just ranting over my despair.

I feel myself sliding.  I am travelling the road towards despair again and the path is so worn out now the ride is getting bumpier.  For the last few months I thought it was getting better, I am kidding myself.  I hear people talk of the beauty in life, in the strangers gesture that makes their day all the better, but I don’t see it, I don’t hear it.  Why can’t I open my eyes to the world?  I just see the bad in everything, I can’t trust anyone.  Metaphorically I am finding it hard to breath.

I feel that I am going backwards mentally.  I seem to be spending my time thinking of what was, what could have been and all the bad unforgivable things that have happened to me.  I was homeless as a teen, I was raped by three men over days, I can’t have children, I can’t get on with my family know matter how hard I try. I thought I was though it all with my head held high.  But the truth is I am so desperately lonely, I feel so isolated, I can’t seem to make friends because I can’t trust and I don’t help myself by putting myself in situations that would allow me to make friends.  People would never know the state I am in - I work, I have a good marriage, although I can’t burden my husband with how I feel, I have money in the bank – although not much, I have a nice car.  Materialistically I am fine.  It is the rest of me that is not – the important bit.  Last year in the summer I became pretty much suicidal.  Am I travelling that road again?  I sincerely hope not.  It is not the answer to anything.  Deep down I think I know life can be beautiful if I let it.  But I just don’t know how to do it.  I am withdrawing and I am frightened.

 

I just don’t know what to do next.  I know that this isn't how I want life to be, but I just seem to be unable to put myself first.

Hi Wizzer, It is so very hard to let go of the past when your past has formed who you are today.  Most of us who have been subject to sexual assult of some kind can relate to that and no matter how much your able to get over it or except it the fact remains that it is still there in your head right along with all the other negative things that have occured in our lives.  I dont know what the answer is perhaps it is differant for each of us.  For me counseling helped, and trying to come to terms with the fact that it wasnt my fault and I didnt have control.

I agree with what Shy has posted that you do need to have some trust in your husband and talk to him about your feelings.  Let him help you through this.  I also wondered what pulled you through last summer?  Did you go to counseling?  Did you see your primary doc and ask for an antidepressant?  If you know you have depression and are taking an antidepressant then you may want to talk to your doctor about adjusting the dosage. 

I have always believed that we sometimes have to fall back alittle inorder to keep moving forward.  I know it sucks but it does seem logical...Please keep posting and let us know how your doing.

thanks for your thouhts and comments.

Wizzer

Hang in there. It's tough when the memories come flooding back and you've just been through Christmas which is a difficult time for you to begin with. It probably helps dig them up, even as hard as you try not to. I know how it is. I thought many of my demons were behind me and then my friend dug them all up again with her accusation over my behaviour at her wedding five years ago and I am still trying to get them under control again. And people don't understand. My parents want me to be in the office by 9. Starting Monday I have to be up by 6:30/7:00 to get my son on his van and my daughter to daycare. Then I go to work. Then I have to be at the daycare by 5:30-5:45 to pick up the kids and its home to make dinner, play, finish up homework, bedtime. And I still have to find time to clean and do laundry and such so that we aren't walking around naked. I'm overcome. I don't know what to do. I've been down this path before too. I turn to my parents for help, and they say why can't your husband do it? Why? Good question. Because there's always some excuse. And he's as stubborn as a mule over his excuses. And it means the few moments I have with him, we're argueing. So I understand how memories and old hurts can haunt our present lives.

Two weeks after I was married, my husband said to me "Y'know if you'd raised Karl (my son) better up til this point, we wouldn't have these problems now". And that line still stings like he said it yesterday. Just thinking about it can bring me to tears. And it was 8 years ago. We've come a long way from that statement but it epitomized my guilt of the two years I lived with my parents raising my son by myself, fighting through postpartum depression, living in small quarters, and making a lot of first time mom mistakes, which were all the more accentuated by my youth and depression. And here my husband is back to working shift work again. Never being around. And when he is around, he tends to make things worse. I have to make concessions to make my life work and he may not like some of those concessions, but I have to do it for my sanity. Pick your battles as they say. I try.

Anyways, I've gotten off on a rant. Didn't mean to. Some of this I put in my e-mail to you the other day anyways. But I want you to know that you can send me rants too. I may not be a rape victim, well that's not entirely true either. My son wouldn't be here today if it weren't for a sperm donor who couldn't control his desires. There were condoms two feet away. He didn't ask. He just did. And I panicked and froze. And here I am today with a ten year old going for a psychiatric assessment next month. And I wonder if he wouldn't have been better off if I'd given him up for adoption. Anyways, that opens a whole other can of worms. Carrying negative memories like we do, is such a burden. Of course it's going to affect us adversely. And negative memories are like cancerous tumours in our brains. Unfortunately, they are harder to remove. But they affect us and infect us just as incidiously. Somehow we have to learn to live with them. And it's easier said then done, especially when we go through something that brings them all back. For you Christmas is that time. So hang in there. Talk to your doctor, your husband and see if they can offer you any recommendations or help. I haven't figured it out so I can't be of much assistance there. Just know that someone out there is thinking of you and hoping the best for you.

Take care, Trish.

Hi All,
Thanks so much for thinking of me. I guess your positive thouhts must be getting through to me as I am starting to feel a little better at the moment. My husband has been wonderful (as always) and although I hate burdening him (it makes him feel a bit helpless) I have yet again and he has pulled me from the depths of my nightmares. He doesn't really understand, but I know he does his best. THat support is vital to me. He doesn't normally 'spoil' me as such, but during the week he went out and bought me a little fishtank and we went and bought 2 little guppies for it today. I love animals but because I work all day I don't feel it is the right time to have them, the fish are the next best thing and I have been busy all day, reading about how to care for them. They seem to be having a very calming effect on me.
I guess I should give my husband more credit for knowing me than I do.
I have an appointment (my first) with a counsellor tomorrow night and I hope to make that my start to controlling my depression (rather than the other way round).
Wish me luck - and thanks to all of you, you are a great source of support and a credit to the forum.
Wizzer.