Well the Dam broke

For some reason since I started as a mod I have not been posting myself.
I don't know why,maybe I felt that I was too busy with helping others and that was helping me. Wrong...very very wrong.

Alot of you already know my story, I am not going to go into every detail. But short of the long is :I have 2 kids ages 17 and 20. They live with their dad 2 hrs away. The rest of my family lives their too.
My b/f's family all live here,so I basically spend more time with them. Usually it is fine because I am not close with my family at all. (Not including my kids on that one)

Well,his parents are pretty well off,and they own a lake house. B/f loves to go there every weekend and drive boats ect ect. Which is usually fine with me as I enjoy it too.

My kids have been there several times. And they do enjoy it. Last summer my brother came up once. I thought it went well. His mom told me that it would be ok for him to come back,but it would be short notice since the house is not that big. I emailed her on Tuesday and asked if it was possible this weekend.
No response. I knew something was up.
My brother has sleeves of tattoos. He is a big guy,but with a heart of a puppy.
B/f's dad is very superficial and does not like him due to the tattoos.

His dad emailed my b/f yesterday. I called b/f and told him I was going to read it, because we both were wondering what was up with my brother coming.

Boy did I get a read.

His dad freaked out. He said he does not like my brother,he griped about my kids being at the lake,he just went on and on. He basically made it sound like I was trying to invade their house. That my kids were bad.

I am sure I am reading between the lines on alot of it,but he did make it sound like I was taking advantage of my b/f.

I had no idea he felt that way. They never told me that my kids were a problem.

They always act like that they are so happy that we are together. But they can't accept my family. So how is this going to work? How is it going to work if his family all think low of me? I have babysit his sister's kids! I have made sure that all birthday presents are bought,all birthday cards are sent out.
I have given them 100%

I would never ask my b/f to choose. That is unacceptable. But I do think now we are doomed. He will make the choice of his family in the long run.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I thought they cared about me as much as I did them.

I am sure I am not making sense. I started crying at 4pm last night and have not stopped since.
It just makes me sick that I have given this family everything that I can.
They have alot of problems and I have listened to everyone one of them. I have worried about all of them.

Why do people do that?

I am tired of giving 100% of myself to people. Of letting my guard down and actually loving someone only to get my heart ripped out.

I wish I could just become cold and distant at all times....I think that is the only way to protect myself.
I am an emotional person and I love to help people,but it seems to backfire.


Shy

Lyn
Thank you so much. I decided to work this weekend to be able to get my mind off of things. It is not good to sit all day and be upset.

B/F is very upset with his father. He said that he is not going to put up with it,we will see though.


Talk to you later

Shy

Shy,

I'm really sorry about this situation. I have had similar situations with my family and my wife's family (not about the kids' behavior, but just intolerant, ignorant, and unreasonable behavior). We've had to make some hard decisions about relationships and what we were willing to put up with. We had to try and talk to these family members and reason with them and come up with something that worked for all of us respectively. Sometimes it worked, sometimes we ended up parting ways. I just believe that we have to stand up for ourselves and our kids and loved ones. It's sometimes a very hard decision, but we teach our kids by our actions and if we bend our own morals and values, they pick up on that. I want my kids to have self respect and stand up for what is right - no matter who it is they are dealing with.

For example, I remarried five years ago and adopted my wife's two children (their bio dad is a loser and hadn't seen them for six years). When I told my mom that I was adopting them, she tried to TALK ME OUT OF IT. She gave me an example of a friend of hers who's son had adopted his wife's kids and then when they divorced, he ended up having to pay child support. WHAT??!?!?!?! I told her, that's how it works. If you adopt children they are YOUR children. I asked her what she expected me to do, NOT adopt them "just in case" something goes wrong in the marriage??? I explained that I loved my wife and loved OUR kids and I was not going to go into a lifelong marriage with one legal foot out the door. She didn't get it.

The bottom line is that over time we found that my mom was coming up to my area (she's 2 1/2 hours away) and taking my two kids from my previous marriage out shopping and having fun while my kids were with their mom. What this means is that two of my four kids (at the time - we had a baby together later) out for fun and games while my OTHER two kids were sitting at my house. So of course, my two kids from my ex wife would come home telling their brother and sister how much fun they had with Nani and Papa, making my other two kids feel like crap. It was unacceptable. They would drive up and stay several days without even calling my house or contacting my other two kids whatsoever. There's a lot more to this (including disrespecting us in our own home), naturally, but after a lot more crap from my mom, I'd had enough. I gave her our position and explained how we were hurt and weren't going to take it anymore. I explained to her that we simply required that she respect us in our own home and not treat our children differently because of how it makes them feel. Apparently that was too much to ask as we have not spoken to her since and it's over two years now. My mom hasn't seen our baby since she was six months old (she's now 2 1/2).

We explained to our kids that we weren't putting up with them (or us) being disrespected and treated differently. We had to explain to them how sometimes you have to make hard decisions like this, but it's important to keep your self respect and stand up for your family and for what is right. They understand and the past two years have been much nicer not having to deal with the drama that my mom seems to bring to every part of her life.

The good news with your situation is that your boyfriend is apparently standing up for you and your kids and for what he believes in. I'm certainly not recommending that you do what we had to do, but it's good that he is willing to take a stance with his father. Hopefully he can talk with him and reason with him. Also, just because his father feels that way, doesn't mean that the rest of the family feels the same way - whether or not he says they do.

Good luck with this situation. Please don't let it keep you from being a good, caring person. The rest of the people in your life (and those who will come) deserve your kindness and respect and you can't let one guy's ignorance ruin who you are.

Rick...

Oh yeah, Dad was wrong to handle his complaints the way he did, and I'm really sorry his response sent you into a tailspin. However, maybe we should consider your boyfriend's parents? It's THEIR lake house. It's THEIR retreat. Does your boyfriend invite himself and guests, or does the invitation come from his parents? It could be that they're feeling put out of their own house having to entertain every weekend.

You definitely need to speak with boyfriend about this problem, and resolve not to go to the lake house without a direct invitation from his parents. A frank discussion with his parents is probably in order too. No need to get ugly like Dad did, but if the parents are getting weary of entertaining the masses, they need to just speak up and say so. I really hope your situation gets resolved sooner rather than later. We folks with depression tend to keep gnawing on problems like this until they become insurmountable and we make our depression worse. I constantly have to be on my guard to not jump to conclusions that usually end up with me being sure I'm just getting stomped on for no good reason. Sound familiar?

Thank you everyone for your great words of wisdom.
I know that I have to stand up for myself,I just need to get into the right state of mind before I can do it.
The problem with his parents is that I think deep down they prefer that he is single. Then they do not have to share him with anyone.
If we do not go up there every weekend then they are calling him and whining about it. Seriously,we went to my mom's during Christmas and they whined about it.
They are always trying to make me choose between them and my family.
It is just sick.

I know that it is their home,and believe me I respect that. I do think that going there every weekend is too much.
I have just got to put my foot down and say enough is enough.
If I have too I am getting a second job to work on weekends that way if he goes then it is just him.

I have so had enough of it all.


Shy

Oh Shy! I so feel for you! I think you pegged the problem: mommy and daddy want to keep son as their little boy forever. IMO, they are being very manipulative, and your boyfriend is going along with it without realizing the damage it's doing to his relationship with you. If you two are ever going to move forward, it's going to have to be without the excessive interference from his parents. It's up to your boyfriend now to make that choice. Is he going to be a son, or is he going to be a mature adult in an adult relationship?

What was your b/f's reaction to Dad's email? Please tell me he is as horrified as you are! Blessings, TJ

shynsassy said...I made sure he understood that I am not going to accept that as an excuse,and that I deserved to be treated better.

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy  good for you Shy standing up for yourself and refusing to take abuse whoo hoo good for you sweetie!

I just KNEW the b/f dad was upset about something else and he just took it out on you probably because you seem the least threatening. Typical passive aggressive behavior, so he doens't have to confront what is really the problem...

I am SO proud of you for sticking up for yourself! That is HUGE for those of us who fight depression. clap clap for shy!

Dear Shy,

Hi this is Kitt.  I know how you feel as I have been in your place more than once and it is so painful to know you are a good person and someone is blasting you with both barrels.  I had a very similiar experience.

My husband was single, right out of the military service and I was a divorcee with 3 children. His Mother was died in the wool Catholic.  She nearly had a stroke but my husband did not ask but told them we were getting married and they were smart enough to live with it or lose touch with their oldest son.

I was very hurt because I knew how they felt about me and it was very sad but alas it turned out well and they love me now..............so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I am glad you spoke your mind and have resolved some of this conflict.  I know it is hard to just forget the pain and the tears but give yourself time.

I wish you peace and happiness but most of all I wish you love.