I`ve spent the evening driving in tears

 Keep talking - you need support and if your daughter isn't there for you - find friends, family and this website - there are people out there who can help. Boiling water in the fish tank - aah! I teach ADHD kids and i understand the stresses and strains of what you have to cope with on a 24 hour basis.

Hang on in there - talk about how your feeling - get help from your doctor maybe.

Thinking of you and sending you calming hugs xx

Dear Restless,
My heart breaks for you, as I see it all Mothers have a dream for their children and when things all backfire our dreams die hard. We try to adjust and remember that they are making the choices now but you have not failed.
You have loved with all your heart and for some reason just loving and raising them the best we can is not always enough to keep them safe. Do not beat yourself up and please accept our love and support right here.
My 21 year old son died and with it the dreams I had for him. I will never understand why but it happened. One day several months after his death my daughter asked me, "Are you ever going to be happy again, Mom?"
That was my wake up call to get myself together and remember I had 3 wonderful children that were here and alive. They deserved a Mother that was with them so I planted my feet back on the ground and took one little step at a time.
Please don't stop talking to us. We are here 24/7. We understand where your coming from and what your going through.
Gentle hugs.
Kitt

Thank you kitt ((HUGS )) I really understand full how you must of been feeling when you lost your son .I have often heard the saying " no parent should ever have to bury their child" and i agree with that .Achild comes into this world with a type of pain thats really hard for a mother to describe ,but when that child has to fight so hard to live he then causes more pain i wonder if there is ever a time when they do not cause pain .Not just with this beautiful child i have lost but to all i have .Mother hood is suppose to we such a wonderful thing but when it`s said and done to me it really sucks ...I can`t even remember the last time i was even happy i know i haven`t been for such a long time ..Depression has robbed me of it . These past few weeks have been particularly hard .and i`m at a stand still unable to move forward but i just seem to be moving back wards .

I know Michael had a most beautiful way with words .I remember one of his teachers from fifth grade telling me one day that he can write in a couple of lines what takes other children pages to write .She encouraged him to become a writer he wrote the most beautiful stories as a small child some of those i still have and read often .At school he was a gifted child who stood out from the others in his year he was one who found school so easy .The things this young man could of accomplished in his life would of been great.but instead he turned a different way and life went in a different direction .We tried to get him to see what was happening ,thats when he left home ...one of the biggest mistakes i have made in my life was to say this to him it was the last thing i ever said to him .Now as my daughter has made a few decissions that we are not happy with i dare not say anything to her in fear of loosing her the same way .My heart breaks evertime i see or even talk to her .On the inside the pain i feel is so unbearable i spend hours in silent tears each night praying that tomorrow she will change her mind .

Tonight i`m worried at what the news from the surgeon will be tomorrow i really do not even want to go ....

I have spent the afternoon with my parents something that i `m not liking at all because i just think of everything that i have gone through as a child at their hands..all those memories being rekindled as i spend the night here in this house .I could not do it if i wasn`t here with my daughter i know that tonight i won`t be sleeping soundly but more os just thinking of a lot of different things.

Today i was speaking to my hubby on the mobile and when i said good bye my daughter said to me that i didn`t say to him that i love him ..how can i tell her i`m not sure if i do anymore i really do not know how i`m feeling or even what i`m feeling .
Restless

 Talk all you want here at Healing Well - I read your last message and don't know what to say except I am so sorry about what happened to you. I suffered so much physical and mental abuse from my parents but never sexual abuse. For your family to know and do nothing is incredible. I believe they will get their rewards (not in heaven!!) If you need to rant/scream/shout at me feel free - e-mail me if you'd like.

Always here and thinking of you - sending you hugs xx

Restless,

I just read your posts and I am very sorry to hear that your cancer has returned.  As you mentioned yourself, it sounds like you have so much going on already.  I am so sorry that you lost your son.  I'm wondering though, when you are feeling up to it, if maybe you need to share with your daughter about the abuse that went on in your family.  You mentioned staying in your mother's house with your daughter.  I'm just thinking about the big picture.  You wouldn't want anything to ever happen to your daughter or to your grandchildren you may have one day.  It's a cycle that has to be stopped.  I was never abused, but have several friends who were.

Please let us know when you are having your surgery.

Take care!

Carla

Restless
I am so sorry,you have been through so much,I wish I could cast a magic spell and make all of your troubles go away.
You are a very VERY strong woman!!

Shy

Hi all i finally came back tonight i just don`t give a darn .I even contemplated taking some pills for a while then thought that i would drop in here to take my mind off some things ( let some steam off )
I have beeen in bed sick as a dog since friday after all the little ones went home was so pleased too see tthem go too .Hight temps and bad migraine and a crushing chest has plagued me all weekend until today i could take it no longer and gave in to see a dr .
But what has ticked me off was the whole time i was in bed sick my good for nothing lazy daughter couldn`t even be bothered getting off her fat **se and even cook one meal for anyone .I have just had enough of this thing we call a family it`s not a family to me .The only thing i got the whole time while in bed was the occassional cup of tea when they remembered me .
now i hadn`t eaten a thing thursday as i was so busy with the little kids and even on my birthday yesterday not even a happy birthday from any of them my daughter turned up today with a gift for me but it wasn`t even from her but her work mate . I can tell you that there are going to be a few birthdays forgotten in this house from now on .
And bloody hell when they get sick they can fend for themselves because i just don`t catre anymore.
Tonight hubby dropped the youngest at his girlfriends home told him to be home 5:30 well at seven thirty after two phone calls he decides that he will head home .Hubby said that he was grounded to me and his sister but not to him they do this all the time .
Rito i have to go the pills i did take are starting to effect me and i need to sleep maybe i should of taken more .
Restless

Restless

Happy belated birthday.
I am sorry your family is so selfish.... you deserve more. I wish you could just take a week and have a nice vacation with other family or friends. Just to get away and forget for awhile.



Shy

Thankyou all for the birthday wishes as i said to a friend last years it`s just a normal day here nothing special ( especially when it comes to mine ) .
Darren i know when their birthdays comes around i will be there for them as always i know what i would rather do but i know i can`t do it .
But as for hurting my family i think it`s so stuffed now as it is and really i`m ashamed to even call it a family now .

A couple of days ago i had words with my hubby as to the amount of rubbish that is lying around the house just from the lazy kids ,just being too darn lazy to put anything away and expecting someone to always pick it up and put it away .Hoping that he would have a few words to the kids .Yeh right all he did was go and do everything himself .It didn`t do a thing the lazy bloody kids just get off once agin .
I `m pleased to hear my oldest has bought his first home and is moving in in the coming weeks i`m so proud of him for a long time his dad hasn`t got on with him but now he can be free .I will really miss him .
This bug has really taaken hold and i`m feeling so sick and the antibiotics that i have been given are making me even sicker but hopefully they will settle down in a few more days ,I`m really looking forward to the weekend so i can just stay in bed and to hell with the rest of the world.
Restless

I hope you start to feel better Restless...I thought of an idea that might make your husband a little more attentive to the household needs.
You could tell him that if the kids do not start cleaning up after themselves,then you are hiring a maid to come once a week. You could even do some research on the idea and get prices and write them down and set them somewhere for him to see.
Maybe then the thought of spending money on someone to help you clean the house will get his butt in gear.
After all your marriage license does not say "Maid" !!

Shy

I am so glad that you are feeling better,hopefully now you can start to feel a little bit normal..Good luck at the Doctor's office. Let us know how it goes.



Shy

Restless,

I so hope you are feeling better soon.  You do need to hire someone to take over cleaning the house, running the errands such as grocery shopping and cooking for you.  If I were you, I would try to get some retired military woman and let her run a tight ship around there for a while.  Then they might learn to appreciate you when you get well.

Feel better soon!

Carla