i really need someone to talk to...

Hi irishangl,  Welcome to healing well forum, we are happy to have you but sorry it is under these reasons.  It sounds as if you have so much going on in your life and have for quite some time.  Have you thought about or considered thearpy or counseling?  I think this would be a good idea under these cirsumstances.  Suicide is never the answer nor is running away from your problems.  It seems that your a strong women who has basically had to raise herself, your kids and manage a household.  That is quite a feat and not many can do that...I know I couldnt.  First thing you do need to do is get on the phone to the doctor who has prescribed those antidepressants and notify them of what is going on and how your feeling.  It sounds as if the dose needs to be adjusted or you need to be switched to something else altogether.  Then you start to find some counseling for yourself and later on down the line, hopefully your family.  We are always here if you need someone to talk to or just to vent.  Take care

Welcome, Irishangl!
Suicide, as Els said, is NEVER the answer. No matter what you may be feeling right now, if you were to do that, your kids (and hubby of course) would be affected by it for the rest of their lives. That is not a legacy that you want to leave them, is it? You love them too much to do that to them! Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That may sound cliche', but it's so true! Els gave you excellent advice! You need to talk to your doctor and need to be in therapy. You've had tremendous responsibility all your life and you should pat yourself on the back because you've succeeded despite the obstacles that were before you! Anything in life is always going to be challenging and we all need time to retreat and recoup sometimes. Perhaps you could take a day all to yourself. Have a long hot bath. Read that book you've always wanted to. Or whatever you find relaxing and enjoyable. Your husband is like many men. When they don't know what to do or don't understand, they withdraw and retreat! That sounds mean of me to say, but it's true! LOL! I've never been married, but I remember my dear dad and how he reacted when I started suffering with anxiety and depression! He just stood in the hallway, looking into my bedroom, with a puzzled helpless look on his face, as mom tried to console me! When he saw that he couldn't "help", he retreated to his room and read his newspaper and watched the football game! I know he cared though, he just was so clueless! Ignore that elephant in the room and maybe it will go away eventually! I can laugh about it now, but at the time, it was very difficult. Please talk to your doctor. If you don't have a psychiatrist, I personally recommend you do, cuz they're more cogzinant of mental health issues than the family doctor.
Take care and hang in there! It WILL get better!
janet

Irish,
Even if your mom won't go to therspy with you, go anyhow please. My mom would never go with me and it would've really helped more, but at least it helped some.
janet

I know how med changes work.  I first started on Prozac but after 5 months I needed a change.  My therapist changed me to Wellbutrin XL and so far for taking it for a month it has helped me a lot.  I think a med change is a good idea but the medicine isnt what makes you better it just helps you be able to get yourself better. 

oh my gosh... i meant i work those hours every 2 weeks! my typing is the pits!

Hi, Irish!
I don't have kids either, BUT...!!!! LOL!!! I am going to give advice anyway, because I do know something about kids, having been raised with a younger sister, a young cousin for several years, and 3 nieces around all the time. My sister used to get in my mom's face, with an "I-dare-you-to-hit-me" look in her eye...her jaw would jut out. My mom WOULD hit my sister. Frankly, my sister deserved a good swat!!! No child has the right to disrespect their parents that way. Now I'm not saying YOU should hit YOUR kids-some folks are totally anti-spanking. But really, spanking isn't necessarily the best way to deal with these sort of situations anyhow. Kids NEED discipline, but it must be consistent to be effective. That also means that you and your husband have to work together, as this is a "group project"! Always let your "yes" mean "yes" and your "no' mean "no"---for example, your child asks if he/she can go to the movies. You tell them that they can IF they do their chores first. If they do their chores, then let your yes mean yes-they can go. But if they don't do their chores, you have to stand your ground and not let them go to the movies, no matter how much they whine, cry, scream, etc. That is letting your no mean no! You and your husband have to cooperate and not let the kids play one of you against the other. If one parent has said "no", then the other must back up the other. This is part of being consistent. If you threaten them with restrictions or other consequences for disobedience, but then don't follow thru, they will never take you seriously. If you only carry out your "threats" half the time, you are sending mixed messages and it's confusing to the child. Every child has things that they would hate to have restricted, whether it's tv, phone, video games, etc. If part of the discipline is being sent to their room, don't let it become a "reward" by them having access to the things they like to do anyway! If a kid threatens "I'll call 911 and tell them that you're abusing me!", then you must call their bluff and say something like, "Go ahead. But you need to be aware that if they come and get you, you will likely be placed in a foster home and there's no telling what types of people will be over you then." If you let the kids control YOU, thru tears, whining, threats, or anything else, you are actually abdicating your parenting to them. Always treat children with respect and inderstand that part of being respectful to the children is teaching them to be respectful to you and others. You have to set the example. I know that parenting is a difficult job and there's no such thing as a perfect parent. All anyone can do is to do their best. And remember that sometimes, love has to be "tough". Just be sure that they know that you love them, even when you have to discipline them.
I hope this helps and all goes well for you. Keep us posted! :)
janet

Hi everyone,

Today was a good day... mine and my hubbys' 14th anniversary! We were both home with the kids today and spent time outside gardening and enjoying the warm sun. I am back to work tomorrow morning. My best friend and I chatted last night and I told her how things were going (she's a nurse). She strongly reccomended my seeing a psychiatrist as well. I've got another appointment to see my family Dr on the 25th. I don't know whether he will increase my Paxil or try an add-on drug as he referred to it. I want to stay away from the addictive meds at all cost. My daughter and I have been getting along a bit better the past couple of days.
There is still very little to no respect there but I'm trying very hard to make things work between us. If she'd only meet me half way. being 12 was hard when I was at that age... hormones raging and mood swings galore but I grew up in a different time. I listened to my elders.
lexi: I've always believed that everything happens for a reason.. that belief has gotten me through alot of bad times. Thank you for reminding me of that....:)
I know I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself.. who I really am... in being a Mother, a wife and just living in general for everyone else first. We all do that I know. You know, I understand why you see many retired men and women driving beautiful sports cars and living the high life. It's not that they're trying to impress everyone else. Their kids are all grown up and out of the house and many of the stresses they've carried on their shoulders for years aren't there any more... they're finally free to find themselves again!!
Thanks for letting me vent once again.. hope you all had a great day.