And So It Goes....

It's hard to not be bitter. It's hard to not feel sorry for myself. Most everybody hates a self-pitier. I'm just going to pour it all out and if I'm vile or repugnant in my reproach, then I deserve your scorn. So now the truth.

I hate myself. No matter how much I care about other people, I can't feel the same about me. I am a coward. I'm afraid to take control of my life away from my mom and no matter how much I want to do so, I just can't. Many here have urged me to be my own person. I've had therapists to tell me the same. I know everyone's right. BUT! BUT! BUT!!!!!! it's like telling a depressed person to "just don't be depressed". I'm telling you, I have been conditioned to the way I am since I was in diapers. I love my mom and know that she didn't set out to do this to me, but she did. I am her "everything". That's a hard row to hoe everyday. So PLEASE people, don't tell me how I should do or such. You can't make this right for me and I know it and don't expect you to. I feel desperately alone all the time, no matter what I'm doing. I feel like banging my head on the wall and screaming my head off all the time, but I don't. I go along everyday as if all is fine.

It's not ALL about my symbiotic relationship with mom, though that's enough by itself!

I feel like running out the front door and going somewhere, but I can't run from myself. I'm telling you, no matter how much anybody finds me disgusting, I am many times more disgusted at myself. I have had daydreams where there are 2 of me. The "other me" kicks, punchs, stomps, slaps, bites, and whatever sort of punishment she can dole out, on the real me. But it's never enough. I have had chest pains before and thought, "Gee, it would be great if I could just drop dead of a heart attack right now!" I'm dead serious. However, I'm not suicidal, strangely enough. I'm just weird. You know, I think I want you all to hate me, because that's what I deserve and I know it. I guess if everyone hated me, I wouldn't have to care what anyone thought about me anymore.

janet

Hi Janet, I am not sure what has happened but it is difficult to think that perhaps your post may not be directed at someone in particular who you feel may have overstepped their boundaries.  Regardless of that, your relationship with your mother is not something that any of us here can fix or cure for you.  There is no "miracle advice" to give you or something that anyone one of us can say to you that I am sure you haven’t thought of or tried.  Of course you love your mother and anyone who has read any of your prior posts would know that.  I would think, and this is only my opinion of this situation, that your mom has suffered such trauma that she has spent her life terrified and bitter and in-turn, over protected you.  You were the one thing or person in this world she knew would never hurt her like that.  But those doesnt negate the fact that you also need your space to be your own person and breathe.  We are intended to be a support system here as you know.... I don’t think anyone here could hate you.  Hugs

Janet~ The way you are feeling is exactly the way I am feeling.  There is NO ONE that can say or do to make it better for me.  There are times with me that I want people to feel sorry for me because that is how I got attention.  I liked it too but I now know that isn't the answer.  I just wanted to say that I feel like I'm in the same boat you are and I don't want to give you any advice because what ever I would say you prolly already heard and I would also Like to say Thank you again for what you have done to help me and please take that as a compliment.

Ate,
I love you too! I honestly do! Your loving concern for others, be they people or animals, is always an inspiration. You are truly an example for us all!
(((HUGS!!!)))
Janet
I have thought about a career in therapy and helping people. I think that is my purpose in life is to help others. What you said to me Janet has really inspired me to be thankful for what I have and keep a hold on it. Thanks.

Ms. J - PHEW I am so glad that you brought this up because I was thinking about this but didn't want to say anything in case it hurt you. If all this is caused by trauma that your mother experienced, it is not your responsibility to "fix" her. You don't need any of us to tell you about your responsibility to yourself, you know what you "need" to do and how to do it. Taking that step is yours to make. You know that you will get lots of support from this place as you take the steps to a more independent life. I am however concerned about you and often think about you wondering how you are doing. If your mom is the only life you have ever known, what will happen when she is no longer with you? I am concerned that you will then really be at loose ends which can feel even more desperate than the current situation. I admit that I am probably too new here to know the whole story but that doesn't make my concern any less valid. So help me understand, when you post something like this what do you need? Are you here to vent, do you need empathy, what is the most supportive thing we can do for you?

Dear Strong,
I don't expect anyone here to be able to do anything for me. I know what I should do, but I'm just too cowardly. I really am. My mom doesn't seem to know the words "I" or "me". It's ALWAYS "us" and "we". For example, it's never, "I need to go to the store." It is ALWAYS, "We need to go to the store." Heaven knows that it is so easy to say "just tell her NO" or "that you don't want to". I don't even know where to draw the line. I'm in a very difficult situation in more ways than one. Not only do I have this symbiotic relationship with my mom, I'm afraid of pursuing romantic relationships because I have fears of change and fears of committment. I don't work secularly cuz I have phobia of that and have been this way since I was 17 (am now almost 42). I don't own a car, so I don't have my own transportation. Mom and I live together, so I HAVE TO take her feelings into consideration about certain things, regardless of our symbiotic realtionship. For instance, she has OCD traits. Things HAVE TO be done a certain way. When she does laundry, she wants ALL the dirty clothes available, as in, if I was gone somewhere, she "has to" wait until I get home to wash the load, cuz she wants what I'm wearing to go in the wash. I am not allowed to cook (except for using the microwave), as I won't get the kitchen clean enough and so she'd have to clean up after me..... I am not allowed to do dishes (only she can get them clean enough to her standards---she uses bleach and scalding hot water!) Only she cleans the bathroom...again, it has to meet her standards...I can't go to my friend's house anymore cuz my friend has a little dog and so if I go into her house, I'm "contaminated". Mom abhors animal hairs and animal smells. She freaks out if she thinks there's one around. (I do like to note though that she does love animals, but can't stand hair and smell). Some people would say I'm blessed to not have to do laundry, dishes, etc., but believe me, it's not that great of a life when you're restricted in your own home. Mom has been very hurt in her life and I'm the only one that hasn't ever gave her reason to feel like she's gonna be abandoned. She's terrified of losing me, I know it. But she also knows that I'm afraid of making her mad so that she emotionally distances herself from me. I'd rather be slapped! I could bear the "emotional distance" except that I get anxious really bad and so I cave in. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. So if anyone wants to judge me for not "asserting my independence", please remember that there's more than meets the eye in my case. I feel dead inside in some ways...like a lapdog really. But PLEASE UNDERSTAND, I do NOT expect any answers here. I just like to know that people care about me even as I am. And about if something were to happen to my mom...it would certainly be very hard. I can't say how I'd do, but on the other hand, I would finally have some freedom too. I feel awful saying and feeling that way....but thank you for your concern! :)
Nicky, if I could've had a daughter, I'd been glad to have one just like YOU! Thank you sweetie!
janet

Hi, Strong!
No, I wasn't thinking that YOU were judging me. Some people have seemed to and there is soooooooooooooo much more than what I can say here on a forum...I guess it just seems that some of the very people that have come on sort of strong about how I should do, didn't look at themselves and how they too are controlled by their fears, even if not the same sort. At least I know (and knew) that their intentions were good. The peeps on here are really nice, but when you're hurting and ones make it seem like it's all a piece of cake to solve the problem, well, it just gets me. Albeit, I am quite sensitive about this, so I'm probably more touchy than is fair. I was just venting and commiserating and yep---whining!
janet

Janet
I saw myself in your post. I get to the point to where I think the whole world should hate me because I am so unhappy with myself. There are days where I will not look in the mirror as I feel so ugly.
I tell my b/f that he deserves better,why is he with me? I ask him that when I get that way,and he looks at me like I am crazy.
I get so mad at the world. My mom,my grandparents,I feel deserted. I wonder why my family hates me so much.
And I feel like I could scream,and punch and throw things. I used to do just that. Scream and throw things.
But,I somehow have gotten control of that part of me,I think it is my b/f that helps me with that.
No one hates you. I will tell you that.

Janet~ Thanks for you comment about wanting a daughter like me. If it would be alright I would like to e-mail you more and I wanted to know if you were ok with that.  I wanted to talk to you about something and I really don't want others to be in it(not offense to you guys).

Thanks Shy, Els, and Strong! And Nicky, I'm looking forward to your emails! ;)
HUGS!!
janet