Need to vent

Teya
Welcome to the board.
WOW!!! Holy crap,I can't imagine going thru that much in a year.
First thing is first here...that is YOU.
I know this sounds harsh (I have 2 kids of my own) but,you are not the one that landed yourself in jail,so do not blame yourself. You have to take care of yourself before you can help your kids.
My son is 16 and has bipolar and ADHD. Gawd I went thru some hard years with that boy. I finally (the hardest thing I have ever had to do) Forced his dad to take him full time as I could not handle him. I still have major guilt because of that but I know it was the best thing.
I am sorry for everything that you have endured. You have the right attitude for your future by not wanting it to repeat. Use this board to vent,there are alot of wonderful people on here that will be your shoulders.
Good luck to you and stay strong.

Thanks for sharing, and you're not 'taking up space' on this board. You're using space like the rest of us and that is different than 'taking it up'. Usually something that takes up space is useless, and you and your venting and sharing are by no means useless. Also, rather than ask yourself why you took so long to 'wake up', if I may use your words, I would give yourself kudos. Congratulations for leaving him because it is very, very difficult to get out of an abusive relationship. Many people do not understand why the person 'does not just leave' but it is far more complex than just that. I've not been in an abusive relationship, though I've been abused sexually, but I have studied about them and I have had friends in them. You don't need to batter yourself with blame for not 'waking up sooner' because it is not that simple. Good for you for not letting it go on any longer than it did, not shame on you for 'taking so long'. It's amazing how that kind of thinking can feed a depression---when we devalue ourselves it is bound to affect us just as much, if not more, than if someone else were devaluing us. And would we say to a friend 'You're taking up space' or 'What took you so long to leave him?. No, we seem to have far more compassion for a friend than for ourselves.

So, amidst what sounds like a very painful holiday for you, physically and emotionally, I would keep in mind that you are sharing here and you are out of an abusive relationship. Count your steps forward because they are important.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to have my kids in various places, jail for one, at any time let alone the holidays---and to be in the midst of a divorce and have your physical challenges to face as well. I can only imagine how stressful and depressing that is for you. I am and have been in a lot of pain for several weeks after having 8 and a half feet of my colon removed and then having complications that sent me back in hospital til Christmas Eve. To boot I cannot eat solid foods so could only smell them while I drank liquids. I know my pain sucks the life right out of me somedays, especially over the holidays, so I can really feel for you in that regard. To have the added burdens you do must overwhelm you sometimes.

No matter how strong you are, life can throw a lot of challenges that deplete us. There will be times when a sense of humor and a strong psyche just don't cut it. It sounds as if you could benefit from some caring friends. I sense you felt a bit isolated over the holidays without your kids and with going through a divorce. I hope you have some good friends and that you find some good connections here to help support you through this most difficult time. A difficult time is difficult anytime, but it does seem to hit harder when it is the holidays.
They are the times for 'having fun' and being 'happy', so you really notice when you are not.

Well I just wanted to congratulate you for posting and for getting out of an abusive relationship. You can never discount those great strides you have taken. Clearly you are a strong and tenacious person to have taken those steps. I hope you find the support you need here to keep you going strong while the kids are in their various situations and while you go through your divorce. Please share anything any time and do not consider it 'taking up space'. We value you and your feelings and are grateful for your sharing.

I look forward to hearing more from you and how you are doing with your challenges.

frassy

Hi TEYA, Welcome to healing well forum, we are happy to have you join us here.  It does indeed sound as if you and your family have been though so very much.  I am very sorry and saddened by your situation.  Let me just tell you that my little brother was always in so much trouble as a kid.  Even as a teenager he landed himself in jail a few times but my mom was always able to get him out due to good lawyers and perhaps a friendship with the sheriff (I dont know).  What I do know is that many of his offences should of landed him in prision for at least a few 5 yr terms but didnt.  He is 29 now and just now struggling to grow up.  He has 5 children 6 if you count his girlfriends prior one, has finally stopped doing illicit drugs, and is trying to control his temper (domestic violence againce his g-friend).  Funny how the oddest thing came out of his mouth the other day was that he wished our mom had not bailed him out so much and let him learn those lessions the hard way...as he should of, things would of been so much differant I am sure.  I can only hope that your children learn from their mistakes and grow from them as well.

I dont so much know about everything happening for a reason.  Sometimes it seems it does then other times it seem utterly impossible.  I just think we have to do the best with what we are dealt.  Please do know that we are always here and your more then welcome to continue to post...Take care

Goodness me TEYA..It always amazes me how much we can endure and still come out the other side the right way up lol!
So pleased you made contact with us..and as you can see there are some wise and wonderful people here to help :)
You have reached a point in your life where you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself..and as you say 'everything happens for a reason'..maybe it's 'your' time..
Maree

Oh Maggie, i know what you mean, i have depression for 'no reason', but never wish you had a reason. Sometimes i feel like if i had a reason i could fix things but if you couldnt 'fix' it, you would only feel worse. at least with no reason you cant blame yourself or anyone else, its just what happened to you.x

Teya my heart is with you this new year, we all have struggles but you seem to have more than most. be strong and your positive attitude about not repeating the last year is great! good luck and keep us posted xx

jordaNZone said...
Goodness me TEYA..It always amazes me how much we can endure and still come out the other side the right way up lol!
So pleased you made contact with us..and as you can see there are some wise and wonderful people here to help :)
You have reached a point in your life where you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself..and as you say 'everything happens for a reason'..maybe it's 'your' time..
Maree

 What amazes me is I had accidently come across this board looking up info on my daughters Bipolar. God works in mysterious ways. You are all wonderful and I am so happy that I have had the chance to "meet" you all.

Teya, I am so glad you found people's responses comforting and empowering. It's amazing what can be gained by expressing your feelings and having people validate them and empathize with you. For three years I have been seeing a good psychologist, finally, and having the freedom to finally express my feelings after a lifetime of quelling them, and having somebody who genuinely cares about them and me, has made the world of difference to me. For years I wouldn't go near a doctor because of sexual abuse I experienced as a child and as an adult, but in December I went in and had major surgery, stayed for 5 days, had to get re-admitted, and I survived it!!!!!! I'm not saying this is all one needs to battle depression, but I do believe it is a major requirement for healing. Meds alone just don't do it. After 17 years on meds, I am actually not on any for depression anymore. That won't be the case for everyone, and I may have to go back on one day, but let this be my testimony that no matter where you get it, seek out understanding and caring people because they are as vital as medication in the treatment of depression.

MaggieO, I never had reasons for being depressed. That is the insidious part of depression. You don't need a reason. However, when I began talking to a therapist, I began to discover I had all kinds of reasons to be depressed---they were just hidden from me in my subconscious, and depression was my subconscious mind's way of saying "Hey, there are things troubling me and I'm tired of you ignoring me and sweeping my feelings and issues under the carpet, so I will tug on you with this depression until you pay attention to me and help me resolve what is troubling me". I am amazed now at what lies in my subconscious mind and how unaware I was, how I thought I had resolved all that stuff or gotten over all those losses or recovered from all that trauma. Truth is I just tucked it all away and it ate at me until I paid it notice, gave it expression, and validated it.

I think depression is a combination of biological and psychological factors, and to only pay attention to one aspect is an injustice to it and will not heal it. Even if you don't have a therapist, I have found that writing or just talking to a friend gave considerable expression to my subconscious mind and helped me integrate those lost parts of me into my whole being where I could deal with them and acknowledge them.

Now this may not hold true for you. You may not have issues bubbling away in there. Whether you do or not, that is the nature of depression, and having a reason or not having a reason does not make it feel better. I would suggest though that you do some talking or some writing and just make sure there is nothing hidden in your subconscious mind troubling you that you are not aware of right now. If there is nothing, well you have lost nothing in the search, and you know that your depression is needing other treatments. Meds are the obvious ones, but I also find great solace in doing comforting things like listening to music, walking, playing with the dog, cuddling the cat, or whatever suits your particular interests in this case would certainly not hurt you. Who knows, it may even make the world of difference.

I write this to encourage you to talk or write, free associate, and just make sure there is no reason for your depression. You have nothing to lose my doing so except a lot of excess baggage.

I can feel your despair as I read your short post. Your few words tell me you are at your wit's end and wondering why the hell you feel so lousy. It's not fair; that's the thing about depression. It is not fair. So be really kind to yourself, make sure nothing lurks in your subconscious that you are not aware of that could be making you feel worse, and engage in any activity that brings you the slightest solace. You might not feel like it, but afterward you will be grateful.

I find walking very relaxing especially when I put on some favorite tunes. It gets the endorphins going too which are natural antidepressants.

Sounds like you're feeling at the bottom. Hope you can take a few strokes up and join us here and do some more sharing and talking. I am glad you at least reached out enough to say the few words you did. They spoke volumes to us. Please continue to stay connected to us. We care about how you are feeling.