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depression & anger destroying relathionships

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Posted 5/3/2006 8:00 AM (GMT 0)
Hi. I would really value an outsiders opinion on this. I have been coming off effexor since last summer, however since last october I have been gradually feeling more and more depressed. A few weeks ago I was put on a very important project at work and so far it has been so stressfull. I feel sick in my stomach every day, I am so worn out by the weekend I feel that I am cracking up. Recently, I have gone through these outbursts of extreme anger and then later feel so depressed I just cry uncontrolably untill I feel sick. The project I'm on is so disorganised, I wasn't sure what my role was, I have been pulled in all directions. I am so confused. A couple of weeks ago I became really angry about the situation and I told a work friend I was pissed off and that I would go home early because I was fumming (It was only half an hour earlier than normal), but I couldn't get out soon enough. But when I got home I was so distraught and depressed, which carried on untill the next morning. I couldn't face work so I took 2 days off.

I came back to work the following week and my friend has been blanking me since. At the end of the week I asked her what was wrong and she said she said she felt she didn't want to say the wrong thing to me incase I got angry again. So she is blanking me.

So I finally admitted to her that I had been depressed for a while and was finding it really hard to cope, that I have been overly sensitive and reactive, and that anger goes hand in hand with depression but it made her turn colder and she doesn't even want to take it in. She said she couldn't understand it, and that she can't put herself in other peoples shoes. I have been there for her when she had family issues so I find it quite harsh that she just cuts me off and acts like I am not even there. She then stated that I should be happy I'm on the project with all the challenges. I tried to explain to her that because of depression and extreme stress was affecting my concentration and performance which in turn makes it worse, she refused to register what I was saying and her answer was that maybe I should just go and have kids.

Again this week she's still blanking me. I really don't understand what's going on. I haven't done anything to her.

A while back she said that she wanted to be on my project because it had a very high profile and even though I had told her it was very disorganised and stressfull she would rather be on that that the project she was on. I really can't help thinking that she is resentful of me. She has never had to deal with depression and she is full of confidence so nothing phases her.

My boyfriend thinks that it is her problem that she can't handle it. My mum thinks she is jealous that I have been put on a project that she wants to be on. Regardless I can't help feeling like I am the one being punished.

What hurts the most is that when I feel this bad I feel that I'm a really evil person and then when a friend turns around and acts like this to you it exagerates thsi feeling.

Why do friends cut you off when they hear the word depression?
confused
Posted 5/3/2006 9:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nou,
Glad you found us here, a good place to be.
I think you should try to stand back from your job a little, take a breather, especially when you feel yourself getting angry, but preferably before, 5 minutes every hour if you can, you'll get more done than all those 5 min breaks together, Jobs with high stress will always do this to you, i had 11 years in some pretty big banks and probably shortened my life by 20,

Theres still a lot of people out there who have no idea what these conditions are all about, i wouldn't push your friend, best maybe just to do what you have to do, and leave it for a better moment to talk to her about it, i dont mean ignore her, but just let her be for the time being, if she is jealous then thats her problem, she may however just be feeling a little put out with your anger, and leaving her to battle for two days, if she is your friend she will get over it
Confidence or the appearance of, doesnt mean that she doesnt know about depression, confidence can sometimes be used as a cover, and this may well be why she is backing off too,

Hope this helps a little
Posted 5/3/2006 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi nou,  I just wanted to welcome you to healing well forum.  Glad to have you.  I agree with the advice that brownleaf has given.  Give it some thought, step back from the situation for a bit and re evaluate it from all angles.  See what you come up with.  Good luck
Posted 5/4/2006 6:10 AM (GMT 0)
Adding my welcome too. Anger is a very common reaction to depresssion. I left my depression untreated for too many years and am in the middle of divorce right now because of the scars my wife feels because of the anger. I never was physically abusive but the scars from verbal abuse are even harder to heal because they can't be seen. I tried to come off my anti d meds for a while and found that I was still depresssed and need the meds to help me cope with the challenges of life. I really hope you find relief soon. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Posted 5/4/2006 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nou71,

I rememeber efexcor helps with stress did you actually stop it?

with regards to your friend, if she's a real friend she would not do this to you, i told many of my friends my deppresion story and none of them turned cold , but they were concerned. i think she is jealus too.
Posted 5/6/2006 7:50 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Nou71,

Oh, how I can relate to your position.  As I see it, you have two problems, first is dealing personally with your depression / seeking appropriate medication, and second, how this depression is affecting your professional life.

Working with a reputable doctor to get you on the appropriate medication to mellow you out should be your main priority.  It sounds like you are possibly dealing with bipolar disorder rather than just depression, from your mention of all of your anger and frustration.  I would suggest talking with your doctor about taking Lithium for a while and see if it helps.

Secondly, you need to address your professional situation immediately, before your reputation is damaged beyond repair.  I would stop sharing any personal/emotional information with any of your co-workers, even if you have trusted them in the past.  When it comes to corporate politics, it's a dog eat dog world.  I would also immediately talk to your human resources personnel about taking a leave of absence or an extended vacation.  It is imperative that your superiors continue to have a high opinion of you, so if human resources is behind you, they can't take negative action toward you if your condition becomes apparent or your work suffers.  Basically, cover your ***.  I was in this position myself, and it isn't a pretty situation.

Try this out and see if you aren't back to feeling better soon.  Keep us updated.

Leigh Ann cool

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/6/2006 9:48:54 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/10/2006 8:11 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all your support. I have been busy with work and when I come home I have been decorating. May sound like hell but somehow decorating has been an escape.

I have a two week holiday booked for the end of June so I hope to hold on till then.

With the meds, well I have started taking an Effexor capsule every few days although I feel sick all the time.

I'm still in the process of contacting therapists, so haven't spoken to anyone yes which I hope will help.

As for my friend, this situation hasn't changed. I have partly given up with it. Makes it hard when we bump in to each other, it's just a very polite but an ice cold responce.

I can't understand the reason for such a bad depression. I have always had low confidence and low self-esteem. I wonder if it is because I have always felt like an outsider, and outcast. What I don't understand is that I feel so painfully lonely (even when I'm with my boyfriend), yet I can't find the energy to arrange to be with other friends, I also worry that I will lose it when we meet up, and then they regect me. I wonder if my depression is because of my lack social life and any outside interests, yet I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I also constantly assess whether my relathionship will last much longer, I wonder if my depression is because of my boyfriend. I just think everything is bad, then I have this fear in my stomach all the time that I could lose everything all in one go. My mum says that I should try to ride it through and that it will get better, but I am no so sure.

I also wonder if my past is back to haunt me. 2 years ago I has been with someone else for four years, we lived together for about 10 months. It was going pretty well. On the Wednesday he was talking about our next holiday, then on the Friday completley out of the blue he wanted to break up. In the space of 4 hours I had lost my boyfriend, a decent social life, my home and few weeks later my contract at work ended, so was then also jobless.
I managed to fight back slowly. I had a holiday with a (not too close) friend, then found this job, then started seeing this new guy. It has been 18 months now. But I wonder if the anger is still there. Because I have felt so low I have been thinking about my ex again recently. I wouldn't want to be with him, I reliase now that there were issues but didn't want to face then at the time. My boyfriend now is really sweet and pretty stable which I think is a good thing for me, although he doesn't understand how to deal with the depression. I fell like I have only my mum at the moment, yet I am terrified I will lose her. A friends mum is dying of cancer and maybe that is making me stress more.

nou
Posted 5/10/2006 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nou,
Have you discussed talked about your past relationship and how you felt with your present boyfriend, i think maybe there is a bit of an anticipation that what happened in the last relationship is going to happen with this Man, probably this more than anger being the issue,
we all need a few people who we can trust with everything, so talking about this stuff with a couple of your other friends who you sense as worth the trust, you'll know them, because they won't divulge others secrets or put others down, thats a pretty good sign they will listen and keep what you say to themselves, this will bring these people a little closer to your heart, and lessen the need to anticipate the past

If you are not getting out socially, at least do some walking in the park, tthe mind gets bored quickly in the same environments, so make an effort to do things that will stimulate, do something you havent done in a while, or something new, take up tai Chi, anything like this
Posted 5/12/2006 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi brownleaf,

I have started to do more excersise with swimming and cycling, so I was hoping that would lift my spirits.

I talked about my issues about my past boyfrined with the new one more at the beginning of the relationship. It hasn't come up for a while. I think there are so many issues in my head right now I don't think I could rock the boat.

As far as socialising goes, I have done some socialising with people at work and I have recently arranged to meet with some friends outside work. However I find it really painful to make contact with friends at the moment, I just question why would they want to see me. Why would anyone want anything to do with me. I have always felt like an outsider. I had read about social outcasts and it's very common for social outcasts to suffer from deperssion. Although most people would think I was a socialy confident and outgoing person. I think that is why I have been so down again recently. Because this incidence with the friend from work blanking me makes me assess myself and all my relathionships. Why do relathionships go wrong. When I want to get to know people and try to make friends the regection just exagerates the bad feelings I have about myself. I try to assess what makes some people attract so many friends and some people don't. Some really horrible people I have met seam to have a ton of friends.

nou 

Posted 5/13/2006 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
Ho Nou.
No matter what you experience there is something for you to learn, i use to be shy, and somewhat different in my thinking to others, and i'd get upset because of sometimes getting a rejection, even if it was just me thinking that,
Now i try to be upfront with others, i don't throw the whole book at them, but short and sweet, i say what i feel, and if they dont like it, then so be it, i feel and think things as everyone does about rejection etc, but i no longer respond to it, i try to find the 1 person in 10 that will listen, like me and allow me to like them, but you got to open up, listen carefully and add attention to others, who you decide are worth your attention, you will get it back if you find the right ones, be careful you are not buying into the im not good enough thing, no harm in feeling/thinking it, but you have to challenge it
theres a song with a name "can't get what you want, until you know what you want" define what you want in your social and romantic life
and most important be yourself, and just BE,
Posted 5/13/2006 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hi nou,  I agree completely with brownleaf.  Ya know I used to be one of those people that had many "friends" and most likely to others who were seeing it second hand thought it was being popular or great to have so many.  But really truth is I look back and think of myself as a sheep...dont laugh at me now.  You cant and dont form real personal lasting relationships when you hang out in large groups.  And studies show that the average person has exactly 2 good friends that they confided in and that is pretty well it.  I know useless stuff like that as I am studying for my masters in psychology.  It is always your discretion if you want to form friendships with fellow co-workers but be aware should pettiness and office strife come into the picture.  As it usually will.  Dont worry so much about what other people have, their life may not be as great as they make it out to be.  Take care ~ Elisha

Posted 5/15/2006 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
Els and brownleaf, thanks for your reply.

I can be quite open to things generally. I can be upfront but not in a full on way.
I have had friends that confided in me and then I felt safe enough to confide in them, but then occasionally they have used that personal information against me at some point. Maybe I'm not very good at judging people. I have now become so cynical about friendships. I have discovered that there are friends who only want to know you when you are up-beat and won't bother with you when you hit a bad patch; there are friends that only want to see you down so they have one over on you, and when you improve they hate you for it. I think it is partly human nature that people don't like to see you change, incase it threatens them.

I do agree about not being able to get to know people properly in groups. I haven't always been good in groups. Seams all very fake, although it is sometimes nessessary to be around a group talking small talk, which i only can manage on occasions and when I am feeling well and relaxed in the mind.

Maybe it is paranoia but the ex-friend at work may have been saying things to others that we are both chatty to, and I worry that they now are ignoring me. What is so annoying is that I haven't said a word so if she has said something bad about me I won't be able to defend myself.

I know it isn't a good idea to mix work with pleasure but find it really important to have some people at work that I can talk to, I won't mention the dark side or anything but it's good to have a giggle and moan about things.

nou
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