Whys it always one thing or another?

Hi everyone.

I havn't been on for a while because frankly I've felt good, not great, not better, not katie, but good.

When I say good I mean I felt good cos I felt great about my boyfriend, with him and about him. It felt so good and I appreciated and felt so strongly towards him.

But I felt really insecure about everything else. My friends etc. Thinking none of them wanted to know me etc. Feeling everyone hated me and feeling hatred towards everyone.

Feeling really anxious and weird, taking everything to heart, feeling sorry for everyone and everything. Always expecting bad things to happen.

Now the tables have turned. I feel weird towards and about my boyfriend again. I feel soo horrible about feeling like this if that makes sense. Ya know when you don't want something you feel together and are like that is my decision. Well the way I feel about him is that something in me is feeling this way about him and I'm standing in the background going what the hell are you doing?? Why are you feeling like this I don't want to. But somethings holding me back not letting me be me and be happy. This is the problem. I don't know what that 'something' is. I don't want to even kiss him though its that bad, but its not him I don't want to kiss, I don't want to kiss anyone. If it makes sense its like i don't have the physical or mental enegery to be affectionate past a cuddle. I do every day still tell him i love him. I feel so bad for feeling this way.I think the world of my boyfriend. He treats me like a princess and has stuck by me through all of this. I always think in my head. if we do split up I still want to be really close to him etc. and I truely would. he is the best thing that happened to me, and I totally do not understand why this has happened to me and why i feel like this especially towards him.

I feel fine about my friends again, well to be bluntly honest I don't give a stuff about them, I'm not worried if they hate me or anything and I couldn't care if i never saw them again. Again..not the 'real' me.

Life is not life anymore. I see no purpose in it. I can't live it how I'd like to, so what is the point in living it atall?

Its like a bad dream. it shoots by with me trying to grasp some form of reality. I still feel like I am waiting for something to happen.

The doctors and councillors are useless, 8 months and no change in me. They aren't bothered about me. They don't contact me. What am I meant to do?

Why can't I be me a happy outgoing me again? Instead as I said before, its always one thing or another. I hate being me.

 

Hello Scotsgal,
Sorry you are not feeling better today.
Im not very good with the whole 'advice' thing, but I recognise a few of your thoughts in me, probably for completely different reasons though.

Do you have trouble tusting people? I only ask coz thats me all over. I don't let people get very close to me, and when things start heading that way, I back off, only to come back again another time. I have been this way for years and seem to have this notion that if people really get close or get to know me they will either not like me/hate me and 'leave' or are only doing it because they want something.
I know this is not true for most people I know, but it doesnt stop me feeling that way, it drives me nuts that I just can't accept things for the way they are. That people actually might like to be my friend!
Most people I know say I am a very private person, but I think its just that I don't give much of myself to them, I have low self-esteem and Im working on it - i'll get there one day.

I hope you and your boyfriend work it out at least, it sounds like as much as you don't want to be close to him right now, you do 'longer term'.

Sorry if this is of no help at all, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Hugs
Wizzer

 I read your post and thought - THAT'S ME!! I am just like you - especially the 'you are lucky to get a cuddle' bit. I can't bear to hugs and kiss my husband - and that is so unlike me. He asked me today 'Why can't you be like you were when we first met?' A question I ask myself every day - do you too? I hope you have had a few good days since you wrote last - one day at a time hey?

Thinking of you and 'walking in your shoes'!

 He does love you - deep down you know that - it's just the depression making it so hard to believe in that and trust in that. I am so up and down it's crazy - I have 2 little kiddies who are wonderful but so tiring. I just want to sleep sometimes or at least hide under the duvet - but my responsibilities to them are paramount. So when my husband comes home - I'm mentally and physically exhausted there is nothing left for him. How do you cope with the 'lost and helpless feelings?'

Thinking of you and sending you hugs xx

Yeah - I've had CBt which was great for a while. I'm seeing a therapist and am hoping to be put on the waiting list for individual psychotherapy - have a FEW issues in my head I need to sort! I understadn the shopping thing - with me it's reorganising things I don't need to do - like work folders or cupboards, whilst leaving the important jobs undone. Be careful with shopping though - debts and money worries are a REAL struggle and very hard to put right. Keep it light and fun and but cheap things!! Are you getting any help? 

Thinking of you and sending you hugs xx

 Hi everyone! I can relate to everyone who has responded. I have suffer with depression all my life. I am so up and down I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster. I have tried many anti-depressants and have been in and out of thearpy for a least ten years now. I have a real problem trusting people. I don,t get too close to people in fear of being hurt;been there one too many times(including my parent's and husband).  My Mom was Bipolar and my Dad is a acholic. My husband also has drinking issues. Somedays I feel so isolated and all alone.about the only thing that makes me happy is shopping and spending money;but I have learned that over the years that's not the answer. I try not to use that;but it's not easy. Most of the time I don't feel like being around or talking to anyone!!!! It can be a very lonely world at times.

HSE-I Know that's my problem. I consider myself a very loyal person. But the real problem is I expect everyone to be like that and I found out the hard way very few people are. So rather than get hurt again I build walls.That way I don't have to feel the pain!!! Thanks for responding.

Hi all how are you?

Just needed to vent and thought this would be a good place since we are all kind of on the same wave length.

I woke up this morning feeling cr*p. No reason, just woke up feeling teary like on the brink of crying but for no apparant reason.
It goes like that you see! I've been having good days for the past couple of weeks and now I've fell back down to earth with a bang, for no reason.

The worst thing about feeling like this and I don't know if it happens with you is the effect it has on my relationship! I can be feeling fine and ok with it (not great or anything how I used to feel) but calm and settled about it. Then I start feeling like this and BAM! I feel rubbish about it, doubt it, analyse everything in it-why we havn't cuddled why this why that and so on. Thing is deep deep down I can still feel love for my bf and its still there, I know this. hes been fantastic and when we fall out I feel bad when hes not there I miss him and one day last week i got it into my head he was gonna end our relationship and I was awful I had a panic attack and everything.

I don't know about all of you, but I absolutely hate feeling like this towards him, and I really don’t know how to explain it properly, cos I don’t know what it is but its like I want him here, its not a feeling like I don’t want to be with him anymore I don’t want to be near him its not a ‘break-up’ feeling it’s a dodgy one that’s there-that I don’t want to be there, but its too strong and overpowering for the good feelings to seer over.

I feel guilty and lost when I feel like this and it drives me insane, I was in a café before work and saw a couple in front of me cuddling and being affectionate and this is when the doubts kick in with me.

Why aren’t I like that, is everyone else happy? Should I end it cos we’re not like that? And so on…
Truth is I want to be with this boy for the rest of my life, he treats me amazingly is a lovely person, I adored the ground he walked on and then one day snap and everything changed for no reason.

When I have spells of feeling good, I always seem to think he’s all of a sudden gotten better but recently I realised he’s always like this and I only seem to notice and appreciate it when I’m feeling good about myself.

When I feel down I get these random feelings of lust and stupid thoughts of other people. When I feel ok these aren’t present and I really honestly don’t want another man I can assure you of that but they are somehow there?! Why are they here when I’m down.

I hate to how I hold no affection for anyone at the moment. I used to love getting cuddles and kisses and now I can’t be bothered, I just don’t have the energy, its not that I don’t want to kiss him or get a cuddle there’s just no want for it not him atm!!

All I want to know, is do any of the rest of you feel like this? Can I recover and get back to how I used to be with my lovely man? And why is it here in the first place atall? I really have no idea?!

 HSE Sorry it"ts taking so long for me to reply. NO the walls do not work! I am not completly alone. I am very close to my older sister. THank God for her I don't know what I would do witout her. She is my best friend. I can tell her almost anything.                         

 I feel just like you both xxxx

Don't want hugs, don't want to be hugged - maybe we will get back to being 'ok' again.

I hope you are both having a 'good' day today - it is a good idea to write down the 'good days' and record them.

Thinking of you both xxx