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Posted 5/25/2006 10:02 PM (GMT 0)
hey, im new here, but i joined because i dont know what else to do. the short version of my story is this. i'v moved around all my life and never had friends, but about a year ago i moved to my current home. i made what i thought were great friends, and was closer to my family, and everything was fine. not long after that, my grandfather died, my dad and i had a huge fight because of his alcohalism and stopped talking, all my grades dropped, and my mom got diagnosed with a condition that acts like a tumor that could cause her to go blind. she lost her job, and we had to move in with friends of hers, 3 hours away from our home, family, and my friends. the family we were staying with turned out to be phsyco's, not even going to get into it but it was bad, so we moved back home. i thought everything would be great,  but i was wrong. the ppl who were my friends, all stopped hanging around with me because i didnt sleep around, or smoke pot, or the things that they did. also they began to mess with me because im a christian. most ppl would think that i should just make new friends, but i have S.A.D, which makes it horrible for me when i try to make friends so i began to lie about things, so that they would hang out with me more. i also began doing things that i didnt feel like were right in order to fit in. well after a while, i got found out, and everything went downhill from there. i'v been harrased, and torchered by these ppl. they put horrible hurtful things about me on there myspace page, for all the world to see. i dropped out of school and began homeschooling thinking that that would solve everything, but it didnt. my whole life has been turned upside down. im so lonely, but i live in a small town and im afraid to even leave the house. it wouldnt be so bad if it was just typical teenage meaness, but the fact that i caused it to happen is ripping me apart. i cant concentrate on anything, and am having thoughts of suicide. i lay in bed at night for hours, trying to sleep, but once im asleep i have horrible nightmares, about my dad, or school, or whatever, and then i cant seem out of bed most mornings. i want so badly to cry, but i cant. i feel like nothings real, like im watching myself from outside of my body, like im dreaming. i cant remember things like what i ate for breakfast, or what day it is. iv lost almost all of my apitite, and eat only when it becomes painful not to. i find myself staring out the window constantly, not knowing why, or rocking back and forth without even realizing it. im afraid to go out to eat with my family, or to be there when my brother or sister have a concert or a school play. my mom is sick, but now shes working from 6 am till 7pm, and i have had to basically raise my brother and sister. i feel guilty because ever since iv hit this slump, i cant keep myself together enough to take care of them. im obsessing over what happened. it just keeps running through my head again and again and again, i cant sleep, or relax at all unless i take a vollum. iv lost almost 20 pounds in the past month without trying, but told everyone that i have been trying to, to keep them from worrying. but now im at the end of my rope. i dont know if this is something that will pass, or something that i should see someone about. if anyone can help, please do. k, so it wasnt so short, but thank you to anyone who was willing to listen.
Posted 5/26/2006 1:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Alyx
You sound like youre having a rough time of things, i just want to say that you are you, independent of what anyone else thinks or says, there will always be times in life when others will say and do things that hurt you or embarrass you, and make you feel worthless, but the fact is you are young and in a few years you will understand that you have more strength than all those people, You say you are Christian, then Didnt Jesus go through something very similar, so have faith in that,

What you have done, is done, you can't change that, but you can see it as something you have learnt from, you can see it as a marker that shifted your focus and your path in life towards what it is that you were meant to be, not something to be ashamed about,
Already you have done somethiong your so called friends have shown themselves incapable of, that is to realise that, the road you were traveling wasn't the right one for you, so while they are all patting each other on the back, keeping in the clique, they are have not learnt nothing and you can have faith that they will one day pay a price for that.

Why not join a church group, and find some new friends there, let yourself just be, whatever comes will be, find something you can place your passion into, with all your heart so that in any moment you feel bad, you will have a place to go where you will be safe, that could be painting, poetry, learning an music instrument, bet if you did this, and went out and sat in the park while doing any of these things, someone would stop and talk, and show you just how easy it is to make friends that fill you with happiness.

the more about you, you learn, the more people will come to you, sometimes bad things have to happen to make room for the good to happen, try to be ready for that good, because it will come
Posted 5/26/2006 9:11 AM (GMT 0)
Alexandra, You are dealing with alot right now and you have to give yourself the credit you deserve for being able to take care of your younger syblings. I agree with brownleaf, that you have accomplished something your other peers have not. And that is to be true to yourself and not do whatever it takes to fit in.That is a great thing for someone so young. Sure you have made mistakes, but thats how we learn. I also agree with atedogs,suicide is not the answer to your problems. You have your whole life ahead of you and would'nt you like to see what it holds in store for you? I also had problems in highschool and felt alot like you do know. I dropped out of school when I was 16 because of them. I have also felt like you do more than once in you life. I couldn't eat or sleep and thoght I was losing my mind. But it is not true. You have been through alot and that can bring on the symptoms you are having. I want you to know there is help out there for you with meds and/or counseling that will make you feel like yourself agin. Don't give up, you have a good support system here that will help you as well.I'm sorry for such a long post, I ususally don't give such a long response. But you reminded me so much of myself at your age I just wanted to let you know I care! I wish you all the best in your life. I am on chat every night from about 10:00 to real late so if you would like to private chat I would be more than willing to do that. Hang in there hun, you will be ok. Take Care!

~Wanda~
Posted 5/28/2006 10:54 PM (GMT 0)

Alexandra,

It sounds like you have been going through some tough times for awhile now.  I know it can be really rough being a teenager.  I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends starting when I was 13.  Looking back, I realize that it is part of those years.  People are learning how to have mature relationships with others.  Unfortunately, a lot of times, they choose the people who only enbody the things that are important to them right at the immediate present.  So a lot of times, relationship choices are about what you look like, what you wear, what you do, even what your family is like.  Sometimes, these things really are important; but usually they are not as important as these teenagers think they are.  They are still learning.

You are allowed to make mistakes; it is part of the learning process.  I am just very concerned when I read your post.  I think most teenagers struggle with depression some; but then there are those of us who because of our genetic makeup, have serious problems.  From what I read in your post, I think you fall into those that have serious problems.

You need to get help now.  You don't say whether you have some source of insurance, but most likely, there is some place free you could get help too.  You also don't say whether you have talked to your mom about your problems.  I know she has problems too; but from my past experience with my parents, I would highly recommend you talk to her.  I know it is hard; there are dozens of thoughts in your mind telling you not to for various reasons.  However, because your mom is an adult, she may be aware of resources that you are not aware of or eligible for.

The depression you are struggling with sounds like a problem that you will continue to struggle with.  Therefore, it is very important for you to get help.  You can even get anti-depressant medication prescriptions from regular doctors.  I think you would benefit greatly from talking to a therapist or another trained professional about your problems.  You can not deal with this alone, and you are not supposed too.

I know what it is like to want to sleep all the time, not feel like eating, and to think about suicide.  YOU are an important person, and you are on the earth for a reason.  There are so many things that you can be a part of that will change how you feel. 

I have been dealing with some degree of depression since I was a small child.  It got worse as I got older.  In the last several years, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to get really depressed at least several times a month.  Then, through talking to my therapist, I was referred to a psychiatrist that does ECT.

You must have failed on at least several anti-depressant medications in order to be considered.  However, it is always hope at the end of the road.  I never thought that I would feel this good.  But the ECT has changed my brain chemistry and I am a much happier person.  I want to add that modern ECT is very different than that of the 50's and 60's.  You are given anesthesia and a muscle relaxant before you receive a treatment.  You don't remember the treatment when you wake up.

Alexandra,

Please continue to post to let us know what's going on.  We care so much about you.

Lots of love,

Theresa

Posted 5/29/2006 6:25 AM (GMT 0)
smurf  Hi Alexandra,

It sounds as if the others here have given good advice. I am new myself to this site but pretty much ran through every treatment possible. I am a licensed health care practitioner unable to practice because of ongoing physical symptoms and now depressive as well because of lack of treatment.

All I can say is that every single person is different in background, genetics and personality. Mine started with a predisposition to stress and mono at 23 yrs., now 33 and have been offered to have opportunities in all artistic areas as well. However, I can't even attempt any of these due to infection, nervous disorders and attached depression. At your age, you've taken on a lot and seems there are big mental issues you are carrying and immediate help is a good idea. In fact, it seems you are the only one in your group that's strong enough to handle it.

You grow so much at the age you are at right now that you would be wise to get as much sorted out as possible. It is not a sign of weakness but courage in yourself -forget others and tell yourself everyday and night that I'm taking steps one at a time and it will soon be over. People just don't understand what they don't know especially completely healthy teens with no challenges. I have been isolated as well and it takes strength beyond what you think you are capable of. I would try combo therapy, both mental, dietary and alternative health care like a JMT, NSA type treatment which tend to release emotions like nobody's business. Most of all-focus-mind in the present, not past or future, step at a time but know these are positive steps. More than likely, in a few years the rest of your life ends up much better than it began even if it's hard to believe. In the meantime do things you love or better yet try something new but don't give in as I have had thoughts like yours as well. As my illness forced me out of school once, I have suffered nervous breakdowns but also found hidden talents in music, painting, acting(when I feel better). Feel free to chat or get insight at any time.

Stay in the moment,

Ram72 
Posted 5/29/2006 12:22 PM (GMT 0)
Alyxandra,

I would take the advice of Hope3/Wanda regarding chat. You are alone much of the time with young children to look after and that is never easy even when they are your own. You need someone to talk to and chat could be easier because you do not have to see the person.

Sea 2

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