| Hello all! I'm triomama or aka "Rae". I am a stay at home mother of three. My oldest son is 4, my daughter is 2 and my littlest one, a boy, is 5 months old. The youngest one has had a rough start in life since he was born with a rare disease called Hirschsprung's Disease. He has had two surgeries to fix this nonlifethreatening disease and the outlook is positive. However I believe I'm now suffering the "fallout" from my happenings in the past year.
While pregnant I found out my husband was cheating on me and had been for the past 2 years. The female (she doesn't deserve to be called a lady IMHO) called me to tell me of her dealings with my husband over the past two years. She told me how she had gotten pregnant and aborted her child because of me, my husband being the one that drove her to the clinic
She threatend to burn my house down and "hoped my kids weren't in it". She threatend to kill my husband too. My husband and I stayed together to try to work things out. One month later he goes to the Southern U.S for hurricane Katrina relief work and stays gone for 3 months...this was mutually agreed on. While he was gone I slept with a shotgun next to the bed. I put my bed in the kids room so I could keep an eye on them at night. The dogs slept in the house too.
Two weeks after he came back our son was born. He was in NICU for 10 days and now, two surgeries later he is doing better. The longterm outlook is good.
I get anxiety attacks when we have to go...I always dread going. I get short of breath, my heart races and beats irregular. I get what I call "tunnel hearing", my palms sweat and I feel like I can't deal.
I am very protective over my kids now, more so than before.
I've had OCD, anxiety, PPD, in the past and just kinda delt with it. I went to see my OB/GYN a month ago and she told me that she thought I would "benefit greatly" from some antidepressants BUT I would have to stop breastfeeding. That is just not an option for me right now....given all that my son has been through. If I did I know for sure it would only make me feel worse about myself than I already do. I feel so helpless, sad, worried, lost, overwhelmed, ashamed...sometimes I just want to hide. Nobody, not even my husband, realizes just how bad I feel because I do a really good job hiding it....anyone else hide theirs too? I hope nobody minds but I'm going to cross post this in the depression forum too. I know I suffer from that as well. I'm just trying to be the best person I can, somedays are better than others. Is it part of anxiety to have "off" days?
Rae
crossposted, I put this on the anxiety forum too. |