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Posted 12/2/2006 6:03 AM (GMT 0)
ok so i'm a 9th grader, and i have an extremely unhealthy relationship with my dad. i'm sorry if i seem mean to him or nething, but that's what i'm working on. here's the storyline:

  1. last year, dad grounded me more more than a month at a time: no computer [i'm diagnosed with internet addiction], no phone, no friends, and at one point, no tv. all at the same time.
  2. he'd yell at me about every Sunday. i'm extremely sensitive and he knows it, but he'd still scream at me, and every time, i'd go upstairs to my room and cry the rest of the night. and every time, he'd come up and try to hug me. i would think, "as if he thinks that he's gonna make everything better just with a hug. one hug, and he thinks that all of this will be behind both of us."    so i quit forgiving him, and as much as i love hugs, i refused to hug him. and i never forgot a single night when he'd yell at me.
  3. i feel like he bosses me, my older brother, and my mom around all the time. i'm just the only one in the family who ever stands up to him. i guess i inherited his hard head...
  4. whenever he'd yell at me, or ground me again, i'd tell my friends at school about him, and they grew to strongly dislike him.
  5. sometimes he'd even call me names, make fun of me, or push me down. this would always break whatever trust i had in him at the time.
  6. the punishment, the arguements, and the screaming always came from grades. in 8th grade, when all this happened, my grades weren't the best. but, i thought that he could accept that i was at least trying. i have no idea where his high expectations came from.
  7. then when school let out and summer started, there was nothing left to ground me for. so, he started being nice to me, but i didn't. i decided to hold a grudge against him, because i was so mad. i'd think about a particular night when he went off on me, so i'd bristle and harshly turn away from him. i made it very clear that i was mad: when he made a joke, i didn't laugh. when he talked, i put my head down or left the room. if he ever touched me, i'd shy away if i could, but if he trapped me in a hug, then i'd simply tense up and wait for it to be over. i never talked to him, and i mean it when i say 'never.' whenever i heard his car in the driveway, i'd run upstairs. i avoided him whenever possible.
  8. then one day my mom [i love her] told me that dad would have to drive me home from horse lessons that day. i complained, but she said that it was the only way that things would work out. so, after horse lessons, he asked me small questions about my lessons and such. i answered tham shortly, hoping for out time alone to be over. then he said that if i didn't quit being rude to him, he was going to ground me. that made me even angrier, and i didn;t talk for the whole way hime. that day was when my usually-gentle mom yelled at me for getting her involved in mine & dad's fight. i felt terrible.
  9. these days, i still really don't like him. i can't say i hate him because i dont like to use the word 'hate,' but being near him upsets me. i still don't hug him, i barely talk to him, although i'm a little more polite than before.this sounds extremely horrible, but it pains me to call him 'my dad.' did u notice how i called him just 'dad' throughout the forum?

i think that covers it all. i know that this is unhealthy, but i can't bring myself to forgive him. my mom always says 'aren't you being a little harsh just for some groundings?' but it's nore than just that: he didn't respect me or listen to me. he'd interrupt me whenever i was talking, and then he'd scream when i started talking again. i know that whenever he screamed at me, he knew that he would scare me. he would always come real close to me and stand real tall, trying to intimidate me.

this relationship isn't good. part of me likes it the way it is now, where i don't have to talk to him much. but, i want a functional relationship with both of my parents, not just my mom. i haven't gotten my dad a birthday or fathers day present for about 2 years. i hope that people reading this aren't mad at me... sad

Posted 12/2/2006 8:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hi claustrophobia..welcome to HW
Sometimes us parents just don't know how to cope with our children at times and do resort to intimidation and bullying - which is kinda sad really - because with the right skills we can turn things around and make it a win/win situation for both sides :))
Arguing with a teenager is like trying to nail jelly to a fencepost..a complete waste of time in my experience!
Ok, so you want to resolve things with your Dad..my suggestion is that you see your school counsellor and explain what is happening at home..and ask to learn new skills to cope with the situation at home.
Sometimes it's as simple as learning not to argue back in a certain manner..and just remaining calm and in control..so that the other person loses interest in the sport of annoying you - making issues easy to resolve :))

Hope everything works out ok...let us know how you get on.
Take good care.
Maree
Posted 12/2/2006 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
hi im so sorry what is going on at home, but i totally understand how you feel. My dad used to be the boss of the household, always yelling at me and me at him. He used to say mean things and i would withdraw from him. It got so bad in my teens that he kicked me out of the house, i ended up sinking down to the depths of depression, im now in my twenties and hes trying to build bridges. its taken so long and havent really hugged him for 8 years. bit sad really. but now im older i can see that i was a bit of a nightmare in my teens. i dont think he knew how to cope with a teen daughter. At the time i felt it was all his fault, but now i see i wasnt easy to live with.

It sounds like your dad is trying to make a bit of an effort, try not to push him away, we all need people who love us and family are the best and most reliable support group we have, and if you have that you should hold onto it. its hard to see things from other peoples point of view, and im sure he finds it hard to see where your coming from as you do seeing things his way. hope things get better for you x

Posted 12/2/2006 3:57 PM (GMT 0)

Hi claustrophibia, Welcome to healing well we are happy to have you.  First please excuse me but I dont have children so I am going to reply to your post here based off of my personal experiences.  I was wondering if your seeing a counselor or psychiatrist?  You stated that you were diagnosed with "Internet Addiction" so, I figure that you must of seen some professional for this diagnosis.  You gave a lot of back ground on what behaviors your father exhibits towards you and how your feeling and interacting towards him but you didnt explain what brought this about other then the internet addiction.

I did alot of stupid things as a kid and a lot of things that I shouldn’t of done and didnt get caught doing.  Sometimes the punishment doesn’t always fit the crime and in life at your age I do remember thinking that my mom was coming down on me too hard or things werent fair.  I often was sulky and didnt talk to my mother and pulled away when she tried to touch me.  I am 32 now and realize that she had every right to do as she did she was trying to protect me and I was doing things that were harmful to me.  But during that time I was unwilling and unable to see that.  The teenage years of life are the most difficult and I wouldnt go back and do them over for anything in the world.  I hope for you that you can get through them with as little turbulence as possible.

The one and only thing you can count on in this world and life is your family and parents...dont pull away from them.

Posted 12/2/2006 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
thank you guys!! :)
& i left out some info that may have something to do with it:
his father walked out on him & his family when he was little.
my mom's parents divorced when she was little.
neither or them ever knew their dad.
maybe he's just confused??

and about the other background info, this is how i see it: dad & me are the 2 dominant people in the family, and that's why we clash alot.
i'm usually nice to him during this time of year. but, we still inevitably fight. my mom's friend told me that from what she's heard, dad has leadership issues~ he thinks he's the boss of everything. see, one particular time, my bestfriend was over my house and we were doing chores, and dad came in and told us to go do something. then we said 'but moms in charge of telling us what our chores are' and he started yelling at us.

thanks again!
Posted 12/3/2006 7:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Phobiagrl823,

I'm 41 now, and I have a bit of perspective on your situation. I was the same way during my teenage years with my Mother. We argued all the time. It was always about stupid stuff, mostly me not wanting to go to church, not making the best grades because I was always behind due to one illness or accident, and I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't like school, mostly because some teachers thought the were totally superior to the students, when they were not as intellegent or were on some power trip and liked to jerk students around because they could.

Anyway, my Mom and I fought a lot, and my Dad, who was usually on my side, wouldn't ever get into the middle of a disagreement. My Mom expected him to support her position, which he usually didn't agree with, then would start yelling at him because she had to be the "bad guy" all the time. That would make me even more mad. She even threatened to go stay in a hotel, but never did. I even prayed for my parents to get divorced. They never did.

Once I got out of the house, my sister was in the hot seat for a while. Now as adults, we alternate who is the "good" daughter, based on my Mother's mood. Our family motto is:

"If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

We even have that carved into a wood plaque in our family room. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this too will pass. Just try to stay out of arguements, and once you are out and on your own, you can call your own shots.

I'm on disability now, so I basically don't have anybody to answer to. I do things I want to do, even if I know my Mom will be bent out of shape. I've died my hair magenta, spiked the top really short, got my upper ear cartilege pierced on both ears, and repierced my eye-brow. I were lots of black clothes, spikes and chains, skeletons and handcuff earings, and I smoke. I've basically regressed twenty years and do what I want to do when I feel well enough. None of these things (except for smoking) are anything but personal preference, and they can all be changed on a whim. After all, she colors her hair to cover her gray. I do the same thing, I just use a color she doesn't like. Big whoop.

Anyway, things that seem so serious now, you probably won't remember most of as time goes on. For now, just try to stay out of the way of your Dad. Avoid arguing/conflict if at all possible, and no matter how mad you are, never refuse an honest hug. We only have today, 'cuz you never know what will happen tomorrow. Things happen, and you never want to be in a position of regretting things that can be fixed.

Best of luck. Let us know how you are doing.
Leigh Ann
Posted 12/5/2006 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
Just remember you only have one, and more than likely, He loves you and is only doing the best he knows how (which may not be the best). In Highschool I just usually tried to humor my parents, so like during the lectors I would sing a song in my head, not say anything to get in trouble and go on. My mom and I sure had our dissagreements, but I know they'd both die for me.
BUT, if your father ever gets inappropiate, or hurts you, tell someone. Don't just take it if it bothers you, and it is important that your realizing this now. Don't let it be something that comes back to haught you for years to come.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, just remember, he is still your dad, and you have to do what they say, even when it doesn't seem fare.

Best to you sweet one.
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