not sure what to do anymore...

I've been on and off meds my whole life, it seems like nothing is working...
Right now I am only on concerta for my adhd.... I was on 300mg of wellbutrin, I felt like it was doing nothing...
I just took a couple of xanaxes to hopefully chill me out and help me fall asleep... I've been crying for the last 3 hours. I'm having a hard time at work. I teach special ed in the morning and feel like I am the worst teacher in the world. I work so hard, I stay every night until 6pm and still feel like there are millions of things to do. I feel like I am drowning. I want to be happy so badly. no ones suggestions seem to help. why can't I just snap out of this. I hate myself and I want to like myself... I want to do a better job at work or I will lose my job. I cry at work sometimes... I have people up my butt bc I told some people I was having trouble.... more pressure. I got a bad observation. Everything feels like it is bad. I want to smile again and be happy. I really want to. I hate this feeling. My husband doesn't believe in depression and keeps telling me to snap out of it, do things different, change my mind set, etc.... so much easier said than done. I quit smoking a few months ago and I just feel like I should go back to it, it helped take the edge off a little bit. I am really forgetful and I spaced going to an important dr appt last week. How can I forget important things? what is wrong with me. why do I have to feel like this. I'm going to lose everything, my husband, my job.... it hurts to be me right now. I want to feel good and not have to pull myself out of bed when the alarm rings. its so hard to get out of bed. I wish I could sleep all day. I have to get out of bed in 6 hours from now and after the last few hours I can tell its not going to be easy to fall asleep.
I wish I could be normal. all I want is to be normal. I am such a loser. I suck at life :(
I don't know what the hell to do about this, nothing seems to work.

People who haven't been through depression just don't get it. My husband admits he has a hard time understanding this at times, he is supportive though. I can tell you that coming here has been wonderful for me. There are many supportive people here who care. I bet many people think you are wonderful person. Please come back and talk, it can help to get it out to people who have been there.

Dear IsThereHope?... Your words resonate with me so very deeply! I have been where you are and I hope you can believe my words as I tell you, "You WILL get through this time. YOU ARE ABLE to live a happy, healthy, and balanced life despite the depression." I have major depression/dysthymia; diagnosed Oct 2003, on my 4th med. I am currently on disability leave from my job due to my condition and continue to seek EVERY resource to help me improve - self-education, counseling/therapy, groups, hospitalization, art/expression, and prayer, prayer, prayer!

YOU WROTE:
I'm having a hard time at work. I teach special ed in the morning and feel like I am the worst teacher in the world. I work so hard, I stay every night until 6pm and still feel like there are millions of things to do. I feel like I am drowning.
THESE ARE JUST MY WORDS:
After my hospitalization for my depression I attended an intensive outpatient therapy program that taught COGNITIVE THERAPY. Basically, it teaches you how to look at the way you think and how it affects your depression. Why do I mention this? I learned that I CANNOT ALLOW FEELINGS TO INFLUENCE REALITY. The reality of your situation: you have depression, you are strong, dedicated, determined, compassionate... I KNOW these things just from your statement above. How? You are strong because EVERYONE who lives with depression IS INCREDIBLY STRONG! You are dedicated because you CHOOSE to go to work and stay until 6pm. You are determined because despite how you FEEL you continue to push through it as well as you reach out however you can (e.g. this post). You must be compassionate in order to be a special ed teacher... I don't even know you but can tell you are an EXTRAORDINARY PERSON!!

YOU WROTE:
I want to be happy so badly. no ones suggestions seem to help. why can't I just snap out of this. I hate myself and I want to like myself...
JUST MY WORDS:
There is no snapping out of depression but you can be happy, you can like - and yes, even LOVE - yourself. Keep doing what you're doing - reach out, don't give up on meds/therapy/yourself, find a network of support for these really tough times.

YOU WROTE:
I want to do a better job at work or I will lose my job. I cry at work sometimes... I have people up my butt bc I told some people I was having trouble.... more pressure. I got a bad observation.
JUST MY WORDS:
Depression is a medically recognized disability and you have rights regarding work under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Look into your options with your employer, do your own research; don't wait for things to get worse, act to protect your job, take a leave if needed and focus on your health.

YOU WROTE:
Everything feels like it is bad. I want to smile again and be happy. I really want to. I hate this feeling. My husband doesn't believe in depression and keeps telling me to snap out of it, do things different, change my mind set, etc.... so much easier said than done. I quit smoking a few months ago and I just feel like I should go back to it, it helped take the edge off a little bit. I am really forgetful and I spaced going to an important dr appt last week. How can I forget important things? what is wrong with me. why do I have to feel like this.
JUST MY WORDS:
It is essential that you develop a network of supporters! If you wanted to start a business or accomplish some other goal like running a marathon what's your first step? Surround yourself with people that have experience and can support your goal! You need the same in this situation. A good start is with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org)

YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS! There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AS A PERSON, you simply have depression. NORMAL IS A MYTH... 14.8 MILLION people in the US suffer from depression (twice as many women than men). YOU ARE NOT ALONE - all you have to do is reach out and refuse to give up!

I know how you feel. I also teach and i am on medical leave for 8 days. I felt like it was too long to be out, but I just needed some time to try to  get myself back together. I know how it feels to be stressed and then when the kids act up, YOU get blamed in addition to you not feeling anything at work. Then the stressed of being observed and the pressure from a crazy boss who pits different grades and teachers against each other--well, that is probably just my situation!LOL!

Take some time off anf talk to a doctor.

BlueKLani,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your words.  I know you were responding to IsThereHope? but your reply helped me also.  I posted earlier about my situation at work and it's getter worse.  Basically, the big boss wants me gone (no, not paranoid; she chooses a person each year to fire so that she looks "proactive"), so my supervisor is riding my butt and using every little thing to make me look bad. 

But you are right.  I do have need to look into my options.  I scheduled a meeting with my psychologist and I have a meeting with my p-doc coming up soon so I'll address filling out the ADA forms with them.

Thank you, I guess there is hope and it comes from us helping each other.

IsThereHope,
Oh my goodness, I was a special ed. teacher for 30 years and I totally know where you are coming from. Check out the Mental Health Association in your city and find out when the depression support group meets. I did this and I really like my group. While I was teaching , I found similar groups to get support from. Most important of all is to get a psychiatrist to prescribe your meds. These are all just my opinions and experiences. If you are not in a teacher association , you need to join one tomorrow. They will help you protect your job. I really feel for you and will be sending you prayers and mental hugs ! I say amen to all the previous posts that said that you are definitely a special person to teach those precious children. Look in their eyes tomorrow, really look, you will see that they love you , depend on you , and think you are a great teacher.