Loosing my Wife

Hello

My wife was diagnosed with clinical depression about three years ago. She has been seeing a councilor for about the same amount of time and has seen her family doctor on a regular bases. She is taking 75mg of Effexor 3 times a day and has been for over two years.

She is telling me that she was very depress while growing up but thought that she had gotten over that period in her life. She has been getting worse now for the last 8 months. She believes that she never will overcome her depression and can no longer love or be happy. Our marriage is dieing, I love her very much and I am willing to stay with her for as long as is takes but she continues to worsen and has told the doctor that she has thought about taking her own life on many different occasions.

I do not know what to do to help her, does anyone have any ideas or have been through this with a spouse?

This is difficult to say but I need to say it, A very dear friend of mine had depression for over 10 years. He would mention suicide to someone and they would take him to the psych hospital where they would admit him, they tried him on different medications. The last time he seemed fine, he laughed and he had no signs of depression. I went to see a movie with him that week and we had pizza that night. The next day he killed himself. No one expected it. Everyone said, he seemed so peaceful, he must allready have had it planned and made his peace. We all felt guilty because we didn't see the warning signs. Now I know to be aware of sudden changes, good or bad.
We are here for you, and for her.

Hi Loyalist -- welcome to HW!

You are being so strong for your wife, but she needs to know that it's time for *her* to be strong and face this properly. -- I know this is easier said than done, but it *is* possible -- as so many here are testament to: people with depression are ill, not stupid or weak. Your wife needs to be honest with you and her doc, and not just tell you all these things about not taking meds and taking her life, etc. and leave you to deal with that whilst she doesn't *do* anything about it. If the doc's not paying attention, she *has* to see a doc that will. If she's not telling her doc everything, she *has* to start being completely honest. It's quite clear that she needs her meds reviewing from what you've said. Sorry if this sounds harsh: I've actually been dealing with a similar situation myself, and have now realised that *something* has to change and that sometimes "tough love" is the best love. I know you're probably worried what being firm with her will do to your relationship (I was), but carrying on like this is, as you say, eating away at your marriage anyway. And, in my experience, these fears are unfounded: the strength to put your foot down and challenge her will help her in the long run, and done with caring and reinforcement of your love she will know that this is not you abandoning or judging her.

I've also suffered from depression a lot (am currently on meds), so I speak kind of from both sides of this. Fundamentally I see it this way: neither of us care that our partner is depressed -- we love them and want to help; but we do care when they stop helping themselves, or do things that *will* make things worse (and on some level they *know* they are doing these things). Now that I've been up front with my partner about how I see things, I'm working on a kind of "reward" system: when he does things that will help him, I tell him how strong he is and how proud I am of him for facing this stuff and how he's not alone; when he does things that don't help, I challenge it (not meanly, but firmly). I started doing this after I read something that pointed out that all behaviour relates to "reward": if we continue to (explicitly or implicitly) approve our loved ones' self-destructive behaviour, we can't expect them to feel any urgency to stop.

I hope this doesn't seem too harsh. -- I really do mean it to help!!!!

Take care.
Rosie x

To everyone thanks for your thoughts and replies. I have been keeping count of her medication and I have discovered that she is still not taking it as prescribed. I have been somewhat reluctant in being too forceful with her for fear that I might get her too upset. She does not like talking about this and when we do she always changes the subject.

Just last week she told me that she has just now realized how bad her depression is and says that this is who she is and always will be. I believe that she is surrendering to the depression rather then accepting and trying to deal with it. Her sister has always thought that my wife was not telling her doctor everything that was wrong. I tend to believe this now myself. She might be afraid to tell all for fear of being hospitalized.

I am going to see a doctor myself, my father passed away last month and with all that is going on right now I feel that I could use the help in dealing with some of this. My wife and I have not been close for about two years and while we were out of town for the funeral she all of a sudden became the women that I first married. We started hugging and kissing and talking like we use to. This went on for two weeks then it all stopped as fast as it had started. I ask her when she had her change of heart is she meant it and she told me that she did. Now she has explained it all away as just being an emotional time and the closeness was just a basic human need. She stills tells me that she meant it at the time but now she feels guilty for being close to me. She believes that she does not deserve to feel happy or love.

All of that has really messed me up, just when I thought that our lives had made a change for the better it all ended. Right now I am at a total loss and I think that by seeing someone it will help me to better understand what is going on. We had been working hard in building our relationship and now it is right back to where it was.

Loyalist, I completely know what you are going through. I love a wonderful man who is trying very hard to recover but believes that he does not deserve to be happy and loved. It is so difficult when you have all this love to give and the one you want to give it to won't let themselves accept it. Depression is only a small part of my hubsband's struggle at this point but I know it makes everything more difficult. Sometimes I want to tell him to just get out of his own way but it is easy to say looking from the outside in.

We had the same experience of having a period of time when all of these things seemed to melt away and it was amazing. Then they all came crashing back to us. I don't have any words of wisdom for you as we are still struggling with this ourselves. I miss him but I know that he is in there and I won't give up.

Interestingly enough we also are better when we are out of town. I suppose that is because being out of town is an escape from many of the regular stressors work, family life, bills, money (or the lack of money)... There aren't any answers for that one, just continuing to do the best we can.

I have my own story with depression and recovery so I do know what that is all about (at least for me). I want to say that I think getting some counselling for yourself is very important. Caretaking is very difficult and it takes its own toll on you, your energy, your emotions and your mental state. Therapy will be a good support for you as your continue this journey because you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else.

Thanks again to everyone. I made my first counseling session and it went well. We seemed to hit it off so I am going back again next week, lots to talk about.

There seems to be a change taking place in my wife. She is telling me that she believes that her depression is much worse then she thought and that her doctor is not telling her the truth about how bad things really are with her. She thinks that the doctor is hiding this from her to protect her from the truth. I told her that she should ask her doctor about this and hear what he has to say.

Not sure what to think about all of this. She has always liked this doctor and has defended him when I ask her if she ever thought about a second opinion. I do not understand why she is just now thinking that he is holding back. Does anyone think that it may be a good idea to call her doctor and let him know what is taking place? She has not taken her meds for the last 4 days now and she tells me that she is but the count has not gone down.

This may be a silly idea but what if you were to crush her medication in food and bring it to her that way she would eat it and the medication would do it's job.

I do agree with atedogs too, talk to her doctor about what is going on.

Do you two have children? If so this must be even more pressure on both of you.

It is obvious how much you love your wife and good for you seeking therapy for your own needs. It is difficult when dealing with a depressed spouse, it messes with your head in ways not too many can understand unless you are in the situation itself.

Do take care of you too. As atedogs has already said, have a peaceful weekend.

Hi Loyalist,

*Really* glad you took this step and saw your wife's doc. I guess it is hard for a doc to know what the symptoms are if they assume that meds prescribed are not being taken and they don't realise it. You're right, though, someone with experience in this area would know better to ask all the questions. Withdrawal from Effexor is really rough (for some more than others). Maybe armed with this knowledge your wife's doc can talk to her about this and hammer home the importance of taking the meds. I tend to agree, though, that your wife would do better going to a specialist. Maybe she will listen if you broach the subject (there were signs that she was open to this before, right?), and if not perhaps her regular doc could suggest it for you (she must know the limits of her own expertise in such cases).

I think that recognising how serious this is and rethinking your approach, alongside your wife's sisters (which is great), is an important step, and I wish you all luck with this. Stay strong: sometimes it can be painful taking steps towards helping a loved one because they may fight it and feel (*at the time*) that they are being betrayed: it's *not* betrayal and your wife *will* one day realise how much you helped to effectively save her life.

Rosie x

My dear wife is now telling me that she realizes that she is depressed and she knows there is help available for her but she is choosing not to get the help. She has on the other hand started taking her medication. We had a long talk about all of this and she told me that she is not wanting the help because she wants to stay the way she is. The medication she told me is keeping her from having thoughts of suicide and that is why she is going to take it. She told me that she wants me to stay in the home but only as her friend and not as her husband.

When I asked her why she does not want to get help her answers were rather vague and she really was not able to tell me anything. My thoughts are that she is not wanting the help because she may be afraid of finding the answers to why she is depressed. These answers may be something that she believes to be very painful even more then how she feels now.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do for her.