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Posted 9/2/2006 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
 

Hi.  I thought I'd join a message board that provided support for depression.  I have suffered from Chronic Depression for 10 yrs but I can track my bouts of depression back to 12 yrs of age.  I'm a Social Services Caseworker in Toronto. 

I've always thought I could "manage" my depression.  I tried different meds, Paxil, Serzone, Zoloft and most recently, Effexor.  Except for the Paxil, (which made me worse so I got off them quickly) most of them work for awhile and then stop working.  We're going to see about the Effexor for now.  The reality of my illness hit me the other day when the Dr told me " Its not the meds, its not your job.. its not anything.. its YOU."   And it hit me,, without my meds.. I'm this depressed, confused, flakey puddle of anxiety and sadness and self loathing and this is who I'll always be without my meds.

I will never be able to function as a normal person unless I'm chemically supported.

You don't know how much that SUCKS to me. (or.. maybe you do)

I've taken a sick leave from work and I have to seriously consider whether I want to change my career, move out of the city or at the very least, change divisions.. All I want to do right now is sleep, ignore life and wallow in self pity.  However, I have a daughter I'm raising on my own and thats not an option.

I'm always going to be this illness.  Its overwhelming to me to know this.

I thought, maybe if i come here.. I can get the support and information  I need to start healing and accepting my fate and maybe learn how to manage it effectively.

 

Posted 9/2/2006 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Gitter63, Welcome to healing well, we are happy to have you.
We have a few things in common; I have had depression for many years most likely since I was a early teenager.  And I too worked in the Social Service field for quite a while.  I ran two Psychiatric Residential Care Facilities for over 11 years.  I have a BS in Psychology and am working on my Masters now.
It times it was overwhelming for me to manage my career and my depression at the same time.  I was also on various other medications Luvox, Zoloft, Prozac, Remeron some would work great and others were terrible. 
I do believe it is all in how you are able to balance it and manage your depression.  Unfortunately, I have usually had to hit rock bottom before I will change meds.  Last year I became physically ill with an autonomic disorder.  My Zoloft stopped working for me and I couldn’t keep up with the stressors in my life any longer so I quit my job which I loved greatly, and put school on hold for a while.  I started to see a psychiatrist who was a colleague and he changed my meds to Effexor and I have to say that it has helped me greatly.  I just hope it continues to work.
I used to worry about having to be on an antidepressant the rest of my life but then I realized that I am okay with that.  I would rather take a pill and try to do something to help myself feel better then live my life in a constant black hole like I was in.  I never want to go back there. 
I hope the Effexor works as well for you as it has for me.  Please do continue to post we would love to hear more from you....Take care

 

Posted 9/3/2006 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Elisha, just knowing someone who's been where I've been and made the choices I'm being forced to make is comforting. At this point, I"m going to see how the Effexor works and go from there.. one day at a time.
As for accepting the fact that I'll always be on meds, I'm getting there. Now I'm going to have to decide how to manage my depression and a career too. Its gonna be a tough haul.. but i've managed before and will again. Thanks for the supportive words.
Posted 9/3/2006 6:10 AM (GMT 0)

hi welcome to the board and you are not alone here.....

I too, have a M. S. Ed. in special education and worked with families of abused children from pre-k - 12th grade on a multilevel/multiage basis. I have done the IEP's and etc paperwork until it was coming out of my ears for years. A car wreck stopped me and left me with chronic pain from botched operations. maybe were it not for that i would still be wroking in the industry b/c i loved my job and thought I was doing some good at least b/c i knew gfrom my own crazy upbringing that it was something good i could do in my life.

You know, i cant spell so most of my postings are full of spelling errors.

I can understand your feelings. I have a very dysfunctional family and a half sister who does not talk to me ( in other posts of mine if you want to know why) who is also a social worker, but frankly i couldnt understand why she went in to that profession b/c to my mind you ahve to have some kind of compassion towards your fellow man which she did not.

anyways, you are not alone.....i too, will be on meds for the rest of my life ( aged 50 now) and it is not something I am happy about.

my depression stems from early upbringing sexual abuse and neglect/etc from s highly dysfunctional family. after I kinda sorta got over that i had a bad crash which left me victimzied by med doctors who performed a needless operation on my neck to churn me for my insurance card.

so there you have it in a nutshell. once i was 'helpable' by going back to school and getting my MS Ed and worked, now i can no longer work and am trying to deal with this.

I try to sell stuff on ebay, am agorphobic many days ( due to  the reality if i get into one more crash the docs pretty much told me I will be paralized as i have too much wrong with me there already) and have a hard time relating to people anyways after waht i have seen.

take care, and welcome

Posted 9/3/2006 9:11 AM (GMT 0)
Hi ,

Just wanted to welcome you to the healing well forum. I also tried many meds before I found the right one for me. I currently take lexapro and this helps with my anxiety and depression.
Has your doctor suggested any therapy for you, such as conselling? I have found that this helps me so much and would definatley recommend it.

Keep in touch and welcome here agin, keep posting and let us know how you are

Take care
Posted 9/3/2006 2:20 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning,
I like what I've read.
Depression can hit anybody, regardless of income, education, or status in society. Everywhere I go, there I am. I never heard of a geographic cure lasting. Depression can be a result of chemical actions, or imbalances that require medication. To say that I will always be on meds is not a positive outlook. A doctor once said that I would be on prednisone for the rest of my life, and I have been off it for ten years now with the disease in remission. I have found environment to be a factor. And it is not what happens to me, it's how I react to it......So I've been told. I work closely with my doctor, PHD psychiatry. for my meds. The causes and effects of the depression need to be understood. A honest look at ourselves helps, for example, I wrote down everyone who has hurt me, how and why I think they did, and what part I played in it if any. I realized they usually were hurt by me.
Anyway I recommend action such as you have taken such as joining this forum and other support groups. Ask that this day be a positive adventure and be thankful tonight.
Posted 9/3/2006 5:19 PM (GMT 0)
We do know how much that sucks. When I came to the same realization I left the doctor's office, went out to my car, closed the doors and screamed myself hoarse. I also beat the steering wheel (which is so unlike me) so hard that I bent it. Well, I won't say it worked for me but it did get the frustration out.

The thing is that you are a smart, experienced, educated person. If you were one of your clients what would you tell them? I think it is a natural reacation to want our situation to be different and if we don't acknowledge all the pieces of it then it will just go away (I am not saying you are in denial but this is a layered problem and process). You have taken some good first steps. Continue to look this square in the eye and continue to be in charge of it. Are you in therapy? If not, go to therapy and look honestly at what comes up there. It really can't hurt you more than you are hurting now. I too thought that I would always be medicated but I was pleasantly surprised that I am not on meds now. I know that my depression could come back (I have had 3 serious bouts with it in my 46 years) but I have also learned about my triggers so now I can usually see it coming and get help. I continue to work everyday to be the person that I want to be but I think that is something that can be said for every human, depressed or not.

Keep in touch, keep working
Posted 9/3/2006 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Wow.. thanks so much for the great words and support. I'm overwhelmed at how many people have gone through or are going through what I'm going through. For those who've asked.. yes I am starting therapy. The Dr is booked until October but i'm on the cancellation waiting list. I may get in a few sessions before then. In the meantime.. I'm going to focus on some positives. My daughter gets to have me home every day after school for the first time in her life. I'd like to do some volunteer work and get "out of my head" for a bit as well. And I plan on using these boards to get much needed advice and support. Thank you for the warm welcome.
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