In some respects I feel like you have taken the words straight out of my heart. I too am going through a very rough time and the added demands of the Christmas holidays only makes things more difficult. Last week was really tough. Our rabbit died on Tuesday night and we haven't even had him a year. I blame our lack of time to really look after him properly. Then my daughter contracted pink eye and I missed a day and a half of work and had to use my last few days of holiday time to be home with her. So any time I take at Christmas is pretty much unpaid now. Although it appears I may have one day left but I have to check on something first. Oh and Tuesday night we had a meeting with a new therapist which is always emotionally difficult because it means going through things all over again. And the three weeks leading up to last week, I was run ragged. My doctor put me on tryptan to enhance the effect of the antidepressants and it worked almost too well. I went from being able to accomplish nothing to never stopping!!!! But the worst thing, aside from burying our pet, was the e-mail I got from my life long friend. It was her daughter's christening the weekend before and in talking to her mother, I had mispoken myself and inadvertantly and unintentionally criticized my friend and her mother. What I was trying to say just didn't come out properly and as a result it sounded like I was saying they were fat, which is the furthest thing from the truth. Anyways, I felt like absolute crap and immediately sent off an apologetic e-mail. But it's opened another door I thought I had closed. And now I'm sick because of the stress. So I know what you mean about just suddenly hitting that brick wall and not being able to move. Feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders because there's no one there to help. This week, I am responsible for everything because of my husband's particular shift this week, so I might as well be a single mom. And these days there's no rhyme or reason to his shifts and it's getting very frustrating because I can't plan for anything. I can't book appointments. I can't look after myself. And then of course, the TMJ headaches start and the pain, and the bowel discomforts and everything else. But somehow you just keep going. No idea how some days, but you do. And I can even relate to some of your issues with your oldest child. My son is ADD too with some tendencies of the H. He is a handful. You have to watch him all the time and when you ask him to do something, he has to monitored constantly or else he forgets, or doesn't do it. Unfortunately, it's being complicated by some very major emotional issues. He is going for psychiatric testing in February. But he also has bowel issues and in January he is going to see a urologist because he still wets his pants and his bed. He's 10. So I understand also having the added demands of a child with special needs. All I can say is Life is Crazy!!! And this time of year, it's even worse... I hope you can find the time to look after yourself so your kids can have the best mom possible, but you're still human. And your husband's attitude is very sad. Does he ever see or help with the kids? If not, then he's hardly the one to criticize you. Parenthood is one of the hardest job on the planet, especially in this day and age when we're being pulled in so many directions all the time. Kids aren't kids long enough anymore... Anyways, I've rambled long enough. I need to get back to work. I know I didn't offer you any words of wisdom but maybe just knowing that you aren't the only one going through what you are going through will help you take a deep breath and keep going. It helps me to know I'm not alone because I usually feel incredibly alone in this world. So few people really understand depression and its effects on me as well as how it can impact the people and the world around me, no matter how much I love them...
Take care of yourself.
slowlygoingcrazy