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Lonely, yet feeling better off alone...

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Posted 2/20/2012 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
I'm having trouble with keeping close friendships...I've actually felt this way my whole life. I love being around people and sharing experiences but when it gets to the point where they want to hang out all the time and act needy I feel like I don't have the strength to deal with it, especially now that I'm finally back to enjoying spending time alone after the break up of a two year relationship. I need space and friends seem to demand so attention. I had one person get really mad at me because i didn't text him back within ten minutes of his message..and I was just busy doing other things at the time and got back to him. I don't know what to do. I can hardly take care of myself, I can't sleep, I don't have anything positive in my life right now and I feel just empty. Then people try to give me advice saying "oh, just go meet some nice, good friends... why are you like this?!" They don't listen and realize how hard it is when I'm severely depressed, sleep deprived and have terrible anxiety around people most of the time. Everyone seems to think there's something wrong with me for spending alot of time alone and not having any good friends. I'm wondering if they're right. But I don't know how to fix it. Sure I've been trying new things when I can even though I have anxiety. I go to group therapy, I go to parties or events sometimes and I'm going to try to volunteer, even though all of this is really hard for me. Friends just don't seem to come easy. Most people look at me like I'm crazy or an outcast but I try to be nice and polite...it just doesn't seem to work out :( Either we don't hit it off or the friendship falls apart because I can't handle all the expectations
Posted 2/20/2012 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
I spend a lot of time alone too. And for some of the same reasons that you do. When we like to be alone, I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. Being a friend can be hard work. Especially for people like us. Take it as it comes, do what you can. IF they don't understand, then that is their problem not yours. I am not into texting, I don't have the time for it. So don't feel bad about that.

I do have a good friend now that ocmes over every day. I was worried that I couldn't handle it, but she is very comfortable to be around and I got use to it. My fear is will I be feeling alone if the friendship ends, because I have gotten use to her being around. But I try not to worry about that. One day at a time. That is all that we can expect out of ourselves.

I think you are doing okay and I wouldn't worry too much about what others think aobut you. You are doing what you can and that shoudl be enough.

Keep posting. It makes us feel better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/22/2012 11:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks you guys for the advice...it helps knowing I'm not the only one. I just wish it wasn't such a conflict in my life. I know alot of it is the expectations I put on myself, but it just becomes too much to bear when people tell me I'm wrong for being the way I am :/ I do just want to be happy whether I'm alone or not...

I really think it's good to be able to be content spending time alone...I just wanna accept myself and have others be there for me too. Hmm. I'm trying to hang in there. I think I've been on Cymbalta in the past...I'm not too sure about medications at the moment I'm off prescription drugs but thinking of going to see a psychiatrist now that I have medicaid.

Thanks for listening <3
Posted 2/22/2012 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Yes do see a psychiatrist while you have the funds. Madicaid really helps. Maybe you don't need prescription drugs, maybe just counseling will help. Either way, a psychiatrist is the way to go. Good thinking on your part.

I hope that you feel better Elf... It is hard especially this time of year, but spring is just around the corner, I hope... We have been getting snow daily, but not a lot. I am hoping March is mild...

Take care friend.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/17/2022 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
Heyy all,
I'm going to take this as an opportunity to empathise with people dealing with similar situations, whilst taking the time to heal myself. I'm not sure if I'm struggling with depression but I have sought out further support from a counsellor as I feel like my mental health isn't what it should be.

I'm dealing with five main sources of anxiety, stress and just sheer sadness:

1) My "Mother."
I use the term very loosely as she is just pure evil in my eyes and has just shattered my self-esteem, self-confidence, my ability to love her and/or feel loved. I can no longer deal with her projecting her insecurities on me as she has done this throughout my entire life, and has neglected me when I had a cancer scare. She said, "If I had cancer, she does not want the responsibility." As far as I'm concerned as she gets older, I don't want the responsibility. Due to her unacceptable behaviour and my dad's inability to deal with her meltdowns, we no longer have a close relationship either and quite frankly I'm doing just fine without them but it's still in the back of my mind.

2) My "Ex-husband, Boyfriend, House Mate."
I don't know where I stood with this man, we were planning our wedding and in our culture we usually have 3 days. We only needed the first ceremony to allow us to live together, and living with him for 1 year is where it all went downhill. Again, he knew what my mum has put me through and he mirrored her behaviour, and he broke my self-esteem in the same way that she did and he also physically abused me in the same way that she did. I've spoken to the domestic abuse helpline, reported him to the police, blocked him and moved in to a flat. That nightmare is over, I hope. Again, I'm doing just fine without him but it's still in the back of my mind.

3) My Friend/Best Friend
We understand each other because we've faced similar obstacles and challenges, whilst building our career's. This is the only give and take relationship that I have in my life, and I just struggle with her meltdowns sometimes but I find this manageable because we're in the same boat. I'll continue to work/build this relationship because I feel like she's someone that we can both celebrate what we've achieved together.

4) My Research Career
Whilst building a career, you have to expect the ups and downs, but what I can't handle are the fixed term contracts and running out of funding. I am going to work really hard to become an established researcher but I just have to go through the motions but this is exhausting. Whilst, I'm passionate about research, it is quite difficult when your hit with the level of responsibility that comes with it but it'll be worth it. I keep pushing myself because I enjoy this type of work and it doesn't feel like work.

5) My family's attitude towards money.
It's sheer laziness, you can't keep asking for handouts. You have to be prepared to do the work to create a beautiful life for yourself and I am so tired of my family members sitting on their backsides thinking that I'll do it all for them. When I refuse, they resent me but guess what tough crap.

I feel like I want to just drop this baggage and move forward but it just doesn't feel like I can, as I feel lonely and I just wish my husband was actually the guy he pretended to be when we were dating. That is what I need but I don't think that I'll ever get that mutual unconditional love and support. I feel very deflated.
Posted 7/18/2022 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
Need to vent.

You have a lot on your plate. I'm sure you are not alone and others here are sure to talk to you.

Getting a councilor is the right thing to do. So many emotions through the years. Alot not doubt still to be processed.

Meditation may help you in this journey. I find it very helpful and relaxing.
Improves my focus.

Let us know how things are going for you.
Peace
Posted 7/27/2022 11:04 AM (GMT 0)
I've been processing everything, and receiving guidance from my counsellor and these are my outcomes:

1) I'm keeping my distance from my family, as I only text my dad and grandma and keep the conversations very short. If this becomes a problem, then I will change my number.

2) My ex is out of my life and I don't plan on giving him a second chance. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.

3) My best friend is going to continue with her research career but in a different team, which should minimise her meltdowns.

4) I have a career plan, which ensures financial security whilst allowing me to build my research career.

Thank you very much for your suggestion, as I will take it on board and give it a try. I've realised that I need to learn to say no and tell people to leave, as I can't continue to be a people pleaser.

Absolutely, no-one is worth the drama!
Posted 7/27/2022 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi NTV,

Sounds like you are on the right road to feeling better. You had to cut some people off, but you needed to.

Just keep moving forward and the rest will fall into place. I think you are doing a good job.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/27/2022 1:21 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it smile x
Posted 7/28/2022 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
Need to Vent:

You say, "I'm not sure if I'm struggling with depression but I have sought out further support from a counsellor as I feel like my mental health isn't what it should be."

As for depression, nimh.nih.gov says some signs are:

Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood; Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism;

Feelings of irritability, frustration, or restlessness; Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness: Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities: Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling "slowed down;" Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions

Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping

Do you think you might have that?

You say, "I'm dealing with five main sources of anxiety, stress and just sheer sadness" starting with "1) My "Mother" and note

"I use the term very loosely as she is just pure evil in my eyes and has just shattered my self-esteem, self-confidence, my ability to love her and/or feel loved. I can no longer deal with her projecting her insecurities on me as she has done this throughout my entire life, and has neglected me when I had a cancer scare. She said, "If I had cancer, she does not want the responsibility." As far as I'm concerned as she gets older, I don't want the responsibility."

My mother was the exact same way. She was abused as a child and that is the result of what happens. Do you know if your mother had a rough childhood or trauma or has some condition such as depression as you say you might? Did you perhaps inherit depression?

You sound like you've come up with the answers in your 7-27 account.
Posted 8/13/2022 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your help with this, and yes she did.

I appreciate that she's only human and I don't expect her to be perfect. When I try to help her, however, the response I get is, "I'm your mum, you just have to deal with it."

This isn't my burden, as I've worked on my mental health through my career, counselling, hiking and the gym. I have a very proactive approach to taking care of myself and I'm choosing happiness.

I've come to realise that I'm not depressed but I do have anxiety meeting new people outside of a professional setting. My lesson here is to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, take my time to get to know people and stop being a rescuer because I'm drowning. I don't want to hit rock bottom, and my next step is to push myself to thrive in a healthy manner.
Posted 8/13/2022 10:54 PM (GMT 0)
You do have a lot things going for you, as someone has mentioned about your having a lot on your plate.

As in lot going for you, you said, “Whilst, I'm passionate about research” and “I keep pushing myself because I enjoy this type of work and it doesn't feel like work.”

Plus, “I'm keeping my distance from my family; "My ex is out of my life and I don't plan on giving him a second chance. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person."

And, "My best friend is going to continue with her research career but in a different team, which should minimise her meltdowns” and “I have a career plan, which ensures financial security whilst allowing me to build my research career.”

I try to tell myself when I focus on my weaknesses too much that I have strong points, also, and I wouldn’t give away my strong points to cure my weak points.

Also, I didn’t mean to say because your mother may have had a rough childhood, that could be an excuse for her behavior. I was just trying to see if her perhaps having had a rough childhood could give you a chance to better understand why she behaves the way she does.

Again, my mother was abused as a child and I could see late in the game that in turn she abused her children.

You said, “I've come to realise that I'm not depressed but I do have anxiety meeting new people outside of a professional setting. My lesson here is to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, take my time to get to know people and stop being a rescuer because I'm drowning. I don't want to hit rock bottom, and my next step is to push myself to thrive in a healthy manner.”

I’m bipolar and have social anxiety. I can talk one on one, but not in a group.

Your wearing you heart on your sleeve, might mean you have deeper feelings than most people, which is a strong point. I have the same situation and in the long run I would choose that.

You say, “take my time to get to know people and stop being a rescuer because I'm drowning. I don't want to hit rock bottom, and my next step is to push myself to thrive in a healthy manner.”

I, too, tend to be a rescuer and am learning that they will pull you down before you will pull them up. Counselors are in good shape because in 30 minutes the session is over, not so on a private basis.

Pushing yourself to thrive in a healthier manner. I try to eat healthy, not eating canned food but rather fresh, trying to stay up to date on the virus, wearing an N95 mask that keeps particles from coming in on the side and not just the front of the mask. Taking walks.
Posted 8/14/2022 1:32 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your help and support, you sound like a fantastic person.

I know you didn't mean to excuse her behaviour, don't worry. I find that I can't deal with her in the same way that I used to, as I don't love her anymore and I just need to keep as much distance as possible.

You've mentioned your mum and having social anxiety due to bipolar disorder. Is there anything in particular on your mind? How are you keeping?

Also, you're definitely a rescuer. You've just jumped in and helped me, thank you smile
Posted 8/14/2022 8:01 PM (GMT 0)
Most people don’t ask, but you did. So you’re a rescuer, also.

While on the subject, I want to ask, what else can we do to help you? You’re so strong.

As for rescuer, I wasn’t always, until one day I went on a health board with a lot of my problems.
And I read the troubles of a woman and my heart went out to her and I started answering her situation and forgot about mine. My psychic energy reversed, from worrying about myself to worrying about her and it basically never changed.

And then there was this woman named Need_to_Vent, and I thought, no, actually that didn’t happen.

As far as being helped, I was at an Al Anon meeting, for friends of alcoholics, and when it came my turn to talk, I listed my troubles in a very sad tone of voice. This woman beside me waited patiently until I was finally through. And then she looked up at me and said in a very kind voice,

“Oh, you were having a Pity Party. We’ve all done that.”

Well, she was chastising me for being a 40 year old baby there in front of the group. But because of the nice way she said it, I let it get through to my psychic. What was happening was, my mother had turned me into a 40 year old baby who felt sorry for himself. And that woman changed 40 years of maltreatment into mush as I now adopted this woman ‘s point of view, not my mother’s. I say I was raised by Al-Anon.

I never felt sorry for myself again after that.

You said your mother tried to destroy you and take away your confidence. How did you escape that?

Another thing that helped me was reading a column on being positive. I didn’t know it but I was unconsciously negative, because of my mother and dad, you can understand that. How did you avoid negativity after being raised in that? Are you Wonder Woman who does research on the side?

So, the column on being positive said in effect, you don’t have to be positive all the time. Just in the short time you’re trying to solve a problem. It said go into a problem thinking you can solve it, which opens up your unconscious to try to solve it. When I did that it worked.

Again, how did you come to be positive in a negative household? I want to rescue you so bad I don't know what to do. Please help me.

You said, Is there anything in particular on your mind? How are you keeping?

Well, my son was giving me a difficult time and was having his good friend who was my next door neighbor give me a hard time. I sent my son and his wife a registered letter each, to make sure both read it, saying if it didn’t stop, there would be consequences. It stopped. Guillotine Love. I agree with you completely. I thought that was my idea.

There’s a song, “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” Let's sing along.

So, I ask you to annoy you, and to rescue you, “Is there anything in particular on your mind? How are you keeping?”
Posted 8/18/2022 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Need to vent
Sorry you dealing with so much. You are not alone.
TT is correct, takes courage to reach out.
This is why everyone looks elsewhere on the crowded subway instead of each other.
We would see, we are the same.
Peace
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