to learn to mother yourself. She has a point and I've tried to remember that, but it's just not a very good replacement for a real mother. But it does help me sometimes.

Lucy I'm so sorry that you lost your mother so many years ago and have lost friends tragically. Losing people suddenly in tragic ways is a whole different trauma than someone dying of cancer and I read a book that talks about that called How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies if you'd like to check it out. So, I can totally understand your fear of loss and wanting to avoid new relationships. I have been through different situations obviously, but I'm quite obsessed with loss as well, and I often feel it's just not worth getting attached to people cause the loss just hurts too much and I have to protect myself. But I guess that's not the best way to live life.
Posted 5/18/2016 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
Museinc, I have done a little inner child work.. trying to learn how to nurture and care for myself like a mother would. I need to work on that some more. I do have a good therapist. Not sure whether I'm moving forward or backwards sometimes.. but I think forward. I just have setbacks that sometimes throw me off a bit. All and all I'm stronger than I was in the beginning of therapy.
Posted 5/18/2016 4:16 AM (GMT 0)
I think you are correct with the idea of transference. I also think that in a lot of ways that is normal. My understanding is you are replacing the person who "failed you" in meeting that need with someone else.

I can understand that from the point of having had a very unhealthy relationship with my father, and wanting my boyfriends, and then my husband to replace that unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, that left me wanting them to take care of me since I was not taken care of as a child.

I think a good therapist would be able to help you a lot with this, and I also think you need to be sure you are very honest about how you feel with them.

I was amazed while reading your comments at the caring statements you had for me and K. While you are struggling with your own issues, you are very compassionate for what others are going through. Impressive!
Posted 5/19/2016 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
KChrispcat I'm glad to hear you have a good therapist and feel overall stronger. I know setbacks can throw you off, but it's normal to have setbacks. It's disappointing when you think you've come so far and you're improving, and then you have a day that feels like you felt 10 or 20 years ago. That's kind of what I'm going through right now with this mother figure stuff. I feel like I'm in high school English class again, and I think to myself how have I not learned how to stop feeling this way by now? But I'm trying to just go back to what worked before. That seems to be all we can do.

Lucy I understand the feeling of wanting boyfriends to take care of me as well. Im currently in a relationship with someone a lot older than me, and I guess that is like the classic father replacement type thing. Have you been able to work through that need of being taken care of by them? It does seem the natural thing to do to find a replacement relationship. But then we get called "needy" or something similar as if that is somehow our fault. I'm needy cause I was deprived. That's just cause and effect. It is a relief to understand the behaviors though and where the pain comes from and what we are lacking. Thanks for saying I'm compassionate. I'm glad to hear that. I can say the same about the both of you for taking the time to respond to me with all of your difficulties that are much worse. I really appreciate that. It's been helpful to feel understood and encouraged. This is my first post on here, so thank you for a great experience!
Posted 5/19/2016 7:09 AM (GMT 0)
Museinc I think what you said "trying to go back to what worked before" is the right idea.
Posted 6/30/2020 8:57 AM (GMT 0)
it's odd that it feels like I ghost write this post. I can relate to Museinc so much. My mom left me when I was 10 and I've been living with my dad until today. Back in primary school, I stopped being myself after my mom left like I quit playing sports and I'm just messy. And one of my teacher noticed it and she asked me about it and that was the first time I told anyone about my parents separation. The teacher was always there for me even until I get into highschool. And I'm in my 20s now and she's still there for me. I always hope that she can adopt me. Even in highschool I depend alot on my English teacher. She would always listen to my stories, celebrated my birthday, give me advices. She's the best. I got really attached to her that I would go to see her at her office every free time I have. You know it just makes me feel better to hear from someone else that my mom is the one to blame for leaving me and ghosting me instead of "every mother loves their child" or "no matter what, she's still your mother". It's been hard. I am still dealing with this issues that I think I can never get over with.
Posted 6/30/2020 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
cookiecrisps

Welcome to the forum.

If you are still on your Dad's insurance make an appointment with your family doctor and ask for referral to a therapist.

If you are working full time, and have insurance call and see if your benefits cover therapy.

In your 20's, you have an entire life time ahead of you!! Yes, you can fix this, and it may not be as bad as you think. Knowing you want help is have the battle.
Posted 5/4/2021 5:36 AM (GMT 0)
I absolotely relate and understand where you are coming from. I'm 16 years old and my mom was always physically there but she was always mentally absent whether it be because of her workaholic habits or just her emotionally unresponsive self. Throughout highschool I had a strange attachment to older female teachers, I would get attached and message them and even tell them I love them.. I used to daydream about them adopting me, I felt crazy but now I understand that because my mom was never really emotionally there for me, it makes me have a strong love and attachment for other motherly figures in my life.
Posted 5/4/2021 8:29 PM (GMT 0)
Ran

Many teenagers fantasize like you do
If you go therapy now or in the future
Please tell them this

If this is disrupting your life now
Ask parents to take to the do .
Tell him/her privately
PeCe
Posted 7/21/2021 6:28 AM (GMT 0)
I relate to every single word. I’m 16, turning 17 in September, and I’ve had this issue for as long as I can remember, although it’s gotten worse as I’ve become a teenager. I get obsessively attached to any woman that gives me any sort of maternal attention. I also dread the day that they’ll inevitably leave my life and I fall into a depression when they do.
Posted 7/22/2021 3:53 AM (GMT 0)
Whoop,

Welcome..

Let me say we are not clinical here just peers.

Sounds as if talk therapy would helpful for you.
This out look as you know is not healthy.
I suggest you speak to your doc
Or school nurse/doc
Family doc

They can help you find the right things you need.

Peace
Posted 5/12/2022 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
You described my exact feelings. I’m a 28 yo female and I still look for mother figures. And when I do find an older woman that is willing to care for me, I get overly attached to her. My mother is a narcissist and has always been emotionally unavailable and she’s verbally and emotionally abusive to me. So I guess I try to find maternal love in older women since I was deprived of it my entire life. My father was abusive too but I don’t have a desire to look for father figures, only mother figures. It makes me feel so childish having these needs. I feel like I should be over this but it just won’t seem to go away.

Post Edited (Lonelymess) : 5/12/2022 1:21:24 PM (GMT-6)

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply