New here

I originally posted this on the bottom of Atedogs thread but then figured out how to start a new thread. 

At the suggestion of someone who loves me very much, I am joining this site to try and find some other resources ( besides counseling ) and coping strategies for managing and eventualy defeating my demons. First of all I'm 49yo, married for 24 years and the proud father of two amazing children. I realize that atedogs thread is in play and I apologize for inserting this here but I'm very new to the world of message boarding.  I have recently quit drinking. Which was my crutch to deal with my fears and demons. I'm currently taking wellbutrin and seeing a counselor. The problem for me is that I write my own stories of doom and gloom. When it's at it's worst I can even find evidence to prove that my fears are real. The lucid me knows better, but the manic me doesn't listen. I'm tired of this way of life and really want to move forward. Thanks for listening . P.S. IFIXDIT refers to my buisness, not my head

Hi IFIXDIT,

I loved how you worded that 'I write my own stories of Doom and Gloom.' I could never think of the words to describe what I do, and here you have done it for me. This was a huge problem for me when I was younger. As long as you are honest with yourself and your counsellor, your already ahead.

Congratulations for getting off the alcohol!!!!!!!!

If you want to vent here or tell us more about yourself, we love to hear it.

Good luck

The idea that I'm not alone in my behaviours does help. I've allowed myself to have a rough day. Worried too much about money ( two kids in college ) invented problems that would be better suited to soap operas and just need a nap. Being honest with myself is the hardest thing I've ever failed at. I fix things ( hospital equipment ) for a living. I have had very few machines beat me. If it worked before I can make it work again. But when it comes to my own life I seem to return to the disfunction again and again. I know the "stories" in my head are not true but I still can't turn them off. I will , when I'm alone, actually yell at myself to quit inventing or chasing the story. Other times I can be more calm and rational about the truth of what I'm thinking and dismiss it as foolishness. Some have told me that the way I feel about myself is rooted in my childhood and the way I was treated then. My childhood was a bit unusual. As a military dependant I attended 27 diferrent elementry and high schools before I graduated. My parents divorced when I was 9 and we bounced beteween homes for a while. The evil Step mother in Cinderella makes mine look like a goddess. My father is a dead end. He apparently preferred his second set of children to the first. My mother is (was) so bent on explaining her side of the marital story that she won't (didn't ) accept the idea that I don't care. I feel they both share equally in the responsibility of the marriage failure. To allow one to tell me their side would mean ( to me ) that I would then be responsible to seek out the others story and then decide who I felt was right and wrong. No Thanks! Oh ya did I mention that I am the more dominant personallity of a twin brother and younger sister and from the age of 9 I was the caretaker and "head of the household" until my father remarried a woman only 9 years older than me. This is beginning to sound like whining session to me so I'll stop now. Thanks for listening/reading. Please respond with any words of wisdom or advice.
Thank You

Thank you SL4U,
Do any of you have simular experiences? I wonder if I'm even in the right place. I do know depression can affect people differantly. My story telling brain seems to drive my moods and the resulting self loathing is awful. I can't say that I want to hide but I do find the inability to function very scarey. I will loose hours and sometimes days to analysis paralysis. I know it's not just me but sometimes it feels that way.

On brighter note today was special family occasion and I only had minor tremors of doubt.