ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

I am in my mid 40"s you would think I would be used to being depressed or realizing the signs hat are bringing on my depression. But after being diagnosed at the age of 16, yup 16 ENOUGH is ENOUGH.  Dr - Phycs you name it I have been there.  This has been a terrable year.  I lost my grandmother, whom I was really really close to, then last month my husband fell ill, during his illness he suffered major memory loss is now in the psychiatric ward at the local hospital.  I was never one to handle the holidays, especially Xmas.  I have no idea how I am or if I can even handle them.  My Dr. has me on 6 diff meds, one to wake up one to sleep and some to just manage the day.  Up until my Grandmother passed, I held a well respected Job, finally thought my depressioin was under contol and BOOM -- here it is.  I am now on undefinate medical leave, no grandmother, and a husband who may or may not recognize me from day to day.  Today, without realizing, I almost killed myself, don't think it was intentional but it sure scared the heck out of me.  I was coming home from the hospital after not such a good visit with my husband (must have been daydreaming, drugged out?? who knows) but the crossing lights to the train came on, and before I realized I was sittin in the middle of the train tracks.  WHAT WAS THAT?? -- I finally snapped into reality moved the car to the opposite track.  AGAIN -- WHY -- WAS this done intentional?  I didn't plan it.  It just happened.  I am more scared and more reluctant to leave the house.  If I dont leave the house I am stuck here for what seems like weeks, finally my youngest daughter ends up coming over dragging me into the shower and forcing me out of the door.  What kind of life my dauther must think she has.... here she is 20yrs old mother and dealing with her WHACKED out mother??? Dr's are not seeming to be helping. Who knows. Maybe this site is a GODSEND -- Someone PLEASE show me there can be life with depression.

Regards, Bubblbrain

Thank you "hopefulmigrainer" for your advise. I have no idea how I ended up finding this site or even how or why I was attempting to seek help -- but there MUST be a reason. Your advise is taken, with great appreciation. I will be making a Dr. appt on Monday. and will ask about derealization/depresonalization -- I, like mentioned breifly have always suffered drepression, BUT never ever have I even contiplated the thought of suicide This is what is so baffling. Though, like mention HOLIDAYS have ALWAYS been a tough time and my husnband as always brought me through them. I just not only feel so lost without him, my depression seems 10X worse then I can ever remember it being. THIS SCARES me! I have no out, no one to talk to .. I have always isolated myself from others, (other than work retlated) --- my husband has been my ONLY friend,confident, commpanion. We were joined at the hip. So YEY I guess it makes sense right now that I cant' take my own steps without him. I NEED to find the stregth to make the appt with the DR. Then the toughest thing of ALL is making sure I keep. God Bless - and again thank you, for your advise.

Bubblebrain.

Hi Bubble, Welcome to healing well, we are happy to have you.  Hopeful has given you some wonderful suggestions and advice.  I can see where you would be feeling very much lonely and isolated with your grandmother passing and your husband in the hospital not knowing for sure if he is going to return to his prior state of mind.  I hope he does for both your sakes.  What I saw from your posts was that you do need to speak to your doctor and hopefully your also seeing a psychiatrist for management of your medications (as they are most qualilfied in the mixing of these and despensing them).  One thing thing that was most prominate was that you relied so much on your grandmother and husband and now it seems that you feel lost without them.  I am going to urge you to seek some counseling so that you can find your inner strength, so that you know that you can take care of yourself emotionally and physically in whatever situation.  It takes a while for us to reach this point believe me, it did for me and I have had depression, anxiety/panic disorder for a very long time.  But it just sounds that you have to take control of your life and know that you can do it and be a strong person and be there for your husband in any situation.  I dont know if this helps or not but I hope it does.

We are always here for you so please do keep posting....take care