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Posted 1/18/2007 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
I'm new to this so please bear with me.  I guess I'll start with a background glimpse.  I don't really know when my depression started.  I was both anorexic and bulemic from 12 until 16.  I was raped the first time when I was 14.  Shortly after that I tried to commit suicide.  I took an entire bottle of Tylenol and ended up sick for 3 days.  My parents had no clue until the 3rd day why I was so sick.  They didn't know I was depressed nor did they know about the rape.  They never took me to a doctor or anything like that.  I just dealt with the depression on my own.  I still had suicidal thoughts but I had promised a good friend that I would never try suicide again.  I still cried uncontrollably for no reason.  I was raped a second time when I was 17.  Was too scared to tell anyone about him too.  My home life was full of verbal abuse from my stepfather.  A month after I turned 18 I moved out.  My depression improved greatly once I moved out.  I met my now ex-husband and got pregnant at 19.  At 21 got pregnant with my son.  At the start of the second trimester I started having panic attacks.  My OB/GYN put me on Zoloft.  All was better for 2 months.  Then I started back up with the crying uncontrollably.  My OB/GYN doubled my dose of Zoloft.  That worked great.  I stopped taking the meds daily after my son was a few months old.  After that I only took the meds when I was having a bad day.  Which remarkably did wonders.  In 2003 my relationship with my husband started going downhill and my depression returned.  I started taking the meds again on a regular basis.  In 2004 I divorced my husband and quit taking the Zoloft.  In Jan of 2005 I met my current sweetie.  He's great with the kids and is great to me.  In December of 2005 I had a hysterectomy but kept my ovaries so my hormones should be okay.  After a year and a half we decided to move in together.  We lived 45 minutes apart.  We decided on a place in his home town.  I left all my family and friends.  My job is still in that town but I had to change shifts at work.  So I left all my co-worker friends too.  So I'm here in a strange town with noone.  The only person I know in this town is his mother (whom I get along with great).  I work 3rd shift now so he is here alone all night with my kids.  Due to my depression and being on the verge of a major meltdown I took a layoff that my company offered me.  He is a manager at his job which requires him to be gone from 7am till anywhere between 6pm and 8pm.  He recently started this job and had to spend 3 weeks out of state for training.  Which of course hasn't helped my depression any.  He is out of state again this week.  He is sharing a hotel room with another guy and said he didn't want to call me before bed cause he didn't want to be talking all mushy in front of someone else.  Being in a strange town, knowing none of my neighbors, and being in a much larger town has me scared to stay alone at night.  Being here alone in the daytime doesn't bother me.  At nighttime is a different story.  I not only deadbolted the doors last night but barracaded them as well.  His mother has offered to stay the night here with me while he's gone.  I don't want to put her out of her own home to stay here with me.  I can't go stay with my mom because my daughter has school in the mornings and my mom is 45 minutes away.  Last Sunday was our 2 year anniversary and of course he forgot.  Which of course didn't help with my depression.  I have had low self-esteem all my life.  My father was both emotionally and physically abusive and really did a number on my esteem.  Since I have met my current sweetie I have lost 20 lbs and recently put 15 back on.  I'm not a large woman so the weight gain stands out like a sore thumb.  The recent weight gain hasn't done my esteem any favors.  My sweetie says he doesn't care how much I weigh.  He loves me just the same.  He is very supportive.  I'm finding it hard to believe that he can find me attractive since I don't find myself attractive.  I have been working out 3 times a day every day for a month now.  I have quit drinking pop.  Which has given me excrutiating headaches.  As my luck would have it, I haven't lost any weight and my clothes aren't fitting any better either.  I have started taking the Zoloft.  My sweetie is being as supportive as he can be but I think his patience is wearing thin.  He doesn't know what to do when he sees me crying and I can't tell him why.  I'll be watching a commercial, a tv show, doing the dishes, listening to a song, vacuuming the floor, cooking supper, taking a shower, it doesn't matter.  I just start crying.  It isn't a short cry either.  I'll cry for 2 or 3 hours at a time.  With me not knowing anyone here I have nowhere to take my kids while I seek counseling or even go to a doctor appointment.  He's rarely home cause he's working all the time, his mother works until 5 pm every night.  My sweetie is gone all day.  My mom works till 2 but is scared to drive to my house (my town is about 10 times larger than hers).  Like I said, I'm all alone here.  I am with my kids 24/7.  If I leave the house, they go with me.  I have no time to myself.  I have no friends here, no family, he is my only support and most his time is focused on his work.  I'm tired of crying all the time, feeling like I'm worthless, tired of not having any self esteem, tired of not being able to give my kids 100% of me, and have decided that it's time I try to take care of me so I can take better care of my kids.   Any help, advice, insite, etc would greatly be appreciated.

Honesty

Post Edited (honestynindiana) : 1/18/2007 3:22:17 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/19/2007 12:06 AM (GMT 0)

I just want to give you a big hug, i'm so sorry you've had such a hard life.  It's a lot to carry around with you, being raped twice, your fathers treatment, the isolation you're feeling.  It must have taken a lot to share all of that here, i think you are a very courageous person.  I know your self-esteem is low but you are a survivor, and you have got through so much.  I'm really glad you have found a nice partner, and you have two lovely children.

I don't know how old your children are so it's hard to suggest anything.  All i can think is if they are young maybe looking for some toddler parent groups/clubs, where you and your kids can meet new people.  Is it possible for your mother or mother in law to have the children over for the night once a week, month, or fortnight, that way you could find a class or club you could get into, that's a good way to meet people.  What are your neighbours like? 

Have you considered seeing a counsellor to talk everything through?  There are some good ones, as well as not so good ones, out there so you have to see who you get on with the best if you decided to go down that route.  I found counselling so helpful to resolve emotions i'd bottled up for years about my father and my violent ex.  The crying uncontrollably might be your emotions 'bubbling over', it might help to talk through some of them with someone who is impartial and non-judgemental?

I really feel for you, there's nothing worse for me than feeling isolated and lonely.  I'm the same when my partners not here, every noise in the night makes my knees knock!

Sending you hugs,

Sarah :-)

Posted 1/19/2007 2:32 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the hug.  I certainly need one.  My kids are 4 and 6.  I have looked into getting my 4 year old into a preschool program but it would cost half my paycheck each week.  As far as getting involved in a support group of some type, I don't know of any in my area.  I'm sure there are some since I am in a big city now but I don't know my way around the town.  Being new to the area I'm scared to leave my kids with anyone I don't know really well.  My past has caused me to be a rather protective parent.  Since my kids' dad doesn't see them regularly my mother keeps them one Saturday night a month and their dad's mother keeps them one Saturday night a month.  Those weekends are the only time I'm without my kids.  I don't know that there would be any meeting on Saturday nights or Sunday mornings.  It is something I might check into.  Far as the neighbors go, I live toward the end of a street in a housing addition.  The house to my right is a Pathfinder type home and the house to my left is a retired teacher and her retired husband who spend very little time at home.  Far as the rest of the neighbors go, I'm not sure.  I haven't had a lot of time to go meet them.  The addition committee chairman lives in the house right behind me.  Maybe I could see about joining the committee.  But then again, I don't know that they have a childcare service available during the meetings.  I have considered counseling but then again, I have noone I can leave my kids with while I attend counseling.  The only people I have to talk to about my issues are my sweetie, his mom, and my mom.  I haven't seen or talked to any of my co-workers since I changed shifts.  Since I moved, my co-workers live between 45 and 90 minutes away.  I lost contact with all my high school buds when I got with my ex-husband.  The only friend I kept in close contact with passed away from cancer 3 years ago.  I had another friend who I used to talk with all the time but she's worse off than I am.  Until one of us gets better we really aren't any support for each other.  Rather than making me feel better she makes me feel worse lol.  Well, it's about time to lock, deadbolt, and barracade the doors again.  Thank you for your advice.

Honesty

Posted 1/19/2007 10:53 AM (GMT 0)

Hi honesty, welcome to healing well forum we are happy to have you join us here.  I am so very sorry for all you have been through and continue to go through.

Let me just tell you a little about my background as I can relate to some of what your feeling.  I also grew up in an abusive home, my real father used to beat my mother on a regular basis until the first time he ever hit me when I was 2 and half and she then left him and divorced him.  She met a man who promised at be a great father to me and who loved her, so they married.  He ending up sexually and physically abusing me for many years to come.  My little brother was also physically abused by his father.  My mother worked a lot and didn’t know what was happening in our home, we were very good at keeping secrets.  By the time everything came out and we were safe and away from him the damage had already been done psychology.

I did end up getting married then divorced but I always had anxiety/panic and depression, my husband was never any help in this area. I spent a great deal of my life scared of men and sometimes I still am leery and cautious.  But like you I would lock myself in my apartment and be afraid that I still was not safe.  When you suffer a trauma such as you have these are overwhelming instincts that just kick in and you cannot control them.  You do need to go to counseling to try to work through these issues as this is the only way you will ever be able to move on with your life and live in peace with what has happened to you.  It took me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin to feel at peace with my past and yes, there are days when I still don’t and it does haunt me...but that is the child in me who still hurts and has a hard time forgiving.

As for the antidepressants your Zoloft in specific I wonder if your actually taking it now as prescribed?  and how much if you are?  There was an interesting study done a few years ago regarding Zoloft, Prozac and Remeron that showed patients who took it sporadically instead of regularly as prescribed or those that it for a few months then stopped and restarted it again after a few months that these medications actually lose their effect for those patients.  I used to have that saved on my computer but I just got it back from having it upgraded and it is lost now...I will see if I can find that study again.  That was interesting to me as I was on Zoloft for years and had also had a habit of starting and stopping myself and of course it stopped working for me last year and I went through one of the worse depressions I have ever had.  Perhaps you can speak to your doctor about this and see about another medication or an adjustment in dosage.

Either way please know that we are here for you for support if you ever need us. 

Posted 1/19/2007 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your advice. The prescription I'm currently taking has actually expired. My doctor didnt' really give me a specific dosage. He told me to toy around with it and see what works for me but not to take more than 100 mg/day. He started me on a 25 mg dosage for anxiety attacks and that didn't seem to help much. Before I could get back in to see him the depression hit again. He suggested I double the dosage. He said I could take 25 in the morning and 25 in the evening. Or I could take 50 in the morning and 25 in the evening. Or 50 in the morning and 50 in the evening. However I was comfortable with so long as I didn't go over 100 mg/day. After my son was born I continued to take the Zoloft for another couple months. The panic attacks went away and the depression lessened. I would have good days and bad days and as strange as it may sound, I could tell when I woke up if my panic attacks were going to hit that day or if I was going to have a 'downer' day. On those days I would take 50mg when I woke up and if I didn't feel better by 1 or 2 I would take 50mg more. At my next 'yearly' the doctor asked how I was getting along. I told him of my sporadic dosing. He was shocked to find that it helped me. He said I should be having w/draw symptoms or something. He didn't seem to worried about it. I told him I wanted him to refill my prescription so I would have the meds should I need them. I kept this up for about a year. Then my husband decided that he would rather sit at home and play video games than go to work. I started working 16 hour days to keep the bills paid. The depression hit hard and heavy. I started taking the meds again on a daily basis. I put up with that for about a year before I discovered that he was so engrossed in his video games that he was neglecting the kids (who were 2 and 4) to a point that they were in danger. I packed our bags, took the kids, and left him. Within a month the depression had nearly disappeared. The only 'down' times I had was when the kids would ask me questions about their Dad and why we weren't together anymore. I was off the medication completely for over a year and a half before the depression hit once again. It was when we moved away from everything I knew that it started again. Wow, I sure ramble a lot. I guess the simple answer to your question/comment is No, I am not taking it as prescribed as it has been almost 3 years since my prescription was updated. I need to go back and see my doctor again not only for my 'yearly' checkup, but to make sure that it isn't my ovaries acting up. I may only be 26 but my doctor did say that after having a hysterectomy my ovaries may act up or go into early menopause. So I need to find out whether it's actually depression or if it's just my hormones. Either way I need to get in and get things figured out before I drive everyone around me as crazy as I am lol.
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