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Long and short of it... plz help me, help my wife!

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Posted 6/20/2007 8:04 PM (GMT 0)

My wife has this darned disease call major depression. She was on a very low step down dosage of Wellbutrin due to us trying to conceive… when out of no where she pops up with, “I’m filing for divorce”… Now this literally came a week after us trying to have another child… She refused to continue our marriage counseling seasons… she refused to go back to her PC doc… She refused anything that might help her get better… she literally could not bring herself to get off the couch for a month… Daily life was a major chore… HER ONLY OPTION WAS TO FILE AND MOVE BACK TO FLORIDIA!!  She has spent the last 4 years on the run… She always had good reasons why (or so I was told)… She never really told me the truth

 

Since we filed May 21st, I have not been able to speak to her… I made several attempts (two messages on her cell phone) prior to her moving on the 24th of May, but no luck… I called on of her friends to seek help, but that exchange resulted in the following email to me… My parents had each sent a text message to her that simply told her that they love her, will miss her and are always there for her. 

 

After reading so many postings, I can’t help but feel that if she would seek the appropriate help (therapy and meds) that things would even out for her… and still hopefully us!

 

Reason for edit:

 

I have taken the letters/emails out of the post for 2 reasons. One is that we have to be careful what we allow on the forum since there are people as young as 13 on here. The second is that there would be an ethical question over posting emails that people have sent to you as private. I see no reason why you cannot describe how she reacted when your parents sent the text message (Such as a brief synopsis) but not posting copies of private emails. I hope you understand why I have done this, and if you want to email me privately to discuss this I am more than happy. You can use the envelope icon on the left.   

 

 

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 6/21/2007 2:43:21 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/21/2007 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
I rarely post on this site anymore but I had to reply to your post.

Your wife could either be bipolar or she has multiple personality disorder. OR (hate to say it) she's cheating on you. Her sudden behaviour, that 180 turn around is really weird seeing as you two were planning on creating a child.

The thing is, no matter what you do right now nothing will help. If you try to talk to her, contact her in ANY way, she will turn and go the other way. Let her go for now...Who knows, maybe some space apart will knock some sense into her, she'll get a taste of how life will be without you in it.

She has to WANT help, WANT to change and by her actions she's showing you she's not willing to do so.
Maybe she has to hit rock bottom before changing. One thing about depression, it brings the worst out in the sufferer, not only the guilt of being a burden, but losing faith and respect for yourself. A part of her is missing and because of that she is suffering badly. It HURTS watching the one you love change before your eyes and there isn't anything you can do to prevent it.

What you can do for yourself is consider seeking therapy for you, so you don't fall apart. That and keep busy. Focus on friends, family, hobbies, any distraction right now is a good thing. If you love her, stick by her, let her go, atleast for now. Have faith that in time she will figure it out and come back to you.

Hope this helps.
Posted 6/21/2007 2:22 AM (GMT 0)

Red, thank you for the post... I didn't mention in my thread that our therapist wanted "us" to take the MMPI 2 due to suspicions that she may be bipolar. He recommended the “we” in an effort not alienate her from therapy… he had mentioned to us the meds needed to be tweaked and though that a Pdoc was in order.

 

I am giving her the space to do what it is she needs to do… I, myself, am moving on with life… I just moved into my new house yesterday… I still see the therapist about every 10 days… but the fact still remains that I stood up in front of God, family and friends and took a vow that was very serious… I sickness and in health.

 

Isn’t there someone that could email her and say, “Look I went through this as well and now my life is so much better”!... Her support channels now consist of drug dealers, burn outs, and untreated BPD’s… I’m never going to get through to her am I? Afterall, she does not want the help…

 

The fact still remains that I love her, she is my wife (for now) and I care deeply for her… I sound pretty co-dependent right now, but WOW… what a rollercoaster I’ve been on.

Posted 6/21/2007 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
You didn't choose this, neither did she. This is the disease that has taken over your wife. Right now she isn't the woman you married - SO DON'T BLAME YOURSELF AT ALL. Her poor judgement, frame of mind have led her down a path, a scary path...All you can do is hope her family and friends guide her, push her into getting help.

Another thing, that love you have, don't give up. Just because you two are not together right now doesn't mean forever. Have that faith. You're not co-dependant at all! This is someone you promised to love forever, as I said earlier, this wasn't your choice.

Good that you're going to therapy! And as for moving on with life, that's fine to keep busy, focus on you and fun things, but don't get involved with anyone (not saying you will) because that won't make the rollercoaster ride any easier.
Posted 6/21/2007 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
Wow. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have to say that my first reaction is that you are ONE LUCKY GUY. First, she (hopefully) didn't get pregnant. Secondly, you found out about her nature before you got further down the road of life with her and (as I said) had kids with her.

I don't mean to sound heartless. I understand that you love her, I do. But at the same time, it really doesn't seem as if she's "the one". It sounds as if she's got more going on than just depression. As someone said above, let her go for now and if she comes back, seek help (and wear a condom if you are intimate - SERIOUSLY, don't bring a child into this woman's life - or yours - until she is WAY better off than she is right now). If she doesn't come back, consider yourself lucky and move on...and be more careful of your choice for a life partner.

I speak from some experience. My wife has depression issues and low self esteem. It has made for a very, very difficult life. She's seeking help (which I give her BIG credit for), but my not getting her help prior to our getting married and having children (we have five kids) has lead to hard times and financial problems.

I wish you the best of luck,

Rick...
Posted 6/21/2007 4:36 AM (GMT 0)

From a girl with depression-

every so often I consider devorsing my husband, running off and leaving him with my 3 kids.  other times I can' believe that I even think that.  I constantly have the urge to run away when I am down. 

The No Past Issue sounds like she has a whopper of a past, like me.  I don't bring mine up either.  I have let it slip out, but only a little at a time, over the last 10 years, and my husband Still doesn't know 1/4 of it.  he never will unless there is a reason.

some questions would be if she went to church before the "fip out"?  How long were you married?  How long had you known her?  Do you have other kids with her or in the home?   

You have 3 choices at this point.  remain "married" and let her know ( through friends, through the legal system if you have to, or directly to her if you can) that you will be waiting for her to return.  make sure that she knows where to retun to and that you will accept her in any condition and will help her get there, if needed.  I would even contest the devorce procedings if it's not already finished.  I beleve that you can decide to contest at any time.

2nd choice.  Allow the devorce to continue.  Consider yourself as a person whose spouse has broken a legal agreement and move on SLOWLY. 

3rd choice.  In some states as a spouse you have the legal right to go get her and seek mental/medical help Against Her Will. She will hate you for it for a while, but she may come arround and love you for it later.  She may get grounded and still hate you for it, but she will be stable, and even if she continues to leave it is because she chooses that with a sound mind and not a confused one.  That will depend on the laws in your state.

My husband is BiPolor and I am a depressive (possibly BiPolor II)  I would make my husband well before letting him make that choice.  I would hope he would do the same to me.  I would be mad, but in the end I would thank him.  (Just like when he tosses me in the shower when I am in a funk.  The water is cold and I am mad, but I am out of bed and I get moving and I feel better)

 

Posted 6/21/2007 5:44 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the great feedback...

Rick: She already has children 11 and 3... different fathers. This is a fact that hurts me very much, her daughter (the 11y/o) will be starting her 5 school in a year! The 11 y/o is already on ADDHD meds... the 3 year old can only say one word "truck" and is a tazmanian devil... all she does is yell at the kids... can never "mother" them as a mother should... the do get fed, clothed, etc. but the emontional end of it is not there... as I type this I am beginning to wonder just what in the heck was I thinking... oh yeah... I was duped!

Christina: Some very interesting points you bring up... I am convinced that 1) she has no concept of what love really is 2) it was the intamacy that should could not handle (emotional not physcial) 3) accountability to anyone (including herself) is very scary for her. In your 2nd option you recommend moving on "SLOWLY"... what do you mean by this one? Your questions: chruch... we had just started going as a family the begining of Apri... Length of marriage 4 months we knew each other for 6 months... children I have two from a previous marriage (13 & 10) she has two from seperate previous relationships
Posted 6/21/2007 11:36 AM (GMT 0)
Ak
I replied to your email. Sorry I did not see it until later in the day.

You can't make someone love you. I know you are hurting right now,and want everything to be ok again.
But at some point you are going to have to walk away. It is time to worry about you and what you need and deserve. You deserve someone that loves you back,and does not turn on you like that.
As Red said she has a disease that has taken over her life,that is not your fault and until she deals with it there is not much you can do.
Posted 6/21/2007 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
AK,

Wow, now I really think that you may end up on the lucky end of this thing...as hard as it is to hear that. I went through a divorce almost 6 years ago and I probably couldn't hear that type of statement back then when I was in it, but I can see it now. Of course, that was a 15 year relationship (10 years married with two kids, house, business, etc.), so it was a bit tougher on me at the time (not to belittle your situation or feelings!).

Considering that your children are involved as well (I didn't know that before), you should really stop and take stock and a deep breath. She's got WAY more problems than you alone can handle or fix. As you've heard, you can't make someone love you and you can't make someone get better. You tried to create a good environment (that's what I've done with my wife) and she rejected it (probably because she was afraid that it was "too good to be true" or something similar). She may think that you will be better off without her and the only way she could leave without you talking her into staying is by running far away and yelling at you and making it seem as if she hates you. She may even have convinced herself that she does hate you. Whichever the case, you really are lucky that you didn't have a baby with this lady in the state she's in and her history.

Good luck with everything. This is tough, but you also need to consider your own well being and that of your kids (they could have been really badly affected if you had a baby with her and then divorced or she ran off with their sibling). I have a friend who had three daughters (twins and another one) and got married to a lady that has mental problems (bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, etc.). He thought that he could fix things by getting married. Less than two years later, they have a 1 year old daughter together, she's moved out, and his kids from before are CRUSHED because they got attached to his new wife and especially the baby. They hate that they don't get to see the baby much and that his wife seems not to care about them anymore because they don't see her and only hear about how she calls their dad names, etc. It's a rough situation and one that you may have just (luckily) dodged.

Rick...
Posted 6/21/2007 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there AK,

I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling since I have never been married, nor do I have children. I think you have to accept that there is a limit to the amount that you can do personally. If you try and push yourself, you put yourself at risk from exhaustion if nothing else. People have to want help for the help to be effective. Think of a smoker going cold turkey when they dont really want to give up... they are more likely to give in and have a cigarette than someone who is motivated to change. All I can suggest is that you support her in the best way that you know how. Perhaps a break is just what the doctor ordered. Some time away for her to clear her head. Im just thinking out loud now.

I will help in any way I can.

Warmest Wishes

Darren

Posted 6/22/2007 4:50 AM (GMT 0)
Update: I was notified today that my wife is/has filed for bankruptcy!!! I'm really not sure what she could possibly owe outside of school loans, as she has not held a job for over four years and I was the breadwinner. I have a feeling that I should be over on the BP thread, but to be very honest... I see that I, too, may suffer from depression in some manner. I have made an appointment to have a full evaluation. I am thanking God every other hour that she made the choice she did to leave... the hour I'm not, I am missing her (but that hour gets shorter all the time). My therapist feels that I have been going through the grieving process in good fashion... but it sure doesn't feel that way to me. My relationship with my children sure has gotten better. I was stunned to hear of the treatment that they would receive when I was not present... no wonder I had to twist arms to get them to come over.
Posted 6/22/2007 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Crap. You should speak to an attorney and find out what your options are. You may be able to get an annulment considering you've only been married 3 months (I think that is what you said). Otherwise, she may take your credit down with her.

My ex filed for BK a year after we divorced and after looking at all of my options with an attorney, the best option was to file myself (something I didn't want to do). Of course, we had been together for a long time and there was a lot there. Basically, everything she took debt-wise in the divorce immediately went back on me, so I had to file.

Rick...
Posted 6/22/2007 11:41 AM (GMT 0)
Sounds to me like she may have alot of hidden items in her closet...as Singer said I would contact an attorney right away. You don't want her to try to take you down with her.


Shy
Posted 6/22/2007 6:24 PM (GMT 0)
Shy and Singer have given some great advice that I want to echo. You need to look at all your options carefully before making any firm decisions and a solicitor is the best person to give you the advice.
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