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a poll how many suffered from dysfunctional families

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Depression
dysfunctional families caused your depression?
sexual abuse on you or sibling - 31.6% - 6 votes
drunken parents - 21.1% - 4 votes
absent parents from working too hard or left - 15.8% - 3 votes
divorced parents and new step parent didnt like - 10.5% - 2 votes
you became the parent 4 them-incompendent - 15.8% - 3 votes
moving all the time-unstable life - 5.3% - 1 votes
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Posted 9/1/2006 8:56 AM (GMT 0)
i myself have had a nutso family drunken father mother who was absent sexual abuse etc. how many of you out there came from families like this....
Posted 9/1/2006 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know anybody who had a perfectly wonderful Norman Rockwell type childhood...

As the old saying goes: We all spend our first 20 years learning to survive in our birth families, then the next 20 years getting over the damage and learning to survive in the real world.  Life, therefore, truly begins when we become our own person, around age 40.

Astrologers are more optomistic: One of the planets does a 14 year return, with major changes taking place anound those anniversaries.  They think we can "get it together" as functional adults around age 28. 

Interesting poll ... Thanks!  :-)

Posted 9/1/2006 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
i do know some wonderful families out there who did not have dsyfunctional families and were close, that is why i am asking to see how many of whom have been subjected to this kind of behaviors...

my cousins had a wonderful family life who  were from the same family orgin but had a different philosphy and outlook and so none of this appiled and their children are very happy healthy and have no issues and can function normally in life and are indpedent adults who are happy at aged 20

Posted 9/1/2006 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
My mom was with every guy that would give her a second look. Her and my younger brothers dad were both highly addicted to the internet and did nothing but take turns sitting and playing poker online everyday.

My step mother was a broad.

My entire family is dysfunctional. My brothers dad and my Older sister are in a relationship. YES thats right can you say insest. ???

I think every family out there has its problems no ones is perfect and if for one second you believe a family is like the brady bunch its a lie. They just hide there problems with no shame.
Posted 9/1/2006 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
kala so your step father is doing the nasty with your older sister?

this is incest.....how old is she and does your mom know this?

i had a step father who at aged for me 11 tried to molest me and did and i told my mother and in her twisted way oif thinking, she thought I SEDUCED HIM at aged 11.....

i dont think it gets much worse than that, and she threw me out of the hosue to boot for calling ME a liar i have not spoken to her in years, and SHE HAD A KID WITH HIM AFTER SHE KNEW I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY HIM AT AGED 42.....i told my half sisterwhen she was older about her father and what kinda man he was....

he later went on to divorce my mom AT aged 60 for some younger woman and ran off to llive in puerto rico.

my half sister doesnt like him and will not talk to me either b/c i am a reminder of what he to me and the family so they scapegoated me from the family.....

it really is a subject for jerry springer or oprah, i came from one of the worst families regarding abuse and neglect that i know of.

i barely had any one who cared about me. my real father was thrown out of the house b/c he drank and i was not allowed to see him after 11-12, and that iswhen my step father decieded that it was ok to abuse me and get away with it b/c i was most vurnable, my brothers were older and of no help....having no mom to speak of and no father or proper role model of a father i ran out of control as i am sur all of you can imagine, i didnt want to be in this family or household the only good taht came out of was my cousin in CAlly who was nice to me and after 20 odd yrs i am going to see her with my son, i have kept my  son away from everyone else in my family so they do not touch him and mentally abuse him either. so he has no grandparents on my side and he is 21 now and well adjusted compared to howe i was at aged 21.....

i consider him to be so far a success story, i dont knowwhat is going on insdie him personally he may have issues with girls b/c he doesnt date...or hasnt found someone at 21 that he really loves...i tried to talk to him and he doesnt want me involved in his personal life which is okay but he is getting ready to grad from college in dec and i have been a nice mom to him!!!

 

oh and by theway....as many families and folks who think there are no dysfunctional families out there, i know thre ar some nice families out there,,,remember why we come here to vent so let us not have our own opinions skewed into thinking that there are no nice families out there, b/c they do not post here if they are of no issues

Posted 9/1/2006 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
Missy i do not know what to say. People who can abuse a child in any matter need to be shot, im not even kiddiing they are the reason for so much pain in the world.

Jerry Springer would have a heart attack if he actually listened to TRUE REAL ****KED up lifes.

Yes my older sister who is 20 is doing the nasty with a man who donated his sperm for my brothers to be alive.

Missy i think its the best thing that you stopped talking to her, and other members of your family just imagine what things could be like.

When i moved to live with my dad when i was 15 my Step mothers father tried to sexually abuse me thankfully im not a pushover and i beat the crap out of him for trying. I told my dads mom and my dad what happened and they didnt believe me they thought it was a cry out for attention. RIGHHHHHHHHHHHT

As for your son hes 21 hes not 70 and not in love he may just be taking his time too find that girl that lives up to his standards so nothing to worry about.
Posted 9/2/2006 1:51 AM (GMT 0)

wow kala- i know how you must feel.... back then when it happened to me it was considered the worst secret you could have in a family and the social services were not geared up for people like me back in the late 60's early 70's....

i told people at school about it (counselors) but they turned a blind eye to it.

i told everyone about it but no one wanted to help me. i even ran away and told the police why i wanted to run away at 13 and they brought me back to my home!

i didnt want to go back there, everytime my step father walked into a room i walked out of it to be away from him, he played like the innocent one and tried to turn it around like i was the nuts one.

this was a very sick and disturbed family. i didnt ask to be born into this family and think my mother is and was mentally ill who tried to turn it around to make me look like the one who was causing all the problems sorry but it takes more than one person to upset a family.

i was sent to shrinks whom she paid them and it was a guy who she saw  herself so the shrink was on her side b/c she was paying him every week for me to go so that was a waste. what i needed was someone honest to turn to but found very little honesty as i grew up and got  frozen out of a family so i felt like an orphan to say the least, this had a very severe effect upon me, trust issues and men in general i could not trust.

i eventually found help and learned to grow up and go back to school and it took me to go back to school to learn that what happened to me and why i was depressed was owed to my family dynamics and i tried to help other kids with this. but it got so i could never get away from the feelings b/c i had seen so much of it amongst family's i was working with i had to give it up, i couldnt mentally get away from it ever, and i wanted to leave it behind as i felt bad for all the kids i was working with and wanted to care for them all but couldnt take on peoples problems b/c i had so much of my own to deal with....

so this is who i am at aged 50, i spent the majority of my life being 'victim conscieness' without knowing it and even now even if my mother said she was sorry to me it would not help me as  it will not wash off now.....my stepfather never paid for his crime agaisnt me. and i often wonder if he did this to me then how many others did he hurt also out there since he left my mother or since before he left her, and how could a woman who was married knowningly stay with a man who did this to her daughter and even have a baby wit hhim to boot?

she had plenty of her own money and that was not an issue. i just dont understand it. i talked to my cousins ( my mom had 3 sisters) the one who lives in ny, is about 2 yrs older than me. she says she was not molested by her father, he jsut never told her that he loved her, EVER. and was cold to her, her whole life. HER mother ( my mom's sister youngest) was picked on by my mom and my mom;s dad, and teased the crap outta her and made her feel unwanted in the family also, so my mom not only did this to me but she did  it to her sister, my dad, me, and her 3rd husband who at aged 80 just got kicked out of her home. she is 78 yrs old and sick with osteo and sprue and it is not like she can go into a bar to find another man to care for her! so she throws him out also. she used people her whole life and now i hope she can know how it feels to be alone at aged 78 and sick with noone around to care for her.

Posted 9/2/2006 3:00 PM (GMT 0)
Your past will always haunt you.

It is the worst thing in the world to go through all of that and still have to remember it., Your mother seems like a crazy bag and i guarantee that the day that she dies she will realize all that she did wrong and if she doesnt well than....shes more messed up than you think.

Have you ever asked her what went wrong when she was a child in order for her to hurt you the way that she did? she seems to be very milicious.

And that step father i DISPISE people like him.

You were a youth counsellor?? Im sure that you touched alot of peoples hearts by going into there home and trrying to help.

Your not a robot so of course you were going to feel and cry and be so frusterated because you cant do more than your job title allows you to do.

I really want to be a youth counsellor but i know if i tried i would be trying to take all those kids away so they dont have to go through pain, kids are innocent and deserve so much more than most familys give them .

SHRINKS  they dont care they just want the money and enjoy making the sound uh huh so how does that make you feel.

When ever a counsellor asked me that i felt like shoving my fist down there throat.

*SHAKES FIST*

Post Edited By Moderator (Victoria) : 9/3/2006 3:21:39 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/2/2006 6:03 PM (GMT 0)
I have really come to think that all families are dysfunctional, it is just a matter of how and to what degree.  None of your scenarios fit my story.  I wasn't physically or sexually abused, my parents have been married fro 53 years, I had enough food, a safe place to live and was always safe.  I still have issues from my childhood and I can see how they came from my mother's childhood.  I was a ghost in my family, the third child and an unplanned one.  My dad had a very busy job but was a wonderful father and always made sure that he had time with the family.  My mother was overwhelmed with three small children all right in a row and she just didn't know how to be a warm and fuzzy mom.  By the time she got to me, she didn't have a whole lot left to give.  Her parents were distant or seriously ill much of her childhood and although she too had everything she "needed", she was not raised in a warm and fuzzy household and passed it on.  I think I went a long way toward changing that while raising my kids but I was dealing with depression through all of their childhoods and that takes a toll.  I know that my kids know that they are loved and feel loved. They know that I will go to the mat for them with absolute faith and trust in them and that I am so proud of who they are.   I also know that there are ways that I wasn't a good mom and ways that I was a good mom.  The truth is that no one comes with an instruction booklet and most of us are just doing the best we can.  My exception to that is any household where people are in danger.

Posted 9/2/2006 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
thank you kala and stronglady

the family dynamics of my family on my mothers side.....well she grow up with gouverness and a big fancy house and with two other sisters ( not 3, my mom 's twin died at 3 mons old) one older sister by 4 yrs and one younger sister by 4 years. my grandma wanted her last child to be a boy so this is where i think all the teasing began with my moms younger sister created from grandpa and my mom followed suit thinking it was ok b/c she saw grandpa do it ......it helped to cause her sister, younger one, to be outcast and hurt and she gained alot of weight and then further teased for the weight she gained...

..it was said that my grandpa told her once...'i am throwing a big hollywood party ( he was in the movie business and a big shot in film during the depression so had lots of money) at home here and  i dont want you to come downstairs so stay in your room b/c i dont want anyone to know you are my daughter....'

she was slightly overweight and 12 yrs old at the time and one eye crossed which was later fixed....can you imagine being my auntie and having a dad say that to you at 12? then he used to say things like 'omar the tent maker is in town i see', when she used to walk by....

my mom chimed in all the time agasint her, so this is where she learned how to be mean to her younger sister who never hurt anyone, she jsut wasnt as pretty as the other two sisters were and in this family ( hollywood) beauty was everything.

grandpa was not a smart man from schooling, he quit the 6th grade and then was self taught i think back then in fact only one of his three brothers ever graduatd from high school and all left school to make their way in the movie busniess b/c back then  you did nt need education like you do today. all you needed was a camera and anyone willingto play the part of an actor.

his father, my great grandpa was mean. he was a tailor in the lower east side in nyc and lived in a one or two room walk up and had 5 kids altoghter, it was said he used to beat his kids and was not nice.

it was said that one cousin who was midly retarded was kept locked in a closet.

 i am writingall this b/c i think the abuse goes from generation to generation until someone gets some smarts and learns how to stop it.

now the two sisters do not talk to my mom either b/c of the furthering abuse from left over childhood that  never got resolved. and my mom never knew how to say 'i am sorry for hurting you' to me or to them orto anyone. shewas always right and everyone else was always wrong.

the only person whom she respected was her dad who died in 1962 and left her all that money. as soon as he died and she got her moeny she threw away  my dad but not before using his paint and hardware store to fix up her new hosue wit hwallpaper, paint and new every thing inside, then like a worn outshoe she threw him away. she got waht she needed from him and now he was not worth anything anymore to her or to her way of thinking to us kids.

we were told not to see him b/c he drank, well from an adult perscpetive on this now, i can see why he drank...i would ve too if it was me.

to get away from her mentally.

so i had no dad, no auntie b/c she estranged her also since childhood, no cousins on either side my dads or my mom's, no mom as  far as i was concerend and nothing.

i lived in a nice house but it might as well have been the slums inside.....

Posted 9/2/2006 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry to hear about all your horrible stories. I can't even imagine.

My childhood was probably as normal and functional as they come. Yet I am still depressed.

Posted 9/3/2006 2:38 AM (GMT 0)
to think the kind of family i came from WHAT I COULD HAVE BEEN had i not gone through all this with my life.

this is what bothers me the most. i truly think that i could have ben a sucess in lifeway more if i was in a normal family or if the dynamics wsa different  or if my mom was a nicer person to everyone, i beleive taht i could have achieved much more and done more with my life rahter than pissing and moaning about it....i just couldnt get through it all b/c it was all so bad. if i had ONE person to count on in my family, i may have been a better person in life and had more happiness.

now i could write a book here about the rest of i but it would make much sense but my mother was one person who should not have had any kids  at least she shold have stopped with my brother and not had me.

she used to tell me  that she didntwant me a third child all the time....and 'there is something to be said for having only one or two children' to me all the time...

it hurts to hear such stuff roll off her tongue.....

when she kicked out her 3rd husband at aged 80 (he) i sat down and wrote him a long letter 10 pages long telling him how sad i was for him and how i wished i could have gotten to know him better, he was a smart man who had it altogether ( a harvard grad and an atty)  and i couldnt for the life of me understand what he was doing with her when he married her at aged 62.

i told him about all the dirty little rotten secrets that she placed upon everyone in this family and how i was sorry that he got tangled up in her web of meaness and deceit. I said, if I was your daughter I do not think that you would have done this to me and i dont think that you are the type who would not talk to me for 13 yrs also.....

i know he got the letter b/c my brother told me about the split and now he refuses to talk to me b/c i broke his trust and he has fallen out of grace with my mom b/c she found out, i suppose how i knew about it.

i never said in the letter that my brother told me, i just said i learned of it....

so now my brother is mad at me for writing this letter. he is probably going to get cut out from her 2 million house now, which is why he is mad, b/c my mom made a decree, anyone who talks to ME shall be out of HER life also. so this is  why no one talks to me. well my thoughts are if i get cut out ofthe will ( when i think it is I who should have the most since i was the one who was hurt the most)then she should leave all he money to the chruch and non one should have any of it, b/c it is blood money and if i was given any of her money i would immead donate it to my favorite charity as it mean nothing to me and should mean nothing to my brothers also.....

Posted 9/3/2006 1:01 PM (GMT 0)
One thing I have learned recently is that every family has problems. It does not matter if they are rich or poor.
Posted 9/3/2006 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
some just hide there problems alot easier.
Posted 9/3/2006 5:11 PM (GMT 0)

missie1227 said...
to think the kind of family i came from WHAT I COULD HAVE BEEN had i not gone through all this with my life.

this is what bothers me the most. i truly think that i could have ben a sucess in lifeway more if i was in a normal family or if the dynamics wsa different  or if my mom was a nicer person to everyone, i beleive taht i could have achieved much more and done more with my life rahter than pissing and moaning about it....i just couldnt get through it all b/c it was all so bad. if i had ONE person to count on in my family, i may have been a better person in life and had more happiness.

I know that this sounds harsh but it is not meant to be.

You are an adult now, what you can be is up to you now.  You truly can choose to let this continue to hold you  back or you can choose to overcome it.  You can choose to be the person that you count on.  I am not saying that overcoming it is or will be easy but it is your choice. 

Ask yourself the question, what is stopping you now.  If it is money, marshall the resources to go to school.  There is TONS of money for single moms, abuse women and people in recover to go to school. Go see an advisor at a local community college for some advice on this.  If you are still trying to hold on to your family, who will not support you ask yourself why.  You will not be able to change them.  All you can do is work on you, so make you the best you that you can be.

You have strength within you that you have never seen ......yet.  You can do it.

Posted 9/3/2006 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
thank you- stronglady/mandiann etc...

 i know and so therefore i moved on with my life and went back to school to get my MSEd, and became a teacher to help others who were in my same situation which in hind sight was maybe not such a good idea b/c  i could not get away from the thoughts and memories of all this.....

so i took up selling stuff on ebay, less stressful and maybe not as noble but better for me mentally....yes i have moved on and i dont go to the dry well anymore as there is nothing there for me...i know all this...i jsut vent and have a pity party for me at times b/c i guess it still bothers me in life when i see things that are not right, i want to put them right but i am not a saviour also....

thank you all for letting me vent

Posted 9/5/2006 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
Missie, as one ex-teacher to another, I know what you mean.  I worked for an extremely abusive principal, then she got kicked out and the "saviour" principal came in and we all thought that everything was going to get better. Little did we know that this extemely brilliant principal, amazing educator was also extremely volitile emotionally.  WOW!! No, she wasn't depressed, she was power hungry.  The rest of it is a long story but I have not been teaching for threeyears now.  I work as an office manager and know that I have skills that I am not even coming close to using.  For months now I have been trying to convince myself that I am working below my potential but somehow I just can't do it.  I am so happy not to be working in a stress filled environment where people always have hidden agendas and/or knives in my back that I'm okay with what I am doing now.  I have come to realize that while I loved teaching, I hated being a teacher.  I'm sure you get what I mean there and I won't bore eveyone else with elaboration.  I had a wonderful experience recently that set me free.  My best friend of 32 years is a teacher.  It was a mid-life career change for her and she was schooling while I was in termoil over teaching and my future.  I have watched her go through many of the same issues, frustrations and traumas that I experienced as a teacher.  One day she was tellling me about going out with some of her co-workers and I realized that I felt jealous.  That is SOOOOO not like me so I spent some time examining it.  I realized that she is part of a club that I no longer belong to.  When I left teaching I don't think I realized that I was LEAVING teaching, big L not little l.  Since that moment of realization it has been like freedom.   I even realized that I'm not made at the abusive principal anymore.  I had been carrying a lot of anger towards her for a while.  I can't promise you that it would be the best ride in the world if we ended up sitting next to each other on a bus but I don't have to be angry and protect myself from her any more.  I also realized that it was time to face a few more things.  I had let some friendships with other teachers slip away because in order to let go of teaching I had to get away from all things teacherish.  I have recently called those friends and made lunch dates.  The really big hurdle for me was the children's book section at Barnes and Noble.  I Love, LOVE children's literature.  I used to be a regular at the B&N children's shop.  I had not been there since I left the classroom over three years ago.  Last weekend my hubby and I went to B&N and I checked into the kid's bookshop.  It was sad and melancholy and wonderful too.  Hubby came looking for me just as I was finished.  I think he was surprised to find me there.  When I tried to say that I had not been there for three years I burst into tears.  WOW, did he ever get it right!  He just held me, let me cry and told me that it wasn't fair that someone who loved to teach so much wasn't allowed to do so.  That was exactly what I needed, points for him!  So I am moving on.  I think my next adventure will be as a project manager but that will wait until my kids get out of college, I think (hee, hee).  about two years ago I went through my teacher stuff and donated most of it to a school for homeless kids.  That was freeing however I kept my reading books and materials for reading instruction.  Someday I may get into adult literacy.  My passion is teaching reading.  I have no idea if I will need "those" materials or not for adult beginning readers but until I figure it out I will hold on to them. 
Posted 9/5/2006 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
stronglady.....may i call you sis?

we have an awful lot in common here...i completely understand where oyu are coming from....I had GEN ED teachers tell me sp ed was a cake walk and why was i wasting my time doing that?

they were so wrong. they were clueless much of the time, and i am well aware of the back stabbing and politics involved in the school setting first hand.....

Do you have any idea how hard i worked with those teachers?

sp ed heads up the team of all the OT, PT, SP/LAN, push in -pull out etc, and i had IEP's upwards of about 15 pages long at times for my students.

then the tragedy hit me when a student of mine who i adored died at 4 yrs old of heart failure on a monday morning after i had been working with her on friday afternoon.....people were fainting at her wake....

I miss it but cant bear it either.... but to all those GEN ED teachers who think we sp ed had it easy...have no idea what they were talking about

Posted 9/8/2006 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
Mine was sexual abuse at a young age by my older sisters boyfriend (8-11) and a very overprotective father who did not allow me to do anything.  My older brother & older sister also suffer from anxiety/depression.  My Dad does too...

Posted 9/8/2006 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
I re-read my post & noticed it seemed a bit confusing with the age.  I was molested from the ages of 8-11 by my sisters boyfriend who was about 19 at the time. 
Posted 9/9/2006 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
craving more was this ever found out and did you tell anyone in your family and of so did they believe you?

 

did you get any justice in your situation? and how long did it go on for and how did you deal with it?

 

did you act out and get into mischief?

i am sorry for you it is a terrible crime to visit upon a child or anyone forthat matter...

Posted 9/9/2006 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
I have trouble believing that there is a perfect family.  When I was growing up people on the outside could look at our family and think that we were the "perfect" example of what it should be like.  Upper middle class, mom worked at good job, stepfather was a respected fireman and in the National Guard.  We had nice house, cars and clothes and went to good schools.
But what was hidden was that....my mom grew up in home with a repressed mother and never really learned how to show her feelings and affection; she had depression.  Was abused by my real father physically so when she married my little brothers dad, my abuser... she dominated that relationship.  My stepfather was a child molester and used to get off on beating my little brother and I when my mother was at work.  Of course it was always an accident.  We knew not to tell...but eventually it all came out.  When it did come out into the open mutual family friends took the stance that my mom had made up the abuse story so she could get a divorce from him.  They couldn’t see what was in our house, what we had to live with.  To them everything was "perfect".
 
My point, we are not perfect people; things effect us no matter if it is physical abuse, mental abuse or neglect.  Dysfunction comes in all shapes and forms.  We carry this with us and pass it on.
Posted 9/9/2006 11:27 PM (GMT 0)
thanks you for your posting....however, peeps who do not post here and come from 'normal' families would vow to disagree with all of us and say they came from a functional family.

to think that a 'dysfucntional' family is now the 'norm' for society and for me is very hard to believe....i honestly do believe in my heart  taht there are noraml families out there who will not post on here b/c it doesnt apply to them..remember why we are all here!!!

Posted 9/12/2006 4:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi... I was  curious about the poll, so wondered on in and read every post so far ....

So sorry for what you all have gone through. :(

After reading missie's last post, I wanted to say: I'm not from a dysfunctional family .... dysfunction did not contribute to my depression.

However ... my family was not perfect .. I don't think a non-dysfunctional family is equal to a perfect family!  We were NOT the Cleavers or Bradys!

But thankfully there was no abuse, no alcoholism, no beatings, no divorce, etc. -- pretty stable environment.

The worst there was ... is that my Mom was rather a "cold" person and her lack of emotions has affected me as an adult .... but that's not to say she didn't love me. 

I did have "social" problems in school - I was mentally bullied for a few years which had a huge effect on me ....

Depression tends to run in my family on my Dad's side.

 

Posted 5/26/2007 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
Why do I have to choose just one? First I had a step father who I didn't like, then my birthparents remarried and I my dad was a paranoid-psychotic who sexually abused my sisters, (and step brothers who abused me). Dad also tried to kill my step-brother once while we ate dinner. My dad went to a mental hospital when I was ten, and my mom tried to kill herseld again, and went to a mental hospital shortly afterward. So my parents had abandoned me.
My foster family was OK, but I missed my mom and siblings. I cried at night and wet the bed. Mr. Foster wanted to send me away. They had a big argument about it. My social worker straightened it out (plastic sheet and alarm), but the fosters never quit thinking of me as The Baby, (as my foster brother always called me). It was a long time before I quit thinking of myself that way.
In terms of Roles in Dysfunctional Families, I was the "lost child". What with Dad raping the girls and beating the crap out of anyone everyone, I became expert in not being noticed. Then I tried to be VERY GOOD so Mom wouldn't kill herself. Mostly I hid from reality becasue I was always too little to protect my sisters or save my mom. I read all the time or watched TV. The problem is, I still do that and it is a problem these many years later.
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