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Posted 6/18/2007 5:16 AM (GMT 0)
I have been having a lot of trouble dealing with a lot of things .After a phone call a couple of days ago i`m feeling there is no point going on .I told someone something about their hubby that i never want to tell her .so now i don`t know if she will ever talk to me again .Then on top of it all my foul mouth daughter started again it`s all i can handle .

So this morning i thought i would just give up and tried to ring Lifeline for some support but after trying to get on to them all day with no answer i now give up on everything there is no point .

What else can go wrong .

Restless sad sad sad

Posted 6/18/2007 5:34 AM (GMT 0)
Restless, I have been reading your posts tonight; I was thinking about you. I must have gone to the fibro forum as soon as u posted this, and I am sorry I missed you. You have a lot on your plate right now, and have had for sometime it seems. Don't give up!!! I have had depression for many, many years and for sometime, I had it under pretty good control. Lately, it has been getting worse and I wanted to talk w/someone tonight too, but my story would be sooo long probably and everytime I post it seems like they are long and I am just whinning and complaining, so I didn't. I will be on for a little while if you want to talk and I am going to chat room if u want to come over there.
Posted 6/18/2007 5:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Restless & Floss

I read your honest posts and thought to myself at least there are others like me. Why is it we can't stop our brain from going over and over the dumb things we shoulda and coulda done?

It doesn't change anything. Checking out? No I don't think that is the answer. Why because I still care. Why because I still want to make things better. Why because I still think I can be better.

We don't let those around us see the real person we are. We smile and say ok while inside either you feel so angry or so sad.

Sit in the dark when we are alone and listen to music with tears rolling down. Maybe that is the answer. TURN THE LIGHTS ON.

I don't know if meds are the answer I guess it helps sometimes.

Think about the good things you have done no matter how small.

everything makes a difference.

good luck we are not alone.

Posted 6/18/2007 6:02 AM (GMT 0)
I have never been suicidal thank goodness. I have had major depression in the past that was very hard to get back up from, but I did. I will always have depression, because my serotonin level is low, so I will always have to take meds for it. I tried going off of it and thought I was ok for awhile, but after awhile, I knew I had to go back on them. I will never, never again do that. I know when my depression is getting really bad again and I am afraid that is where it is headed this time. My illnesses and pain have been increasingly worse for awhile now and for the last 4 weeks, I have been sick everyday all day. It affects my marriage as well for many reasons: financially as I am unable to work now, quality of life with husband and family, and all sorts of other stuff. I went to an intensive outpt program years ago and it was what helped along with my meds. I know what I am supose to do, but I am just overwhelmed right now, but I am still trying, I don't give in to my depression anymore, but it definately affects me. I probably need my anti-depressant increased for a little while. I am also applying for disability again and that in itself it overwhelming. Today was an especially bad day though, well not all of it, just parts of it, but I am just very emotional right now, but we will get through this: Like u said Teri, checking out is never the right answer.
Posted 6/18/2007 6:02 AM (GMT 0)
floss i`m not sure on how to use a chat room .


teri how true it is when you say we hide it from everyone if anyone could see me for what i am or what i`m feeling they would be so shocked but i just hide it and have done so for many many years no one has even ssen a glimse of whats inthere .
But it`s all too much now and i just feel as though a lot of me has already died it`s been happening for a long time now but these past six months i have become aware of just how much has died already .
restless
Posted 6/18/2007 6:09 AM (GMT 0)
you have to have an email address, restless, but if you are already a member here, u probably can go right on, I can't remember but I think so: In the upper right hand corner, down the side a bit, under forum links, it says chat rooms; u click on that and then it will come up at the bottom of next page and say click here to log onto chat, click on that; then it will come up another screen and have a box to put in your user name and password and click the "room" you want to go into at the very top. If you want to try it, i will go over there and wait for you, and then i will come back here, if u don't show up.
Posted 6/18/2007 6:10 AM (GMT 0)
floss .. i have been on meds in the past but really i didn`t find them that helpful so i just stopped everything but little did i know one was heart medication ,you see the dr just kept on giving me pills and stupid me just kept on taking them but not really know what they were all for .Well when i stopped them my heart rate soared and when it was beating at 168bpm i was in such a state .now i`m back on the heart ones and ones to stop migraines but i think having so much stress has has flared them up and the past week i continually have had headaches again and am constantly sick .
But i just do not know what to do anymore i`m not even sure if i have anyfeelings even for my hubby after 26yrs of marriage .I know as a mother i have failed my kids and now do not even want to be around them especially my youngest daughter .I am ashamed for what i feel towards her but it has bought so much sadness i can`t get over it anymore and doubt if it will ever change
restless
Posted 6/18/2007 6:41 AM (GMT 0)
sorry floss but a mum came to pick up her two kiddies .
Posted 6/18/2007 10:04 AM (GMT 0)
i just cant do this much longer i feel so bad at the moment and like last night i have taken to drinking just to get me through .it blocks everything and everyone out .I do not get drunk but just enough to help me get bye .
I have pretended to be happy for so long and now it just seems normal for me to do it but this isn`t helping how i feel .
Restless
Posted 6/18/2007 10:40 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
I know all about the drinking..it does not solve anything but sometimes you just need to forget
I wish you had a support system with your family. I only have my b/f as support,and without him I am not sure where I would be.

My daughter has been worrying me so much. If you read my last post. I wanted to grab her and just shake her and say LISTEN to me.
But,she did figure it out.

Where is the rest of your family? Sisters brothers?


Shy
Posted 6/18/2007 11:26 AM (GMT 0)
the rest of my family of my family lives a long way away and some of those are responsible for how i am feeling
and yes i did read your last post some times i think kids are only given to us as punishment .
Restless
Posted 6/18/2007 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys

After my hubby died last month I grabbed a bottle of rum. I haven't had booze unless it was wine at a party and then only a glass.
It wasn't just to block out the pain but hopefuly in my REAL mind I thought maybe it would interact with my heart medication and I could go also like my hubby. I have known for a while that he didn't have long and so did he when he was lucid. We figured we are old and lived a pretty good life so it was ok. But what I didn't figure on that I still had to live. I don't want to but my family would be hurt without me.
I recognize this and it keeps me going. I also have UC and hate the flareups and the Depends and the problems with even going to the store. I have problems with one son and I think that depresses me more so than the loss of his father sometimes. But to hell with it. I am going to take my Librium and try to do something everyday even if it is dusting with the window drapes wide open. God will have to make the decision not me.
Posted 6/18/2007 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
Teri i`m sorry you have lost your dear hubby i couldn`t at this time really understand and feel what you are even going through atm it must be a struggle .
Where i am at at this point in time is i really don`t know if i even have feelings for my hubby we have been married for 26yrs and been together over thirty five ,but the past twelve months i have shut them all out .They have all hurt me so much wether it be mental or physical abuse and i`m not even sure if this is even where i want to be ( not sure if you could understand that or not )
I`m tired of people just using me but don`t have the courage to stand up for myself all my life i have been continually let down and more so been put down.
As for my kids as it is they are just other people now they don`t seem to be mine at if they ever was .
Restless.
Posted 6/19/2007 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
I have told you the stories about my son and his abuse to me. It was horrible. I still have to mentally prepare myself when he is going to be around because I do not know what to expect. It has been 3 years since he has done anything but,you just never know. I have seen that temper and it scares me.
But
He has been talking about his future lately,he says he wants to be a Policeman. Gawd,who else could teach my son better discipline besides the army?
What I am trying to say is there is hope,but I had to do the tough love with my son and make him live with his dad. It was the hardest decision that I had ever made in my life. And I basically cried everyday for about a year. I never thought I would be the mom that pays child support. But,I had to do it. And it worked.Even though I can't stand his dad,I knew he was stronger than me physically and that is what my son needed. Basically a good kick in the butt when he screwed up.

I so wish you could get out of the house and get some support. A neighbor that could step in when they see something is wrong. It just makes me sick when kids treat their parents like that.
My mom has put me through hell most of my life. But,I would never raise a finger to her. No matter what she is my mom.

You deserve better. And I am praying that one of these days you will realize it. Until then we will always be there for you.

Shy
Posted 6/19/2007 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
Shy i do understand what everyone is saying to me and believe me if there was somewhere i could send her i would of done it years ago but there is not not even any relatives will take her and even though what i have with my hubby now is far from ideal it`s all i have in this world the only thing i can cling to  ,if i just kicked her out i have no idea what he would do i don`t even want to imagine we have lost one child already another would break him .

Everyone tells me things will get better i just have to ride this out and stay out of her way when i know she is off

My oldest daughter is the only one in the family who truly understands what is happening and where i am at the moment she rings almost every day just to see if i`m still here and all right , not something i would ever imagined any of my kids to be doing .

Yesterday was a good day for me i only hope it continues i can only take each day as it comes and can`t plan for anyother .

Restless 

Posted 6/20/2007 12:10 AM (GMT 0)
I understand Restless,really I do..you love them and you forgive because you want them to be safe.

I am very glad that you had a good day...I know that you appreciate those days that is for sure.

Stay strong!


Shy
Posted 6/23/2007 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
Today i actually rang lifeline for some help but i now know i shouldn`t of been bothered i feel worse than before .The woman on the phone didn`t have anything to say she just had nothing for me not even a suggestion .except for the fact that she could get someone to take me to hospital but thats not what i wanted so i declined her offer .I was under the asumption ther were trained councillore but obviously not all of them .
So now i`m left in tears again and no better off for the experience .Was i wrong in hoping for some help .
Restless
Posted 6/23/2007 7:34 AM (GMT 0)
Im sorry to hear that lifeline didnt help. Like you I was under the impression that these people had some kind of training (not necessarily as councillors, but some decent training) so that when people ring, they can give them constructiuve advice and a shoulder to cry on. Maybe you just got someone who was having a bad day? You certainly were not wrong in hoping for help.

Im sending big hugs from the UK by special delivery... and they have you name on it!

Stay strong

Darren

Posted 6/23/2007 11:45 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
Where is your husband?why is he not there for you?


Shy
Posted 6/24/2007 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you darren hugs from the uk are definately welcome .I`m just dissappointed with the system at the moment maybe i just expected to much from them .



Shy my hubby isn`t any help to me at this time .Ican`t even talk to him about a lot of how i`m feeling because he himself has added to it .Alot of what has been going on here for years he has just ignored so you see it`s been up to me to handle everything ...to raise the kids...educate them.....seek help for them.....to be there for them ..i have done this basically on my own even his own mother has seen what has happened but she will not speak to him ..
The ultimate thing would be for him to talk to a councillor but he has tol me he never will .
Yesterday when i rang lifeline he was at work and the kids that were here were in bed it was 6am i needed to be able to talk knowinh that the daughter wasn`t there listening to everything i was saying as what she usually does then repeats everything .
One of the question i have been asking myself lately is so i even have any feeling left for him after all i have been through the way i feel at this time i say no to it but really i don`t know i haven`t had a clear mind to thing straight .I have days where what i think is not what i even say i feel as though i`m going mad most days .At night my only prayer i can think of is let me die in my sleep so that i don`t have to face another day .
Restless
Posted 6/25/2007 2:11 AM (GMT 0)
Restless~ From all my advice that I have been given keep going!  The exact thing happened to me when i told my best friend something about her boyfriend and our relationship as friends and she got mad at me and we haven't spoken to each other since the last day of the school year this year.  She was the only friend I had that I could talk to and now that she is gone, I feel the same way.  The only person I can talk to I can't because my parents don't like me talking to other people except my therapist about what is going on with me, so I lie to them when she calls.  I hope you know that there is always someone for you to talk to even when you don't think there is...
Posted 6/25/2007 10:35 AM (GMT 0)
Restless
I know you do not want to do this,but it is time for you to get back to the doctor.
Why should you wake up everyday being in so much emotional pain?

Shy
Posted 6/25/2007 10:47 AM (GMT 0)
shy if you only knew what the drs here are like then you would understand why i can go back .
Restless
Posted 6/25/2007 10:50 AM (GMT 0)
Gawd that is so frustrating...I so wish you could find someone that you trust and that can help you.




Shy
Posted 6/25/2007 11:01 AM (GMT 0)
shy i have been given the names of a couple more dr but they are over 300km away and i just have to plan a bit ahead before i can even consider going to see one.but the soonest i can get to see one wil be 24th of july which is still a while away .I do have an appointment on wednesday with my psychologist but it is only for half an hour so i`m not expecting that much .
Restless
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