Please take time to read, it took me 2 hours to write this, all i need is some advice

Hello my name is Matthew and I am 17
I'm am not entirely sure how to start this, but for a while now I have been finding it hard to concentrate in school and now college, last year I had to change schools because I was being bullied at my first school and I admit it was my fault due to the fact that I retaliated in a lesson. I wasn't completely sure what happened but Yes I lost my temper. Arriving at my new school I was really up for making new friends and to settle down and gain my GCSE's, the plan then was to study Mental Health and Nursing at the local University the next year, however people didn't accept me, only a few people did. Once again people started to bully me and this time I resisted retaliation and my way of dealing with it was to skip lessons. I had a girlfriend, but I wasn't truly happy, through her I met a boy called Ian, for months I would go round his house instead of going to school, he had been home tutored and was about to go to music college, he was smart, I'm not saying he was a bad influence, however he really should have said that I couldn't have gone round his and instead I should have gone to school. Through him I met this person called CJ, he told me that he wasn't a nice person however he was adamant that the only way for me was to discover the real truth on my own, and yes I found out in the worst possible way, he sexually assaulted me, I told my Mum and I told someone that was a good friend to me at the time, he decided to spread that I was gay, I started going going back to school, its was my "Clean page", I decided to turn over "a new leaf" but the people that previously bullied me, bullied me more and they all just called me gay, there was nothing I could do, walking out of school would possibly land my Mum a hefty fine or even land her in court, I had to face it. I turned to crime, got myself a criminal record and I am doing a system under the YOT (Youth Offending Team) its nearly finished now and I feel I am a changed person, my self esteem is a lot higher and I feel alot better about myself, I have a wonderful Girlfriend, but I am re-doing my GCSE's but I feel like I'm going to fail, I'm behind on work, I feel that If I fail this I will lose her, my Mum keeps getting letters through the door, informing her of how late my work is. She will kick me out, there is no doubt about, she keeps relating me to CJ and telling what a waster I am, his name makes me shudder, makes me angry and depressed. I want to live with my Dad, but my mum controls him and he can't look after me due to the fact that he is ill and won't let me live with him.

I have weird dreams, where I thrive on hurting people, I have dumped my Girlfriend every night this week in my dreams and the echo of harmful things I have called her, ring on in reality, I love her so much but I have actually considered finishing it with her everyday on the bus to college, I don't know why because she is the only person to make me feel complete. Maybe I feel that she deserves better, a sane person?

I don't know who you are, but whoever you are please don't judge me in a bad way, as my Dad always says "I can't change the past but I can change the future, I can't change where I have been but I can change where I am going and I can't change what I have done but I can change what I am going to do" , my friends won't understand they just think that i'm losing the plot, because my way of reacting, I act loud, I'm yearning for total attention, I understand this but cannot stop it, many a time I have tried. I can't tell my Girlfriend, who is the most important person to me because I am too scared to lose her, sometimes I just need "Me" time, I go on long meaning-less walks and I think about the meaning of life. I can see it in her eyes, its the only thing that she doesn't understand about me, is the fact I have major mood swings. I hope she doesn't think it's personal, but how do you tell your Girlfriend you got raped?

This is not the appropriate place to address your issues, which require professional evaluation. You should seek a psychiatrist's care to help organize your thoughts and cope with your anxieties.

There is help available and you can feel better with appropriate care. But you have to take the first step and call a doctor.

You have to call a doctor if you want to get better. They will understand and get you some help for the distressing thoughts. It's the only way for you.

Doc's have heard it all. I would go to one soon. Keep posting, it can help to talk about it too.

hey Matt

I geuss the one thing I think you should know is that you are never alone and no matter what you may think others are saying or thinking about you, it is not always true. Never judge a book by it's cover,  same thing applies. You may feel like people will not understand but trust me with the way the world is going on these days , the only way they wouldn't understand, is if they have been lving in a cave for the last 40 years. I have found that it takes alot of courage to say "hey I have to talk about how I am feeling" but once you make that step it does get alot easier. You really need to find a professional to talk to, even if you start by talking to your family doctor who will be able to send you in the right direction. Life is for living and feeling all the amazing things this world has to offer but it will also have it's up and downs too. If you like this girlfriend enough you will find the will to tell her what you feel she needs to know at the time. Let her know what is going on and make a decission together.

 

good luck and know that there is ALWAYS help

Matt
First of all I am glad that you found this forum. Please post everyday if you need to, tell us what is on your mind. Even if you don't get advice that you think works for you,you at least can get the thoughts out.
I have a 16 year old son that is bi polar. He has been through alot...that is all I will say on that.
Ok I am going to ask you if you have been to a doctor? Have they talked to you about putting you in counseling,or maybe some meds? you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I am so sorry for what you have been through.
Kids your age can be so mean. It has already been proven that bullies can damage a child beyond help.
The person that hurt you should be in jail.
Have you thought about changing schools again? I know it is hard,but you have to get away from the bullies. I don't understand why kids feel that they have to hurt someone.They don't understand what they are doing I guess. Also I blame it on their parents too.
It sounds to me that you are lost in the system. That makes me very angry. You should not be lost,you should have tons of support from the school and doctors.
Talk to your parents Matt,tell them everything you are feeling. Tell them you need help,and you are not sure what to do. Tell them everything you have told us.
Please don't give up and please keep us informed on how you are.
Take care!!

Hi,

I'd like to introduce myself.  My name is Michelle and I am 44 years old, and co-moderator of the Chronic Pain forum.  I was asked to read this thread, and once I did, I wanted to respond to a few issues.

1.  Matt

I know how hard it was for you to come here and bare your soul the way you did.  I am a sexual abuse survivor myself, and know firsthand what it is like to live with that.  I do think you need real life (not computer) support as well as coming here.  YOU did NOTHING wrong.  CJ did the wrong.  Calling a rape crisis center or counselor would be an excellent first step to take in order to get your life back and feel in control.

Regarding not fitting in at school - You need to accept yourself before others can accept you.  It doesn't matter whether you are gay, straight, bi......you are still a human being and deserve the same respect as anyone else.  There will always be an elite group who feel they are better than everyone else, and the best way to deal with them is to ignore them.  They will find something else to talk about and poke fun at soon enough.

The last paragraphs of your post worry me.  Any form of violence is not the answer.  That just puts you in the same category as CJ.  The fact that you are having those dreams is also worrisome.  I agree with the person who suggested printing this thread and taking it to your school counselor.   The counselor should be able to refer you to some who will understand what you have been through and give you coping skills to deal with this.

2.  Geebs

Please forgive me for stepping in here...but I think you need to understand that here at Healing Well, we do not diagnose or judge others.  We are a forum for support and information-sharing.  While your suggestions that Matt see a doctor are very sound, it does seem that you are asking him not to post here.  Matt posting here was the first step to him getting the help he needs.  Turning him away is NOT the thing to do.

You seem to have some medical knowledge, as do I.  I use my knowledge to guide others to seek what they need.....not tell them what they must do.  It isn't my place or yours to make decisions for others, or make them feel uncomfortable here.  If Matt breaks the rules, the Depression Moderators will handle it.

I don't want to offend you Geebs.  I am just asking you to tone it down a little bit and remember that others may not be as strong as you are right now.  Sometimes just knowing that a faceless friend knows and understands you is enough to help you take the next step.

 

Thank you George :)

I too know what it is like to be judged by others and found to be lacking or "different".  It can be very painful.

Your honesty is impressive and may serve as an example for others. 

I do wish you the best on your path as well,

Michelle

Matt
THIS is the place to come and get support and not be JUDGED
I am so sorry for all you have had to deal with I do believe you have trouble talkin to someone but it may be best to put it to paper and take to counsellor at school as suggessted ........
This forum and site offers the greatest support sysytem and also ,most of the BEST and Empathetic ppl I have ever had the chance to be part of and get to know
I have been helped immensely thru so much in the yrs I have been here .....
If you want to talk my info is under name and I would be more than happy to talk to you
I do a "Teen Night" and we have a group of teens that come in and hjust yak about wahatever is on there minds there are of course some things that have to be dealt with professionally as I am sure you do understand but anyhow I am here if you want to talk
You are not alone and you are not being judged
Take care and God Bless......
LYN .