new and scared

I am only 18 years old and i feel as if my life is beginning to end. its pretty much done.

I am having withdrawls which totally sucks but there is nothing i can do. I have no money to purchase any more and i have no ideas of how to fix my issues.

I have been depressed since i was 14 never put onto any meds until recently.

My past history includes being a runaway, i move from place to place every 6 months. I hate it.

I was also addicted to cocaine and ecstacy for a couple of years. about a year ago i quit doing drugs after i saw my best friendd overdosing on a date rape drug that was placed in our drinks without knowing.

I also drank ALOT!!! everyday for a year i was drunk every day i would wake up take my little brothers to school go home sleep wake up get ready and go drink. I did this non stop everyday for a year until my bestfriend(the one who was overdosing on GHB) got pregnent. I had to stop than well i tried i drank alone for a while purchasing mikeys and placing them beside my bed. When i didnt drink i was on the verge of killing someone. I was so mean to my siblings. They annoyed me they ruined my life. I felt as though my mom had them to punish me i raised these kids. Now looking back i realize how much i hurt them.

When i was 14 i ran away from home for 2 years i lived in another province. Never talked to my mom during that time. When i moved back i was still having all these issues. Im sorry if this doesnt make sense. It doesnt make sense to me either.

I lived with my mother for a short time before i got kicked out and moved about 20 more times in the past year. MY mother well she wont let me see my little siblings i love them with all my heart and sole. I never once hit them as much as i hated them i loved them. I would never hurt them. My mother wont let me see them and she knows thats the only way she can hurt me. Its the only way i will deal with everything shes done in the past. I know i am making her seem to be the bad guy i know i did wrong but i know that if she wasnt the way she was everything would be ok. I dont know im so messed up right now i cant even think straight nothing is making anysense to me. .I just keep typing and \words come out. Things i needed to get out but havent because i dont know how or who to tell. I do not care anymore i just want this to stop I want my family i want happiensss i think if you can make sense of this you have a lot of skills but thanks for reading. Even if you do not understand any of this it wont matter because You STILL cared enough to read and try and make sense of it.

Post Edited By Moderator (Victoria) : 9/1/2006 4:13:55 PM (GMT-6)

Kala, I am so sorry. In re-reading your post and my answer I realized that I was not very comforting. I want to help others deal with depression but I do not seem to know the right things to say. I know that when I am feeling as you do I don't want stock answers. I want understanding and help. I cannot imagine all you have been through in your short life. I also know you are severly depressed. You must be a very tough person just to have survived the life you have had. You are stronger than you think. I hope someone who has more experience will reply to you. I do care and will keep you in my prayers. Jeanne

Hi Kala,

Welcome to the healing well forum. You have been through so much so young and I'm sorry you are going through this.
Have you got a free clinic in your area where you can talk to someone about your med situation? If you can recieve some sort of counselling I think that could really benefit you. Im from the UK so Im not sure how the system works with us with regards ti cost of treatment etc and what you can get for free.
I do wish you all the best and I would love for you to keep posting on the forum - we are happy to have you here.

Keep in touch

Thank you all so much i cant stop crying because for once i feel like maybe some people do understand me.

I thought about getting help and going to a counsellor but i have a hard time when it comes to liking those people im not gonna talk to a lady or man who has never dealt with anything that i have. It just feels weird. I also dont like the idea of talking to them i feel like im burdening them i feel awful.

Yes i recovered from drug and alcohol abuse but i really wish that i had never had to turn to that stuff. I wanted a normal life with friends and family but i never got those.

My mother tried to keep me in a bubble and it wasnt a good bubble I hate her for that and never had a life i think thats why i started to become the person i did.

I know my siblings will come to me one day...but i cant help but think that my mother and other family members would turn them against me. Make them hate me there so young.


Thank you once again i do feel a little bit better.

Kala just keep writing until it is all out. Writing is theraputic and helps tremendously and don't be afraid to speak openly here...I am a newbie myself but I find this place a wealth of help and support....Stopping any addiction is hard, especially if you are doing it alone...I am proud of you for stopping the addictive behaviors that is great and deserves a great pat on the back....
I also agree that you should seek a counselor to talk with, one that will support you and help you build positive things in your life...

And i know im not alone i have a wonderfull boyfriend and now you guys and its the greatest feeling in the world to know theres people who care. and want to be there :D

thanks again

Oooh, Kala -- I *love* CSI (original and Miami -- not really got into the NY one)! So glad you were having a nice evening with your bf and baby cat (aaahh -- I want one!!). I'm so glad too that your day ended with this nice stuff and a feeling of happiness. -- That's the great pay-off of depression -- for all its bad, when it lifts, even in places, we get a kind of double joy that we'd never know without having experienced it. You can't beat those times. :) I hope they continue to grow in number for you hun.

How are you today? -- I know progress can be slow and that things can change quickly -- so don't worry, I'm not *expecting* you to be all cheery, just celebrating the moments of respite that you've had and wishing you a whole accummulation of them.

Rosie x

Hi Kala,

Yup, with you on the CSI front -- Grissom is the best! (Bug man!)

Oh, naughty cat. Still, I think cats know when you're not feeling good and reckon this lil' one is probably trying to make you feel better -- if in a quite anoying and unhelpful way! Definitely loves its new mamma!!

Cherish that man of yours -- he sounds wonderful. I'm so glad you have him in your life to give you that warmth! Yes, you're right: they are *very* few and far between!!

Just saw your a-p post. Having read the above I'm now even *more* sure that you took your anxiety (about having a panic attack) into your dream and that's why it played out like it did. As I said in my reply to that post, please know that this was not real and that your dream was just playing out your big fear at the moment. Chances are that was it and you won't keep getting bothered by these. And you're still alive so you know that they are to be feared less for that.

Hope the gym trip works, or worked, wonders on your anxiety levels. Yes, endorphins are great friends to get on board! Have some hugs too (((Kala))) -- and get a few off your lovely fella.

Love to you,
Rosie x

Well Kala, from what I can tell, you're a lovely person, and your bf is just as lucky to have you as you are to have him. I think you, your bf and baby cat make a lovely lil' family! I know that the depression can sometimes make you feel worthless and think that others shouldn't waste their time on you, but trust that your bf knows his mind: if he wanted to leave, he would, and the fact that he's with you and comes up and gives you big hugs and stuff means he really loves you and it's as good for him as it is for oyu to be a round the person he loves.

I agree about pets. -- I'd *love* a lil' cat of my own, but I live in rented accommodation and no pets allowed. Poop. I do get to go and play with my parents' and sister's cats though -- and my parents cat (Chilli) *definitely* loves me best (tee hee -- he's such a tart: always comes to me and sprawls himself on the ground for his belly rub!)

Rosie x

Kayla, WOW did you come to the right place.  All of this makes sense because it is a story that many people here share in various degrees.  Here you will find support and hopefully comfort.  While I share the depression experience I do not share the drug issues and will not try to counsel you but rather let others who have walked that road do so.  I do however have some perspectives to offer that I  hope might help.

I don't know your mum and you so I wouldn't even try to counsel you on that experience.  I will however tell you about my experience with my husband's brother and his mother.  Brother turned out to be a pedephile and I cut him off from our family as soon as we found out because we had a small child.  Now you might think that is a resonable response but I caught all kinds of flack and grief from the family about it. There were willing to say, "Oh poor________," and not recognize that it was about my kids and their safety.  As an adult Poor _________ made his choices.  When we married my mother-in-law was a drinking alcoholic.  When we can kids she made my pregnancy very difficult (long story) but she also stopped drinking after our first child was born.  I did let her see the kids but never unsupervised because we didn't know if she was drinking again or not and part of her personality as an alcoholic was very manipulative.  I guess what I am saying is that these were tough decisions to make but they had only and solely to do with the safety and wellbeing of my kids.  I wasn't angry and Mother-in-law I was just taking care of my kids.  I am guessing that your mother doesn't know how to trust you because there is a lot she doesn't understand.  What you feel toward her is true and valid and I won't tell you to feel otherwise, only that some sort of mutual understanding will have to occur if you are both to ever change this. 

The other thing that I want to say is that there are many prescription assistance programs available from drug companies.  It is against the rules to post links here but if you email me I can send you some links that might help you with the medications you need.

Walk in harmony,

Kala--I think I have figured it out finally. You are upset because of the situation with your Mom and her not allowing you to see your siblings. Well girl guess what--you are not going to change your mother and you do not need her to be the person you are. You are a very loving and caring woman. If you have made repeated attempts to connect with your mother and you are still in a turmoil then I would suggest that you move on with your life without her input. This is not really a good time for you to be dealing with these issues when you are withdrawing from a medication. Your world is turned upside down right now. You can be selfish and take care of yourself first. You owe yourself that, and you deserve it. When you are in a better place in your mind you will find life much easier to deal with.

You can trust me on this--if you do not like yourself then you have to fix that first of all, or you will always be depending on someone else to make you happy. I know because for years I have had major depression and have taken every known antidepressant on the market plus psychotherapy and ECTtreatments. I never have been happy with myself. My parents reinforced the idea that I was stupid. I married at 19 for all the wrong reasons and we have managed to make it work for 43 years. I love my husband very much and he is good to me but I often wish that we could go back and start over with me knowing who I am before we married. I am sure it would have been an easier relationship if I were a stronger person. Just hang on honey and find a community mental health clinic to help with your meds and then move forward by forgiving yourself for all of your past mistakes (we have all made mistakes we regret) and realizing that you ARE a survivor and also a good person. I am not up on all the latest things (senior citizen and all) and I really don't like cats (sorry, but I have asthma) but I do care about you and so do many others.

My youngest son and his wife are coming for overnight tomorrow. Best of all they are bringing my two smallest grandchildren 7 and 5. They and thier three other cousins (children of my older son and his wife) are the lights in my life (plus, good deal here--I am not allergic to them). Hope your labor day weekend contains some joy too.

Thanks rosie...i know that im alot like my mother...thats why my grandparents hate me because i remind them of my mother when she was younger...yay???

I have heard * Kayla you have so much potential if only you put your mind into it* a million times now and i still dont see it but hopefully if others can see it one day soon i will be able to.

Ya my whole family loves animals so someone got one like every other month *usually my little sister*

So sad i hope you cook a nice meal for you family!!! MAKE SURE TO HAVE MASHED POTATOES! lol
I know i cant fix things with my mom and that they wont ever be *Great* i just really wish that they would...as much as i hate her i still need her in my life...I need family in my life.
hhh
I stopped talking to my older sister because of my mother.....my mother made me lie....and i cant lie i hate lieing so after i told her these lies...i called her back and told her the truth and got into a huge fight with both sides mother and sister. But the great thing is is my mom only hates me sometimes...i can always manage to sneak back in before she loses it on me for nothing.. Or something of my past.
So sad im so HAPPY that you said those things...that people actually do care....and i hope that you have a total BLAST with your family.....

Ya im 18 and was at one point that popular person....ah so im up to date LOL ok no not really up to date...to much to follow!! You should get a hairless puppy!! :D

wow your so sweet i dont know what to say but im always happy to read what you have to say because even if its just for a moment it makes me fell alot better.
I know im strong im still alive right? Im still going on with daily things...i just need to get stronger and find my center.