Feeling terribly alone

i hope so, i too ahve trouble going to chruch b/c people begin to sak me how i am feeling and i dont want to tell them...so i say ok, the nthey say why havnt you been here?

i know how you feel

I want to thank everyone for your responses. They really do mean alot to me. The truth is, I am causing my own lonely and depression. I have been hugging the line of do I want to live or die for a long time. Maybe alot of people do this, I don't know. From time to time, mainly from when I had a migraine I would stop taking my anti-depressants until I got so low I thought I finally might be able to end it and then I would push myself to take my medicine and would feel better.

The last time I took my meds was the end of July. The day after the last time I spoke to my therapist. She was on medical leave and something deep inside told me I would never see her again. She was telling me that she wanted me to see a therapist friend of hers to make sure I had someone to talk to and I just shut down. I started crying and told her please I don't want to lose you. She started crying and said she didn't want to lose me either...I haven't taken my medicine since. She died two weeks ago. I am seeing her friend and finally opened up to her the last visit.

I am going to church tomorrow morning. I tried Saturday night service, but only 20 or so people were there so it was more like a bible study and since I have been gone for a couple of years it just felt wierd. My daughter gets off work at 7:30AM after working at the hospital all night. She said she will try and go with me. Maybe it will help. My mouth is still pretty sore, so won't be able to sing to much...

I know I should take my meds. I shouldn't cut or burn myself. I should want to live. I don't know whats wrong with me. I had so much abuse in my life that is done, it's over, but I feel worse now then I think I did then. I don't remember feeling much then. I just hate feeling like this all the time. My one time when I get away from it lately is work. I go into work mode and know I need to lead a team to get our project accomplished. I just do it and push the feelings away. By the time I get home I am exhausted. Can't keep the face up anymore.

Sorry for rambling, thanks for listening.

Well, I went to church today. It was wierd. Alot less people there than had attended before. I walked in with a father and daughter. I had worked with the father with youth activities in the past. He asked how I was and the family. Told him we were divorced and where my ex and son live...He didn't say much after that. I sat down and recognized a few people. Sang, although my mouth started getting sore and you know, they had some new songs so I didn't know them all..Then they said they wanted us to split up into prayer groups. They don't usually do this and they had to pick today to do it. So, I look around, got brave and headed down the isle looking for a prayer group. Said hi to a few people, told them I was looking for a prayer group when I spotted someone I used to sit by. She looked up and gave me a hug, asked where the family was and I said It's just me. She said come on your joining our prayer group (thank goodness). Everyone is standing in a circle, don't know most of the people and they ask for prayer requests. I told them I had one, but would need their help. That I wanted to pray for a friend of mine who had passed away family, but I was afraid I would be crying to much to get the prayer out (I was already crying by now). They said ok, got the other requests and then started praying. They prayed for Marion's family first, I cryed more. The person who had brought me to the group prayed for me. Thanked God for bringing me back to their church for giving me the courage to come and prayed that the congregation would make me feel comfortable. Her words touched me. I plan to go back next weekend.

 There, you have taken a step forward .... why does it feel that we fight so hard and then we just slip back .... i too have been on medication and have let it slip, ran out of tablets and almost can not find the strength to go get a prescription for more . you have inspired me .. i will get my medication tomorrow if its the only thing i do.

 

I have only just joined the forum and already i have been inspired by 2 different people. You, every single word I have read has already made me feel better. Well done for going to church and thank you x