Depression or what??? I don't know...

I have always been somewhat quick tempered... But lately it has been pretty extreme. I have been under a ton of pressure and I know that before I was diagnosed with Crohns that I could have dealt with it easily. With the time I spend fighting my disease and trying to find the right mix of medications to make me feel okay I feel that the other things are getting pushed to the side. I have been working hard at my job, going to grad school for an MBA to get out of my job, I own a house, just bought a new car, I am putting my wife through her masters degree. I am only 26 and I have been supporting a household for four years on my own. Not to mention that I have pretty severe crohns disease. Sometimes I feel like I am going to snap.

I get angry quickly at work. Very quickly. It probably doesnt help that my boss is a jerk and has tried to get me to leave- being a federal employee he cannot fire me because of my illness or abscences. But he has tried getting me to leave on my own, and has made some pretty lame attempts. He actually tried to get me to take a 50% pay cut after my surgery and told me that they might have to 'reassign me to something worse' - I just wish I had a tape recorder at the time.

I have had violent thoughts, a lot of them lately. Not to do violence to myself, but to others. I have had these in past mind you and have never acted on them. I am starting to consider it though. Sometimes I get crazy mad and smash things to get it out of my system and then I will have a calm or down feeling for a while.

I have also thought about ruining my bosses life. He has made me feel like such crap in the past two years that I think I should take my frustration out on him. He has been less than supportive when it comes to my illness and it drives me nuts that some pile of crap like him can have his health and not me.

I have done the talk therapy thing before, it doesn't work when you know you are justified in your anger. I am just wondering if this is something that is common in depression, or is it something more serious? I don't want to do something that will put me in jail or a nuthouse. My wife is a psychologist in the making. She knows nothing about this because I manage to hide most of it from her. I don't want my wife and my family to think I am crazy.

If any of you have this sort of problem could you talk to me about it. I need advice on what I should do.

 

Ive been trying to think of exactly how to respond to that Randy. I appreciate the advice, I just don't think that is me.

I am not so sure that my anger isn't justified. I am just worried about it getting out of control. My situation at work really sucks and I am stuck because I have to have the job for health insurance. You see, I get these episodes of extreme anger that is directed at a person or purpose. I have a very short fuse and absolutely no tolerance for BS. I am staying home from work this week, I think it would be best. I am going to ask my doctor about the anger issue.

I am really worried that it might be more than just anger or depression. It is scary when I get mad these days. I freak out my co-workers and most people in the general area I think. I don't want to have a psychotic episode and strangle someone that gets on my nerves. Being a former military marksman who is also proficient in Ju-jitsu and likes to study medieval weaponry makes me a little more dangerous than the average joe too.  I need something to mellow me out before I can go back to my job.

My home life is cool. My wife is great and we rarely ever have an argument, unless it is over who gets the remote! My friends know I have a temper and stuff, but they rarely see any of 'that' guy. I keep it under wraps pretty well for friends and family. When I get into a fight with a family member I usually just 'shut down' - the anger never really comes out on them, which is a good thing.

Anyways, thanks for your input. If you still think your situation is the same as mine let me know. I would appreciate any other opinions on this before I get to see my doctor.

Thanks

Hi
look I know little about this so feel free to reject what I say

I think you are right to be concerned. However the fact that your friends and family don't see your anger means you still have control of it. Life has delt you a bad hand, your boss is a crap but you don't have to respond in a way that brings you down to his level. I don't know if this would work but I was told that when you have to deal with somone who be-littles you, picture them in a rediculus situation like having to have the loo seat surgically removed because they sat on wet glue. If you picture it in advance it's easy to call up when you need it. but be careful not to laugh in their face as that could cause other problems.

All the best.

D, you need to print out your first two posts on this thread and do two things with them. First, allow your wife to read them. You need a support system that knows EXACTLY what is going on in your head. She loves you and from what you have said about her, will want to help you with this. She undoubtedly has noticed a change in your moods and behavior. She will not think you are crazy, she will be concerned for the man she loves and want to support you however you need her to.

Second, take the print out to your doctor and have him/her read them. You probably need medication, perhaps just temporarily, to cope with all the wide range of emotions you are having. There is no shame in admitting what you have told us, it will get you on the path to getting help. The absolutely worse thing you could do is NOT ask for help. The situation at work sounds horrible and you could really jeoparodize your employment now and in the future if you do snap.

Please know that I care about you. I have seen a big difference in your posts in the past year. You have struggled with lots of issues. It is not cowardly or unmanly to ask for help with this. Please reach out...--Ides