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Posted 4/10/2007 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
I don't remember where I read it or who might have said it, but the term "blue meanies" has stuck and it seems appropriate for me today.  I've been feeling down for the past few days where I don't want to move, where getting up and making a meal seems like an enormous chore that I just can't bear, and walking up three flights of stairs just completely wipes me out.  I saw my doctor today who upped my dose of Wellbutrin, but it doesn't seem to have taken any effect yet.  Well, I guess I should amend that - I am typing to you all so that is something productive rather than just curling up and pushing everything aside, which is what I have done for the past two days. sad

But, I'm just so frustrated, since I had been doing so well and now I feel like I'm back where I was before I went to see my doctor.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that so many people have to deal with this.  It's not fair that it robs you of your passion, your joy, and your motivation to do good things.  It's not fair that it sucks all of the brightness out of the day, where I don't even care whether or not the sun is shining.  It's not fair that it steals my ability to notice the simple things, the beautiful things, the everyday nice things that people do for me.  It's not fair that it makes me see the future as never changing and so bleak.  It's not fair that it crawls into my brain and overtakes my ability to care.  It's not fair.  It's not fair.  It's not fair.  mad

Posted 4/10/2007 11:13 PM (GMT 0)

Hi SadSong

I wish I could offer some words of advice or a suggestion, but I can't as I am going through the same thing as well. I hope the increase in Wellbutrin helps soon. I just wanted to let you know, that I agree completely. It's not fair at all. I hate feeling this way. I'm usually such a caring and empathetic individual but right now I feel like such a monster. It will be nice to care again though. Big Huggs! I hope things look up for you soon.

Posted 4/11/2007 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sadsong,
Give the meds a few weeks to take full effect. And you might need to consider counseling to try to help you figure out what triggered the depression.
If after a few weeks you don't see any improvement I would contact your doctor again.
I am sorry you are feeling down,and I really hope you start to heal.

Keep us posted and stay strong

Shy
Posted 4/11/2007 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Michele -

Thanks so much for your understanding.  It's greatly appreciated.  It's always nice to hear that someone else knows where I'm coming from.  I find great comfort in that, so again thank you.

Hi Shy -

I actually have an appointment next week and we've been working on a lot of different stuff over the past 9 months or so with my therapist.  At first, she was helping me with anxiety, but my depression has taken more of a hold lately so we've been focusing in on that instead.  I realize that sometimes meds can take upwards or 4 weeks or more to take effect, but the thing is - I've been on this stuff for about 4 weeks now and it was doing wonders for me, but it doesn't seem to have any effect now which is extremely frustrating, since not that long ago I was singing to the radio, jumping out of bed to check on my little seedlings I have scattered throughout my apartment, doing things that give me simple pleasure like eating chocolate and taking bubble baths when the mood stuck.  But, now each of my limbs feels like they weigh 100 pounds each, my outlook on life is dark, and my ability to care about anything seems to have evaporated. 

There are a lot of things that have contributed to my depression.  My mom got sick, then my dad, then I got a new job and moved, I haven't made any new friends in this city, it's much more family focused or elderly than young professionals, which is the category I fall into.  The last relationship I was in ended badly and I just feel so alone and isolated.  I tend to be a "social butterfly" according to my Mom, but when I'm down I'm too afraid to talk to people and my words just come out all wrong anyways.   sad  

Right now, I feel like I'm face down in a ditch and I can't seem to roll over and pull my face out of the mud.       

Posted 4/13/2007 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I'm bluemeanies. When I picked the name I was feeling pretty blue and kind of mean. It also is the name of some characters in The Yellow Submarine movie by The Beatles.

I have anxiety/panic disorder, a form of arthritis, crohn's disease, depression, high blood pressure and thyroid problems so you can see where I may not always be in the best mood, hee hee hee.

One of my cats was also poisioned by the bad pet food but did survive it. His kidney levels were three times their normal function and he will be on special food and a suppliment for life.

I'm trying to stay in a good mood today, it's Friday and things could always be worse.
Posted 4/13/2007 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
I think that we are all so used to "blaming" depression for everything that sometimes we forget that people with depression can develop other issues.  Often people with depression don't eat right, they don't get enough protein, vitamins and minerals.  How is your iron count?  Hubby takes Nexium for acid reflux and it gave  him a low iron count because food isn't absorbed well.  I am not saying that depression isn't the issue but if you have increased your meds and it still didn't help, perhaps there are other causes. :-)
Posted 4/13/2007 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all -

Well, they've kicked in! Yippee!  It's great!  I haven't felt this good since I was in high school when a single Mountain Dew would give me a ton of energy!  :)  I actually washed all of the dishes in my sink before going to bed last night, which is huge accomplishment for me!  (I absolutely HATE doing dishes and only do them when it is absolutely necessary.)  It took a while, but they are done!  Yippee!  Plus, I have plans for this weekend, which I'm really looking forward to.  That's another thing I don't do when I'm depressed.  While on the topic of depression, I definitly feel like depression is to blame for the way I feel, since IT is what makes me not want to get out of bed, or eat right, or just care good care of myself.  I actually have a rare blood disorder which affects the way my body absorbs iron, so I tend to get "run down" more easily than others.  There is no cure for it, I'm just suppose to eat right, drink lots of fluids, and get plenty of rest.  But, that's not always possible when I'm in down deep in the depths.

Hi Blue meanies -

I knew I heard or saw it somewhere.  Thanks for writing and pointing me in the right direction!  I love that name!  :)  It's a really creative and unique name. So sorry to hear about your cat.  That sucks.  I do hope you are having a fantastic Friday!  We've got sun here, but we're suppose to get a huge Nor'easter on Sunday!  Brr!  But, it'll be great to watch from inside the house!  :)     

Posted 4/14/2007 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
Sadsong
You have made my day!!!
I love seeing how better you are feeling that is so awesome!
Keep it up.
Focus on the things that you want to achieve and work towards those goals.
I hope you have a wonderful time this weekend.

Shy
Posted 4/16/2007 11:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Shy -

I'm glad to hear that I made your day!   I had a great weekend.  I met up with a friend of mine and we hung out and caught up on what we've been up to while window shopping, going to a movie, a museum, and doing lots of walking.  I was pooped by the time I got home!  (I haven't done that much exercise in  while and it was really good for me.  In fact I started doing yoga again, since I missed "working up a sweat"!)  Plus, we went out to lunch with some of her friends and we all got along so well that all of us plan on getting together real soon.  They are gonna come up here so we can go for a nice long hike and have a picnic.  We also make tentative plans, when the weather here finally clears, to go for a ferry ride!  I'm so happy that I made some new friends!  I love being a part of the world again!  I've also noticed that I'm starting to feel more confident, so I've been speaking up more at work and I've been striking up random conversations with people I hardly even know.  Which is something I always used to do, but I haven't in such a long time.  But, on the flip side, it seems like this stuff also make me super hyper and/or anxious.  I mean I can only sleep a maximum of 7 hours and I usually need 8 to 9 so I feel tired, but wired.  While I'm not completely overwhelmed by small tasks any longer; it still takes a little bit of motivation for me to accomplish stuff that I'd prefer not to do.  But, I think everyone has that problem from time to time...  It also seem like the super hyper/anxious part is wearing off, but when it does my energy level also wanes.   eyes   I guess a girl can't have everything she wants, exactly when she wants it!  tongue

Posted 5/2/2007 9:38 PM (GMT 0)
I tried to start a new thread, but the public computer I'm using won't let me. :( I feel like I'm starting to slide down the slippery slope. It's not that bad, so I'm not sure if I should make an appointment, but at the same time I don't want to take any chances. I'm frustrated and sad, and feel empty. I'm unmotivated and listless. I'd rather curl up and read than do anything else, even though it's a wonderfully sunny day outside. I think I may need some help... As I type those words it makes me even more sad, since I had been doing so well. But, I think people at work have started wondering what is going on, since I'm withdrawing even more and I'm even grouchy and grumpy and talkng back to my supervisors, which isn't good... I have a therapy appointment first thing tomorrow morning, so maybe we can talk about my anger issues then. It seems that since I've been on antidepressants all of these feelings have been coming out of the woodwork. I mean it seems like I've used depression as a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with any difficult situtations, confrontation, and even block out painful memories. It seems like a lot of things just erk the *** out of me lately. Little thing really piss me off very quickly. So, I've started to speak up for myself, something I hadn't been doing in the past, so now some people are finding it difficult to work with me, since I won't bend over backwards for them anymore. But, I guess the thing that bugs me the most right now - Is I'm frustrated with not feeling 100%. Don't I deserve it? Why does this happen and why is the road to recovery so **** difficult? Why don't I feel as good as I did when I first started taking this stuff? I want it to work **** it and now it doesn't. As a friend of mine used to say ****ing A. I realize that there will always be bumps in the road along the way, but **** it, it seems as though all of the bumps happen at the same time and I'm having a difficult time coping with them. Grr!
Posted 5/3/2007 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sad Song, I'm having a hard time coping right now too. My cat that was poisoned is not going to live for long and it's breaking my heart. Yesterday the company I work for was bought out and I will most likely loose my job. I live alone and both of these are stressing me out. I also have crohn's disease and now my guts are hurting pretty bad because of the stress.

I have a problem with getting very angry very fast, mostly in traffic. I am trying to acknowledge it and change it but that's hard to do. I think talking to a counselor might help you. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Posted 5/4/2007 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
I feel much better now.  It's as though as soon as I typed it all out the other day my anger and frustration just washed away!  :)  I did talk with my therapist about all of this the other day and she seems to think it's quite normal and healthy.  For a long time I haven't felt anything at all and whenever something happened that I didn't like I just took it.  Now, I'm starting to be more engaged in life, but just out of practice with how to effectively deal with my feelings when dealing with others.  She suggested talking with those folks that I trust and explaining to them what's going on, but only revealing as much as I want to, and going from there.  I think she's right, especially since I haven't told anyone at all.  I've just posted here, talked with my doctor, and my therapist.
Posted 5/7/2007 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
Sadsong
That is great,you are going to have good days,bad days and very bad days. It is part of the healing process.
Use this board to vent,cry,laugh whatever is needed that day.


Good luck and keep us posted.

Shy
Posted 5/7/2007 9:06 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks Shy -

I'm definitely finding that I have good days and bad days, as well as good moments and bad moments within those days.  I'm getting braver and less worried about what other people think of me.  I'm becoming more social, not as much as I have been when I'm "normal", but more than I have been when I'm deep down in the throws of the big D.  I guess it all just takes time, focus, energy, and motivation.  I'm also finding that the weather has a lot to do with it.  If it's a nice warm and sunny day, I'm much more motivated to get up and do things, whereas when it's cool and rainy I'd much rather curl up and read and stay in bed all day.  So, I'm gonna keep a closer eye on that to see if I might have SAD.  Otherwise, I'm just trying to take one day at a time, try to listen to my body (which is something I'm relearning how to do) and make the most of it!  :) tongue    

Posted 5/8/2007 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
That is all you can do. It is a long road to healing and it takes awhile. I too wish it would happen overnight,and I wish once you felt better then it never came back again. But not the case I have found.



Shy
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