Im 20 years old and my life has been a lie

god where do i even start,i would say i have been raised in a very emasculated way,up until i would say 5 years ago i never had a conscious,i was only ever a drone for others to command (as i was fed the "be helpful to others" bullcrap)my dad was never around dont get me wrong i am grateful that he was working all day to provide for my family but the fact is that the was never really around that much to teach me anything.

in school everytime i would go out with my "friends" i would never feel like i belonged there,and since i was a mindless drone everyone would boss me around and i went along with it because thats all i knew,school came and it was more or less the same.except this time also mostly nobody wanted to play with me,

middle school i was bullied hard(i was insulted,made fun of.however the real centerpiece was that i was often kicked in the ass,smacked in the face,was the target of mostly everything)now that i remember it it was probably because i smelled like crap(was never taught hygiene,or anything really)and i really just went along with it because of the bullcrap i was taught (forgive your brothers,turn the other cheek etc)and so it was often that i cried at home when i was alone.i also befriended one of the other classmates that was also bullied(we became close friends but seperated in middle school,(never saw him again since)he was going to another school because of the bullying,i asked my parents the same but they didnt do it for some reason)(i also had another friend but we werent really close)it was another thing that i have been fed a lie(befriend those in who are "less fortunate") but in truth it made the bullying even worse.the bullying made me retreat even further into video games and ****, it got to the point where i was watching **** for 5+years every day through middle school to cope(i had 0friends after he left and i would spent my whole day after school on video games and ****.i wouldnt leave the house for weeks except for school) and even almost attempted suicide at 15yo.i always complained to the teachers and school officials but they never did anything because they didnt care(maybe thats why places like america have so many schoolshootings)(yet again another lie that i have been fed, which is that you should complain to "official authorities" the truth is that nobody cares really if you dont solve them yourself, then they wonder why school shootings happen) and i have also never been taught to stand up for myself either.everytime my alarm would go off for school in the morning i would get a panic attack and stress and trauma because i knew what was awaiting me at school

around high school was the time where i began to "wake up" lets say,it was here that i was kind of developing a "conscious" lets say.Minus the bullying it was more or less the same with nobody really being interested in me (i was also often the shortest so that didnt help,im way below average,even now when i go outside there are people 2/3rds my age but are towering over me,and this doesnt sound like alot but i very clearly remember now that i was often treated as a kid because of this height and i still am treated like so,most of you probably wont admit it but it is ingrained at a subconscious level)(another lie that i was taught was "Personality is all that matters")

all this has ended up here. a socially deficent 20 year old with no faith in himself typing this alone his room,i tried a couple of times to go out and socialise with other people,but whenever i do everyone seems devoid of any interest in even talking and sit on their ****ing phones(Gen Z-ers can relate) which makes me want to go out even less(i often feel like how the character Patrick Bateman felt at the end of the filmAmerican Psycho)

atleast since i've developed a conscious i have been eating very healthy for the past 4 years and i excercise muscles and do cardio often (i would say i have a better body than most people my age)and i also watch **** only once a month

im sorry if this post seems disordered and chaotic.What is a person supposed to do in my predicament?

getting by said...
Can you see a therapist? Therapy helps a lot. I am sorry for the way you grew up. But that is in the past, you need to focus on the present now. Get into therapy and see if it helps.

Hugs, Karen...

Hello karen i appreciate the suggestion but as it stands currently it is not an option.
and also how am i supposed to let go of the past?its not as if it is possible to undo 20 years of a miserable existence

Lynnwood said...
The first step is HOPE, which you have at least a seed of as evidenced by you reaching out here. Nurture that seed, grow that HOPE. Find a way to SURVIVE and OVERCOME.

I honestly have no idea how much of that i have left..every time i socialize with strangers i can clearly see how much of a facade everything is,how disinterested anyone is in making any real connection. It warps any sense of reality and makes me lose the last bit of hope i even have. And it's not a "Im too shy to approach/make new friends" its more like "Why should i even bother anymore when the end result is always the same"

Remember your 20.
Still young, in life, and somewhat experience.
Strangers...hmmm, my best mates were strangers.
Dont allow defeatism control your perception, as it muddies it and convaludes it.
Many have traversed a hard road, me as well, however i am always aware of others
Doing it tougher than me, moreover i am not deflecting your hardship,
However not all people are against you, it is just not the case, the case is that, it seems, with your
Hardships in life, let down by people and the system that your perception is first in the negative,
As ya been burned, however if you drop this process as it sems a default, your perception and experiences will improve greatly.
Keep strong, dont allow stinking thinking to continually manisfest, it serves zero purpose.

HT