Psychologist Appointment

I started a blog, and that helps.  My friends don't know about it, so it is kind of private.  At the same time, it really helps me crystalize some thoughts and feelings, without going overboard.

  That's great Victoria, I have been seeing my counselor for a year now and this past week was the first time I was able to tell him details of my abuse as a child.  He also recommended that I write it down, which I did try to do but once it was on paper and I saw it in black in white it made me sick to my stomach and I had to destroy it...So it didn’t work too well for me 

I can understand that, even the memories I have seem like they happened to someone else.  When I told my counselor last week the actual details of some of things that had happened to me as a child, (which I didnt expect to do) he did comment that I seemed detached and at one point he asked me to tell him how I felt about my stepfather "charlie"...I couldnt do it.  I could say that I thought he was evil and the worst kind of person but as far as venting personal feelings I was void of them and at a loss of words. I dont know if it is because I have kept this locked up for so long or what?  I dont know.   The abuse has always been apart of me but it seems that within the last few months it has grown and my anger and hatred has grown with it.  But I am not sure it is directed toward my abuser so much as it is toward our laws that allow these people to keep praying on children.  It is all over the news and I feel that everytime another child is hurt I am revictimized again.  My stepfather got a very light punishment for the 9 years of abuse he inflicted upon me, and was able to sexually abuse another child.  These kind of things keep replaying in my mind and I have to wonder if there will ever be a day that I will be free from them....