Seeking advice for dealing with depressed wife

Rick

It does make sense,you are at a loss right now and you want to just fix things and get back to normal..but I am wondering if you know what normal is since it has been that long?

When I left my ex (not comparing the situations at all since mine was really bad) but... I just woke up and finally made the decision and moved out that day. I don't understand why she is going back and forth,she sounds very confused and I am wondering if there is more going on that what she is telling you?
Is there someone putting more things in her head?

Shy

Really Trying:

Glad to see you. Hope things are well with your pregnancy and your husband's situation.

My wife's mother lives in the same neighborhood as us, but when I've talked to her (she is one of those oblivious types), she just reiterates what my wife tells her. She takes it at face value from my wife and that's it. She says that my wife is miserable and wants out of the marriage. She says that she wants things to work out, but she wants her daughter happy. Of course that makes sense, but when I talk to her about my wife's depression issues, she says that my wife doesn't seem depressed and that my wife told her that she isn't. That's all.

My wife and I talked night before last and (as I have known for years) her biggest issue is that she wants to understand her own motivations, meaning why she makes the decisions she makes (including marrying me and having another baby 2 1/2 years ago). Her lack of self-confidence and self-esteem makes for a messy situation for both of us. That main group of issues has negatively affected our marriage for quite some time, but I feel as if she's just thrown me under the bus rather than take stock and at least be appreciative that she's with someone who loves her and our children.

Rick...

 Can you go to your friends cabin again? Without your littlest one? they are handfuls and you can never relax with small kiddies I know.  I'm just potty training my little boy, Sean, and oh! It's hard work!! It'll be worth it though when I have no more nappies!!  Take it easy and i hope you get to the gym soon xxx

Well, now my wife says that she thinks that she was my second choice. That I only married her because my ex-wife divorced me. Ugh. She says that she's tired of being the second one (it's been five years!).

I have told her how much I love her, but she doesn't believe me. It seems as if she has a million excuses and can pull one out at any time and act very convincing (more that she's convinced herself). I can't say a word without her rebutting me.

I'm getting tired.

Rick...

WCC,

Thank you very much for your words. I do appreciate it.

I'm also very sorry that you are going through this with your boyfriend. Being long-distance must be very difficult. I hope that he can get the help he needs.

The biggest problem here is that I think that she has some depression issues, but she doesn't. She feels that she is totally fine and that she's made a huge mistake in marrying me and thinking that she can handle living with five kids and a husband. She's just wanting to leave without any consideration as to how it turns the rest of our world upside down.

It is very difficult to watch my wife leave me in slow motion. I don't know how to deal with this any better than I am. I keep trying to find another way to handle things that might make things easier, but I'm beginning to think that there might be nothing that I can do.

As far as her having depressive episodes before, she's always had low self-esteem (since high school). I've encouraged her to get out and do things for herself, but she does not take initiative. Funny enough, her wanting to leave is the first thing she's seemingly taken initiative on - although she's said it a million times, she hasn't actually left yet. So, yes, this is totally the first time it's become a critical thing.

Thank you again,

Rick...

L.-

I can only remotely imagine the angry, frustration and sadness for having something like this happen to you in your life as well as your children's life.  You are right; the example it's placing on your daughter is horrible and may possibly require couseling to understand the full affects it has taken on during and after the episode.

How long has your husband been depressed?  What were the first signs you noticed that may have clued you in that something was wrong?  You may have already stated in your post, but has he sought any form of help to address his depression?  Is he aware this is happening to him?  Is there any way you can show him any books on depression, or threads from anonymous forums for depression that may somehow show him that he is now going through what many have gone through and currently going through?  Many people completely let go of any form of responsibility when they are depressed; this includes the financial aspect as well as self accountability.  They can either become fully withdrawn from society as a whole or lash out with anger at the ones that are closest to them..or plunge deep into the depths of complete despair.

Have you looked into any form of counseling; a therapist that specializes in depression disorders?  Would you consider this for both you and your children; your daughter?  I currently attend a support group that meets every week.  It's for friends and family of of those suffering from Bipolar/Manic Depressive Disorders.  While it is not an actual professional; therapist, psychologist, etc., I meet with people that experience living with someone that has the disorder as well as people that have the disorder themselves and what they experience while going through their episodes.  These meetings give me a sense of comfort that keeps me going; keeps me hanging on to the relationship I currently have with my boyfriend. 

The difference with my boyfriend (so far) and other I have seen on these posts (painfully, Kiwi000 and Singer69), is that my bf is fully aware of his illness and has been trying to take all the steps necessary to get through to the other side and find a new mix of Rx from his Pdoc in order to try and porevent this (as much as one can) from happening in the future.  He is numb right now; alomost indifferent to whether we brak it off or not.  However, the best thing he can do right now is just try and get himself fixed; balanced.  I don't know what will happen in the future, BUT I am tring to be positive.  Whether we end it or not, we will neer stop being friends...as we were in the beginning.

I hope you can check back here to let me know how you are coping.

Peace,

WCC

Good Morning Rick,

Well I am going out on a limb here as IMHO it is time to let her go.  I was the one to leave my ex many years ago and I was not depressed just very unhappy with the situation.  I married young and made a bad choice.  My ex was jealous, accused me of many things and then would come back in tears and tell me how much he loved me.

I left once and then came back as the guilt I felt at hurting this person and being told by others what a bad mistake I was making and how could I do this awful thing swayed me.

Well, you see, I was only 17 when I married him.  I do not believe that others understand what goes on behind closed doors.  These people that advise you to stay in a marriage that looks good to them do not have to live our life.

My ex would come to where I worked and let the air out of my tires, why, just because he could.  I would have to beg a ride home from work and by the time I got there he  was in tears and apologies and begging me not to leave. 

The person that finally stepped in to help in my case was my Father.  My ex would call my parents long distance and tell them I was a xxxxx etc.  They would just panic and worry about the grandkids.

My Ex finally made a trip to my folks to tell them what a xxxx I was and told many lies, and my Father finally said to him "If she is such a terrible person, why don't you let her go"  Finally someone that was on my side.

I gave up everything but my children.  The house, furniture, cars and kept working to take care of myself and my children.

My ex even accused me of killing his Father by causing his cancer.

So you must decided, if she is so unhappy perhaps it is time to let her go.  What you have now is not good and you are all unhappy.

I mean no disrespect by posting this as I saw both sides when I was in the middle of my divorce.  I finally learned that I was not responsible for his feelings. If I made the wrong decision in leaving, then I would have to accept that, but I did not.

I am so sorry you are in pain and I hope you can find some peace soon.

Gentle hugs to you.

Kitt

Mini-Update:

I spoke to a marriage counselor today and he told me that the therapist that my wife and I have been going to is dead wrong for us. The therapist is the type that empowers people (not necessarily a bad thing) with what they are trying to do. So, when my wife told her that she wanted to leave our marriage, she said, "Okay, so how are you going to do that?" She then suggested things that would hopefully keep her in the marriage such as going on dates with me and my wife always agrees (strange, considering everything, huh?). So, she's trying to give my wife support in her becoming more in control, but leaving the door open for fixing our marriage.

This guy I spoke to said that my wife is the passive one in our relationship and that she was attracted to someone with control and a more dominant personality and vice versa. He said that by the therapist essentially telling my wife to be more like me, she's trying to make her something that she is not. He told me to find a therapist with some principals and values who will be able to help us figure out how to work together on making decisions, etc.

It's an interesting concept. He also suggested that I just back off and show her with actions how things are changing and how I do still love her and how I don't see her as a disappointment (something she's said many, many times). He said that it's a good opportunity for me to do that because she has no where to go right now or the immediate future. He said that it won't be weeks, rather it might be months before she responds fully to this course of action on my part.

I also have to stand my ground on my principals (meaning, that you work on a marriage rather than running from your responsibilities and problems) and not let her words sway me or cause me to react (something that has been a big problem for me recently).

So, moving along again. I hope that some of this works and that it isn't too late. She's simply in a corner right now and feels as if she needs to get out from under the pressure that she feels from me and our family life. I've got to calm things down so that she can breath and think clearer.

Hi Rick,

I agree with Darren and hope within a couple of months that things will be much improved.  Find the right therapist and let us know how things go for you.

We will be here whenever you need us. Bless you.

Kitt