Losing friends over depression?

Hi all, I don't post much here, but thought I'd give it a go.

My friends (who I am lucky to have) are all pretty much fed up with me and my depression.  Tired of my moods, my crying, etc.  They all think I'm just looking for attention.  I realize people who haven't experienced major depression can't understand it though. 

I'm deathly afraid of being alone, yet somehow I have managed to push people away anyway.  I'm dating a jerk who I know is terrible for me, but somehow it still seems better than being alone.  Intellectually I know I'm making a bad choice, but I can't seem to stop myself.  I wish it was as easy as "mind over matter" but it's not, and people don't seem to understand that, and so they are disgusted with me.  But they are all married and have families.

From other posts I've read here, a lot of us are scared to be alone.  It's utterly terrifying and I panic constantly about it.  I'm 34 and feel like my life is spiralling out of control.  I go to counselling, take my meds (Cipralex, 10 mg), and yet I can't seem to pull my act together. 

I don't know how to maintain my friendships anymore, I don't know what to do/say... I feel so isolated.  Any advice appreciated.

Hello Blue Pixie,
Welcome and I am Kitt. I understand so well how you feel. I too push people away when I am feeling sad but then I feel so sad I don't know what to do. I am fortunate to have found many wonderful members here that know that Depression is the real thing.
Just because you have depression does not mean you have to lower your standards to have someone to be with. You are better than that. You are a wonderful caring person and your young, so hug yourself for me and know that you can find lots of support right here.
Please keep posting and let us help you.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

y'know we've probably all been there in one form or another. Having to make a really tough decision and not knowing or fully understanding/appreciating the consequences. Sometimes you need to find a way to step back and try to evaluate the situation as if you were looking at it from the point of view of a third person and what would you tell yourself to do. It doesn't always work. But the truth is sometimes what we fear the most turns out to never materialize. You could dump this guy and as a result your friends may have renewed faith in you to do the right thing for yourself, and blip someone better comes along who also senses your renewed belief in yourself and your abilities. Unless you dump him you will never know. That first step is always the scariest and most difficult but without it, man wouldn't have walked on the moon or done so many other amazing things. You are stronger than you realize and you need to dig deep down inside and believe in your ability to weather this storm. And sometimes the hardest person to love and nurture is ourselves. And it's hard to find a meaningful, lasting relationship if you have no faith in yourself. People sense that. You have to look to yourself first before you can look to others to find meaning in your life. No one else but you can provide that. Others can support it but the initial bit has to come from within. Sometimes that means making hard choices and standing up for ourselves. I'm in a pretty tough situation right now and I don't have a way out cause I can't walk out on my kids, I can't do anything about my husband's shift work job, I can't change the fact I suffer with depression, at least not without support and when I'm alone to deal with everything by myself most of the time, it's very hard. I can't change the fact I was a 19 year old mom who had to give up everything to even be here today, and part of giving everything up was giving up my dreams, my education. I am 30 years old and still can only say I have my highschool diploma. I'm embarassed by that. But due to a failed business of my husband's four years ago, I can't get funding to go back to school. I'm stuck in a job I don't like because it provides flexible hours and good pay. How can I leave that without jeopardizing the little bit of stability my children have in their lives? So you see, I envy you simply having the choice to make the decision to get out or stay. I don't even have that choice. And you don't even know how lucky you are for having that choice, that power. You need to tap into it and exercise it. Don't let a bad relationship ruin the rest of your life. Get out before it's too late. Get out, go to the spa for a manicure and massage, buy yourself a new outfit (if you can afford all this of course) and pamper yourself. Then go out somewhere with friends and have a good time. Who knows maybe somebody will see you happy with yourself and really be drawn to that, and who knows.... Anything could happen, but it won't if you don't make the hard choice to get out of a bad relationship that is holding you back from living. You are afraid to be alone but by staying in this relationship, that's exactly what you'll accomplish in the end. Sorry for the ramble but when you have no power to change your life and see someone who does, it's hard not to say, hey, you have the power, why aren't you exercising it? It's like my sister. God, when I was her age, I was half way through my pregnancy (she's 11 years younger than me in case you are wondering) and I see her wasting her time and her life and I think, stop complaining and get out and do something about your life. So what if a part of your dreams isn't working out exactly as you planned, sometimes what you want comes from a very different direction and you won't know unless you try something, anything. Anyways, I hope you don't take offence to any of this. I know with depression everything is easier said than done. We are our own worst enemies most of the time. I too have alienated a lot of friends over the years. It seems at the time it is easier to push people away than let them in, but in the long run we just end up even lonelier. Depression is a tough ride. My true metal will be tested when I'm finally free to follow my dreams. Will I have the gutts to get out there and do it, even if I am the oldest student in the class? It will definitely be difficult. But I am looking forward to being tested some day.... Maybe not soon, but some day. Anyways, take care and I hope you make the right decision. Sometimes that alone will lift an amazing weight from our shoulders!

Thanks slowlygoingcrazy and Jenni for your replies - very much appreciated and gives me a lot to think about :)

I think it's more to do with the fact that I've used up all of their patience. They've tried to help me and give me advice etc. and they feel I've just ignored it and essentially wasted their time. I understand their point - they are just frustrated. I haven't been acting like "myself", and it's hard to make them understand my behaviour. I know it's my fault - it's like waking up in the middle of train wreck that I've caused. Everyone wants me to get better and pull my life together and they don't think I'm being proactive enough in doing that. I know I have really been trying, but the people who've never experienced depression just have no appreciation for how hard it really is.

GOOD MORM..maybee I did take it the wrong way...i have made some bad choices too in my life but we learn from our mistakes...freinds are important to me somtimes i think i would be lost without there suport ...just hang in there hun things will get better take one day at a time

Know that you are not alone, we are all here together.  I have found that through the tough times and worst times you do truly find out who your true friends are.  Understanding depression is hard, this is the first time that I have felt so alone in my life and I am married.  The funny thing is that you can still feel alone when you live with someone, that is something I never thought I would feel.  I have been recently trying to educate my husband and help him better understand what depression is.  I have been dealing with chronic physical pain for over a year and every time it gets worse my emotions get really out of control.  I do know that someone who truly understands depression can be a much better friend than one that does not at all.  I hope that you feel better soon, keep your faith no matter how bad it gets, things will eventually turn around.  Dating someone who is not good for you won't help your depression it is better to be with all of us than to be with someone who is not good for you, it takes time.  If you need to chat I am here, take care.

Crystal

Hi Pale and Stayingafloat - thanks for your messages.

Well I did dump his stupid butt last week. I just couldn't take it anymore. It's hard and I feel lonely - and the PANIC, oh the panic! - but I realized I was more miserable being with him, or waiting for the next "fix". It was just too hard. It was all about him and his needs with no regard for mine; I was walking on eggshells around him, which is the worst thing for us depressed people to begin with - too much anxiety and worry about how they're going to react next.

I actually emailed a few friends today in fact, to let them know what's going on with me and to explain my behaviour, etc. YOu should never be embarrassed about it though. No one would judge you if you had a physical illness and no one should judge us because of our mental struggles either (even though I realize a stigma still exists).

What I said was, I have a real, legitimate illness/disease, just like diabetes or cancer, that is NOT my choice or my fault. It's not a matter of just snapping out of it. It goes so much deeper than that, and distorts everything in my life - my thoughts, my beliefs, perceptions, my behaviour. No one would deliberately choose this life if they knew how bloody horrific it was. I'm working hard at getting better and I hope my friends can understand my struggle.

I heard back from two friends who both thanked me for being open and honest. Neither of them has had any experience with depression, so they were both receptive to my explanation.

I've definitely had a lot of moments of withdrawing from friends/social situations. Lately I've been forcing myself to go out a bit, even though I'd rather hide in bed. What I'm finding is, I can go out for a little while, maybe have ONE social drink, but then call it a night early. I suggest you give that a try too? Don't force yourself to stay out all night long, but even if you go out for, say, 2 hours... there is something to be gained from it. But I know it's so hard - it seems like a lot of effort. Or even pick up the phone when a friend calls, ask them how their day was, or what's new with them, etc. Don't even talk about yourself. Feeling like you have been a good friend to someone is very uplifting for yourself. I have a tendency to moan and groan about my problems, but even I'm sick of hearing myself talk about it right now. It was a relief yesterday to talk to a friend and just listen to her problems for a change.

Anyway, this is where I'm at these days. I hope it helps someone else out there who is struggling with friendships. There's no shame in being honest about who you are and what your struggles are!

Post Edited (bluestorm) : 8/2/2007 2:31:00 PM (GMT-6)