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Posted 7/14/2007 7:40 AM (GMT 0)
sad  Hi everyone~

It is very early Saturday morning and I have yet to sleep.  My sleeping pill dosage is up to 4 now instead of 1.  Dont worry it is not what you are thinking, it is just that I am so sad that sleep is truly the only thing that brings me peace and even that is hard to get.

 

I havent posted for a couple days because of things that I cant discuss on here, I will say that I have never in my life ever been so low.  The feeling that I have of utter never ending heartache is more than I can take on days and I do have extremely negative thoughts.

 

For once in my life I feel truly alone in this world and that is one of the most devasting feelings in this world to know that when it comes down to really needing someone at a time when you are desperate and doubting all your will that there is NOone there.  Like I said this is the first time in my life that I have ever felt like I am alone and I will tell you, I am so scared!  I dont feel protected or cared for and I am afraid that I am developing a numb hard exterior in order to take care of my heart, head, body and soul.  I told someone the other day that the only emotion I really have now is the ability to cry and feel pain.  I dont know if I  could feel happiness or pleasure and to be honest with you I havent truly felt any happiness in over two weeks.

 

I am not going to ramble on but I was sitting here trying to preoccupy myself with things so I could go to sleep and I thought of our forum.

 

Tomorrow my daughter and I will probably celebrate her 14th birthday.  I am not sure what we will do but I try to get out of the house as much as I can.  It is really hard to go anywhere without the thought of memories all around me.

 

I am extremely sad and hopeless with every aspect in my life and my spots of happiness have disappeared that I so enjoyed and depended on to keep the faith for yet another day.  What do I do now?  There is no happiness in my life and I am so terribly lonely without my WIP.

 

Just say some prayers for me and if there are days when I dont post, dont worry, I am grieving or crying but I will get through it, I seem to be able to do that because of my promises that I will forever stand behind.  Making these promises is the only way I get through this "hell" on earth ad I just hope on day that someone really sees that I meant every word I said until then I guess I will continue to pray for better dayz but for once in my life I wonder if they will ever be the dayz that I pray for.

Posted 7/14/2007 9:37 AM (GMT 0)
HI there

 

Im glad you posted on here.  There is lots of people that care about you.

 

Please keep talking and expressing your feelings.  You are not totally alone as we are here for you.  I know its not the same as having support in person, but we will do our best.

 

Hope to here from you soon, and if you need to talk you can always message me.

 

Take care

Posted 7/14/2007 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa

You are a very strong woman,and will be able to get through this. I wish I could say that tomorrow you will wake up and everything will be better,but we know that is not the case.

When we come to the conclusion that we are alone,then it seems our mind takes over and shows us all of the bad things. We forget the good things.

Your daughter's birthday is something that hopefully can pull you out of the darkness for at least a few hours.
Focus on her,focus on the woman she is becoming and what a good job you are doing with her.


Shy
Posted 7/14/2007 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Teresa,

Why do bad things happen to good people? I do not know and I have read the book, but I still don't know.

I do know you are in pain and in a dark lonely place right now. We are all here for you and please trust me, you will climb out of that dark hole and see the light again.

You are a caring and worthy person with much to offer the world. Your daughter needs you. Please just take one day at a time, don't look back, just look forward. I know this is hard to do but I truly have had to do this too.

I hope you are in therapy to help you over this big hill in front of you. Take our hands in friendship and let us help you.

Keep posting. Gentle Hugs.
Posted 7/14/2007 12:47 PM (GMT 0)

HI Teresa,

We are all here for you as much as we can be but I know the feeling of wanting someone physically there. Internet friends dont quite fill the hole the same way a friendly hug would. I hope you can celebrate your daughters birthday and have a wonderful day together tomorrow (And that it doesnt rain as it probably will here in the UK!) You have such strength and positivity I am sure you can overcome with with a little support.

Warmest Wishes and Happy Birthday to your daughter

Darren

Posted 7/14/2007 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hi im LG..somewhat new poster
My prayers are with you! I know how it is to feel alone and unprotected and am sincerely sorry you feel this way at this point in time but there are people who love and care about you and ill be praying this heavy depression is lifted from you and the days you are praying for come!
As you know grief sometimes seems unbearable but everything happens for a reason even though that sometimes seems impossible

feel better!
Posted 7/15/2007 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone for your posts~

Kitt~I have too share something with you that is proof that God does give me signs.  In your post, you asked why bad things happen to good people, i went to the library the other day to get a couple books and came across that book on tape, anyone that knows me knows that i love the library and spend alot of time there but the last 4 months or so I have not been to the library but i did go the other day and that was one of the tapes I checked out!!!!!!  Thank God tonight when you go to bed and know that he is letting me know that i do have friends that care. My God is awesome!

 

The issue that i have been going through is the toughest battle i have ever fought in my life and most of the time i feel i fight it alone (as in the relationship) but through the grace of God,  my Faith and Strength still remain.  I pray every day that i am strong one more day until God brings my life full circle.

 

I am taking care of myself as my own doctor and I am doing ok.  Keep me in your prayers, they are working!!

God bless all of you!!

Posted 7/15/2007 3:16 AM (GMT 0)

Teresa,

I hope you and your daughter enjoyed her birthday.  I know it must be hard to pretend to be happy for her on her special day, but I just bet you were able to pull it off because you had a lot of people praying for you.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.  Most of us are just an email away.  If you ever need to email me, just put something in the subject line about Healing Well so I will know who it is from.

Please continue to take good care of your self one day at a time.

Carla

Posted 7/16/2007 5:32 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa, although you cannot burden a 14 year old with the larger than life issues that surround you, you are not alone. 14 year old's are pretty savy people and she knows that something is wrong for you. I hope you are able to take joy in the presence of your daughter.

When we are truly alone is a time when we find out what we are truly capable of. Hopefully you will find that there is a well of strength within you that you have not even begun to tap yet. Hopefully you will find a true friend in yourself and come to know how capable and reliable you are to yourself. For years now I have had a small cutting from the newspaper up on my refrigerator where I can read it every day. I don't know who wrote it but it speaks to me:

"Sometimes you're confronted with a situation that can seem overwhelming at first. How it turns out is solely determined by how you respond. And how you respond is a reflection of how strongly you believe in youself."

Believe in yourself. We are all stronger than we ever imagined.
Posted 7/16/2007 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Stronglady4me~

Thanks so much for your reply but my daughter suffers from bipolar.  So needless to say that when i am down she usually stays away from me with her friend or her behavior changes which i know is a defense mechanism for her.  Her birthday is tomorrow and i havent even planned anything.  She doesnt want to do anything because i wont let her have friends to do stuff with.  It is just going to be another day of hopelessness and getting by.

 

There are alot of other things going on in my life that are taking every ounce of energy i have to have the strength that i have had.  i get up every day and wonder is this the day it gets better?  it never is the day and i dont know how many more days i can take with all this.

 

As far as the situations that we encounter, i understand what you are saying and believe me i have handle them with disregard in the past.  i must say that i try to take a positive, truthful approach now and it hurts the same.  My prayers and faith, and promises are the only things i cling to.

 

I just want to be happy, and i really do try but im not.  nothing makes me smile anymore, nothing!!!!!

Posted 7/18/2007 10:06 AM (GMT 0)
I have one on my fridge that says

"The Best Thing You Can Give To Your Child Is Your Time"

I wish only happiness and a good day all around i know you said she stays away from you but how about a day for just you n her together ......not on her BD just a day you choose together ...

Would that ever work for you's
Just wondering
I feel so sad for you and daughtwr
Thoughts heart and prayers are with you

LYN
Posted 7/18/2007 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Lyn I did ok on her birthday I actually got out of the house and took her to a movie.  Money is really tight right now so instead of buying her cake i made her own, she loved it.

she and i are doing ok, everyday is a new adventure.

Trying to keep my head up.

Posted 7/19/2007 12:11 PM (GMT 0)
It is funny how a homemade cake can make someone's day!
I am so glad that you had a good day with her!


Shy
Posted 7/24/2007 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
eyes  I am really tired and depressed but i needed to post what happened to me today.  The bottom of my world truly fell out today.  after all the struggle and fighting to get help for my daughter it finally happened in a terrible way!  She ran away yesterday and i filed her as a runaway and law enforcement became involved.  Long story short is they found her today, so miles away but safe, there is so much more to this than i can really go into but what i wanted to share is a couple things before i go to bed.  the first thing she said to me was you have depression and it is making you a bad mom.  there were other things said such as references made towards my last relationship and why i am alone, very hurtful things.  the other is once again, i was alone to cry and scream by myself, today was almost the day that the world around me was questioned.  I cannot express how very lonely and sad and how much i really need someone to be here.  i cant stand this and it is tearing me apart, i mean it, it is a terrible pain and i dont know what i am going to do.  my daughter is not with me because i made a choice to put her somewhere because i couldnt deal, i had noone to confide in and noone to try to talk reason to me, and my son had to witness this.  this is horrible and i dont know what to do.  my depression is really taking over my life and i am trying to make sense of the reason i continue to do this.

 

there is so much more to this but i am exhausted, absolutely exhausted.  my son will go with his father tomorrow for at least a week so i can iron this out.  i am actually dreading being here trying to deal alone and doubting everything i do.  i am so very scared and want this pain to stop.

 

i am going to bed i have been sitting here crying my eyes out thinking about what will happen next.

i am so tired of this.

Posted 7/24/2007 10:07 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Teresa,

Saying sorry just doesnt seem to be enough at the moment. At least your daughter is safe... thats the important thing. It seems like you are being tested to the limit at the moment and you are passing with flying colours. You are carrying on for your children, knowing that they need you. If you feel your depression is really taking a hold that badly, have you considered a different treatment for it? Are there ways of "tweaking" VNS therapy? I think giving your son to his father for a week is a good move. It allows you to sort this out without him picking up on the bad vibes too badly. I really hope that you manage to sort this out as painlessly as possible. I know that your daughter said some very hurtful things, but now that everything is out in the open, it may provide a firm base to build on.

Feel free to email me, you know where I am.

Thinking of you and giving you all the strength I can

Darren 

Posted 7/24/2007 11:07 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa
I am very sorry..it sounds like your daughter is lost,she does not know what to do to help you and at that young age doesn't know how to handle it.
Is there anyway that she can get into some type of counseling for herself? Depression drags everyone down with it,including all family members,and it sounds like she might have it herself.

Shy
Posted 7/24/2007 3:04 PM (GMT 0)
eyes  Have read your posts and am sending you prayers and hugs. I have a 6 year old daughter - and I know my depression really affects her. I hope and pray I don't still have depression when she is 14, but I feel I will. I hope you are getting the support you need from your doctor and health team. Are you and your daughter attending counselling? When your son is away you can try and chat with your daughter a little - discuss the mean things she said to you in the light of day!

Thinking of you and sending you warmest hugs xx

Posted 7/26/2007 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

I missed this post and feel horrible about what you are going through. From reading your other posts, there's no doubt that you are a strong person. You are strong for others on this forum, if only you could be strong for yourself, that would help tremendously.

I'm thinking about you and sending well wishes and hope.

Rick...
Posted 7/26/2007 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,
I am right here and I am so glad you found the tape. I have read the book. I know pain. When my son was killed I just could not get my mind to work, I just cried and cried and then I would get up and do some silly thing and cry some more.
People told me time will heal the pain. Time has dulled the pain, but it is locked away and creeps out whenever I get really down.
I know people prayed for me and I prayed to God to please help me, why me, I am weak, did He not know I could not deal with this? I had visions of myself sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a mental facility somewhere.
He certainly must have helped me through as I am still here yet I still run into pain..................as you, I sometimes feel all alone and cannot find the energy to get out and do something, do what? Where do you go alone?
I have learned to be patient and wait and it will be better again. My heart breaks for you when I read you posts. You touch my soul with your pain.
Please know I am here and I am praying...............for you my friend.
Gentle Hugs
Posted 7/27/2007 3:30 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks you guys for your words~

I am doing ok and trying to cope with the upcoming weekend.  The situation with my daughter hasnt changed.  Monday i will have to make some decisions in what happens in her life.  As far as counseling, i have been doing that but my daughter is in need of intensive care.  I actually tried to look into behavior "camps" but it will cost around $4,000 a month.  I know understand why people like myself that have little or no money cannot afford to send their children to a place in order to help reform them.  This is the case with my daughter, she DOES need this type of care and if she doesnt get it, i dont know what her future holds. 

 

I have had a hard time concentrating and then i get mad at myself because of the stupidy of the thing that i do. 

 

I am doing ok and have had days where i was able to relax and smile.  I have someone that gives me pushes in the direction i dont want to go and is as supportive as anyone can be.  I do treasure this!

Posted 7/27/2007 5:57 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa
Do they have any type of financial help available?

Shy
Posted 7/28/2007 12:02 AM (GMT 0)
Shy~

Believe me, I have looked under every rock and mountain for financial help.  I thought even with me being disabled there would be programs that could help us. There are none!!  Her father is even fighting in Iraq and the government cant or wont even help me.  I have a feeling as soon as her father takes custody he will find something for her that I could have possibly used.

 

I tried every resource and grant information but there is nothing.  I guess that is why we see only poor kids in trouble with the law all the time, it is because the families that are wealthy can afford to send their children to facilities that help them stay out of trouble.  Sad isnt it?

Posted 7/28/2007 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
UGH
I get so frustrated with our system!!!!
Ones that don't really need the help get it,the ones that need it are pushed aside.

Grrrrr!!

Shy
Posted 7/28/2007 7:49 AM (GMT 0)

I might be 3000 miles (give or take! lol) away, but I can completely understand how you and Shy feel. We have the same problem in the UK. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. If you have money then you can have help. It seems that in the UK the only way to get help is to pay to be seen privately. The free schemes (Youth schemes, behaviour correction schemes, the NHS etc...) are all falling apart.

It makes me so angry that the government cant (or wont) help. mad

Posted 7/30/2007 7:32 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:16


I can do all things throught Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
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