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Posted 8/9/2006 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
I need to ask some questions.  I may not say these things correctly so please hang in there with me.  If I cause any miscommunication or confusion please know that my questions are not judgments of anyone but rather an attempt to explore for myself some of the issues that keep me where I am.  I would love to gain some perspective with your help.

It seems to me that fear is the driving force that keeps people stuck in one place.  Why are we afraid?  I really want to know this.  At this time in my life I am not afraid of what people think of me.  If someone is going to judge me harshly because of a challenge that I have then I don't need them in my life.  Maybe when we get to a certain age (46 for me) we are just not willing to accept crap anymore but I'm just not.  I surround myself with the people who are the most important to me and with new people who are willing to be kind. 

What does the fear get us accept more pain and more fear?  I can look back to a few situations from my childhood that I have never mentioned to anyone.  For most of my life they have seemed inconsequential.  Until now I never knew how much they affected the rest of my life.  I can also look back to one particular incident (sp?) that I never talked about until I realized that my older sister had experienced the same thing.  I don't think it particularly changed me but I was afraid to say anything as a child and can see how it was the beginning of negative events that twisted and warped my sister into someone that I sometimes don't even recognize.  I said something to my mom about it and now it isn't even an issue for me, it also led to getting help for my sister.

If we don't talk about the things that create the fear in us, it gives them power.  I really believe this. It is like having a dirty little secret and that creates shame and embarrassment as well as fear. Taking the power away from the fear is a way to be in control of the fear instead of it being in control of us.  So doesn't talking about those things that create fear in us take the power away from the fear?  Isn't that a good thing?

I am married to a wonderful man that came from a horrible childhood.  I grew up in a comfortable, middle-class family where in I was a ghost.  I always had safety, enough to eat, a warm place to lay my head and was never in jeapardy of losing that.  I just didn't ever have anyone to validate me as a kid and I had to learn to do that for myself as a teenager.  All our lives together I have known that hubby would need to eventually confront his issues.  I have also been aware of how those issues have effected our lives together and how they affected the raising of our two children.  I'm not talking about any sort of abuse.  I am talking about hubby not being able to be a complete partner in parenting or being afraid that I would leave him even though I never did anything to give him cause to worry.  I have spent much of our marriage in patient mode, waiting for him to realize that he needs to deal with this stuff.  It is sort of like waiting for an alcoholic to realize that they need help.  You can't do anything about it until they are ready to get help.  Anyway, he is seeing a therapist and trying hard to work on his issues. I am so proud of him.  I have lately become aware of the effect this waiting has had on me.  I have also begun to wonder if some of those events from childhood have always colored the way I am with men in general.  If that is true, does it also color the way I am with my husband?  He is a gentle, loving man who could be posting on the What We Have Survived Thread.  I know that I could be a better wife to him but I have always kept a little piece of myself and by doing so let my fear of being hurt maintain a little space between us.  Yes, I am seeing a therapist and exploring these issues there as well as asking about them here.

I hope I explained this well enough for you to understand what I am asking and what I am trying to explore.  I sincerely appreciate your thinking on this subject and hope that by doing so it will be helpful to all of us. 

Posted 8/9/2006 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Strong,

I'm only not replying properly now because you have given me lots to think about and I *need* to think before I open my big mouth on this one!!!

For now all I wanted to say is that I believe what you have written is very important for all of us here, and that I know thinking about it will be a good thing.

Rosie x
Posted 8/11/2006 7:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi strong, I think your right when you get our age(47) you start to think about things that have happened to you in childhood and in your life up until now. I know the things that have happened to me has had a big impact on who I am now. My husband has told me that I push him away at times too, but he also knows why I do it. I have kept alot of childhood secrets to myself as well, and sometimes i wonder why I didnt feel like I could tell my parents about it. I think it had alot to do with being raised in a religous home, but I'm not sure. My sister did the same thing kept silent. I think when we have a debilitating illness that we know will take our life some day, we question alot of things. Your way of thinking reminds me alot of myself lately. I am also going to seek help for the same issues at the end of the month when I see a phsychiatrist, which I havent done in quite a few years. I feel we are so much on the same wavelink, maybe we can chat sometime in private. Who knows maybe we can help each other! Good Luck to you in finding your answers, maybe someone else can help you alot more than I have. TC and hope to see you on chat.
Posted 8/11/2006 10:54 AM (GMT 0)
I thought about this post a lot yesterday and have had some mixed feelings regarding it.  I have things I am afraid of but I don’t believe I let that fear rule my life.  I believe everyone has fears and that is normal, or should be normal.  There are many people who have had horrific events happen to them and subsequently let fear and anxiety dominate every aspect of their lives.  Such as my aunt who has been raped several different times and is now an alcoholic and drug abuser.  It is sad but she chooses to beat herself up over the things that have happened to her in the past and yes, she does let fear rule her life, so she self medicates.  But I am not one to judge her for that as I have not walked in her shoes...I am just there to remind her that I love her and support her regardless and hope one day she will get better.   I don’t believe that you have to talk about the things that you fear or if you don’t it gives it more power.  I think if you can personally acknowledge that there is something of importance and deal with it on a day to day level then this is enough.  It really depends on the person and the type of personality they have and what type of situation that they are facing in their lives.  As everyone knows by know I had a horrible childhood and have had a difficult time talking of it and mostly the only place I have spoken of it is here and to my therapist.  Of course my mom knows and my family knows I was "molested" but nothing else.  I don’t feel the need to lay it all out to everyone or to speak openly of it.  It was in the past and I am trying to deal with, I think I deal with it very well actually.  Never have I considered it a "dirty little secret", it is something very personal to me and I have the power to choose when I want to talk about it and when I don’t.  There is no fear there what so ever.  What I can say I do fear is my heart disease and MSA and what it is doing to my body and life but, this is the only thing and I believe is pretty common with major diseases.   I believe everyone has to find their own way of dealing with their demons so to speak.  For some voicing their fears, past hurts/traumas could be detrimental to them as it would make it real again.  For others, talking is very good therapy.  Artists express their feelings through their works of art and very rarely know how to communicate effectively with words.  I don’t know if this makes any sense at all....I am just trying to say it depends on the person.
Posted 8/11/2006 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi -- I haven't really worked out what I think on this yet, but something Elisha said gave me an idea and it links with something I've started doing again recently and posting on these boards. Elisha mentioned how "Artists express their feelings through their works of art and very rarely know how to communicate effectively with words." I used to write a lot, and it really helped me. (It also sometimes scared the heck out of me...). Well, I don't really know what a lot of my fears are. Yes, bad things have happened to me ... but as with Elisha, I'm not sure these things make me *afraid* as such anymore. I just know that the only times I've come close to giving a picture of how my fears work and how difficult it feels to get back to living sometimes is in some of my poetry. So here's one of those poems... Rosie x The Village Idiot’s Roses   I was always at home with my mirror, My own terror, still terror, And my backward woven life, Looking inside outwards, Breathing in scents and other's compliments,   Blowing out flowers. My face is a mirror To the moon. But, O Mother, look, Look what hid behind my mask, Look what my skirts are made of. -- Black sky, black crepe.   Blow, Mother, blow. -- Those roses still burn On my window sill, still rearrange my air, Pierce protective circles, protective fear. They point towards my darkling eyes, Thorn flickers. They needle me.   They have swapped their eyes for pins in this village. It hurts to weave. It hurts to sigh. It hurts to watch them watch, And think they know me. They call me mad, Whispering sentences, and never stop   To question him, down by the pond, Collecting pins. They simply laugh To see him bent on sharpest reds. They stole the magpie's eyes, Plucked mine off the cloth, and spun them round.   Scenes unravel to a nothing wrap. Smoke unravels over blackening bowls. The villagers lend their looks, their tongues, Their 'phones. I heard them Backwards when I was alone.   Twelve ******s won’t let me go back. Go back to that fire. -- It won’t burn away. Go back to the pond. -- These tears Can’t drown a nothing man. Poor fool. And I have pricked my finger on these roses,   Here, behind these walls, behind these thorns, And strangely careful shadows, To die in fairy-tale again. And I’m so tired Of deaths, this breathing in and in, That I could sleep. If I could sleep.  
Posted 8/11/2006 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
Exactly Rosie!  Great poem...Thank you so much for sharing it with us...hugs
Posted 8/11/2006 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much for sharing, I was beginning to wonder if I scared folks off. I want to be really clear that my post is not a judgment of anyone for any reason. It is only me asking for whatever assistance people may be able to offer so that I can wade through some of these things for my own benefit. Again, thank you for your thoughts.

Rosie, your poem is amazing. Keep writing, thanks for sharing.
Posted 8/11/2006 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
Oh-ho Strong, you didn't put me off. -- Still think it's a really interesting question. And just because I can't put my finger on a "cause" of my fears, doesn't mean they aren't there or that I don't have to face them and deal with them. I'm really glad you started this post. Felt a bit exposed and ridiculous after I posted that poem -- almost took it right back off! -- Glad I didn't: thanks so much to you and Elisha for your great words of encouragement. I actually think one "real" fear I've had over the last couple of years is that I couldn't write any more, but posting my poems recently and having kind people like yourselves say such nice things has really helped me start again -- little steps. Today feels much better for that too.

Rosie x
Posted 8/12/2006 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
I dont know if this answers your question directly - I do know that your questions have been ones which I have tried very hard to crystallize in my mind because I think they are key factors that keep me submerged in my depressive moods sometimes. The ghost that you describe of your childhood was me as a child - like you I had a lot of the material benefits in life but was born with a cosmetically disfiguring illness (with no physical discomfort!) which caused my well-intentioned parents to basically hide me from public view. I was raised in a country which believed that women needed to look good first of all - and I think they felt they needed to hide me till such a time that the cosmetic problem was cured - never did. Unfortunately all this experience left me was a poor self-image which it has taken me years to even partially deal with.

One of the things which I found helpful was to isolate my fears and deal with them one at a time. My overriding fear was one of being laughed at behind my back - always felt that people would be mocking me and they probably did - I am now at 42 learning to ignore this. A bad marriage with a controlling partner who capitalized on my poor self-esteem did not help. My overriding fear is getting involved with another man who will manipualte me in the same way. Like most people with poor self-esteem - I have difficulty establishing boundaries and am terrified of being in the same situation again.

I tend to push away people when they get too close to me and I guess this is one of the reasons I find this mode of communication so comfortable. These are a few of my fears but I am hopeful and refuse to think that I cannot get beyond this - whether I will or not only time will tell.
Posted 8/12/2006 4:57 AM (GMT 0)
Rosie, I think your poem is very powerful. If you care to share any of your writing I would love to read it. If this feels too exposed you can email it to me. I truly encourage you to keep writing.

Susan35, WOW, I have never ever found anyone who "gets" the ghost thing. Growing up with priviledge but having problems anyway made me feel like an imposter. It was like I didn't have the right to have problems because I had enough to eat, no one was beating me and I was safe when others had problems that were so much worse. Of course the community that I grew up in was sort of like The Stepford community. Everyone was supposed to be happy. There was a lot of money around town and it was supposed to make everything wonderful. What most people on the outside looking in didn't know is that it is all fake. My family wasn't but most families in the community created a facade of wealth by maxing out credit cards and mortgaging themselves to the hilt just to keep up appearances. My family wasn't rich but we were comfortable and had what we needed. Weird huh?
Posted 8/12/2006 10:53 AM (GMT 0)
Rosie, my mother is much like you in the respect that her thoughts and feelings go into poems.  She is a very good writer but doesn’t communicate verbally so well.  My mom grew up in a very repressed family situation.  My family is Italian and grandma is Sicilian, strictly has a personal policy of not talking about any situation after it has happened.  My mom fought to be more open with my brother and me but sometimes what you are taught as a child is very difficult to overcome.  I will post one of her poems in the positive thread so you can see how she writes...
Posted 8/12/2006 10:56 AM (GMT 0)
Stronglady, I want you to know that I was not at all offended or put-off by your post.  Sometimes it is good to have a post that really makes you think and reflect on your feelings and thoughts.  Even though it strains my brain now-a-days...
Posted 8/12/2006 11:12 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

Im sorry Ive left it so long to post in here.  I have thought about this thread a lot and was actually nervous about what to post.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. I don't know whether Im posting the right things in here but I will tell you all what Im afraid of.

 

From the ages of 9-11 I was abused and raped by my mums boyfriend and my mum knew about it.  No-one knew about this until 2 months ago.  Since then I have been seeing a psychologist to talk about it all.  I am frightened to open up and I am frightened to tell her everything as I am ashamed and disgusted with it all.

A lot of people want me to go to the police about this but I am scared to death that if I do he will come after me.  This is the only time in my life I have ever felt safe and I dont think he knows where I am. If I go to the police, he will know where I am and I am scared he will find me and hurt me.  My mum doesnt know where I am either and Im equally scared of her.

 

I have never posted something as detailed as this as I feel I am showing my weak side.  I hate to admit I am afraid but I am.  Sometimes when I think of all this I feel like a scared little girl again.

I feel like I need to be stong all the time and deep down Im not.

 

I hope you all dont think of me as weak and I hope its ok to post this in this thread but in answer to the question about what im afraid of.....this is it.

 

Im afraid I ll always be this weak, Im afraid I ll never get over the past and just be able to get on with things and Im afraid that one day he'll find me and my life will be over.

 

Ive never told anyone how afraid of this I am.  I always put on a brave face and a smile.  I always feel I have to. 

Everyone one I work with thinks I am the happiest, fun  and outgoing person they know.  I have to put on this front at work as I am a nurse and I cannot put my own problems first.  Its is easy to hide behind this front I put on.

 

I always think to myself that I shouldnt feel like this as there are people much worse off than me and i shoould feel lucky for what I have in life.  I have worked so hard to get where I am today so whay cant I get past this.

 

Im so sorry for the long post.  I dont think Ive ever just posted about myself like this - i have definatley shown you all my weak side.

 

Thanks for listening x

 

 

Posted 8/12/2006 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Victoria, I don't think you're weak at all: I think what you just wrote was massively brave in itself. And you must never feel ashamed of what was done to you -- disgusted is fine as long as you are disgusted with *him* and *your mum* for not acting like decent human beings. I'm so pleased you are seeing a psychologist to help you with this: as you open up and talk about it and you find that nobody but you is judging you for what was done, hopefully this will help you to be kinder to yourself.

On the police question... I never reported the guy who raped me because I was afraid of acknowledging it properly and afraid it would destroy my parents (he was also very screwed up and on drugs and had a bizarre obsession with me and part of me actually felt *sorry* for him that he'd sunk so low). I don't know if I regret not doing so: I can't think about that because it was too long ago now and there's nothing I could do now anyway. But what happened to you *involved* a parent and that is *appalling*. I'm sure you know that they deserve to be found out and punished for this, but I can feel your fear of being found and hurt by this man. But he is scaring you and hurting you *now*. You can be protected from him by the police. Is there a rape/abuse line local to you that you can call and ask for information on police procedures for dealing with this kind of thing in your area -- so that you know what you'd be dealing with if you do report this without actually committing to doing so until if or when you're ready?

Bug hugs Victoria. Take care.

Rosie x
Posted 8/12/2006 3:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Vic, I agree that you are incredibly brave and are NOT a weak person.   I cannot imagine a mother knowing about something like that happening and not doing something to prevent it or protect their child.   I understand your fear of "him" finding you as we left Kansas City as soon as we could so my stepfather couldn’t find us.   My mother was very paranoid that he would make good on his threats and find us and harm us.   For me this was a real fear also for many years but subsided after being in one place for a long period of time and knowing that I would never let him hurt me again even if he did come here.   Your a strong person Victoria, and despite the horrors that were done to you and the neglect of your mother you have made a life for yourself.   You have a career to be proud of which not very many people can mind you and a wonderful supportive relationship with a great guy.   Your not that little girl anymore...yes, she is still in there and you (and me too) need to learn how to heal the damage that has been done so you can live in peace with yourself.   Your doing that by going to counseling and taking care of your mental health with medication...are you still doing yoga?   Helps with anxiety you know   But I think once you feel more at peace with yourself and have dealt with these issues some more in therapy you may be ready to face them legally, if that is the road you want to take.     Hugs
Posted 8/12/2006 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I was the "invisible child" or the lamb in the 12 family scheme of things. My father was an alcoholic, my mom became mentally ill. After that my sister and I became outcasts. She became the black sheep. I was "wierd" and a "wierdo". I won a scholarship to Catholic high school but my mother was not impressed and wanted me to leave school at 16 so I could get out of the house and stop being a burden. 

I come from a violent mess. My mother was shunned because she was mentally ill. I feel strange because I am very tall and am slightly crippled too. Thank the good graces I met my husband who treated me like a queen.

My family only said negative things and treated me like a work drudge. I see the world out there through those glasses and it is very difficult to change.

As the french philsophy Jean Paul Satre said "Hell is other people." I don't like to be around those in authority, ie doctors, police, etc. The only exception is teachers. My school life was paradise compared to being at home. I have a poem entitled Every Cat Has Nine Lives which I might share someday soon.

Peace...may the force be with us all.

Post Edited (Joan M) : 8/12/2006 11:52:09 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/13/2006 2:34 AM (GMT 0)

Victoria said...
Hi,

Im sorry Ive left it so long to post in here.  I have thought about this thread a lot and was actually nervous about what to post.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. I don't know whether Im posting the right things in here but I will tell you all what Im afraid of.

 

From the ages of 9-11 I was abused and raped by my mums boyfriend and my mum knew about it.  No-one knew about this until 2 months ago.  Since then I have been seeing a psychologist to talk about it all.  I am frightened to open up and I am frightened to tell her everything as I am ashamed and disgusted with it all.

A lot of people want me to go to the police about this but I am scared to death that if I do he will come after me.  ....

Victoria,  I know that you have heard this again and again but you have nothing to be ashamed of.  Your fear of discovery is real, acknowledge it,  you're allowed to be afraid.  For much of my life I have examined the notion of courage.  When I first had a problem with depression, it was undiagnosed and even after seeing an wonderful doctor it went undiagnosed (he told me this was all a reaction to stress).  It took me 8 years to get better during which I had 2 children, built a house, moved several times and created a place for myself in the world.  During that time there wasn't one single day that depression didn't make me feel weak.  It wasn't until several months after I was no longer symptomatic with depression that I realized how much strength and courage it took to make it through those 8 years. 

In our culture there are icons that we are supposed to look up to; sports figures, celebrities, people in authority.  I have come to realize that while these people may be good people, they are not role models or heros.  A role model is someone that everyone can aspire to immitate or be inspired by.  Not everyone is capable of playing basketball like Michael Jordan or create a stunning performance like so many movie stars that we see today.  Heros and role models are the everyday people in our communities that all too often go unnoticed, unsung and uncelebrated.  They are the people that quietly go about their lives no matter what their challenges are.  They are the people in our community that are trying to make a difference and make the world a better place. 

It takes real courage to be one of those people. Courage is not only the act of doing something brave such as running into the burning building to save someone.  It is also knowing what your fears are, being aware of how insurmountable they feel and looking them in the face and doing what we have to do anyway.  Everyone of us that comes here trying to make sense out of the challenges that we have been given is here with real courage. 

I believe that it is a personal decision to prosecute someone who has raped or abused you.  You are the only ones that can make the decision to go to the police or not.  I just want to say to anyone that has been attacked that there are crimes that have no statute of limitations.  Don't assume that it is too late unless you have researched this carefully.  There are many stories of adults who were raped or abused as children successfully prosecuting their attackers.

Y'all are my heros, everyday, one foot in front of the other with courage leading the way.

Posted 8/13/2006 10:26 AM (GMT 0)
Thankyou Els, Rosie and StrongLady - You made me feel like a stronger person and not a weak young girl

Thankyou xx

Posted 8/13/2006 10:48 AM (GMT 0)
Anytime Vic...that is what we are here for hun...hugs
Posted 8/13/2006 11:02 AM (GMT 0)
Prosecuting for sex crimes (child or adult) does have a statute of limitations on them if you reside in the United States .  There is a bill before Congress now to change this and to make it so there is no limitation on reporting these types of crimes and being able to prosecute the people who commit them. I cant speak for the UK as I am not familiar with the laws there…they may not have a statute of limitations on these type of crimes.   http://www.examiner.com/a-197999~Bill_would_extend_statute_of_limitations_on_sex_abuse_by_12_years.html
Posted 8/13/2006 11:16 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Rosie (and all of you in this thread)

What wonderfully brave and valorous women we have here -  reading all the posts makes me realise how much stronger we actually are to be able to go beyond all the fears which threaten to paralyze us each day - some real and some the tricks of our minds but all as challenging and threatening just the same. I think the fact that we are able to thrive and Rosie in your case take care of the needs of others despite these makes this group of people even more incredible and strong in my book. I have no explanation for why things are more challenging for some people like us and it sometimes drives me crazy wanting to hear from somebody up there - why me why me why me - it is like a litany in my brain sometimes !

After some therapy - both with my therapist and some spiritual learning - I have also been trying to face my fears a little more rationally - but alas so far I still keep slipping back into old negative thoughts - they have been with me for so long it is really difficult to not indulge in them. But I refuse to lose hope for the future and will persist.

Rosie - I am in the healthcare profession too and have realised that taking care of other people can sometimes be a challenging but also satisfying experience. How do you think your profession has affected you as a person ?

Posted 8/13/2006 12:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Susan,

Thanks so much for your kind words. You give me too much credit, though -- I'm not in healthcare, so I don't have anything like the things you have to cope with day to day. -- I really admire you for that. I suppose though, in many respects, my profession does involve caring: I lecture at a university, and one of my roles is as second year tutor, which is mainly a pastoral role and I have a lot of students come to me with problems (ranging from computers crashing and losing an essay to depression following abuse). My main role is to sit and listen and advise in terms of getting professional help and immediate strategies for helping them deal with the work load -- but I've been known to push the strict limits of my job at times because it's so hard not to try to do more at these times. Mostly helping is a positive experience. -- There was one girl who came to me just as my own relationship was falling apart due to my ex/partner's manic depression, and she was coping with someting very similar: it was odd to hear myself give her advice that I myself needed but hadn't been able to see until it came to me as someone else's problem. And it helped me. Sometimes it can become rather a lot though. -- I know that more students come to me than anyone else in my department because they see me as someone who will understand and not judge. -- That's alovely thing to know, but there are some days when I spend all day helping others and feel like I've got nothing left for me at the end of it. On balance I think the good outweighs the bad, though: I can't change the way I am, and it's good to know that my past problems make it easier for me to understand and/or help people fighting with their own demons.

My ex/partner (sorry, still no idea what to call him: some days it seems like we're back on track, others he's in "running" mode) works in the healthcare profession -- ambulance service. He's very good at treating work as work and not getting emotionally involved -- sometimes *too* good I think. He deals with the physical side more than the mental, though he can be surprisingly insightful at times and does seem to judge needs quite well. But he doesn't do softly softly with people much -- tells them the medical stuff that's making them react as they are and is very logical. He has this need to "fix" things, but in a more practical way than me. When he falls under depression it's crippling for him, because he won't give himself an emotional break I think.

Thank you again Susan for raising the carer issue. Although I'm not as directly involved with this as you are, I do understand you thoughts on this a lot -- from my work and from trying to help my ex/partner. I'm sure there are many others who have similar experiences and could offer their insights too.

Best to all,
Rosie x
Posted 8/13/2006 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry Rosie - I did mean to talk about how ones career affects ones condition and I think it is Victoria who is a nurse as she mentioned in her last post.

But yes I think this question affects everyone - do you think your career helps or hinders your condition ? I find it frightenening to think of not being able to work - in fact to some extent I wonder how healthy it is to be so attached to my career - if, for some reason, I could not work tomorrow - I would feel even more emotionally adrift than I am today and that thought gives me the shivers sometimes.

But on the positive side, I know that taking care of other people has given me a better perspective of my own problems and has definitely helped me. When I went through my divorce, I refused to take even a days break because it felt like when I was home alone with my thoughts - my depression got worse. Working was my anchor and helped deal with some of the worst times in my life.
Posted 8/14/2006 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
Do you ever get the feeling that we are twins of different mothers?

Ate, you are singing my song, LOL. My hubby and I were just having this conversation. We went to a family thing this weekend and there were lots of people that my parents know but kids were meeting for the first time. When my mom introduces us kids it goes like this (beaming with pride) This is my SON -------(might as well spell it sun), This is MY OLDEST DAUGHTER --------(and the only one I have a relationship with because she has no life of her own so I get to have her take care of me), this is my youngest daughter THE VETERANARIAN, ---------and this is my middle daughter ah,ah,ah, ---------(that would be me). My parents as you can see have 4 kids, 3 girls and 1 son, I am the third kid right in a row and there are 10 years between me and my younger sister. My mother never wanted girls, cosmic karma that she ended up with three but what did we do to deserve that? LOL The two older girls suffered heavily from the cherished first male child syndrome. I was the first "accident" which my mother informed me in a conversation where she was saying that she didn't like girls in "the aggregate". Apparently I was in "the aggregate" and she didn't like me. She meant going through puberty but she was so repressed she couldn't even say the word. What I feel about this is a great deal of sadness and occassional hurt, like this weekend. Thank goodness it has never made me jealous of my siblings. Somehow I was always able to see that they suffered from this in their own way as much as I did at the time. I think my brother was almost cherished to death and my older sister, well that is too long a story. My younger sister faired a little bit better because she was more like an only child and my mom had learned a thing or two between me and her. I think that she must have felt desserted as a child because we all went off to college and left her in that house alone. Fortunately she was into riding and had a horse which kept her busy and away from the house often. Man, this sounds like a horrible place to grow up. I think of my childhood, which was actually pretty happy, and my childhood with Mom which was a slippery bubble inside of my childhood. As I have said before I was a ghost which meant that I quietly slipped away, never got into any trouble.

You are right about the fear taking over like a cancer. It is the wolf that we all keep at bay to get better. I am wondering though if there is a difference between the fear that keeps us in one place and actually being in a situation that seems insurmountable?
Posted 8/15/2006 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
After my last post I just had to share this.

My mom has had many heart attacks in the middle of the night and is rightfully concerned about staying alone when my dad has to be out of town. My sister and I take turns staying with her as I did last weekend. Well, I left my shoes at Mom's house (hey, she left her bowls at my house). Anyway, hubby and I went over to pick up shoes and drop off bowls. We called ahead. When we got there we were met at the door by my mom with my shoes in hand. Mom said they were about to eat dinner and the shoes were shoved at me through the door bowls exchanged and well, good-bye. Husband commented on how rude it was, I pretty much just considered the source although it did seem especially rude.

Last night my mom called to APOLOGIZE. The words "I'm sorry" have never EVER come out of my mother's mouth. All of a sudden the univerise is tilting on its axis and the planets are out of alignment. Sputter, sputter, "thanks, Mom." (imagine Bambi in the headlights) She really meant it too. There is a Paul Newman movie (can't remember the name) where his family are loggers and his character is especially nasty. His life philosophy is "Never give a G-dam inch". I have pretty much always figured my mom lived by that. Wow.
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