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Posted 9/10/2006 12:33 PM (GMT 0)
this is the first time i search for support on line.  i'm 32, i work long hours at a job i've had for 5 years, i live in a great house alone, i have a great car, awesome dog, three cats, 1 friend, 1 boyfriend.  i've taken antideprsents since i was 21.  i suffer with boughts of euforia, cring fits, adjitation, distress, fear, sleep and sleep some more, eat eat eat, don't eat.  cought myslef tring to put dog food in the coffee maker...the light is green why did i stop?  wish i could shut the whole world out, till the euforia comes around again.  back and forth up and down...the hardest part about being a woman is the feeling.  don't have a place in this world, never married no kids...couldn't give life like this to someone.  does anyone understand?????  what do i do....where do i go.  is there a spell check on this thing?

32years

Post Edited (32years) : 9/12/2006 2:50:04 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/10/2006 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi 32 years

Welcome to healing well, I hope you find this site useful.
Have you spoken to a doctor or psychiatrist? You should talk to a doctor about how you are feeling and they can possibly offer you some therapy and maybe even alter your medication to help you.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you have good support from your boyfriend? Have you spoken to him about what you are going through? I'm sure you will find many people here that understand what you are going through. We are here to listen and support you.

Take care
Keep in touch
Posted 9/10/2006 3:00 PM (GMT 0)

No spell check, but that's okay .. we get it!

Glad you found Healing Well.  Are you taking any meds for your depression - seeing a psychiatrist - in therapy?  You've been battling this disease for a long time, surly there is something the medical/mental health community can offer that will be beneficial.  An accurate and complete diagnosis would help a lot - we can't cope with conditions we can't identify (personal belief)!  It's also possible (likely) that current meds aren't working properly for you and should be reevaluated by a psychiatrist.

You have to be an incredibly strong individual to have maintained a career and friendships, accumulated the material things, and taken on the care and feeding of pets.  You obviously contribute and have value in all these relationships.  You plainly have a place in this world - if not as wife/mother, then certainly as a caring and productive person. 

Dog food in the coffee maker is a hoot!  Haven't done that, but did put cans of Pepsi in the freezer ... what a mess, lol! 

Hope you feel better - am sure others will be along soon to respond to your post.    :-)

Posted 9/10/2006 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi 32 years, I am adding my welcome to you. I agree that you need to get evaluated by a psychaitrist as soon as possiable.  I wonder, you state that you have been on an antidepressant since you were 21...is it the same antidepressant? or a differant one?  There are many differant things that can cause the ups and downs that you discribe and several differant medications on the market to help level it off.  Please do seek help for this.  Keep posting and let us know how your doing...take care

Posted 9/11/2006 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
it's good to know that there are people out there that understand. zoloft has worked the best for me over the years. i've also tried welbutrin, prozac ( that was horrable ) i took depacote with zoloft for a long time. i haven't seen a specialist for years. due to expence or even the inabilaty to deal i've wound up obtaining skripts from emergancy room dr's or the last time a request from the dr that i went to see to get birth controll.... no therapy there. i had alot of therapy growing up...my mother is mentaly ill...disabled.

my boyfriend....shoot don't want to loose this one. he's very intuitive, senses my moods and wants to help, blames himself, we started talking about it when the birth control depressed me. when i stoped taking it things got bettter but now there bad again. numb, distracted, cry,

where do i find a dr that can help?
Posted 9/11/2006 9:18 AM (GMT 0)
just get in the shower you don't have time to sit hear a smoke another cigarette. doe's anyone else have to coach themselves like that. tasks are piling up on me dishes laundry need to vacuume take care of dog and cat balannce checkbook register car oil change should take the dog for a walk how did the bathroom get so dirty i won't make the bed today what did i do with that mail from the insurance company dog oh my god stop chasing that cat how can i get out of working a twelve hour day today i wonder if my jeans are going to fit did i eat yesterday my feet hurt talked to my boyfriend last night he asked how do you feel he's asking alot he cares and he wants me to feel beter i hate that i can't just be a whole person for him i think alot about leaving him because i just don't think anyone should be burdand by me. but i just can't do it alone i want to be whole what in the name of god is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!! where is that happy motivated ambitious successful radieant beautiful beaming girl that i am only half the time and that he loves so much???? ya and i'm on meds....this is the first time in my life that i can remember feeling this way while on meds.

32 years
Posted 9/11/2006 9:44 AM (GMT 0)
how did i wind up with no subject on my post? and where do all the little pictures come from? i have a hard time finding my way back to the list of posts...

32 years
Posted 9/11/2006 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
HI there you sure sound like you are having a really rough go of it all .....I would seriously find a therapist or if you have one perhaps a different one..........something is going on with you for sure have you ever been checked for bi Polar .........just a thought I do hope you feel like the real you soon.........take care and be well
Posted 9/11/2006 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi 32 --

Welcome to HW! -- I'm hot on your tail agewise -- 31, going on 32 in December.

You really do sound like your coping with a lot there -- and I think Lyn was right to suggest that there may be something more going on here than depression. The euphoria you describe is something that is often associated with bipolar disorder and, uf that's what you've got, seeing a psychiatrist for a full evaluation could be your door to a whole new life without this taking over. I know you probably quite like the euphoria, but that will be keeping you off-balance as much as the depression. Please do find yourself a psychiatrist and get the help you need. If it's not bipolar you have, it certainly sounds like a full evaluation and diagnosis and more considered therapy (including the meds) would help you. If you want to ask any questions or want more support in this, why not pop over to the Bipolar Forum here -- you'd be very very welcome!! :)

I fully understand what you're saying about no kids. I won't have kids because I don't want to pass on my depression, and because I fear that in my own depressions I wouldn't be able to cope with another life. I often wonder at the people here with kids who manage all of this -- and so successfully.

If you want to add a subject line to your thread, just go back to the first of your posts here and click on the little pencil icon in one of the squares to the top right of your post: this will allow you to edit, and the suject line is at the top. To get those groovy little emoticons, you have to hit "Post Reply" instead of just typing in the "Quick Reply" box. A new page loads and all the emoticons are on the left hand side. Just click one when you want one in your post.

Looking forward to those lil' emoticon faces popping up!

Rosie x
Posted 9/12/2006 9:20 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Yaa!!  I have a subject now!!!  Thanx counterclockwise

By noon yesterday I started feeling a bit better, not euphoric but better.  I still didn't manage to accomplish much.  Today is a new day and I feel o.k this morning.

O.K O.K O.K  I need to see a Dr.  this we have established.  wich one of you wants to hold my hand through it, or drag me there.  I remember dragging my Mother to the Dr.  Maybe I can deal better with it because I learned from her experiance.  I'm real afraid of not being able to handle it.  Well ya know I'm real afraid of not doing it either.  If I were the one giving the advice and not getting it I would say...The first thing to do is make a phone call to your insurace company.  I guess I can do that, but just that.  for now.

Did any of you really understand what I wrote yesterday, this morning I read it and I hardly understood. 

about the euphoria!  OH WEE I LOVE IT!!!  Ambitious, radiant, energetic, smile, beeming with joy and positivity!!!  BUT  I've learned that it doesn't last and sometimes the anxiety of crashing ruins how much I enjoy it.  I exhaust myself thinking I better get as much done as I can to get me through the low.  The lows seem longer now.  It destroys almost all of my relationships.  People just don't know what to think of me.  I remember living with my Mother and hate that I make the people in my life feel the way she made me feel. 

I was afraid that I wouldn't find any replies this moring...almost didn't look...but just had to.  Thank you so much for being there.  Thank you so so so much.  I live in a house alone so it's real easy for me to shut the world out.  That can be dangerous.  All of my family is on the other side of the country and I don't have much contact with them, especially about this.  My one friend has children and two jobs I don't see her often.  My boyfriend is wonderful, he met me euphoric fell in love with euphoric...said he wouldn't leave sad...but wants me to feel better. 

       counterclockwise  being my age and a Veteran Member I wonder about some of those not so general personal things that shouldn't be posted here  Rosie x  you must be a woman, if you have the time will you e-mail...I'de like to know more about how you deal with this.  Only problem is my e-mail has my name and I really don't want to put it out there.  I'll have to create a new mailbox and post the address. 

Thanx everyone

32-years

Posted 9/12/2006 1:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi 32,

Good going matey -- yes, sometimes just knowing what we'd advise someone else to do is enough to get the first step done -- and if we just do that with each small step, very soon we've taken enough of them for us to have made a big move in the right direction. I'm sorry you had to drag your mum to the doc, but I'm also glad in a way because you learned what to do -- and it sounds like it gave you strength.

I think I understood what was behind your posts yesterday almost more than I understood what you were saying -- though I could understand that too. Racing thoughts and rapid talking ... I've seen quite a bit of that with my ex (bipolar, wish he wasn't my ex). Easier when it's written down (I can read slower!!).

I'm glad that you understand your euphoria so well -- sounds to me like you really "get it" -- and that will protect you. I know you probably wish you could just let yourself enjoy it like you once did -- but you're protecting yourself by not letting it carry you away with it.

I remember feeling exactly as you did about checking for replies -- dread of there being nothing and lots of gut churning! But this is a really good place -- so much support and caring -- and we've all been in that "first post" place. I thought it was just me when I started here, but since then I've read so many posts that reflect what I was feeling then -- and what you felt.

I live alone too -- very good at the shutting out the world stuff. I'm so glad your boyfriend is sticking by you. I doubt he fell in love with the euphoric: that's only part of the total you and he clearly loves the package -- even if he is worried for you. Let him help you. Take him along with you when you get that appointment -- even if you just want him there when you go in and waiting for you when you come out. You won't lose *you* by getting treatment: *you* will be there more than before, with minimal interference from Mr Depression and Mrs Euphoria. That will allow your relationship to flourish -- and I sense that wanting that is a huge spur to you in getting help, so let that support you.

Yes, I'm a Rosie woman! It'd be really good to email with you. If you don't want to set up a new account, just click my name in the column to the left of my posts and you'll get my profile which has my email addy. I had the same problem with a personal email address when I first came here but then I discovered that yahoo mail lets you add a second addy to the same account -- all delivered to the same inbox and everything. Your email account may have a similar option. But anyway, as I say, you can get my address from my profile and that's that problemo sorted in a flash! -- Look forward to hearing from you!!

Rosie x
Posted 9/13/2006 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
UHG I'm sick...head cold body ache all over. take care see ya all after a while

32 years
Posted 9/13/2006 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
Rosie, tried to e-mail you but my computer had a fit about outlook express not being my primary e-mail or something to that effect. I'll figure it out sometime soon because i would really like to email you. ahcoo cough cough going to work going to go to work...

32 years
Posted 9/13/2006 4:50 PM (GMT 0)

CounterClockwise said...
Hi 32 --

I fully understand what you're saying about no kids. I won't have kids because I don't want to pass on my depression, and because I fear that in my own depressions I wouldn't be able to cope with another life. I often wonder at the people here with kids who manage all of this -- and so successfully.

Rosie x

CounterClockwise, I often wonder about this too and I have kids.  They are 21 and 19 and both away in college.  As a mom, I never knew that I was doing things right and often knew that I was not doing things right.  I can see how I damaged my kids and thankfully they are wonderful people who love me and are willing to forgive, work things out and realize that I was doing the best that I could.  They have always known that they are loved.  The thing is that no one gets through childhood unscathed.  It is a difficult time for parents and kids.  Kids don't come with instruction books and parents do the best they can.  I do not know yet if I passed on the depression issues, although the likelyhood is high because it is on both sides of the family.  Both of my kids have had depression.  With my son it can be traced directly to a feeling of no control in his own life.  He was like a toddler trapped in an infant's body, like a kid trapped in a toddler's body, like a young adult trapped in a kid's body, etc.  Life was very frustrating for him.  Now he is an amazing young adult and we have a wonderful relationship.  Some of that is a result of him getting out into the world on his own and realizing that home was pretty good even with the craziness that we had.  My daughter is just starting to see that her childhood issues are not necessarily a result of my issue but rather from experiences outside of my zone.  She and I are still working things out.  She is at college in a dorm which of course is not the same experience as being completely on one's own. 

The thing is that I know my kids are going to make a wonderful contribution to the world because they are good, compassionate and loving people.  Knowing what I know now I would still have brought them into the world but I totally understand and respect the choice not to do so.

Posted 9/13/2006 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi 32,

Ugh, head cold and email problems! Yuck -- sorry you're having a bad time hun (and on top of lots of other stuff -- hugs). Well, you get some hot lemon and honey into you and just get to that email when you can -- I'm not going anywhere! :)


Hi Strong,

Thanks for talking about this. It's a complicated issue for me. I love kids -- they're such fun and I feel very at ease with them. But then I get to the thought of *my* kids and I'm all tied up. I've had depression, anxiety/panic and eating disorders: what if a kid I had inherited all of that? And in this world there's so little peace anyway. I feel like I'd be condemning a kid before they even got started. And, as I said, then there's my own depression: what if I just went bananas? -- It's one thing for me not to be in control of me, but if I had kids to look after?

Not to mention that I've just lost my relationship with the man I thought I'd be speding the rest of my life with (he's bipolar; an episode came on 6 months ago; he's not been great at taking treatment seriously; and, long story short, things are shot to pieces at present -- not for the first time in the last 6 months, but I think it's particularly bad this time). Ironcally, he's the first person I've met who felt the same on the kids front. What with all the issues that's left me with , I'm not in any sort of place to be seeing anyone or thinking kids. At 31 I feel like if I were going to have kids I'd be in a serious and stable relationship by now, but I can't even do those right -- great choices I seem to make. And deep down I feel like I'll never have kids -- feel like I'd know if I was going to. So all in all, I tend to think that there'd be no point even feeling ok about having kids because it's not going to happen.

Sorry, that was depressing even writing it.

Rosie x
Posted 9/14/2007 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
I found this post from a year ago when I first came to Healingwell...I wonder where is Rosie x, if your still around I'll find you. That head cold ache all over was the onset of Fibro, My health has gone down hill hard and fast this past year. I also noticed that I posted the first time this year durring the same week of my first post ever last year. Weird. Glad to be back
Posted 9/15/2007 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome back 32years!

That is weird,I guess you were drawn back to us for a very good reason!


Shy
Posted 9/15/2007 7:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi 32 years, welcome back!  I am very sorry to hear about your fibro sad .  I checked for you and Rosie x hasent been on the forum since this past July.  Perhaps she will check in soon.  Either way I do hope you find lots of great support here.

Take care

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