Seeking advice for dealing with depressed wife

Rick, reading this breaks my heart. I thought about what advice to give you for awhile. Your wife is obviously very self-centered, and has gotten used to a life with a partner that unconditionally supports her. Depression can make your mind so clouded for so long, that I empathize with her feeling like this isnt the life she wanted. But no one can expect to have a pass to treat their partner so cold-heartedly and still stick around on technicalities. Maybe she digs so hard because she knows you will stay. You are just this poor guy having to clean up the messes she makes because you love her. I think You say you've been dealing with her like this for 3 months now, and that must seem like forever with all you're giving and not getting back. But it seems like part of you is holding on for hope; hope that she will get out of this phase, and will welcome and need you on the other side. Have you told her you are seriously considering putting her out (before she has a chance to acquire her independent wealth)? That could be a wake up call for her maybe, that it isnt just HER world that you're all living in. She might be so far gone that not even a threat like that will shake her. If you still can't let go, then maybe give it a little more time. Her new job might show her how good she had it all those years (believe me, I've waited tables before, and if you aren't stable- it is NOT going to be pretty). Maybe she will benefit from that little bit of independence, and out-of-the-home life. I think you owe it to your children to give the marriage every shot you can, and you HAVE done that. So don't feel guilty if you cant take the emotional abuse anymore and need to get out. You're only human, and you need to be loved too. Maybe the way you can help her most is to let her go. Maybe a reality check and life changing event is what she needs to get her life on course. If you are close to breaking, save your energy for your kids. They are going to need you.
I think you have been so brave and strong to stick it out this long, and constantly share your pain wide open with us. My heart is really hurting for you, and I hope this has not been all babble, and it helps you somewhat.

-pale

carell:

Thank you for the advice. That's the burning question - how long to I suffer emotionally for this? It's so difficult seeing my wife in a place where she literally doesn't care about how this all affects me. She can't even give me any respect for holding on and trying to do what I can for her. Yet she expects me to be there for her financially. Yesterday when we were at the mall and I was buying her work clothes (you know, for the job so she can be independent), I was paying for the clothes when she came up and told me that this hair dryer/hair straightener she's been wanting was on sale and could I get it for her. Of course, I bought it (I know - schmuck!!) for her.

She thanked me, but it was very weak. Later, I sent the kids into a store and we were sitting quietly in the parking lot. I asked her how she was doing. Her answer? "I'm HERE." with a sarcastic tone. What the hell did I do to deserve this? She's punishing me for asking her to give our marriage and family a chance. That is what I don't get and maybe never will.

Pale:

Yes, she has gotten used to being taken care of, but I'm not sure that she recognizes it as a good thing for some reason. A psychiatrist recently diagnosed her as "lacking certain life skills". He wasn't more specific than that unfortunately, but it says a lot to me about some the decisions she's currently making. She is absolutely a grass is greener type of person and it's difficult to get through to her what she's going to be dealing with out there on her own. There's a part of me that just wants to let her go and experience it (since she's a hard head), but my fear is that she's too stubborn to ever admit that she made a mistake if she comes to that conclusion. I truly believe that she'd rather suffer and deal with things on her own than call me and want to reconcile. She's said as much. Then there's the other part of me who - as tough as it is - is thankful that she's still in the house. That maybe I can show her how things could be and that maybe once she starts working that she'll calm down a bit and settle down in our marriage.

I just don't want to look back someday and think that I could have done more or that I should have waited longer. In all seriousness, I signed up for in sickness and in health and through good times and bad. Even if this takes a year (oh man, kill me now), it's a blip on the map if we are together for 30, 40, 50 years. That's the perspective I'm trying to have. Does that even make sense?

I'm trying to make life decisions and not decisions that just ease my current pain. I do find it increasingly difficult, but somehow, I get renewed periodically - at least enough so that I keep hanging on and trying to figure the situation out.

I suppose if I could have one small wish right now, it'd be that she appreciate what I'm trying to do and not fight me so much. At least to have an appreciation that I'm sticking by her and want it to work rather than dumping her because it's rough. Maybe she's fighting me because she wants me to do just that. I don't know. I do know that she's always been able to run from previous situations where she finds herself not liking it anymore. Of course when she described it to me when we met, they really were bad situations so I never expected her to do this with me. This is the one time where she's got a man who loves her and isn't slamming the door shut behind her. We have three children together. Her two kids from her previous marriage are mine (I adopted them). I don't think she's used to dealing with that part.

Thanks again for your thoughts. It certainly helps hearing from others and their unique points of view. Just the support alone helps me through each day.

Rick...

Rick:

you have my support and tons of hugs. Keep them in your pocket till you need them, there is an endless supply!

 You've been through the wars lately haven't you? You seem to have thought it out quite a lot and have taken a lot of advice from friends here and elsewhere.

Whatever anyone says YOU are the one who has to live with the decision, YOU are the one left trying to work and look after your kids, YOU are the one trying to do it all on your own.

I can't advise you, I'm not living your situation, but I do care about you and your family and hope that whatever decision you make you are happy and you can live with it.

My goal (It seems very far off for me too right now) is to be happy! To be free of worries and be with my family. You want that too don't you to be happy? Are you happy with your wife? Your thread says not at the moment. Your wife needs a wake up call as to the effect of her selfishness - you bought the clothes for her work but then she takes time off work to have fun. When do you have fun?

Be happy - I hope you know how. Thinking of you xx

Rick

all I can say right now is YIKES!

So she thinks it would be better to work out your problems in front of millions of viewers??? But she didn't want to do counseling??????

I feel for you Rick. Oy is right!

  The Dr Phil show??? Is she mad?? I can't believe she'd agree to that but not to counselling. She is a little crazy - is she getting paid for it? You are right - sensentionalism - cameras for 3 days would drive you crazy - and they get to decide if you get divirced?? The world has gone mad!!

Thinking of you and hoping you get some rational ideas from your wife how to solve your problems. Remember - it's a two way street, marriage, she has to be willing to help. The Dr Phil show isn't help!!  

Well, it's not the Dr. Phil show - it's a spinoff that his son is producing, apparently.

I totally agree with you. That's what I'm doing right now - questioning my sanity.

Rick...

HSE:

Yes, that would absolutely be helpful - especially the individual therapy. The problem is that she doesn't think that there's anything wrong with her. She thinks that it's the situation she's in that has caused her depression. I've been trying to get through to her that there's more to it than that. There's nothing major going wrong here (no abuse, no infidelity, nothing that can't be overcome with some work) and that she has some things that she needs to figure out for herself - whether or not she stays with me.

I asked her this morning - so, you aren't willing to work on our marriage here, but you are willing to air our problems in front of millions of people? Boy, can I pick 'em or what??

Rick...

Hi Kitt,

I haven't had a day of relaxation for a long, long time. In fact, my wife, her mom, and my oldest daughter just left for three days (my daughter's birthday is coming up, so they had this trip planned). I volunteered to take the baby and the other kids so that they could have a "girl's trip" without having to chase after the 2 1/2 year old. This means that I'll have to work from home most of the time as my oldest is the one who watches the baby when my wife and I aren't here.

I told my wife this morning that I deserved to be treated better than she's treating me. I told her that - whether she goes or not - I am still doing everything I can for her and I cannot take the apathy and anger she consistently throws on me every day. She sat with it for a good half hour and I left to go to my office. When I got back, she was in a really bad mood.

She left with her mom and our daughter without so much as a goodbye. I'm tired of this crap.

I do have friends that talk to me about this. They are only biased in the way that they care about me. They know how much I want this to work - the right way, not going back to the way things were - and even they are telling me that I should just get out and stop taking the abuse she's giving me.

I'm getting closer and closer to this decision that I do not want to make. But the fight in me is getting weaker by the day.

Rick...

Rick,
Carla has a very good point in seeking counsel with an attorney before agreeing to be on any reality show.
Is your wife referring to Jay McGraw of Stage 29 Productions?
Please be very careful about any show like this.

Carla:

Yes, I thought about that - the fact that she would not look good on TV. She does want shared custody of the three kids we have together (the other two are from my ex and I) - I won't consider anything less and she knows that. I really don't think that she's thought about the impact of such a show.

Kitt:

Yes, it is Stage 29 Productions and Jay McGraw.

The bottom line is: I'm not doing it. What I am going to do is get some traction out of this (if only for posterity). The show called me last night and wants to move forward. They want my wife and I to do our own interview on our own camera - one with the two of us and then separate interviews with the other out of the room. They gave me their FedEx number and want it right away since the show is filming soon and will air starting in Sept.

HSE:

The answer is that I don't know how much longer I can live like this. That's the thing that is driving me nuts. She has no where to go, so if I give up, she's really in bad shape. Somehow, every day, I wake up and find that little bit of hope keeping me going another day, but I'm quickly running out of hope.

Thanks for all of the support everyone.

Rick...

Shy:

I'm not doing the TV show. That's a final answer. I don't know why I even entertained the idea in the first place (well, I suppose I do).

I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing at this point. I'm in a very puzzled place right now. I can't fix things for her, but she's got to do it if we are ever going to make it. The problem is that she feels that she need to break up the family and our marriage in order to do it. She goes back and forth between telling me, "just tell me what to do - I give up" and "I can't do this anymore". She went back and forth three or four times last night alone. I can't keep up, but I also can't continue living like this, getting absolutely nothing from her.

If I leave, she has absolutely nowhere to go and no money. Not that that is a reason to stay, but it's weighing on me. We have kids and I don't want to put her out like that. I keep asking myself - what if she just needs some more time to get her head straight? I realize that I can't do that forever, but my head is just about ready to explode. As she goes back and forth, I go along with her thinking that I can't take this anymore and then when she's obviously hurting, I think that I can handle anything for her and can't believe that I was thinking of giving up.

Does that make any sense to anyone?

Rick...