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Posted 2/7/2007 11:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,  I have made a counseling appointment for myself which is coming up very soon...this coming tuesday.  I have to say that I am a little nervous about it, its been a few months since I have been in counseling and I am scared of stiring up all those negative emotions again in myself.  I know I need to address them and that I why I made the appointment but I was wondering if anyone here has had these same feelings.

I was sexually & physically abused by my stepfather from a very young age (3-11 yrs old).  I refused for the longest time to get any type of help to deal with this, so my family and I went on as if it never happened.  Now it is so weird because I can think of it or anything that up sets me in general and then easily push them aside in my mind and feel fine...this cant be right.  This isnt dealing with life.  I worked for so many years in the psychiatric field and I saw first hand where I didnt want to end up.  I think in a lot of ways this helped and hurt me as I was able to go on with my life and know that so many people are worse off then me and what happened to me...I think without that experiance I would of ended up somewhere like that early on in my life with self destructive behavior.  But the way it hurt me was that I concentrated on others so much that I feel that I lost touch of a part of my self and made me more guarded of speaking freely to my doctors and counselors, I weigh every word before I speak it then afterwards go through in my mind over and over to make sure I didnt "miss step".  I am worried I am just setting myself up for failure here.

I have so many issues I know I need to deal with.  Not just the abuse from when I was a child but also my health is a huge one, and dealing with my crazy family.  I learned so early in life to act like everything fine, smile, be happy and never let anyone know that something is wrong and after all this time and all these medications I have been on I keep doing this same behavior...my shell is starting to crack and I am afraid if it does I wont ever be able to put myself back together again.

Posted 2/7/2007 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elisha,
Wow I can totally relate to what you are going through right now. That is one main reason why I avoid counseling. I know I shouldn't but I too am afraid of the emotions coming out in full blast.
They say it is a good thing for that to happen,I myself am not too sure about that.Because as I am sure you know,once those bad emotions hit you,then that is when the panic attacks start. That is when the nightmares start.
I know it is not good to keep those feelings bottled up. It is better to let them out so you are able to start the healing process.
But,from you being on this site,and being able to relate to other people that have been through similiar situations...and giving your advice and your personal experiences.Well,to me that is a HUGE step. I think you are a very strong person,and you give great advice on here. I don't think you are giving yourself alot of credit.
I know it is different to actually hear it coming out of your own mouth,and to sit accross from someone and worry about judgement ect ect. But,again you are able to express yourself quite a bit on here.
Elisha,healing is a long and hard road. And everyone is different as far as what they can handle and what helps them.
Just always keep in the back of your mind,that you survived the abuse. You are able to wake up everyday and know that you are a very strong person,and no one can take that away from you.
I am sure you have seen me say this before,but I still believe that people who have not had to endure such horrible things in their lives,are not as strong as the ones that have.

Shy
Posted 2/7/2007 8:46 PM (GMT 0)
Oh we are so alike!   I was having counselling for a while but I didn't benefit from it like others do.  I still have the feeling of shame that goes with my abuse so I hate sitting and talking to a complete stranger and wondering and worrying about what they are thinking of me. The very first time that I spoke about my abuse was only toward the end of last year when I was admitted to hospital so things being out in the open are still pretty new and raw for me so I couldn't handle counselling right now and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I share your feeling and your worries.  Counselling is great for some people and not for others.  I have so many unresolved issues like you and have put on a front for most of my life, pretending that everything is ok.  I now am being myself and not pretending anymore and that in itself is a relief, that I can just be me. I have to still learn to deal with the feelings I have of guilt, shame and disgust but I hope I get there eventually. Good luck for you appt hun, let me know how it goes.  Hope you are feeling better.   Love ya lots hun xxxx
Posted 2/8/2007 10:57 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you so much Shy and Vic you both are so supportive wonderful people.  I too Shy get the feelings of I start to talk about what happened so long ago I start to have nightmares again and flashbacks during the day and find that I have more panic and anxiety attacks when out in public.  I dont know if counseling has ever helped me in any respect with resolving the abuse issues, I have locked those feelings away and put them so it like it happened to a differant person (if that makes any sense?).  I worry that I carry this behavior over into everyday life.

I have never been one of those people that would say to someone "just get over it" if something is wrong or they are upset about something.  But I find that when I get upset or angry I can easily push these emotions aside without discussing them or even thinking of them further.  Where they go...I have no idea?  I know I am not "just getting over it" or dealing with them, I am just compartmentizing these things.  What happens when I finally build up too much?  I have a breakdown?  What? I dont know...the human mind only takes so much right? 

Healing is a long road and it is hard work...I dont think I can do it.  There are somethings I feel are so ingrained in me that cant be changed or fixed.  I learned how to cope and deal with life situations at a very young age when most people are learning normaly healthy relationships I was learning how to keep secrets and shut off things that happened in the "safety" of my house.  I am not sure I will ever be right as far as my abuse issues goes...

Posted 2/8/2007 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
I understand what you mean.
There are times that I will be doing something that has nothing to do with what happened to me,and I have a flashback. And I too have learned to push it aside. I find myself thinking "don't go there,don't ever go there". I know it affects my relationships,as there are many times that someone will touch me and I wince and find myself moving away. Even with my own kids,and that kills me inside. I don't mean too,it is just a reaction I get at times.
I try so hard not to do that.
Then watching movies that show someone being hurt,I feel my muscles tighten and my stomach starts to hurt.
Just typing things here sometimes makes me stop and take deep breaths.
I read the paper everyday from the town he lives in on line. I am looking for his Obit.
I have day dreams of going to his funeral and standing up and telling everyone that is there what he did.
I am not sure I will be able to do that mentally,but it is something that keeps me going. I don't know what I am going to do when that day finally does come.
I read the news articles about kids being molested,and it makes me want to scream. I know I have my daughter not trusting men. That was my fault totally. I did not even trust my own brother around her. Especially not her dad. And I have had long conversations with her over the years that if anyone ever touched her that she was to tell me no matter what they said. That I would never let anyone hurt her. I explained how it starts to her. She was young,and I felt horrible for going down that road with her,but is was the only way I could sleep at night.
I don't think we will ever be healed from this. Unless they find a way to erase it from our minds. It will always be there.
Posted 2/8/2007 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Els, ShynSassy & Victoria, I hope you don't mind me 'joining' in, but reading your posts is like reading my own thoughts. The confusion and uncertainty seem to be the same for us all and that is reassuring in an odd way.   It confirms we are not alone. I have avoided dealing with being raped for 16 years, I have avoided therapy and was on a very slow road to self destruct without realising it, my self esteem and confidence have just dwindled by the day, yet I still have the odd day when I am more determined than ever to ‘win’. OUtwarld I am fine, but inside its all a mess. I can’t offer advice, I don’t feel qualified, but I will say that counselling itself hasn’t worked for me as such, but the after effects have.   Thinking through what I have talked about sadly makes me realise that I hate myself as much as the three men that attacked me, if not more. I feel powerless most of the time. And I shouldn’t! I don’t quite know how to do it yet, but I know I have to learn to love myself before any amount of therapy or healing will happen.   I have to believe that I am worth it and even if it is just that I set aside 5 minutes a day to remind myself that I have a right to be here.   It’s a start. These horrible people may have been in control then, but they are not now.   I am in control, and that little reminder of power helps me take those little baby steps. I too, still feel the utter shame, the disgust, the guilt and the complete feeling of helplessness and when I do, I try to accept it, then I make sure I get a little anger going.   I cannot let this control me forever, I have one life I want to see the beauty and live the rest of it without fear.   I don’t want them to have the satisfaction of knowing that that they have ruined my life.   Please be strong girls, you are all beautiful individuals with the wonderful ability to help and support others, make sure you take some time to support yourselves.   You have the right. Thinking of you all. Wizzer  
Posted 2/9/2007 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Wizzer
of course you can join in! That is why we post.
I am sorry for what you have gone thru also.
You sound like you are a very strong person too,so you should always remember that.
And you are right,the bad people are not in control. It is just so hard to deal with,and of course the emotions take over at times.
Posted 2/9/2007 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Wizzer,   Thankyou so much for posting.  What you said in your post is so right, we cannot let this control us forever.  That is how I am trying to think at the moment.  I want to live my life and not be living in the past all the time.  I cannot let this rule me or I will never enjoy life.   You are such a strong person inside, we all are for going through what we have.  It does make us stronger, i think it just takes a long time to realise that. Your words of support mean so much.   Thanks again and take care
Posted 2/10/2007 8:20 AM (GMT 0)

Hi there everyone...My goodness, you have all been through soo much in your lives - this explains why you are strong and wise people in your own right :-) I have not been sexually abused, so I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must carry around with you..however there have been other 'stink' issues in my life that I have had to deal with over time and have found counselling to be a really positive thing to do! Els you talk about pushing emotional things aside..sheesh I am an expert in this field - and I can tell you where they all go - they go about skin deep..and slowly over a period of time they fester under the surface...we don't even realise that they are there until one day something kinda small happens in our lives and suddenly there is an explosion - everythings bubbles to the surface and we find ourselves in a 'heck of a mess'! I should know I have been there many times!

This is where counselling comes in...here you get to talk things through at your own pace and deal with each issue as you wish..you learn the art of thinking about things, dealing with them and then being able to fold them up neatly and tuck them away in a large box at the bottom of the wardrobe lol..instaed of dwelling on things and making ourselves sick!

Hugs

Maree

Posted 2/10/2007 11:36 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, your so right Maree!  I dont avoid all issues or confortations in my life there are somethings I am able to speak up and feel that there is some sort of resolution to them.  But there are others no matter how small or large they are I just ignore them.  It may be something that hurtful that my mother said not meaning too or something that I feel is a really big deal like when my dad's girlfriend (who I dont like) buts her nose into my past and talks bad about how my mom arised me & my brother.  She likes to bring up my abuse all the time...and I never tell her to stop it, I just listen to her until she passes the phone off to my dad.  That is just a small example and I dont have to face dealing with her often. 

Wizzer, you are more then welcome to join this conversation, as is anyone else.  I cant imagine what you went through.  I must of really been a nightmare come to life for you and so hard to deal with afterwards.  I am so very sorry.  It is odd how such differant situations yet it does all boil down to the same thing that these "men", were just after the high of power to control someone.  No matter if it is a child or an adult woman or what the cirsumstances.  Okay, so it wasnt about us...but it did change us forever right?  I think were I am going is that this all began for me when I was 3 yrs old, my very first memory was the first day I was abused by my stepfather.  I didnt grow up with normal thinking patterns like most children do, feeling happy, sheltered and safe.  I dont know if I would be dealing with this better if something like this happened later in life but I am almost thinking that no amount of counseling is going to help reverse some of my coping mechisims...maybe? 

Or does this all sound like a load of crap?

Posted 2/10/2007 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
Els..you will never forgive or forget what has happened in the past..that much I know for sure! But, learning skills to deal with these issues in other less self-destructive ways is what counselling can teach you to do :-)

You could not even begin to show any compassion or help the many people who post here at HW if it were not for the life experiences that you have endured...

You have admitted that you have many issues to deal with - so hey, what have you got to lose by trying the counselling thing?

Go to your appointment with an open and positive mind - no sceptical thoughts ok lol. Your first appointment will be just getting to know each other and probably will just skim the surface of your life experiences etc. from here it will be up to you where the counselling takes you.

Remember that You are in control of your life..not that negative little voice inside that doubts everything you try and resolve and do!

Love you Els - just the way you are! I am sending you a (((HUG))) from the other side of the world in New Zealand.

Maree

Posted 2/11/2007 10:21 AM (GMT 0)
Just wanted to give you a big ((hug)) els.   Love ya - as always xx   Ps you get present yet????
Posted 2/11/2007 11:50 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you Maree, I have been in counseling before and not felt that it was much benefit in some areas of my life...but there are some that it does help.  I will try to keep an open mind and not sabatoge myself and my own treatment as that is what I am famous for...I will keep you all update I am sure .  Be well my friend, I be New Zeland is beautiful!   :-)

Havent gotten anything yet Vic...I think customs has slowed down a lot since 9/11 eyes   Big hugs to you too...love you..El tongue

Posted 2/11/2007 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi I would encourage the counseling. If the counselor goes to a place to quick for you let them know. It is your time and your money. You have the right to direct the hour.
PS I am new here and want to start chat on frozen shoulder syndrome Can anyone out there direct me?! Thank you
Posted 2/17/2007 10:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Els -

Long time, no chat!  :)  I'm sorry to hear that you're wavering on whether or not to start therapy again.  Perhaps, now is not a good time for you.  Perhaps, what you might need is to do what has worked well for you in the past and stick with that.  Just something to think about... 

I read something this morning about tuning into our "authentic self".  Maybe, that's what you need, just to listen to what your mind and body are telling you and stop listening to what everyone else is telling you what you should or shouldn't do.  Because, when it all boils down - you know what's best for you, better than anyone else. 

Hope it helps!  :)

Miss ya!

Posted 2/20/2007 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
hey, im new here and i have already posted about my depression etc and then i read these posts. i was also sexually abused when i was 7 yrs - 12 ys old by a family friend and then raped by a friend when i was 18, none of my family or friends know, i never told a soul about either. i have the same feelings about counciling, iv never tried it and im too scared to for all the reasons u have mentioned. i find it too hard to talk to people i know so i think it would be even harder to talk to a complete stranger! im worried about what they will think of me, and i guess i feel that talking about it will make it all real somehow, like at the moment its just in my head - is that strange?!
Hope ur appointment went ok els :)
Posted 2/20/2007 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
Can I join you please. I dont normally tell other people about what I have been through. I have been bulimic for 30 years now because I was sexually abused by my step- father and wait for it, my natural mother. I dont want to speak bad of my mother as she died 11 months ago from Alzheimers and I love her very much.

I was abused from the age of 9 til I was 16 and that was when I finally left the home. (I was sexually abused) physically as well as mentally. It was horrid but I didnt know any different really. I thought I deserved it because my mother told me I was ugly.

I cant go to any counselor either and I wont. I am a firm believer in God and believe He has got me through all this and kept me save after I left home. I have been raped too and I believe I have made many mistakes because of my abuse. I dont know how I do it but I have also attracted the wrong men in my life and all I wanted to do was meet a loving warm man but the man I am with now used to physically abuse me and I am still with him. The abuse has stopped but when he used to hit me, I thought I deserved it and so this is the reason why I am still with him. Before him I met a guy who was violent but didnt touch me, he drank too much and i met a guy before him who used to buy **** magazines. It was so horrid. I just couldnt understand why the world was full of cruelty.

I have 3 children now to 3 different men because they all left me (well Im still with my youngest daughters father) I dont trust him and I warn my children against men. I have a son and 2 daughters and I am so worried for my daughters. I am over protective and very cautious when we are out because I dont trust anyone.

It has ruined my life. I still think Im ugly and if someone abuses me I think I deserve it. I always try to buy my friendship with people, especially my husband. You know he never even bought me a wedding ring. I knew it shouldnt be like this but then again, who was I. Im no one special. How rediculous am I? Of course we are all special. I know we are special but I find it hard to love myself. I cant even hug my kids except the youngest because she is only 4 and I dont look stupid to her. She loves me, no matter what I look like.

I hope we can help each other. To build each other up and to know that we are all very special. Its not our fault what happened to us. How are we to undo this. I cant just keep blocking it out. Maybe I will see someone in the future when Im not too scared about raking up the past.

Posted 2/21/2007 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for all your responses, it is surprising to find so many others feel the same way as I do.  And at the same time it is horrifing to find that so many children have went through the same experiances, and just feel stuck from those feelings and that cycle of abuse.

I did go to see the new counselor, the reasons I had to switch was for insurance purposes and my old counselor whom I hadnt seen in months told me he felt I didnt need to come back unless I needed too.  Well, knowing me I wasnt going to make that step unless it was something major.  I cant say what really pushed me to make an appointment this time it was just a general feeling of unrest and underlaying anger and increased depression.  Kind of like all these thoughts of my past just wouldnt stop and were always popping up, I havent been dealing with it and basically never have.  I was extremely scared to go and didnt know what to expect but I am SO glad I did as my new counselor is wonderful.  Her specialty is child abuse issues, she asked me direct questions which I found for me were easier for me to answer straight off then me having to just rattle off what had happened.  I am hopeful that this time it may help.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how my life and relationships have gone.  My patterns of getting into abusive relationships, botteling up my emotions and running away from my problems corrolate between how my mothers relationships were and how it effected how she raised my brother and I.  She wasnt a bad mom and she did her best with what she had but with being abused herself and not getting any sort of help or counseling for it that made it a differant person and effected how she interacted with us and everyone else.  Now I see my abuse has damaged me and I need to break that cycle.  I worry that if I dont break that cycle it continues to give my abuser power over me and my life, not only that but the power over those who come into my life in the future.

Posted 2/21/2007 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elisha
I was worried about you. I am so glad that you found a fit for your counseling. Hopefully this doctor will keep up the good work with you and you are able to finally find some peace.

Shy
Posted 2/22/2007 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
jacquidube, I don't doubt your faith in God and am glad that you have your faith for support. I do wonder though if God wants you to be so unhappy? Isn't it possible that God put therapists here too so that we have someone with us here who can help us?
Posted 2/22/2007 2:20 PM (GMT 0)
just wanted to 'drop in'. {[(<BIG HUG to everyone!>)]}
Hoping and Praying for better days,
Chad
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