Thanks you guys for your replies.
it is really hard right now to have any positive thoughts surrounding what is happening in my life but as someone said to me, "i have to take responsibility for what is going on in my life" i have realized that although i feel i have more than taken responsibility for them, i cant do anymore than i am doing now and i am tired and frustrated. I recently have had to make decisions that are heartbreaking for me as i have always had to be the bad guy and feel like a nothing in the lives of people that love me the most. i am done with that. in the last week i have had to come to terms with letting the people in my life go on without me, i have tried so hard to do what is right and take "ownership" of all i have done wrong but i am done giving away everything that keeps my life worth living. tired of feeling like a "shadow" as i call myself. a shadow to me is something that is around when it is a bright sunny day for someone else and they enjoy seeing me "the shadow" because it is a good thing but when the darkness or dreary day appear, i bet they never wonder where the "shadow" is becuase it is the last if anything they think about. that is me. i am tired of being a shadow that is nice to have but is easily forgotten in other times. what people dont realize is that i never get to see a shadow because my days are dreary always. even the days where i do see a ray of light are haunted by the fact that even those days may not lead to the days where i will see a shadow for more than an hour or so. i guess i know that although everyone says there are brighter days, i dont think they are ever going to be.
A pity party for me, i guess you could say that but when you dont have anyone that cares, a pity party is ok because noone has to be bothered by it.
thanks to you that really have shown care and compassion in your replies, they do mean alot and it is that positive reinforcement that gets me through.