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Depressed/Gulit because my teenagers live w/my "x" husband

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Posted 8/29/2006 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
When I remarried two years ago, my teenagers decided that they wanted to stay w/their dad instead of moving to a new town 2.5 hours away with me and their new stepdad. I completely understand because at this stage in their life, high school and friends are their number one priority. But I am totally depressed and can't seem to get over the guilt and miss them like crazy. I have been on Zoloft for two years and it seems to do okay. But I still cry alot whenever I think about what all I am missing in my girls daily life. I see them often, we talk and IM each other almost daily! But its still not the same.....Does anyone out their have this problem? I feel like I am the only Mom in the world in this situation. My guilt and sadness just won't go away.
Posted 8/29/2006 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi AdvertisingLady,

Welcome to HW!

I'm so sorry this has happened in your life -- you must miss them terribly. I don't have kids, so can only begin to imagine. I just wanted to send you hugs and a big welcome. Someone will turn up with better insight on this, I guarantee it. I hope you will find lots of support here.

Take care,

Rosie x
Posted 8/29/2006 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hi I am in a simalar situation. I lost custody of my two boys when they were 12 and 17. The 21 year old now,
just got evicted in another state with no job. My younger son 16 is staying with his mom locally. ...but...she is unemployed and is facing a simular deleima. I was homeless for over a year and now live with and care for my aging parents. The way I figure it is that we can't be everything to everybody...When I told my substance abuse counselar I felt guilty because I can't take care of my kids he simply said "who do you thing was taking care of them when you were out drinking"....meaning that just because I have changed and care doesn't mean they have. It's tough. Just try to make any time you spend together quality time.
a deseased 45 year old bald man with no car, lives with his mom and has superman sheets, but I am smiling as I type this!
Posted 8/30/2006 4:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, As a survivor of the child side of this situation I would like to say it is miserable for everyone. When I (we ) were with our mother we missed our dad. When we were with our father we missed our mother. Adding step parents on both sides added a lot of stress all around. Enjoy their growth the best you can. They love you. Be sure to have a place for them if they ever need it and keep the lines of communication open. I know you are. Take care. The times that got tough were always eased with daydreams of the good times. It didn't change anything but it took the sting away for a while.
Posted 8/30/2006 4:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi

You should not feel guilty you are still there for them everyday IM, and talking you are still their Mom and they are still your children as long as there is communication your relationship with your children is fine. You should tell them how you feel though
Posted 8/30/2006 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi advertisinglady, I wanted to welcome you to healing well forum, we are happy to have you.  I can understand your kids wanting to stay in their same school and with their same friends.  And it does seem that you have a close relationship with them which is good.  Perhaps it is also good that you are allowed to have this time with your new husband alone to get settled in and adjusted to life with each other.  When I was a kid we moved a few times during my middle school and early high school years and it was difficult getting adjusted...from the kids stand point.  As for the crying often it can be just sadness which is expected or could be some depression, you may want to speak to your doc and see if an adjustment in your Zoloft may be in order to help with that.  We are always here so please feel free to post often we would love to hear more from you.  Take care
Posted 8/30/2006 4:54 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you guys so much for the posts.  Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. My "x" and I share custody of our teenagers and they get along great with my new husband.  We have a nice home, pets, and they have pretty rooms they decorated. 

Before I got remarried all of us went to a family counselor, individually and together. She was a big help to me - she said leaving my girls would be like grieving, but I had no idea I would still feel so sad fo so long. It is uncomfortable trying to explain to new people WHY me girls don't live with me.   I kow its hard for the girls to explain this to their friends as well. When I am in their hometown and run into old friends, I can just hear them saying - there goes the mom who left her girls :(

To IFIXIT - thank you for replying. I have a ?  Do you still harbor any ill feelings toward your mom for leaving? That is one of my greatest fears - that they will never forgive me for leaving........

sorry this is so long.......

Posted 8/30/2006 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
AL - You don't owe an explanation to anyone for your life and the choices you have made. It sounds like the counselor was very helpful pre-move time. Perhaps that same counselor could assist you and your girls in coming up with a way for all of you to address the uncomfortable questions that you get? If you all have a united response that works for all of you it will be difficult for others to judge you.

The other piece I want to say is that no one can tell you how long to grieve. Grief is personal and intimate. The truth is that you are missing a time in the life of your girls that you thought you would be ther for. That is not a judgment just a statement. You are the only one who will know when that grieving period is over or lightening up. What you are feeling is appropriate and you don't need to feel guilty for what you feel.
Posted 8/31/2006 4:30 AM (GMT 0)

Hi AL,

The whole situation with my parents is pretty simple. I don't know why they got divorced. I hold them both responsible with an equal share in the outcome. My mother has asked multiple times to be allowed to tell her side of the story. I have refused to allow it. My reasoning in this has been that if I listen to her side, then by rights I should hear my fathers story. Then I would be in a position of deciding who was wrong . It would solve nothing and probably dredge up hurts and feelings better left alone. I don't hold a grudge for either of them. I do wonder what life would be like if???? Take care Jer

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