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Depressed partner - what can I do to help

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Posted 7/11/2006 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
sorry to intrude but I don't know where to go or how to help.  She went to our primary care doc yesterday who didn't seem to do anything.  Last week, she was enraged with me and the kids (to the point of great concern by me).  Kept falling asleep.  Talked about leaving us all in  a punishing sort of way.  This week, she is less enraged but still easily angered.  Still exhausted.  Talks about leaving but so that the children aren't exposed to her anger.  She is under an endocrinologist's care for hypothyroid but the endo says that her levels are fine.

If primary doc says she's fine and endo says she's fine, why can't we get anyone to understand that she's NOT fine.  After seeing primary doc, she's given up on looking for help. 

I work and she says home iwth the kids.  Any guidance would be so appreciated.  I feel that I can't talk to anyone about this because I dont' want to feel as though I'm talking about her behind her back but I don't know what to do.  I need to protect my kids as well as support my partner and I don't know how to do both.

TIA

rf123

Posted 7/12/2006 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, My prayers are with you at this time, but your partner seemed to know something is not right. If possible, could you go back to the doctor and explain what you and the kids are experiencing, and ask for a referral. Would your partner be willing to go for counseling, you may have to do the research your self, looking for low cost or free service.

You may also have to put the children in counseling. As much as we try to explain to children whats going on, somewhere out of our blindness for love we miss something or can't find the words so our children can understand exactly whats going on.

As my friend once passed this advice on to me, I am passing it on to you. Try everything, you think is reasonable, cry when you need to and find someone who you can talk to. A support group or someone who has or is in the same situation.

Keep writing, I find it helpful.
Posted 7/12/2006 7:34 AM (GMT 0)
just found this sight and was reading thru...is she on any meds? i have had similar reactions to welbutrin..other antidepressants.  i don't even remember anything, but i am mean, vocally, irrational, and seem to verbaly attack the ones i care about the most.... this has never happened before to me.....i am usually a very non-assertive person... this is the only thing i can think could be a cause for me....
Posted 7/12/2006 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi rf123, Welcome to Healing Well forum.  There can be many, many things going on with her.  She certainly knows there is something not right physically and emotionally isn’t handling that well either.  I would discuss this with the doctors; perhaps find a psychiatrist who can consult also. I went through something similar last summer.  I have MS and have been diagnosed for 5 yrs.  Well, last June I started to feel off, hard to really explain but I knew something wasn’t right.  I keep going to the doctor with pain and fatigue and all the tests he kept running would come back fine.  The last day of August, I ended up passing out in the middle of my living room floor; luckily my mom was stopping by that day before work and found me.  I was admitted to hospital with low heart rate in the 20's and very low blood pressure.  Finally, I ended up being diagnosed with an autonomic disorder that had caused all of that.  But my point is that during that whole summer, when the doc wasn’t finding what the problem was, I was already taking 200mg of Zoloft for depression and it wasn’t helping anymore.  I felt like hurting myself, I cried all the time, even at work and I was extremely depressed.  My primary set me up with a Psychiatrist who changed my meds and I got to feeling better. Please do let us know how she is doing...Take care
Posted 7/13/2006 9:10 AM (GMT 0)
A few things here.....

Has this person always displayed signs of a Mood Disorder, did this happen all of a sudden? Were there symptoms in her youth? How long have you known her, have you seen a change in her symptoms; has she been open about displaying her moods or has she been masking them and to what degree? (that is the most common thing for people to do)

Maybe i'm simply up too late at the moment, but i'm not even sure how i'd diagnose this person. I can think of different ones that fit what i've read.

The best thing you can do right now, and the smartest, is to educate yourself on Mood Disorders. Don't just take someone's words at face value -ask people where they get their info from, don't be shy. Information is only as good as it's source. I've been studying this stuff for decades, you'd be surprised how many doctors really don't know what they're talking about.
Remember this: doctors will treat you (and view you) according to their training. I.e., if you see a psychiatrist they'll want you to take meds, if you see a psychologist they'll want you to start therapy. That's another reason that knowledge will be your most valuable tool.
A thyroid imbalance can mimic the symptoms of Clinical Depression.
Depression can manifest as anger; i hate when that happens 'cause the anger feels....larger than me, like more than i can contain. Also irritability.

I knew someone going thru Manic-Depression and Menopause, oh that got pretty wild.

It's far better for (the sake of) children to understand what's going on around them, than to be excluded. Basicly, anything that's out of the "ordinary" you want them able to see it as a normal, everyday part of their world. Because for them, that's exactly what it is. Being excluded, going thru 'abnormal' events -this is when children stress. I'm afflicted with migraines. Now i can tell my little girl "daddy's sick" and then make her feel worried or, gather up toys and books and food and drink -basicly whatever she might need so i don't have to keep getting up. Migraines make my left eyelid droop, so there's an easy physical thing i can show her: so when dad's eye looks like this, we're going to do a picnic playland, spread a blanket on the floor, etc. The point is: i have to be on the ground and move as little as possible, but i can make a way for this to fit into her world. Yes it's different, i'm just making a paralell. I was lucky, 'cause i majored in Child Development, i worked at pre-schools. And from my own systemic abuse i knew what to do and what not to do.

I didn't mean to talk so much. One last thing, if you 2 decide on taking psych meds, you need a basic understanding brain biochemistry. 'Cause there's a lot of frustration and disappointment you can avoid. That's true for everybody. And it's not as intimidating as it sounds.
If you wish, feel free to email me about any of this stuff.

Poet
Posted 7/13/2006 2:51 PM (GMT 0)

Hi rf123,

I think that you've had some good advise so far.  Especially from poetdowns.  It's hard for us to help her, when we are not in direct contact with her. BUT... you are here and we can help you.  I can understand why you feel you are 'talking about her behind her back'.  It may help you to think that you are really helping yourself.  Understanding what is happening may help you bear it or 'manage' things better.

Poetdowns had 2 points I felt were especially good.

1. Dr's will treat her according to their training.  You will need to train yourself in all areas.  A psychiatrist WILL want to medicate her, a psychologist WILL want her in therapy, GP's may send her to other specialists and so on.  You may find she needs to be in therapy and on medication.  Then you'll need to research the medication etc.  Learn all you can so you understand her.  BEWARE: Do not analyse her or tell her what to do.  She will not appreciate it.

2. It's better for children to understand what's going on around them.  Find a way to help her communicate in a way they'll understand... a code. 

You may need to find a way to communicate her degree of anger to them. 'Mummy's as angry as a grape' , 'Mummy's as angry as a grapefruit' or 'Mummy's as angry as a watermelon... you better leave.'

Teach her to postpone activities that she can't deal with. Your children will prefer 'I'm really angry right now, I'll read you a book after dinner.'  to 'I SAID, GO AWAY' (note:they will prefer a time so they know it will happen) and they'll understand if mummy has a timeout.     

If there are any behaviours in your children that can be redirected that will help.  For example 'whining' it is not naughty or bad but, it IS annoying.  If this is something that sets her off, it may help to tell your child, 'Can you hear how I'm talking?  You ask like me and then we'll see'  

I would add to this good advise by saying. 

1. Help her find passion - with you or some other activity.  Seperate her from the house and the children.  Take her away for 2 nights.  Do not bother with one night, the first day will be spent getting there and then you'll wake up thinking about getting home.  Leave early the first day take your time.  You'll feel like you've been gone for a week and you'll meet the person you fell in love with.  You may say that you can't afford it, but trust me, it'll be more expensive if she does leaves you. 

Help her rekindle a lost passion.  Find out the things she loved to do in high school, find out things she always wanted to try, who did she want to be?   

I wish you the best of luck and I'd love to hear back from you.  When you apologized for intruding you were mistaken.  There was no intrusion.  You have begun a conversation and in any conversation questions, disagreements and/or updates are welcomed... even hoped for. 

Good luck

P.S how many and how old are your children?

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