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Posted 8/20/2006 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
I was supposed to go back to my doctor yesterday for my first psychotherapy but I didn't go. I know I had to because the meds she gave me were just enough until yesterday. I was feeling ok after 3 days of taking Cymbalta although the side effects were really uncomfortable and I was feeling sleepy most of the time. At least, I didn't feel extremely sad.

A part of me wanted to know if I could continue feeling better without help from a doctor or meds. I told a couple of friends about me seeing a doctor and her diagnosis and they both asked me if I really need that. I know that people see me as laid-back type, carefree and adventurous kind and they would never think that it's possible for me to be clinically depressed. It's probably one of the reasons why I managed to somehow be stable. I know I need help, but I still can't accept that I really do (partly believing how others perceive me). Certainly I don't want to drown myself in sadness anymore.

Am I making any sense here? It's just so hard to deal with this when noone's really supportive. I wanted to tell my parents but I know they would just say that it's a waste of money and that I'm just going overboard. Your thoughts/comments or anything would really help. Thanks!
Posted 8/20/2006 4:40 PM (GMT 0)
I think you answered your own question within your post.

miclillace said...
I know I need help, but I still can't accept that I really do (partly believing how others perceive me).

If nothing else a doctor can provide some of the support your friends and family might not. I say give the doc a try.
Posted 8/20/2006 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
Mic,
I understand how you may tend to reason the way you have, but really, in your heart of hearts, I believe you already know the answer. PLEASE go back to your doctor. Tell her exactly what you've posted here. And Mic, it truly isn't ANYONE'S business whether you do or don't go to the doc! No ONE has walked in your shoes so how can they say that you don't need to go to doctor??? A lady I know, she works for an orthopedic surgeon. She decided to go to her physician for minor throat irritation, feeling that something just wasn't "right"and the doc she worked for told her that he thought it unnecessary for her to go as it was probably no big deal. Well, she went anyway and it was an early stage of cancer. Thank goodness she ignored her boss!!! And he was a doc himself! So don't listen to those friends that are doing you no favors! You felt better and that says something, don't you think?
HUGS!
janet
Posted 8/20/2006 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
You have a desire to get better, to feel better but yet you sabatoge your treatment based on what you perseive others may think of you?  You said that "you dont want to drown in sadness anymore" and that the Cymbalta did make you feel less sad...so that should tell you to continue to take it especially if it is making the depression lessen and it should day by day.  As for friends and family once you start to get better perhaps then you can make the decision to start to tell them if you wish.  Most people who have never had feelings of depression or people you havent confided your deepest feelings of depression in are most likely not going to understand this.  I'm not saying dont tell them but dont let their reactions and opinions rule how you treat yourself and illness. 
Posted 8/20/2006 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mic,

Hear hear to everything Michelle, Janet and Elisha have said: these women know their stuff -- and you know your own mind too, deep down. Please go back to the doc and continue your road to recovery. The side-effects from the Cymbalta should clear up in a week or two, and no point stopping and starting and just prolonging the time they take to clear up -- especially since you knew the meds were helping you.

Don't feel bad about bottling it from seeing the doc (I think probably everyone here has done this at least once), but do learn from your mistake (again, as probably everyone here has had to so).

Keep posting to let us know how you're doing.

Rosie x
Posted 8/21/2006 1:45 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys. :)

I already feel bad about myself and the idea of of being on drugs to be happy and paying someone to tell what's going on with me only makes me feel worse. But you're right Ate, we only live once and there's a million things that I still want to do and enjoy.
Posted 8/21/2006 6:09 PM (GMT 0)

miclillace said...
I was supposed to go back to my doctor yesterday for my first psychotherapy but I didn't go. I know I had to because the meds she gave me were just enough until yesterday. I was feeling ok after 3 days of taking Cymbalta although the side effects were really uncomfortable and I was feeling sleepy most of the time. At least, I didn't feel extremely sad.

A part of me wanted to know if I could continue feeling better without help from a doctor or meds. I told a couple of friends about me seeing a doctor and her diagnosis and they both asked me if I really need that. I know that people see me as laid-back type, carefree and adventurous kind and they would never think that it's possible for me to be clinically depressed. It's probably one of the reasons why I managed to somehow be stable. I know I need help, but I still can't accept that I really do (partly believing how others perceive me). Certainly I don't want to drown myself in sadness anymore.

Am I making any sense here? It's just so hard to deal with this when noone's really supportive. I wanted to tell my parents but I know they would just say that it's a waste of money and that I'm just going overboard. Your thoughts/comments or anything would really help. Thanks!

Your parents and friends are people who care about you but that doesn't mean that they understand what you are going through.  When someone asks, "Do you really need that?" it is a judgment based question that comes from not understanding.  If they really understood what is going on for you they would never ask the question and probably would drive you to the appointment.

You said, "...a part of you wanted to know if I continue feeling better without help from a doctor or meds"... You already know the answer to that because you went to the doctor in the first place.  If the meds helped you and they are gone now the likelyhood is that you will not continue to feel better.

You are making sense to everyone of us here in that we understand your struggle.  However, it does not make sense to continue to feel so overwhelmingly sad when you don't have to.  Please go to the doctor.

Posted 8/21/2006 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
You will find that support is a rare thing. But that has nothing to do with you, or who you are as a person -it's not personal.

Nobody wants to talk about winding up in a wheelchair due to some kind of accident. 'Cause we all know -even subconsiously- it's possible, it can happen to anyone, and it can come out of nowhere. That's uncomfortable, it makes you feel unsafe, unprotected, unsecure. Nobody wants to feel those things. So we don't talk about it and secretly hope it doesn't happen to us.

Now when you're talking about the realm of the mind, you're getting into an area like that -but it's a hundred times worse, 'cause our mind is who we are. If i lose my legs i'm still me; but if my mind is effected (or damaged), i might not be me anymore i might lose (part of) myself. NOBODY wants to contemplate that. It makes a person feel far too vulnerable. And nobody wants to feel that vulnerable. But even subconsciously, we all know it happens. The mind can go haywire, and the common person doesn't know how or why -science barely knows. Messing with a person's identity is very deep stuff. And it's simply too scary and too unpleasent to think about. And that is why support is rare, and understanding or compassion even moreso.
It's not about you, it's just a basic human reaction.

Unfortunately, so is loneliness.


anon,
Poet
Posted 8/22/2006 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
I know I'm being stubborn here but I still haven't gone back to my doc. My parents and siblings came over for the weekend (and will still be here until tomorrow night) and I think I'm getting a good distraction. I got three side jobs to work on until next week before I start with a new company so I'm being pretty busy putting up a show.

I'm usually happy and easy when I'm around people and I can say that I hardly exert effort to be that fine. But when I am by myself, that's when the fact that I actually have this overwhelming sadness hits me. It's like I barely know me and I hate myself for that. Why can't I just be simply happy, alone or not, or normal like everyone else? Have any of you felt that way?

And thinking of possible justification for such behaviour just drives me crazy. For years, I've been trying to act as a shrink to myself. I wish I could just shut down my brain and just breathe without thinking. People say I have this uncanny ability to complicate the simplest thing. I know it's crazy but I think this bizarre way of thinking causes my depression. An ex-bf even joked that I could be a refurbished God's creation that's why I'm being unstable...
Posted 8/22/2006 7:52 PM (GMT 0)

miclillace said...
I know I'm being stubborn here but I still haven't gone back to my doc. My parents and siblings came over for the weekend (and will still be here until tomorrow night) and I think I'm getting a good distraction. I got three side jobs to work on until next week before I start with a new company so I'm being pretty busy putting up a show.

I'm usually happy and easy when I'm around people and I can say that I hardly exert effort to be that fine. But when I am by myself, that's when the fact that I actually have this overwhelming sadness hits me. It's like I barely know me and I hate myself for that. Why can't I just be simply happy, alone or not, or normal like everyone else? Have any of you felt that way?

And thinking of possible justification for such behaviour just drives me crazy. For years, I've been trying to act as a shrink to myself. I wish I could just shut down my brain and just breathe without thinking. People say I have this uncanny ability to complicate the simplest thing. I know it's crazy but I think this bizarre way of thinking causes my depression. An ex-bf even joked that I could be a refurbished God's creation that's why I'm being unstable...

You just said all you need to know about getting help.

1.  Distraction - These things that "keep you happy" are not your life, they are distractions

2. When you are alone, you are not happy.  That is probably your body's physical way of telling you that your emotions/mental wellbeing/brain need help

3.  You are being stubborn (your word, not mine).  Right now you are able to dance faster than the music but eventually the tempo will pick up and your feet won't be able to catch up. 

You seem like a proactive person to me.  You have the time now to get help before you are in total crisis.  Please let your heart and mind listen to what your body is already saying.

Posted 8/23/2006 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Miclillace, I totally agree with stronglady here.  It seems that you’re over analyzing the reasons that you may be feeling this way.  Let me ask you...what harm is there in going to see the doctor again and speaking to them about these things that you’re feeling?  Let him try to explain to you how he believes your treatment should go.  There are many different types of depression, and some of us can be very and sad depressed and extremely functional in everyday life at the same time.  You have nothing to lose by going back to the doctor and everything to gain....
Posted 8/23/2006 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
You're right, I really should go back and ask him all the questions that have been bugging me all these years. I've never really talked to anyone who have clinical depression because in where I live (Philippines), nobody really takes depression seriously unless one could no longer function. If it weren't through the net, I would never find out that feeling constantly sad/depressed actually requires professional help.
I'll really see my doc this week. Thanks guys!
Posted 8/23/2006 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Mic, as a new member here, I am not totally familiar with your situation. All I can go by is what you have posted in this thread.

It appears that you have a problem with the whole "stigma" of seeing a psychiatrist and with being on antidepressants. The way I look at it, it is as simple as seeing a Dr. when you don't feel well, and he/she giving you a prescription for something that will make you feel better.

I'll assume that if you get a headache, that you would take some type of headache meds i.e. Tylenol, Advil, Bayer...But if you had a migraine or even a bad cold or cough that OTC meds fail to do the job, you would not hesitate to go to your Dr and say "I've got this cough that I can't get rid of" He/she writes you out a script, you go to the pharmacy, get it filled, take the meds, stop coughing, feel better.

It's basically the same thing. You don't feel well, see the Dr. He/she gives you a script, you get it filled, you feel better.

Don't worry the Pharmacist or pharmacy staff, whatever you are getting filled, they have seen it before, and much worse, and they don't make any judgments. I practically live at the pharmacy between my wife and my meds hee hee. They all know me by name and it is a huge grocery store pharmacy.

So please see the Dr. Get your meds. Feel better.
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