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Posted 8/10/2006 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
IFIXDIT said... At the suggestion of someone who loves me very much, I am joining this site to try and find some other resources ( besides counseling ) and coping strategies for managing and eventualy defeating my demons. First of all I'm 49yo, married for 24 years and the proud father of two amazing children. I realize that atedogs thread is in play and I apologize for inserting this here but I'm very new to the world of message boarding.  I have recently quit drinking. Which was my crutch to deal with my fears and demons. I'm currently taking wellbutrin and seeing a counselor. The problem for me is that I write my own stories of doom and gloom. When it's at it's worst I can even find evidence to prove that my fears are real. The lucid me knows better, but the manic me doesn't listen. I'm tired of this way of life and really want to move forward. Thanks for listening . P.S. IFIXDIT refers to my buisness, not my head Hi IFIXDIT,  Welcome to healing well forum.  We are happy to have you and glad that you have taken the advice of someone who loves to join our community.  I think it is really great that you write stories, I wish I could be that creative.  I have often wondered if Stephen King or Dean Koontz have depression or not.  Certianly it would be difficult to live with those type of thoughts day in and day out..but at least you have an outlet in your writing. I hope you post again and elaborate more on what your dealing with.  I am sure there are members here that can relate to what your going through and can be of some support.  Take care
Posted 8/10/2006 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
I wanted to say Hi to IFIXDIT and welcome. I too quit drinking. Not so much because it was a problem for me but because I have irritable bowel disease and it was making me pretty sick. I still want a drink every now and then but try not to have it. Elisha-I just finished reading Bag Of Bones by Stephen King, wow it was spooky. It would be interesting to know if they have depression or anxiety problems and how they deal with it.
Posted 8/11/2006 12:51 AM (GMT 0)

 I wish that I could say that the stories I write are of a positive nature. The stories I write are in my head. The stories are almost always aimed at destroying my devoted and supportive wife. You see,even after 24 years of marriage, and absolutely no evidence of wrong doing on my wife's part, I can still fabricate the accusation of infidelity. Like a lot of people I came from a militarty family. The world is filled with stories of "dear John" letters and being raised in that enviroment exposed me and others to the ugliest side of lonelieness and fear. I have tried to seperate my wife and her loving care of me from my past, but when I'm in a "low" mood the lines grey and disappear. I have accused her endlessly of being unfaithful and despite that she's stuck it out with me. Now as our children are moving on to college and out of our house the distractions of our family have given way to the realization that if I don't solve this mania I will ruin the rest of not only my life but the life of the woman I truly love. As I said in my first message I quit drinking. My family has a long history of alchololism on both sides of the tree. My mother has been dry now for 21 years and my grandparents all died of alchohol related diseases.

This is a rambling message and I'm not really sure where I intend this to go but I know I have to start somewhere. In reading some of the other posts I have to admit My problems seem miniscule by comparison.

Thank you for the words of support and acceptance. In reading some of the other posts I have to admit Myproblems seem miniscule by comparison.

Posted 8/11/2006 7:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ifixdit,

Please don't compare your problems to others' here and use that to make judgements on yourself: I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that each time one of us does that we judge ourselves harshly and beat ourselves up more. Your problems are just as valid as those of everyone else here -- sometimes it takes somebody from outside yourself to tell you that.

Your wife clearly loves you and knows that you're a good person in a lot of pain. I can really identify with that because that's how I feel about my own partner (currently my ex, sometimes partner -- he's very on and off with the separating and running thing at the moment). I know that I stand by him because of the man he is -- good and strong and dealing with something no one should ever have to deal with in the only way he knows how, trying to help himself recover, getting knock-backs, still trying, living with pain and self-destructive urges that are so hard to cope with. You already know that this stuff has hurt her, so I won't pretend it doesn't -- but I cannot emphasise enough that she stays because she loves you and can see that you do love her. You have to hold onto that, because that's the most important thing of all here.

You've taken a really big step in deciding to face this problem head on -- and quitting drinking (massive well done on that because it can really exaccerbate these problems). Have you got professional help yet? I really think that's an important thing to set up if not. My ex/partner is seeing a pdoc and it has meant that he's been able to really start focusing on what he's dealing with -- the illness itself and the problems he's carried with him for many years (some of them not dissimilar to your own) -- and to begin finding strategies for recovery. I was very afraid he wouldn't take that step or that he'd quit as soon as he'd started seeing the pdoc -- cos he's always had problems with the notion of therapy ... but I think when it counted he realised it was what he needed.

As I say, it sounds like you and my ex/partner have a lot in common, and I'm guessing from what you said about mania that this includes manic depression / bipolar disorder. The bipolar forum's a bit quieter than this one, but you'll find good sound help there too if you wanted to ask questions there. I know there are people there who've really pulled me out a few times recently -- and I'm only dealing with things from the other side.

Take care.

Rosie x
Posted 8/11/2006 7:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hello IFIXDIT,

 

Welcome to Healing Well.

Well done for tackling the problesm in your life.  To realise that you have a problem is the biggest step to take.  Are you finding the counselling helpful??  How long have you been taking the wellbutrin??

I think writing is a great way to vent your feelings and thoughts although I understand what you say when you find it difficult to live with those thoughts.  At least you are getting those thoughts out by writing.

It sounds like you have a wonderful supportive family which really helps when dealing with depression.  I think you should be so proud of yourself for tackling the alcohol problem.

Keep in touch with us and please post again

Take care

 

Posted 8/11/2006 3:40 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you Rosie and Victoria,

I do realize that it's a mistake to use other peoples notes as a yard stick to down play what's happening in my head. I am currently seeing a counselor and have been on the weelbutrin for about 3 months. The worst times for me are late in the day when I'm tired and worn out. Even if I don't get up every hour or fix on " the stories " all night long I never seem to get enough sleep. When I do finally do fall into a deep sleep it's time to get up. Sleep meds have been tried with the morning after being worse than no sleep at all (groggy and unable to focus). I do have a fear of having to take meds to sleep for the rest of my life. The first response to myself in any of the situations I find myself dealing with in my life, and in particular my wife, is how selfish my actions are. The selfishness then leads into the blame game which then turns everything in to my fault. Since everything is my fault I have no one to blame but myself. In response to being completely to blame I then try to punish myself by " writing stories" that include the most rediculous accusations supported by evidence combed out of the smallest discrepancy in my day to day life. It has been just two days since I joined this group and I know that I have a lot of work ahead but sometimes (like last night) I so desperately want to be the man I know I am it physically hurts. My wife listened and let me talk but I also know that it isn't good for her to have to fall asleep every night with my pain as her last input from me. She does monitor this site and at times it is an influence on my honsety (to myself) but the reality is that nothing I say here hasn't already been said at sometime to her. With that said, I'm committed to finding the solutiuon, using what ever tools I can find. As I was getting ready for work this morning I realized that I have always thought of being "The man she married" as being better than who I am now. Stripping away the behaviours, which have always been there, I am a more accomplished individual now than then. I have survived down sizing of a corporation, the theft of a business segmant that I grew with my own two hands, and the very competative market in which I work as I developed my own company. So on that positive note I will close and get to work.

Thank you for your support and positive feedback

Posted 8/11/2006 4:40 PM (GMT 0)

Hi UFIXEDIT, glad you came back. I think it is very powerful for you and your wife to be here together.  If she has stuck by you through as much as you say, I don't think you have to be worried about your honesty here.  This is a place that you can "lay it all out" because we are here to help. I can't speak for anyone else but it seems like you may need to be here more than perhaps your wife does.  If it really becomes a problem that both of you are here I urge you to talk to your wife about it.  Perhaps she would understand?

I have mentioned before that sometimes I get to the point where I just have to laugh.  It is better than crying and has wonderful health benefits.  Anyway, you typed the sentence, "Like a lot of people I came from a militarty family" and then talked about Dear John letters and other issues that can be prevalent in the military.  I know that it was just a typo but it cracked me up.  I am an old military wife, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  Laughter is the best  policy and  you made my day.  ....militarty tongue

We all come here because we have something to share and need to either get or give support and acceptance.  You have something positive to bring to this place, please keep coming back.

Posted 8/11/2006 10:39 PM (GMT 0)
Thanx eye dew trey 2 enunciate korrektly on a limb.

Posted 8/12/2006 5:11 AM (GMT 0)
Okay dude, still cracking me up!! Laughter really is the best medicine.
Posted 8/12/2006 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Ifixdit...
I think you'll like it here, people are so great about letting you know their thoughts in a non-judgemental way, and very encouraging about positive things you are trying out to see if they help.

That said, I have a couple questions for you if you don't mind.

Was it your GP or a Pdoc that prescribed the Wellbutrin? (I ask this, because it sounds more like perhaps a bi-polar or maybe a minor delusional disorder stemming from issues of your past might be making your unhappiness more profound. I am just wondering if there isn't a medication out there that might be better suited to your specific situation.)

Have you sought counseling with your wife? (My husband and I truly benefitted from marriage counseling, as having an third party who was educated about depression helped me to explain the things to my husband that I was finding it difficult to get through to him. It is truly difficult to explain depression to someone that has never experienced it. They usually think of saddness and unhappiness and don't realize that it is so much more and different than that... and it was a relief when he finally started to sort of "get" that it was more complex than the simple explainations he - and others who haven't experienced depression - associate with the word. I didn't always feel like I had to explain every little thing to him anymore and get so upset. We will continue to use counseling as a couple to help us when we need it.)

Have you ever tried hypnosis for relaxation and help with your sleep? (If this sort of thing interests you, I can recommend some programs that have helped me with some of my anxieties and have been able to help me quiet my thoughts off when I'm having trouble sleeping. It's not the answer for everyone, and it doesn't put you in a "trance" or anything... just helps you reach a deep state of relaxation where you can either help your mind resolve some of the simpler things, or just get your head away from your concerns for a little while.)

Your problems are not miniscule compared to anyone elses... your problems are making your life difficult to live with happiness and security - - and we all want nothing but the best for you and your family. I does help to have this board to vent, or ask questions, or just read and see if anything rings true to you. I have found great comfort here even when I haven't posted for a long time, and have just been reading through the messages and responses. There a some great people here, with lots of caring and support.
Posted 8/12/2006 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
ps: sorry about the typos above!!! LOL, proofreading has never been one of my strengths!!!!
Posted 8/15/2006 4:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Cliche,

My wellbutrin was oredered by my PDOC(?) The GP had me taking Zoloft which took my mind off EVERYTHING! I couldn't concentrate on work and felt like I was sleep walking through my day. Hypnosis has always sounded like voodoo to me and I would really have to be serious for it to be effective. My wife and I are seeing seperate counselors currently but mine has asked to meet her. My wife has her own deprssive issues ( she deals with them very effectively ) and is no longer on meds. We are both interested in finding diet/natural avenues of dealing with stress and depression. As I said elswhere we will be seeing a nutrionist once the kids are settled back in to college life. I tried spreading my flaxseed oil out over the course of the day and it did seem to have a positive affect, even if it was what I wanted to believe. Good is good. I will take any relief I can get. Jer
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